Nov 5 2009 This Isn't Your Grandma's Cell Phone! Yes It Is.
If there's one thing old people love it's soft food. If there's another it's stuff with giant-ass buttons so they can push the right one with their shaky, arthritic fingers. Aaaaaand I've officially depressed myself. Good times. Anyway, this is a cell phone for old people and people with fat fingers. Or, as we like to call them in the hand modeling biz, Vienna digits.
The 6380 Senior Mobile Phone ($75 USD) does actually have a few handy features, including a built in flashlight, and a giant "SOS" button on the back that can automatically dial a pre-set emergency number, and emit a loud warning alarm. It's also got a minimal display with large on-screen fonts, and a whopping 128×60 screen resolution.
I kind of want one. Not that I have fat fingers, because I don't. I'm just clumsy. One time I tried ordering a pizza and ended up spending an hour on a phone sex line. DAMN YEAH I WANT PEPPERONI ON THAT!
Hit the jump for two more shots of the latest in geriatric communication technology.
Continue Reading " This Isn't Your Grandma's Cell Phone! Yes It Is. "
Aug 22 2009 High Security: USB Drive Has Number Lock
Worried about somebody getting at the precious files on you flash drive? Try keeping it in your pocket and not leaving it on the bus. But if you're really worried you should handcuff it to your wrist like a briefcase filled with pirate treasure. Alternatively, get a Personal Pocket Safe USB Drive ($99).
[The drive] features a built in num keypad that requires you to enter a pin code before you can access your data. It is the 256bit encryption, if someone try to access your data by forcing access, the Personal Pocket Safe USB Drive will automatically destroy all data stored on the drive. However, if you do worry that you'll forget your PIN you can back everything up online, and there's also an optional PIN replacement assistance service available too.
Wow, that seems pretty intense. You must have some seriously serious files in order to require this much security. What are you, a spy? And, if so, how about hooking me up with a bow tie camera?
Personal Pocket Safe USB Drive [likecool]
Thanks to Ste, who keeps his data protected the old fashioned way: with hungry lions.
May 20 2009 The Original Punch-Out!!: Now More Realistic
Not to be outdone by the new Wii Punch-Out!! game that just dropped, here comes a video of the original Punch-Out!! the way it was meant to be played: with, uh, a bunch of buttons attached to a boxing dummy. While cool in theory, it leaves a little something to be desired in practice. Namely, everything. Still, I do like the sound it makes when you punch a button. Wait, no I don't.
Modified boxing dummy makes Punch-Out a bit more realistic [dvice]
Apr 13 2009 Cute: 2-Year Playing Street Fighter II Turbo
This is a video of a two-year old playing Street Fighter II Turbo HD Remix and pulling off Zangief's Double German Suplex simply by mashing all the buttons. Which, ironically, is how I play.
My two year old son's first time in front of the joystick, playing against another five year old online in Super Street Fighter 2 Turbo HD Remix. Manages to get a couple grabs and finishes the third round with a double suplex. He also did Fei Long's flaming kick and some other special moves in matches I didn't get on video. He's better at flailing at 2 than I was at 22 when SF2 came out in the arcade. :P I'm so proud.
Hearing the father say "push the buttons" gets pretty annoying after the first time, so feel free to skip to the last 15-seconds to watch the kid pull off the suplex. Then, start training your own child for a promising career in video games. Hey, anything can happen. Believe it or not, I even touched a boob once. *poker face* Admit it -- I had you going for a second!
Baby Pulls Off Zangief's Double German Suplex [kotaku]
Thanks to Julian, who once beat Sagat with one eye closed, just to be fair.
Mar 26 2009 DIY: Homemade Tupperware Joysticks
People have been going all nuts for arcade-style joysticks since Street Fighter IV dropped, so much in fact that the official $150 FightSticks are sold out everywhere online and fetching around $300 on eBay and other sites. Ain't that some shit! But now you can make your own with a little Tupperware and ingenuity. Sure it looks ridiculous, but just think how much more ridiculous it would look if it was also a fishtank. IT WOULD LOOK SO RIDICULOUS! Tupperware fishtank arcade joystick FTW! Also, fun fact: "Chun Li panties" is surprisingly not a recommended search term on Youtube. However, I did manage to find a "Street Fighter 4 butt shots/ upskirts" video. Posted after the jump!
Hit it, pervert.
Jan 28 2009 Cool!: Interactive Street Fighter On Youtube
This is some crazy-ass interactive Street Fighter game in which you actually have some limited command over what your fighter is doing by clicking on-screen buttons. All through Youtube -- amazing! Now go give it a try. Note: clicking the button to choose your opponent will open a new window. But like my grandma always used to tell me, "whenever God opens a new window, he slams an old door and nails it shut, preventing any hope of future happiness. Also, a masked stranger will sneak in your newly opened window and try fondling you in your sleep." Sound wisdom, miss you Grams.
Youtube
Thanks to MoD and NinjaMuffin, who once chained Blanka to a mini fridge in the park where he was forced to power it and keep their beer cold while they played soccer.
Jan 9 2009 Oooooh, Gamey: The Joystick Coat Rack
HangUP Arcade Coat Hooks by Surface Tension are made out of real arcade joysticks and buttons and conveniently store your coat or jacket up and out of bong's way.
Coming sometime early this year, they'll be available in 3UP and 4UP versions. You can pick your own joystick ball colors too. The standard models will ship in black walnut wood, but they're happy to take custom orders for other materials too.
Alternatively, go apeshit at the arcade and rip off a joystick and a couple buttons. Then, screw those bitches to a piece of plywood, and presto: junk. But not in your trunk -- in your foyer. Was that too sexy?
arcade joystick coat hangers: control your clutter [technabob]
Thanks to Riki Kiki Taco, who doesn't need a coat rack because she only wears win.
Nov 26 2008 Wrong, Just Plain Wrong: Vajayjay Hero
Vagina Hero is a fake Guitar Hero knockoff centered around pleasuring a woman's Thingy McThingThing. It's not even a fake game as much as a couple pictures and an article. Still, I know how some of you have never seen one before, so I figured I'd go ahead and post it. That's pretty much it right there. There's lots of crazy colors and shit and round button-y things. Ladies, back me up. I have too seen one!
The stages in Vagina Hero are women, much like the individual songs in previous Hero games released by a completely different publisher that is in no way related to Arctivision. There is no background or story explaining how you suddenly find yourself with a naked vagina in your face -- the stage loads up and it's just there.
Classy 70's-style bow-chika-wow-wow starts playing, and you find your screen assaulted with colored button-press indicators called "E-Zones". The E-Zones (or "EZ's") correspond to the same colored buttons on your Vagina Hero controller, dubbed "HodgePodge". Why HodgePodge?"Just look at it. What the f*** is that? We designed it and we don't even really know. We tried to stay true to real thing, but that's the best we could do."
Hit the jump to see a picture of the controller, which looks pretty much like every vagina I've ever seen. Just remember: the blue button takes you to a very special bonus level.
Mash that button!
Nov 19 2008 What Was That?: Guitar Hero On A Bike
I have no idea what I just watched. I think it was some sort of bicycling/Guitar Hero mashup. It didn't make any sense. Of course, many things in life don't. Like women and universal remotes. I just don't get it -- why's everything have to be so complicated?*
*I'm being spited me for drinking the holy water that one time. God, I was thirsty!
Thanks to Richard, P0STMAN, and imasys, who could play Guitar Hero on skateboards while eating Hot Fries. Good choice guys, those things are freaking delicious.
Aug 26 2008 Body Mice: Highly Questionable Peripherals
Looking for a way to put the spark back into computer porning? Enter the Body Optical Mouse, a $45 peripheral that's shaped like a woman's torso and has clickable tit buttons. You can get one with the World Cup shirt of your favorite team, or painted lingerie. Couple one with an upskirt mousepad and perv it up to the max! Each model even has its own name depending on the country, like Luisa for France and Francesca for Italy. Or, if your mouse is like the chick I brought home last night, Luke. His buttons were fake! His cord, sadly, wasn't.
Hit the jump for a couple more models.
Continue Reading " Body Mice: Highly Questionable Peripherals "
Aug 18 2008 The Geekini: Mash Those Buttons!
Similar to the gaming bra we saw before, the Geekini is an NES controller in the form factor of a bikini top and bottom. It's recommended you have a female wear the peripheral, but you can put it on yourself if you're pathetic as hell or have a women's bikini fetish. Just a heads up though: if you do manage to get your girlfriend in it, do not, I repeat, DO NOT throw her through the television if you lose a game. You scored a chick that's willing to wear a game controller bikini and let you mash her boobs. Hold on tight, and also, flat screens are expensive.
Hit the jump to see the whole bikini and where they placed the SELECT and START buttons. Spoiler: The vaj.
Aug 6 2008 Election '08: Voting For Star Wars Characters
These are bunch of designs that you can get on t-shirts, hats, buttons, posters, mugs, mouse pads and Maxi-pads to show support for your favorite Star Wars character in the coming election. There are several more designs, and you can even customize them so that your name appears underneath the character's so it looks like you're their running mate. The shirts start around $18, and I'm totally all over the Han Solo/Chewie ticket. Could you imagine? Han would be blasting mad chicks in the Oval Office (always being courteous and shooting second). And Chewie, well Chewie would just grunt a lot. Making him the best VP ever.
Star Wars Election '08 Products
Thanks Serene, I love your name.
May 6 2008 Zip Holder Keeps Your Zipper Up, Prevents Embarrasing Situations (Exposing Your Junk)
The Zip Holder is a very simple product. It consists for a rubber band that loops through your zipper hole, then over your pants button. It keeps your zipper up so it doesn't sneak down to the bottom and end up exposing your tubesteak to everyone on the #9 train. Pretty clever, but seriously, pants are on their way out -- especially ones with zippers. As a rule I don't want anything with metal teeth (especially Jaws from the Bond movies) that close to my moneymaker. Seriously though, it is my moneymaker. I moonlight for a strippergram company. Lots of Rick Roll requests these days. Hey, I don't care, it pays the bills -- there's no shame in my game. Fine, there is. Tons. Mountains of shame.
ZipHolder Zipper Holder Makes Pantsings Super Difficult [gizmodo]
Thanks to Shawn, who doesn't wear pants and the ladies are totally cool with that
Mar 13 2008 Optimus Mini 3 3.0 Keypad From Art Lebedev
Art Lebedev is now working on a follow up to the (popular?) Optimus Mini 3 keypad, the illegitimate little sister of the Optimus Maximus Keyboard. Just like its much bigger brother, the Mini has dynamic OLED buttons that can be changed according to the needs of your presentation. Updates from 2.0 include wirelessness (the other one wasn't?) and possibly some AC power. Now this is neat an all, but I think it's about time a company put something actually useful into a presentation clicker. You're thinking what I'm thinking aren't you? Hell yeah -- a powerful burning laser beam! That way when the ass-clowns in the back of the meeting start monkeying around during a lull in your Powerpoint you can kill them -- with your clicker! I think this is really going to take multimedia presentations to a whole new level. That level being, uh, laserly homicide.
NOTE: The Powerful Burning Laser Beam Presentation Clicker (Of Death) is a registered trademark of the Geekologie Writer. No unauthorized use of the product name or idea without prior written consent. Patent pending.
Optimus Mini 3 Keypad brings the 'wow' back to gadgets [dvice]
