Feb 12 2009 Music Video: I Never Thought I'd Be On A Boat
NOTE: Video is clean version but still has lots of bleeping out since every other word is a bad one. Watch at full volume.
This is the latest from The Lonely Island, the SNL crew that made a music album. The song, I'm On A Boat, is about being on a boat. Which *yawn* is nothing special if you're a pirate captain like me. Screw your boat, I'm on a ship, bitches.
I'm on a ship, I'm on a ship, I'm on a pirate shipYou best swab my deck or I'll hook that lip
I got cannons -- I got an anchor too
Come pillage with me on the ocean blue
I'm on a ship, I'm on a ship, I'm on a pirate ship
I gots a wooden leg, bitch, I walk with a limp
We gettin' treasure -- and that booty too
I pop my pistol "YAAAAR!", while I'm aiming at you
And that, my friends, is how it's done. Now where do I sign for the record deal?
Clean Version [youtube]
and
Uncensored Version
Thanks to Jon, who is more than welcome to come sail away with me, Styx style.
Dec 22 2008 Instant Decorating: The Christmas Cannon
If there's one thing I hate about Christmas it's that fat bastard Santa and his lack of presentry for yours truly. I swear, you write one too many dirty jokes and the boubon-soaked skeezeball (trust me, I could smell his breath when I sat on his lap at the mall in '85. Also, I'm now spreading a rumor he touched my butt) passes your apartment. If there's another thing, it's decorating. It's time consuming, and, come May, you have to take everything down again. That's why the Christmas Cannon is so genius. You just lather something in glue, pump up the cannon, and BAM -- you just Christmas'd that shit. It's as easy as shooting yourself in the foot trying to shoot fish in a barrel. Which, haha, is easier than you think (read: I'm missing two toes and have to wear a special shoe).
DIY Christmas Cannon is a Festive Tinsel Explosion [gizmodo]
Nov 21 2008 Bridge Constructed By Shooting Cable-Carrying Rockets Across Huge Valley
Just look at that bridge. I was almost tempted to call it Photoshopped, but then I remembered I'm not a stupid idiot. The Siduhe Grand Bridge has been in construction for over 4 years and stands 2,132 feet above the ground below. Holy shit! One of the initial problems with building the bridge was how to get the 3,200ft long cables across the valley. The answer? Attach them to rockets and blast them across.
so you've erected the enormous towers on each side of the deep valley, deeper than any valley previously bridged. how do you get a pilot cable from one tower to the next? previous solutions have included: attaching the cable to a kite and flying it over (e.g. niagara falls suspension bridge), carrying one end by helicopter (e.g. akashi kaikyo bridge) and floating one end on a boat (e.g. brooklyn bridge). the brains behind the siduhe bridge decided to ignore all those options and break another record instead. they attached the 3200ft cables to rockets and accurately fired them over the valley, becoming the first people to do so.
Hell yes! Ah, ingenuity at its finest. And also, rocket power. PSSSSSHOOOW! But seriously, for a case of beer I'll let you shoot me out of a cannon. Two cases and I'll even wear a paper hat.
Hit the jump for several pictures of the actual rocket firings. Pretty cool stuff.
Continue Reading " Bridge Constructed By Shooting Cable-Carrying Rockets Across Huge Valley "
Jun 16 2008 Epic Failures: How Not To Drive A Tank
Tank Driving 101
Don't drive your tank off a cliff. Don't drive your tank too deep in a bog. Keep your treads on at all times. Don't try to mount another tank from behind unless you've taken it out for dinner and bought it a few drinks. Don't try to stunt-drive your tank on a single tread. And last but not least -- never, ever, ever pose for a picture with the tank you just f***ed up.
And while I'm not saying I could drive a tank any better than these guys, it'd be pretty hard not to.
A nice big gallery of tank mishaps (and a few planes for the hell of it) after the jump.
May 9 2008 Sure, Why Not?: Dissolving Bodies With Lye
Well it's not news that lye has been used in the past to dissolve bodies. But now it's being considered as a possible alternative to burying, being shot out of a cannon, and cremation by the funeral industry.
The process is called alkaline hydrolysis and was developed in this country 16 years ago to get rid of animal carcasses. It uses lye, 300-degree heat and 60 pounds of pressure per square inch to destroy bodies in big stainless-steel cylinders that are similar to pressure cookers.
The resulting brown, syrupy residue can then be flushed down the drain, or, if you're a real sicko, applied to waffles with a little butter. However the procedure does not come without its opponents.
"We believe this process, which enables a portion of human remains to be flushed down a drain, to be undignified," said Patrick McGee, a spokesman for the Roman Catholic Diocese of Manchester.
Hrrm, interesting. So how do you want to go? Personally, I want to go out sticking it to two supermodels. I couldn't care less what they do with my body after that. Just stuff me in a pizza box and throw it out with the trash.
New idea in mortuary science: Dissolving bodies with lye [newsvine]
Thanks Melissa, I hope you live a long, happy life
Feb 22 2008 Sweet Cannon Will Look Great On My Desk
If there are two things I wish I could do at work they would definitely be 1. drink (well, openly), and 2. fire a cannon. And now thanks to the 25-Inch Field Cannon one of my wishes can become reality.
This cannon features an automatic charger mechanism for rapid, multiple firing plus an automatic flint igniter. Weighing 7 lbs, it operates on the same principle as a gas engine in an automobile--using gas, fresh air, and a spark. Powdered calcium carbide "ammo" is added to the water in the chamber of the cannon. The auto flint firing mechanism creates the spark to give perfect combustion.
It costs $150 and I just ordered one. I can hardly wait. I'm going to fire it off in celebration any time I complete a job well done. Like successfully logging onto the computer, making a phone call, finishing lunch, sending an email, etc. The other cubies will probably hate me but they're a bunch of dumb a-holes anyway. Say, that reminds me of a funny joke. I just flew back from a business meeting in Detroit and boy are my arms tired because I had to punch the shit out out of a coworker for taking the window seat.
25-Inch Cannon Goes Boom [ohgizmo]
Jan 23 2008 New Gun Mouse Looks Like A Robot's Foot
Well we've posted other FPS gun-mice in the past, and now here comes another. With a more futuristic design than the other, this bad boy is just the thing you need to bust a cap in someone's ass with a rail-gun, ion-cannon, AWP, or whatever the hell else suits your fancy. The mouse features "five programmable buttons, gold plated USB connectors, and Teflon coated bottom grips". It also has a 2,000 DPI resolution and costs $73. I posted it for anyone out there that may be in the market for an ion-cannon mouse, but I'm not really feeling it. What I am feeling is my dog's bare a-hole against my arm. It feels kind of gross and cool at the same time.
FPS Gun Mouse equips you with the perfect virtual hand cannon [dvice]
Dec 5 2007 Helicopter With Automatic 12-Gauge Shotgun
The AutoCopter Gunship is the toy I always wanted growing up. It's a helicopter with a freaking Auto Assault-12 Full-Auto Shotgun by Military Police Systems attached.
The AutoCopter uses patented "intelligent neural network-based flight control algorithms" for automated flight control, and "utilizes a system that reduces recoil by 90 percent, thus the helicopter doesn't go into an instant tailspin the second the gun is fired.
Hot dog! I need one in a bad, bad way. This thing is going to jack up my paintball matches several degrees. Yep, probably right up to the first degree. Murder. Because I forgot to replace the shotty with a paintball gun.
Cool video of the thing firing after the take-off.
Continue Reading " Helicopter With Automatic 12-Gauge Shotgun "
Nov 30 2007 Donk Tank: A Maybe For The Christmas List
The JL421 Badonkadonk (yeah) Land Cruiser/Tank is a pretty sweet little vehicle. It fits five people inside or on the roof, can be controlled from inside or out, and reaches 40 mph. It's got a 400 watt "premium sound system", carpet interior, accent lighting, and Star Wars styling. They're built on an order-by-order basis, so you can have it pimped out even more should you desire a sex-swing or laser cannon. They run $20,000 and are available through Amazon. If you buy one I'd like a ride sometime. Unless you modified yours with the sex-swing and all. In which case I'll pass. Not that I wouldn't trust you or anything, but I wouldn't trust you. Because you're a sick pervert. Sex-swing: cool. Sex-swing in tank: sexual deviant.
Note: Hunter S. Thompson not included.
A picture of the thing at night after the jump.
Continue Reading " Donk Tank: A Maybe For The Christmas List "
Nov 19 2007 Metroid Samus Costume Looks Good To Me
Someone with lots of talent made a sweet Samus Aran costume from Metroid. Then some beautiful lady with lots of talent modeled it. Damn damn damn. What was I just talking about? Something about something. Oh right, the costume. Damn she looks good in that thing. Something about that beam cannon arm does magical things to me. Is it getting hot in here? I think I'm in love.
Because I love you all (and I'm not getting you anything else for Christmas) I'm posting a bunch more pictures after the jump.
Sep 20 2007 Homemade 25mm Sniper Cannon
These kids have overprotective mothers that won't let them play with real guns, so they decided to build their own out of PVC. The gun "boasts a two-and-a-half-foot barrel that is one inch in diameter, has custom bolt-action mechanism, a modded sprinkler valve as the primary firing valve, and a $40 sniper scope." There is an instructables online if you want to make your own, but I suggest you don't, because that would make you a dork, like them (and these guys). Potato guns are fine though, because I made one. There's a video after the jump, featuring the gun shooting a CO2 canister THROUGH a cardboard box! All the way! It goes ALL THE WAY THROUGH. That's power. Wow. I mean, wow. I think I felt a little movement in my pants. Wait, no, cat crawling up my leg.
Video after the jump.
