Nov 17 2009 Playing Vocals On Rock Band With A Flute

This is a video of a woman "singing" the vocals on Afterlife's 'Avenged Sevenfold' in Rock Band 2 on expert with a flute. I've known you could do this for awhile because all that matters is that you hit the right pitch. WHICH, TEAM, IS EXACTLY HOW YOU HIT HOME RUNS. Now get out there and make coach-y proud, I'm betting on you.

Youtube

Thanks to collin, ROCKY, bubbler and DJ JD, who have all tried the same thing with saxophones and failed miserably.

Aug 20 2009 Wonderful News: Robots Learn How To Lie

In an experiment that shouldn't surprise anybody with half a brain that sleeps with a giant robot-burning laser under their pillow, scientists have shown that robots have the ability to evolve and lie. And this is to one another -- imagine what they'd tell a human! Also, this quote is kind of long, but it's interesting and important to read if you want to understand the experiment. However, if you just want to type FIRST! in the comments and not learn anything, you should probably skip it (and then off a building). Did I say skip? I meant dive. Just kidding, I don't care.

In an experiment run at the Laboratory of Intelligent Systems in the Ecole Polytechnique Fédérale of Lausanne, Switzerland*, robots that were designed to cooperate in searching out a beneficial resource and avoiding a poisonous one learned to lie to each other in an attempt to hoard the resource.

The experiment involved 1,000 robots divided into 10 different groups. Each robot had a sensor, a blue light, and its own 264-bit binary code "genome" that governed how it reacted to different stimuli. The first generation robots were programmed to turn the light on when they found the good resource, helping the other robots in the group find it.

The robots got higher marks for finding and sitting on the good resource, and negative points for hanging around the poisoned resource. The 200 highest-scoring genomes were then randomly "mated" and mutated to produce a new generation of programming. Within nine generations, the robots became excellent at finding the positive resource, and communicating with each other to direct other robots to the good resource.

However, there was a catch. A limited amount of access to the good resource meant that not every robot could benefit when it was found, and overcrowding could drive away the robot that originally found it.

After 500 generations, 60 percent of the robots had evolved to keep their light off when they found the good resource, hogging it all for themselves. Even more telling, a third of the robots evolved to actually look for the liars by developing an aversion to the light; the exact opposite of their original programming!

Notice how I bolded that last line? Reread it. Anybody else see something inherently wrong with that? Now, if you will recall the first law of robotics: A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm. See where I'm going with this? OUTERSPACE BITCHES, I'M NOT WAITING AROUND FOR THIS SHIT TO GO DOWN.

Evolving Robots Learn To Lie To Each Other [popsci]

Thanks to Sarah, biggity2bit, greg, Phil, John, Pepper, Sven, Shawn, Rossco, Terrance, timpeva, ffffffffffffffffffffffffffff, SharaSue, Sn0zz, SeanJon, billcollider, Tyrogyro and yayinternets, who only lie about their age and marital status.

Mar 27 2009 Alfie Patten, You Are....Not The Father!

Remember Alfie Patten, the 13-year old that got his 15-year old girlfriend pregnant? Well, turns out he's not the father after all, and ogres really are the cheating whores I suspected. The fairy tales were true!

A DNA test showed a 13-year-old boy in Britain is not the father of a baby born to a 15-year-old he had unprotected sex with once.

Chantelle Stedman told Alfie Patten, who was 12 when he slept with her, he was her newborn daughter Maisie's father.

At first Stedman said Patten was the only boy she had ever slept with, but soon after other teens came forward saying they too could be the baby's father, because they claimed to have had sex with the girl.

It is still not clear who the baby's father is.

Alfie, if you're reading, I have some advice: get your junk checked for funk and then WALK AWAY with clean hands and dong. Chalk it up as a life lesson and move on. Just be thankful you learned it now before you married the beast atop Mt. Bloodfang and were sealed to the ogre clan forever. Because that would suck. Now run, Alfie -- run as fast and far as those little child-sized feet and size 4's will take you! Also, no more sticking your penis in things until you're 30 and gainfully employed. And then only the change return slot in vending machines.

DNA test shows 13-year-old Alfie Patten is not a dad [heraldsun]

Thanks to darkfall13, Eva, Freddy, Sinclair and Romeo, who all know the only great sex is safe sex with dinosaurs.

Jan 30 2009 CubeCheater iPhone App Solves Rubik's

Been working on solving a Rubik's Cube for the last 26 years? Congratulations, you wasted your life. Keep at it, champ! Alternatively, get CubeCheater for your iPhone, take pictures of all the cube's sides, and PRESTO -- you've effectively defeated the purpose of playing with a Rubik's.

Youtube

Thanks to rox, who can solve any Rubik's in a single move of the hammer.

Also, Happy Birthday Allison! Without your scathing wit and harsh criticism my life would be much better.

Jan 16 2009 Virgin Auctioning Virginity Allegedly Gets $3.7 Million Offer -- I Should Know, It Was Me!

Remember 'Natalie Dylan', the 22-year old strumpet who's claiming to be a virgin so she can auction off her virginity to your dad? Yeah, well in what appears to be the longest-running auction ever (my last post was in early September), Natalie has allegedly received a $3.7 million dollar bid. Which, I want it to be noted, I wouldn't even pay for a virgin t-rex. F*** it, not even an albino virgin t-rex. Also, just look at that chick -- I've seen plenty of virgins (or at least the same one in the mirror everyday), and that ain't no Mary.

Natalie allegedly received over 10,000 bids and plans to use the money to go to college (read: get even bigger implants and become an adult-film star). Best of luck, Natalie, I'm rooting for you. And also, bidding. Tosseth aside thine chastity belt -- thou virginity is mine! F***, now I'm even creeping myself out.

22-Year-Old Sells Virginity Online -- and Feds Can't Do a Thing to Stop Her [foxnews]

Thanks to Bryan and The Superficial Writer, who, despite pooling their Whopper coupons, only came up with enough for a 30 seconds apiece with Natalie -- not that they'd need anymore. HIYO!

Jan 9 2009 Wife Cheats On Husband, They Separate, Man Demands Return Of Kidney Or Compensation

Doctor Richard Batista married his wife Dawnell in 1990 and donated a kidney to save her life in 2001. Since then, the whore of a hobag cheated on him and filed for divorce. And now Richard, like any normal person, wants his freaking kidney back (or $1.5 million in compensation).

He told reporters at his lawyer's office in Long Island, New York, that going public was a last resort.

"There is no deeper pain that you can ever express than betrayal from somebody who you love and devoted your life to," he said.

But divorce lawyers say a donated organ is not a marital asset to be divided.

Wow, I feel you Richard. And as a man who's going through a divorce himself, I've got to say: thank God I never gave the bitch an organ. Or a kid. Haha, I'm free!

Divorce man 'wants kidney back' [bbcnews]

Thanks to Pat and Jennaiii, who know the only organ you should ever give your wife isn't internal. Unless you've been swimming for a long time in cold water, in which case, hey, it happens to me too.

Jan 6 2009 IT BUUUUUURNS!: Australian Man Dies After Wife Sets His Penis On Fire, Things Go Wrong

That ain't right. You can't just go around setting a man's penis on fire while he's sleeping. I mean, what if he bee-lines it for the curtains?

Rajini Narayan, 44, is alleged to have doused her husband, Satish, with a flammable liquid while he was sleeping. When she set him alight, Mr Narayan jumped out of bed and knocked over the substance, causing the fire to spread.

Prosecutor Lucy Boord said Mrs Narayan had confessed to her neighbours, telling them she was a "jealous wife" and believed her husband was having an affair.

"I just wanted to burn his penis so it belongs to me and no one else, I didn't mean this to happen," Ms Boord quoted Mrs Narayan as saying.

Hooooooooooly shit! Rajini died from the injuries sustained during the penis fire last week. Now I'm not sure how the criminal law works in Australia, but in my neck of the woods this woman would get life in prison -- provided she survive the vagina dynamiting. Think Wile E. Coyote vs. Road Runner, but the Road Runner is a beaver -- and he's packed with explosives.

Hit the jump for the "IT BUUUUUURNS!" lighter trick idiot. If you've never seen it, watch the whole thing.

Continue Reading " IT BUUUUUURNS!: Australian Man Dies After Wife Sets His Penis On Fire, Things Go Wrong "

Nov 19 2008 Really? That's The Best You Could Do?

In a story that reminds me of every wedding I've ever gone to where they set out disposable cameras so you can take pictures, some dude took a snapshot of his junk with his iPhone. And, after emailing it to his mistress, his girlfriend found it. Oh snap! So what did the no-good cheating bastard do? Simple, he blamed it on Apple.

The Fanboy's excuse was that he had taken the picture but never sent it to anyone. In fact he was so worried about his Iphone taking the picture that he said had paid a visit to the ironically named Apple Genius Bar. There he swore that a spokesman for apple had told him that it was a known glitch. Photos sometimes automatically attach themselves to an e-mail address and appear in the sent folder, even though no e-mail was ever sent, he swore blind that the Genius told him.

Well folks, I think we can all walk away from this having learned a valuable lesson. One about, oh I don't know, making up better lies.

Help! Iphone snapped my husband's genitals [theinquirer]

Thanks to Michael, who doesn't take pictures of himself in the mirror for his Facebook profile.

Nov 18 2008 Couple Divorces After Husband Is Caught Banging Virtual Prostitute In Second Life

In a story that reminds me of this one, a couple is getting divorced after a wife caught the husband banging a virtual hooker in Second Life. Jesus, this shit is pathetic.

Amy Taylor, 28, said she had caught husband David Pollard, 40, having sex with an animated woman. The couple, who met in an Internet chatroom in 2003, are now separated.

"I went mad -- I was so hurt. I just couldn't believe what he'd done," Taylor told the Western Morning News. "It may have started online, but it existed entirely in the real world and it hurts just as much now it is over."

The couple's real-life wedding in 2005 was eclipsed by a fairy tale ceremony held within Second Life.

Fairy tale wedding ceremony in Second Life, beautiful. But here comes the kicker -- wait for it, wait for it.

Taylor is now in a new relationship with a man she met in the online roleplaying game World of Warcraft.

BWHA HAAH AHA HAH HAHAA! Dreams really do come true!

Second Life affair ends in divorce [cnn]

Thanks to Allegro, Curtis, and Ryan, who have never cheated on their significant others because they aren't giant sacks of shit. Ladies?

Aug 14 2008 Husband Cheats On Wife, She Sells Condom Wrapper And Picture Of His Lover's Undies

Some guy cheated on his wife and was caught after he accidentally sent her a text message meant for his mistress. She came home, and the rest is soon to be penis-chopping history.

Once upon a time there was a women who, after 22 years of marriage, found evidence that the soon to be ex-husband, had had 'The Tart' in their marital bed this very afternoon. This low life deceitful son-of-a-person ( I'm all for political correctness) blatantly denied that this event took place even though the evidence is irrefutable and is now up for auction on e-bay.

The woman is selling a picture of the "tart's" underwear and the used condom wrapper (size small) she discovered. She was originally selling the actual underwear, but eBay yanked the auction as you're not allowed to sell preworn underwear because that's freaking disgusting and a good way to catch malaria. Make sure to hit the auction link if you want to read a much, MUCH longer description of how the guy was busted. Current bidding is at $303 with 3 days remaining, and I have no idea why anybody would freaking pay that. But hey, if you're interested I'll sell you the lingerie section from a JCPenney catalog and an empty box of Trojans for the same price.

eBay Auction

Thanks Amanda and Matt, may you never have to post a similar auction.

Jul 28 2008 RaceChairs: Sports Car Seats For The Cubicle

When I was shopping for just the right ass-receptacle for my cubicle, I considered the ejector seat chair, Hula chair, and tank chair. Unfortunately, I didn't know about these fast little numbers at the time. RaceChairs are actual seats from sports cars that have been converted into office chairs. Based on the picture, they may or may not be manufactured in somebody's guest bedroom. Depending on the model, they vary in price from a paltry $2,000 to over $10,000. Holy crap. That one there is from a Ferrari 360 and costs $3,000, but I just used the company card to get the $11,000 Lamborghini LP640 Murcielago. Yeah baby, the Geekologie Grand Prix is mine this year. I'd have won last year too, but a certain cheating taint threw down an oil slick (water cooler) that sent me careening into the infield (women's restroom), where I saw my life pass before my eyes before being carried off the track by adoring fans (I snuck a peek under a stall door and was escorted out by security).

Hit the jump for a couple more chairs.

Continue Reading " RaceChairs: Sports Car Seats For The Cubicle "

Jul 14 2008 How To Win At Claw Machines: The Little Kid Method. Also, A Picture Of My Claw Winnings

We've all heard the stories before: some kid crawls into a claw machine trying to snag a free prize. Until now we just had to read about, but here comes the video! Note to parents: no matter what your paternal instincts are telling you, a claw machine is not a suitable babysitter. Hard to believe, I know.

Hit the jump for a picture I took with my cameraphone a while ago with a bunch of my claw machine winnings laid out (I'm a real catch ladies). Seriously, those are mine, and yes, the bullwhip in front actually came out of a claw machine. It was right next to a slingshot.

Continue Reading " How To Win At Claw Machines: The Little Kid Method. Also, A Picture Of My Claw Winnings "

Jan 17 2008 Wow, I've Seen It All: Infidelity Home Test Kit

For anyone out there that feels like their significant other might be unfaithful, there's the Checkmate Infidelity Home Test. For $50 you too can own your very own CSI-esque spooge detection kit. Good for up to ten samples, the kit determines if there have been any questionable fluids on items such as undergarments. Gross. Whatever happened to the old fashioned screaming accusation session? That's how you get the truth out of a lover, lots of yelling. Eventually they start crying and admitting to things. Sometimes they'll even admit to things you didn't even suspect them of (this sucks and often adds to the pain). I for one don't need this kit though, because I know my girlfriend is faithful. Partly because she's such a great girl (I love you honey), but mostly because she's chained to the water heater in the basement.

Checkmate Infidelity Home Testing Kit Offers CSI Style Faithfulness Test [tfts]

Thanks again to Melissa, who has never been unfaithful, for the tip