Oct 26 2009 What Could Go Wrong?: Razor Blade Soap

Razor blade soap is exactly what it sounds like, unless you thought it was razor blade shaped soap, in which case it's not. No, razor blade soap has an actual razor blade inside. A nice rusty one. But don't worry -- you'll bleed out well before the lockjaw sets in. Available for $7/bar, it makes the perfect gift for that special someone in the slammer. Alternatively, Polish roulette!

Razor Blade Soap Puts Your Nipples At Risk [nerdapproved]

Thanks to Closet Nerd, who once made soap with a revolver inside and shot himself in the butt. Use a wash cloth, bro.

Sep 14 2009 Starry Nights Baths: Nirvana LED Bathtub

I haven't taken a bath since I was too short to see over the side of the tub, so I don't need a fancy bath fixture. But maybe you do. I heard women take a lot of baths because it makes shaving easier. Speaking of which, what do women shave anyways? I suspect it's their chests!

The Nirvana Bathtub is basically an normal tub that's been outfitted with 360 LED lights on the surface. Touch controls allow you to adjust the lights as well as the water, and a hand shower is motion activated.

Pfft, screw a LED tub -- I'm holding out for a laser bath! I'm gonna get all prune-y and blind at the same time. Just sayin', vision is for the weak and I can benchpress the bar plus 45lbs on each side!

Nirvana bathtub combines a bathtub and a planetarium [dvice]

Aug 31 2009 I've Seen It All Now: A 2:30 News Report About A Broom That Stands On Its Own

This is a two and a half minute news report from Alabama about a woman who thinks there's "a little holy spirit" in her new consignment shop because she can stand a broom up unsupported in three separate locations. I watched the whole thing but I highly recommend you not unless you really hate yourself or are into masochism (I am). Which reminds me -- did I ever tell you about the time I had a woman stomp around on my chest with golf cleats on and then hit balls off my nipples? Of course not, cause it's none of your business. Fore!

Hit the jump for an equally horrible (but MUST SEE) news report about a bear in some woman's backyard, complete with cardboard cutout reenactment.

Continue Reading " I've Seen It All Now: A 2:30 News Report About A Broom That Stands On Its Own "

Aug 21 2009 Creepy: An Edward Cullen Shower Curtain

Because it's a well known fact vampires are pervbags that like to stare at you while you piss, here's a custom Edward Cullen shower curtain. It was handpainted by Etsy seller CustomShowerCurtains and will set you back a cool 75 bones. Now, you may be wondering why I'm posting a Twilight shower curtain in the first place. And the answer to that, my friends, is for the womens. Apparently they love this shit. Also, shoes and cooking. DO I KNOW THEM OR WHAT?!

Product Page

Thanks to Jay, who caught Bella watching him projectile vomit after a long night of drinking.

Aug 10 2009 Billy Mays Was OxyCleaning His Nostrils?

It is being reported that famous TV pitchman Billy Mays may have died as a result of drug use. Namely, cocaine. The white horse.

An official autopsy report released Friday found that cocaine use contributed to the heart disease that suddenly killed TV pitchman Billy Mays in June, but his family called the finding "speculative" and considered getting an independent look at the results.

The medical examiner "concluded that cocaine use caused or contributed to the development of his heart disease, and thereby contributed to his death," the office said in a press release.

BILLY MAYS WAS SNORTING THAT NOSE CLEANIN' CANDY! Do you think he was huffing Orange Glo too? Because I did once, and let me tell you -- KABOOM! See what I did there? Because I can do that all night. And by that I mean it (my Mexican boner pills just arrived). Cleaning ladies?

Autopsy: Cocaine contributed to Billy Mays' death [yahoonews]

Thanks to Jason, who once drank a bottle of Orange Glo and had the best night ever. Hospitals are fun!

Jun 29 2009 Billy Mays Has Left The Infomercial Set

Billy Mays, a man best known for kicking Vince "Shamwow" Shlomi's ass in a no-holds-barred cagefighting match, died over the weekend following a freak head injury heart blockage. He was 50.

Police said Mays told his wife he didn't feel well when he went to bed Saturday night. Earlier in the day, he said he was hit on the head when his airliner had a rough landing at Tampa Bay's airport.

But the airline said no passengers reported any serious injuries, and Mays himself cheerfully recounted the landing for a local TV station.

Wow, that's pretty scary. Life is short folks, fight stains while you still can.

R.I.P. Billy.

Autopsy planned for TV pitchman Billy Mays [yahoo]

Thanks to everyone who sent this in. Stay clean guys, stay OxiClean.

Jun 23 2009 Vacuum: Oh Yeah, You Clean Those Drapes

This is basically an updated version of the Proton Packs used by the Ghostbusters. Allegedly, it can suck a ghost through a garden hose. And speaking of which, hey lady -- I've got a little something that could use some...no? We're not going there? Okay.

Capable of cleaning virtually any surface from carpet to tile to stone or hardwood floors., the Ergonomic Backpack Vacuum comes with a powerful suction that is even able to tackle items like broken glass, confetti, nuts and bolts and pet hair among others. Each $170 purchase will come with padded backpack straps, a HEPA filter to remove 99.9% of all dust, telescoping wand, easy reach attachments, a 26 ft. power cord, reusable collection bag and six disposable bags.

Hell yeah broken glass, confetti, nuts and bolts and pet hair -- that sounds like a party! So why wasn't I invited. Is it because of last time? I already told you -- I THOUGHT I WAS IN THE BATHROOM!

Ergonomic Backpack Vacuum [ubergizmo]

Thanks to sarah, FDSY and Chris, who must really love vacuums. Or sucking. SWISH.

May 22 2009 Paper Towels: ShamWow's Latest Competitor

This is a short infomercial for Paper Towels. I only watched like five seconds of it before I started daydreaming about who would win in a fight, this guy or Vince 'ShamWow' Shalomi. Then I realized I would kill them both because I ride into battle on a dinosaur holding a smaller dinosaur! Then I went out for a gelati and rubbed sunblock on some hot chicks' chests because I'm at the beach and I DON'T ROLL WITH LIZARD TITS, SON!

Paper Towels [collegehumor]

Thanks to Harry, who once beat a man with his own roll of paper towels for cutting in line at the grocery checkout.

May 19 2009 Closer To The Action: Kneeling Pee Bench

The Tenshi no Hizamakura (Angels Knee Pillow) is a little bench designed to get men lower to the action and help prevent urine misplacement. No word if it actually comes with the flying pee genie in the picture, but that would pretty awesome if it did (and also a bargain at $60).

...according to the manufacturer, House Doctor, urinating into the toilet from a certain height results in hundreds of droplets of spray & splash being ejected from the bowl - yes, they actually COUNTED the droplets - and in Japanese households it's the wife who gets to perform the toilet cleaning services.

Ha, maybe America and Japan aren't so different after all. Get it? Because the women do the cleaning here too! Isn't that right, honey? Honey? HONEY?! Shit. Note to self: rerun singles ad. Bigger penis this time.

Hit the jump for a couple more shots of the questionableness that I'll never need because I always sit down.

Continue Reading " Closer To The Action: Kneeling Pee Bench "

May 9 2009 Kill It!: How A Roomba Cleans A Room

This is the path a Roomba took to clean a room. As you can see, it's pretty haphazard. But what did you expect -- it's just a stupid robot. Honestly, I'm surprised the little deviant didn't spend the whole time pleasuring itself in the corner by repeatedly running over a power cord.

The shot was taken by shutting off all the lights in the room for 30 minutes and taking a long exposure of the path the Roomba took while cleaning up.

While I despise all things robotic, I've got to admit -- whoever took the pic must have balls of triple platinum. Leaving a robot alone in a dark room for a half hour? That's crazy talk.

Long-Exposure Shot of a Roomba's Path Shows Beautifully Organized Chaos [gizmodo]

Apr 1 2009 Shii, The Controversial Wii For Her

This is a foreign commercial for the Shii, a Wii for her. It's wrong on every level and the games are all super-sexist. Which I 100% don't approve of, except for the cooking and cleaning ones, which seemed alright. Oh, and the last one. But besides those it's an awful concept. And sexist. Which, again, I don't approve of. Ladies?

Shii : enfin une Wii pour les femmes! [dailymotion]

Thanks to VS, who once threw a Wiimote through the glass ceiling.

Mar 25 2009 Controller Soaps: Now With More Detail!

Well folks, I just got back from the doctor and am happy to announce I don't have inoperable thyroid cancer. However, I am unhappy to announce I came out from the anesthesia with my boxers on backwards. Just saying, I thought the thyroid was in my neck. But what do I know, I'm no doctor. Anyway, this is Etsy seller Digitalsoap's latest in peripheral cleaning products. If you can recall the last controller soaps we featured, they were a solid color. These ones have more detail. An XBox lather will set you back 12 credits, and a NES bar 9. Just don't drop it! Because we all know what happens if you drop the soap, don't we? We do -- you dent a corner and then it'll look stupid. Also, another inmate takes camera phone pictures of your iHole. Pfft, I've seen Oz.

Hit the jump for the NES controller.

Continue Reading " Controller Soaps: Now With More Detail! "

Mar 4 2009 Fully Automated, Computer Controlled Shower Will Kill You While You Bathe, I'm Sure Of It

The Aquapeutics (now to be known as AquaPEWtics) luxury steam shower has everything a person could want, plus a whole bunch of other crap, and a $4,300 pricetag.

This spaceship-worthy shower is loaded up with two handheld showers, a waterproof LCD TV, a radio, massage jets, a steam box, overhead lights, an alarm, and other crazy crap. The whirlpool and steamshower are computerized, letting you set your program to run when you get in, and it's all very fancy.

I WANT IT! I heard it even washes your balls and polishes them to a shine. Which, I think we can all agree, while painful, would be well worth the shellacking. QUICK -- LOOKIE HERE! Haha, blinded you.

Aquapeutics shower is just a little bit over the top [dvice]

Dec 11 2008 Geekologie Reader Ingenuity: The Ass Towel

I know not all of you readers are FAKE! asshats. I'm sure some of you are actually good people, who make a valued contribution to society. And some of you are straight pervs. And others, like reader David, are inventors. David developed a towel that helps solve the age-old "did I just wipe my face with ass?" conundrum.

I've had this idea for a while. I've come to the conclusion that I'm never getting around to getting it made, so I at least want it publicized.

An ordinary towel right? Correct.

But, it has a distinct blue square in a not so used area of the towel.

Maybe I'm a slob, but I usually don't get a new towel every single day. And, I've got to dry my entire body. Some of which don't always get 100% clean.

I dry my ass, then the next day I use that same spot on the towel to dry my face. There it is, and it sucks.

The blue square is the designated section of the towel to dry your ass.

Genius, David. This is exactly the kind of ingenuity I expect from Geekologie readers. I really want these made. Then I could finally stop drying my ass with my roommate's toothbrush.

Thanks David, remind me to bring my own towel to the slumber party.

Sep 8 2008 Epic Fail: How Not To Clean Your Fishtank

I know what you're thinking, "is that a video still of a fish in some kid's bladder?" And the answer, dear reader, is yes, yes it is.

The patient, who was admitted to hospital with complaints of pain, dribbling urine and acute urinary retention spanning a 24-hour period, gave an interesting explanation.

Details of the case, which was documented in The Internet Journal of Urology, have revealed that the patient claimed that the fish "slipped" into his penis while he was maintaining his aquarium.

"While he was cleaning the fish tank in his house, he was holding a fish in his hand and went to the toilet for passing urine. When he was passing urine, the fish slipped from his hand and entered his urethra and then he developed all these symptoms.

Riiiight. So the kid was holding a fish in his hand while pissing and it, like the noble salmon, swam up his urine stream and into the pecker. Sounds fishy if you ask me. Just admit it kid, you're a freak. And also, you should be banned from the pet store.

Boy in bizarre 'fish in penis' accident [practicalfishkeeping]

Thanks to Jennifer, who has a friend that had a similar accident with a turtle.

Aug 29 2008 Cyber Clean Cleans Electronics, Tastes Great

Cyber Clean looks like, wait, is a slimeball and cleans your electronics. You just take the $8 Play-Doh, mash it into your keyboard, digital camera, phone, taint, etc. and then remove. Presto, clean and germ free! I just got a sample, I'll let you know how it goes.

UPDATE: j 09ctju j0954iy[ 0]kt [p9i34poi 34po]i0-] ln p;7816e6 erw761ew 786er w34[io pjkofp[i[12r c x213t43v2gv45 n67un,87m.8 0/-[=]/9+281708+ oi;jmio;im,,m
Keyboard's clean!

Cyber Clean cleansing goop: 'I press it on, and the mess is gone!' [dvice]

Jun 23 2008 Bacon Floss, It's What's For Dinner Hygiene

Bacon floss is $4.95 bacon flavored dental floss. It cleans in between your teeth and leaves you with a nice bacon-y aftertaste. Brush with egg-flavored toothpaste and it's part of a well balanced breakfast. Honestly, I'd actually try some if I ever flossed, but I don't. You see, I took exceptional care of my teeth the whole of my life, never have a cavity, and still got kicked in the head by a mule and lost them all. Life's a bitch, folks -- just like my ex. Plus they both have the clap.

Goodbye Cinnamon, Hello Bacon Floss! [ohgizmo]

Jun 5 2008 Guy Mods Roomba Into Pacmba -- A Ghost Chasing, Dot Eating, Pac-Man Vacuum!!

Using 448 LEDs and a controller unit, this guy modded his Roomba into Pacmba, the Pac-Man Vacuum. It's fairly awesome, but nowhere near as awesome as the Donkba, my Donkey Kong Roomba. Say, who ate the last of my bananas? F***ing Donkba! I swear I'm gonna kick -- whoa now, put the barrel down.

roomba pac-man [hackaday]

Thanks Shawn, Andy, and BK, now you think one of you could come over and get this bastard off me?

Apr 17 2008 Ultrasonic Dish Washer Looks Funny, Cleans

The SWV-08AM Megasonic Cleaning Device is a poorly named kitchen appliance that's supposed to blast your plates clean with the amazing power of sonic, that lovable blue hedgehog that can roll up in a ball and do loopty-loops and collect rings. I'm not entirely sure how it works, but the thing can allegedly "eliminate all the disgusting dirt and agrochemicals on the surface of everything from fruit to frying pans with little or no detergent." Plus it has a "P-Sediment" filter, so you don't have to worry about any urine stains on your dishes. No word on price, but I'm guessing expensive. And that's not even factoring in the cost of your grandmother's china that it breaks. You can't just go around sonic-booming fine porcelain, that shit's delicate.

Let sound waves do the dishes [crave]

Thanks to Huevo, an integral component of delicious Huevos Rancheros, for the tip

Jan 15 2008 Vacuum Has UV Light Underneath To Kill Stuff

Available from Hammacher Schlemmer (pronounced ham sandwich smeller) the Germ-Eliminating Upright Vacuum has a UV-C light in its base to zap stuff dead as you roll over it. The unit costs $500 and the bulb is rated for 8,000 hours of use, which is a whole lot of vacuuming. I hope when I'm dying I don't look back on my life and realize I spent 8,000 precious hours vacuuming. That would depress me. Seeing how the device is advertised as "the only upright vacuum that has a built-in 35-watt UV-C light in its base that eliminates..." really makes me wonder if this UV-C light is a good idea. And if it is then why is Haymaker Slummer the only one selling it? It's like being the only kid on the block selling lemonade made with urine. It's not always a good idea to be an innovator. But who knows, maybe sucking just isn't enough sometimes.

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Thanks to Melissa, who has seen some pretty wack movies in her time, for the tip