Nov 18 2009 Dad Only Speaks Klingon To Son For 3 Years

This handsome dapper portly half-Santa isn't the man in the story, but that doesn't matter. What's important is that he practices good dental hygiene. Also, that some cat named d'Armond Speers decided to only speak Klingon to his son for the first three years of his life. But fret not, he did it with good cause: cruelty experimentation. I knew I had kids for a reason!

"I was interested in the question of whether my son, going through his first language acquisition process, would acquire it like any human language," Speers told the Minnesota Daily. "He was definitely starting to learn it."

And get this, Speers says he isn't really a huge Star Trek fan.

Does the fact that Speers has a doctorate in computational linguistics explain anything -- or excuse anything -- here? Maybe. His child-rearing habits were part of a larger story on the company he advises, Ultralingua, which develops language and translation software. Including Klingon.

Yeah, I don't know how I feel about that. Besides somebody get this man a 'Father of the Year' ribbon! Are you reading this B.F. Skinner? That air-crib was weak shit!

Local dad spoke only Klingon to child for three years [citypages]

Thanks to Demon Spawn and Kelly, who are only speaking jibberish to their children for six years.

Nov 10 2009 Handsome: Geekologie-Loving Dino-Shirt Boy

This handsome little devil loves both dinosaurs AND Geekologie. You smell that? Smells like a winner at life! Sure you may argue children under the age of 35 shouldn't be reading this website, but I actually recommend a healthy dose of prenatal Geekologie. See where I'm going with this? If you answered, "straight to the OBGYN to try to have sex with pregnant chicks", you don't. Plus you're sick.

Picture

Thanks to Sean, who has lady-killer written all over him, which you could see if he didn't have such a sweet dino shirt on.

Nov 4 2009 Suck It, Mad Men!: Awesome Play-Doh Ads

This is a series of amazing Play-Doh ads that were spotted in a magazine in Singapore. They were only printed a single time, because when parent company Hasbro caught wind that somebody in their Singapore office had approved the ads, they shit Play-Doh. Then it hit the fan. Now it looks like Mr. Bill exploded in their office.

Hit the jump for four more awesome ads, and a link if you want to read about the ado the campaign caused.

Continue Reading " Suck It, Mad Men!: Awesome Play-Doh Ads "

Nov 2 2009 Whittlin': Guns Carved Into Old School Desks

Ben Turnbull is a London-based artist that hates America (USA! USA! USA!) and whittles guns into old wooden school desks. I smell a detention slip!

Ben Turnbull is fascinated by the global dominance of American culture, and his works unsettling effects result from re-presenting the toys of our innocent youth in symbolic forms that reveal the shocking truths about war, death and guns in the world's most powerful country. Turnbull is a passionate critic of the contemporary American political system, and explains why toys are central to his work: 'Force fed on violence, abused by a controlling superpower and blackmailed through patriotism, the public are ultimately as disposable as the toys they once played with'.

Damn Ben, why don't you tell us how you really feel? Over a spot of tea with your queen while I whip your crumpet-munching ass! Jingoism FTW! I'm serious, meet me behind the pub.

Hit the jump for five more.

Continue Reading " Whittlin': Guns Carved Into Old School Desks "

Oct 26 2009 The Lullabelly: Music To Your (Baby's) Ears

The Lullabelly is a prenatal (I love those vitamins!) musical belt that pregnant women can strap on and connect to an MP3 player so they can play tunes to their babies while the little tykes are in utero. It's supposed to make them smarter or something but it will probably just make them want a drum set when they're young and fill your house with cacophony and make daddy drink more (I say go for it).

There's a volume control dial so things don't get too loud as well as a pocket for holding your player, and the whole thing is machine washable, after you take out the easy-to-remove speaker of course. It's available in 3 different fabric patterns (pink, green or blue polka dots) directly from the Lullabelly website for $55.

Pregnant women are beautiful, aren't they? God, sometimes I wish I could experience childbirth. But not as a father -- as a mother. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Did I get anybody? You all know me too well.

Lullabelly Prenatal Music Belt [ohgizmo]

Sep 30 2009 Bad Idea: American Girl Makes Homeless Doll

You see that doll there? Her name's Gwen, and she's the latest release from the American Girl company. Plus, she's homeless. WTF!? Where's her 1991 Chicago Bull's NBA Championship shirt and mix-matched shoes?

For $95 -- more than your average homeless person would dream of spending on a rather mediocre baby substitute -- Gwen Thompson can be yours. A mixed message if ever there was one.

In the history books that come with every American Girl doll -- bringing to life these little monsters until impressionable little ones believe they are actual people -- you learn that Gwen's father walked out on the family. Her mother lost her job.

As the little kiddies learn to read about this doll as if she's a human being, one learns that, as fall turned into winter, Gwen's mom lost her grip.

Mother and daughter started bedding down in a car.

JESUS. Where's the part about her mom turning tricks in the backseat of that Buick in order to afford Gwen's dress? Just saying, those things don't grow on street lamps. And, as a guy who's no stranger to "bedding down" in the back of a car, trust me: they never really have free candy.

'Homeless' doll costs $95 (hairstyling extra) [nypost]

Thanks to Kristin, who once bought a heroin-addict doll but returned it when she found out it came with real used needles.

Sep 29 2009 She's So....Beautiful: How To Fix Your Baby's Misshapen Nog

Let's be honest with ourselves: our children, when first born, are ugly and their heads are all smushed cause they just got squeezed through a vagina like the last of the toothpaste. And by "our" I mean "your" because I don't have any kids. But now there's hope for your little football-head thanks to Cranial Technologies. Basically they'll design a custom helmet for your child that exerts light pressure on their dome to mash that melon back into shape. Plus, they're fully customizable with stickers and paint! For a small fee, I'll even sign the thing like a cast. And for a large fee I'll whip anybody's ass that makes fun of your child's helmet. HELMETS ARE THE NEW HAIR, FOLKS, YOU WATCH!

Product Site

Thanks to Jordan, who was born with a perfect shaped head because he burst out of his mother's chest like an alien.

Sep 25 2009 Force Choke (And Spit Up): Baby Vaders

Apparently these costumes have been around for a while now but I didn't know because I don't have any business shopping for Darth Vader baby get-ups (I just sign the child support checks). But Geekologie Reader Tengku Edzuan decided to take a different approach to child rearing and bought this costume for his son. That's him there. Cute, huh? BUT DON'T EVEN THINK FOR A SECOND HE'S NOT ALL DARK SITH LORD, because he 100% is. I heard one time he caught a stuffed animal eying his binky and Force choke-slammed that sucker into a pile of alphabet blocks. Brutal!

Barf Vader [edzuantengku]
and
Product Site

Sep 22 2009 Toy Teaches Children About Life And Death

Now I'm not saying this is the best way to explain to your daughter what happened to Mr. Fluffernutter, I'm just saying I can't think of a better one. Your parents: be thankful I'm not one of them. EXCEPT I TOTALLY AM. Your other father and I made you!

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Thanks to Yopoleo, who made has never run over anything but the time limit when giving an acceptance speech.

Sep 14 2009 Bacon Is Good For Me: The Remix

This is Sir Eat A Lot's remix of his instant classic 'Bacon Is Good For Me', now with more repetition. Now I'm not saying this song makes me want to adopt the little chubs and call him my own, but it totally does. Say it again, little man! "Bacon is good for me". Haha, here -- have another Beggin' Strip (he doesn't know the difference).

Youtube

Thanks to Erica, whose hit 'Geekologie Is Good For Me' went like triple plutonium.

Sep 4 2009 Gyro Kid's Bowl Makes Spilling More Difficult

Let's face it: kids were born to make your life a living hell and wreak havoc on your house and mental health whenever possible (note: this is all speculation, I don't actually have any kids. ANYMORE -- they're all growed up!). So why not minimize the damage the little imps can do to your kitchen with a $10 Gyro Toddler Food Bowl? "No matter which way the handles of this bowl are turned, the food in the middle stays upright." Awesome. Wait -- is that caramel corn? TODDLERS DON'T EAT CARAMEL CORN!! What are you, trying to kill the little bastard? Cause you know they fetch a pretty penny on the black market. I mean, I'VE HEARD. Firsthand (meet me behind the Dollar General).

Gyro bowl makes it harder for kids to make a mess [dvice]

Aug 31 2009 Setting A Good Example: Pole Dancing Doll

These pole dancing dolls are real products despite everything you know about life telling you they shouldn't be. I'll tell you one thing: no daughter of mine is playing with a damn stripper doll. I'm looking right at you, Barbie. Hussy! Product features:

• style
• interesting
• music
• flash
• up and down
• go round and round

Wow. That's, uh, really something. Really something wrong with the world. I mean, how the hell does something like this get approved for manufacture and sale? Japan. Right, I keep forgetting.

Pole Dancer Doll Doesn't Really Set the Perfect Role Model [gizmodo]

Thanks to Octopus Pie, far tastier than Squid Cake.

Aug 1 2009 You're Doing It Wrong!: Woman Dragging Leashed Child Through A Verizon Store

Melissa Catherine Smith-Means (she is too!), 37, of Gaylesville, Alabama, was arrested for child abuse after dragging her unisex child through a Verizon Wireless store using a kiddy-leash. As punishment, Melissa is going to be leashed and dragged down every aisle of a Best Buy. Just sayin' -- it's Alabama, folks, they do things differently. Like talk and guns. I've lived there, I know.

Woman Drags Child Through Verizon Store [techeblog]

Thanks to trishna87 and gypsyking, who don't drag anything but their feet. Seriously, stop being so lazy you two.

Jul 21 2009 Finish Him!: Little Kid Versus Clone Trooper

This is a video of a unisex little kid beating a clone trooper in the head with a fake lightsaber. It's pretty much the awesomest thing I've seen all day minus my neighbor taking a naked shower with the garden hose. He's hairier than I would have guessed.

Youtube

Thanks to alex, who once laser blasted a stormtrooper but the beam ricocheted off his armor and now alex has to wear an eyepatch. YAAAR!

Jun 14 2009 Childhood Fears Recreated As Photographs

Joshua Hoffine is a photographer who recreates scenes of childhood fears. They are scary.

My images are not photoshop collages.I use photoshop to finesse details and to adjust color and contrast for printing.I use friends and family members as actors and crew.Everyone works for free. We do it for fun.

Wow -- I know one guy who's gonna be sleeping with his light on tonight. His fleshlight. God, I can't believe I even know what that is. No, no I'm not.

Hit the jump for several of my favorites, then hit the link for a bunch more.

Continue Reading " Childhood Fears Recreated As Photographs "

May 30 2009 She Laid An Egg!: A Cute Yoshi Nursery

This is a cute Yoshi nursery made by Flickr user meadblog for his first little bundle of pain joy. And, according to a recent study conducted by yours truly, raising your child in a video game-themed nursery helps the youngster develop better hand eye coordination and ability to pwn others in the future. Isn't that right, little Geekologie Jr.? "pew pew!" Awh, that's my boy!

Hit the jump for a couple more shots and a link to his Flickr gallery, with has a ton of work-in-progress pictures.

Continue Reading " She Laid An Egg!: A Cute Yoshi Nursery "

May 26 2009 Not Surprised: Ninja Turtle Notoriety Charts

I can honestly say I'm surprised the numbers for renaissance artists aren't even lower. Because one time when I was substitute teaching for a class of fourth graders I asked who sculpted David and the only response was from a girl who asked if that was the one with the penis. I said yes and then they all started chanting I was gay.

Ninja Turtles [xkcd]

Thanks Andrew, who once cowabunga'ed two chicks at once in the Party Wagon.

May 19 2009 Baaaaad Idea: Cheap Terminator Costumes

Just in time for the new movie, Toys-Я-Us is selling $13 T-600 (looks more like a T-6 if you ask me) costumes for children. I mean, it's not even Halloween. You let your kid run around the neighborhood with this thing on and it's game over, man! Wait, that was Aliens. Anyway, the costumes were made to compliment the rest of the crap they're marketing to children under 13 who shouldn't even be allowed to see the movie. Just sayin', my dad took me to see the original Terminator when I was 4. It all makes sense now, doesn't it?

Product Site

Thanks to Reason, who once killed a T-600 with a laser beam and then called its mother Robo-Cop.

May 4 2009 Chuck E. Cheese Gropes Woman's Bosom?

Don't even bother asking what sort of Photoshop trickery I used to make that mirror image, because I won't tell you. Suffice it to say, it was some seriously L337 shit.

Allegedly, an employee dressed as Chuck E. Cheese (now to be known as Chuck E. Copafeel) grabbed some woman's breast in an incident that occurred last August at the restaurant and play palace of the same name (Chuck E. Cheese, not 'some woman's breast'). The picture is of the incident.

"He looked at her, reached out, grabbed her breast and moved along," said Mark Potashnick, Sorbello's attorney. "Her jaw dropped in shock and disgust."

Her stepfather captured in incident in a photo but didn't know it until after they reviewed the pictures, the lawyer said.

Sorbello accuses Thigpen and the restaurant of assault, battery and discrimination in public accommodation. She's asking for unspecified compensation, including punitive damages and attorney's costs.

Assault and battery? I dunno, I'm a little suspect it's taken 9 months to file suit. And that the picture shows what I would describe as a 'shoulder pat fail'. Or, that it just so happens we're in the middle of a recession. Now I'm not trying to discredit Sorbello's claims, I'm just saying, hey, at least it wasn't a kid.

Also, if anybody comes across a higher res version of the picture, hit me with it -- I'll let you touch my butt.

Chuck E Cheese character groped breast, suit says [stltoday]

Thanks to Matthew and Cougar78, who practically wrote the post for me. Thanks guys!

May 4 2009 Tattooed Barbie: You're No Daughter Of Mine!

Mattel's new 'Totally Stylin' Barbie doll comes with a bunch of sticker tattoos you can apply all over her forehead and neck to make her look way more totally stylin'. Make her a little R2-D2 backpack and that is one fine piece of plastic ass (note to self: verify Barbie's age before using this). Plus, the doll comes with a fake tattoo gun and ink tattoos so your daughters (and sons) can apply tattoos to themselves! Shockingly, some parents aren't cool with the idea.

Barbie-maker Mattel has said the tattooed Barbie provides a way for kids to "be creative" with the doll. Some parents, naturally, see it differently, suggesting that a "Totally Pierced Barbie" or a "Divorce Barbie" could come next.

As for the tattooed Barbie, Mattel says it's selling better than expected and there are no plans to pull it from the product lineup.

Personally, I don't care, but that may just be because I don't have any daughters. No, I'm the proud father of three very handsome boys (woman always on top). Just kidding. But now that you know how they're made, ladies?

Tattooed Barbie Stirs Up Controversy [inquisitr]
and
Amazon Product Page

Thanks to Steven, whose daughters are only allowed to play with G.I. Joe's.