Nov 18 2009 Ninja Fail: Overconfident (And Drunk) Ninja Attempts Fence Jump, Ends Up Impaled

A drunk and overzealous ninja, who may be the guy in this picture but was probably the kid in this video, attempted jumping over a fence in Seattle, Washington, only to impale himself on a pole. I knew about buttpirates, but who knew there were buttninjas too?! You're no drunken master!

Seattle police say a man who thought he was ninja was impaled on a metal fence when he tried to leap over it. An officer who was looking for an assault victim nearby Monday night heard the man screaming for help. Police supported him to prevent further injuries until medics arrived and took him to a hospital, where he was in serious condition in intensive care on Tuesday.

Police spokeswoman Renee Witt wrote in a department Web site posting that officers thought the man might have been involved in the reported assault, but he insisted he was just a ninja trying to clear a 4- to 5-foot-tall fence.

Witt says the man was "overconfident in his abilities," and that alcohol likely played a role.

Listen, as a public service to you Geekologie Readers that think you might be ninjas, I've got news for you: you're not. You don't wear Velcro shoes so you can be ready to strike at a moment's notice, you wear Velcro shoes because you never learned to tie regular ones. And the katana set you bought at the kiosk at the mall? You've cut yourself playing Ninja Turtles, haven't you? The prosecution rests.

Police: Would-be Seattle
ninja impaled on fence [googlenews]

Thanks to Michelle loves ninjas drunk or otherwise, Rachel, Justin, Fluffy Frontstein, wes, Sally and Lizze, who actually are trained killers and could have easily cleared that fence.

Nov 12 2009 Science-y!: Thermal Imaging Of A Toot

This is what a toot likes like under thermal imaging. Looks kind of like a ghost, don't you think? The ghost of dinners past! Get it?! Me neither. Also, I totally just made you stare at a man's ass. Women don't do that! Right? Women don't do that....right?

Picture

Thanks to Kelly, who thought it looked like musical notes.

Sep 11 2009 You Look Different: Is That You, R2?

This is definitely NOT the droid I'm looking for. Kidding -- come here you lovable little trashcan, you! Now hump my leg.

I've Got A Bad Feeling About This [pictureisunrelated]

Thanks to everyone who sent this in, next round at the cantina's on me. Psyche! I WILL SHOOT FIRST.

Aug 22 2009 You've Got To Be Kidding Me: Winkers Jeans

Winkers are jeans that have graphics on the ass that appear to move as you walk. They're called Winkers because the first pair they designed have a pair of eyes that appear to wink. These are by far the most ridiculous pants I've ever seen, so, yeah, sure to be a hit. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a date with an active volcano.

Youtube

Thanks to Richard, Brandon in New Orleans, Dude McRad and Dan, who prefer to wink with their hats like normal people.

Aug 17 2009 British Government Releases UFO Files

The British government, in an attempt to cleanse its fish and chip stained hands, has released previously confidential documents regarding little green men who come to stick things in your butt while you're sleeping (elves).

The National Archives on Monday released the government's complete file on the "Rendlesham Forest Incident" of December 1980, one of Britain's most famous UFO sightings.

Halt reported that two servicemen had noticed "unusual lights" about 3 a.m. in the woods outside the gates of RAF Woodbridge, a U.S. base in eastern England. He wrote that patrolmen sent to investigate saw "a strange glowing object" in the forest.

The metallic, triangular object "illuminated the entire forest with a white light," he wrote.

The next day, investigators found depressions in the ground and unusual radiation readings. That night many personnel -- including Halt himself -- saw a pulsing "red sun-like light" in the trees that broke into five white objects and disappeared.

I mean, is it not common knowledge by now that aliens exist. Because if they didn't, where did *rummaging around in ass* THIS come from?!? And no, this isn't just a television antennae with aluminum foil wrapped around it. Okay, so maybe it is. Still, there's something else in there, I can feel it...
...
...
...a dinosaur toy -- I've been looking for that!

Britain publishes more UFO files, but few answers [yahoonews]

Thanks to Brad, who once slept with an alien chick and didn't even bother phoning her home the next day. Bad form, Brad.

Aug 13 2009 Quality Advertising: Some Guy Catching Laptops With His Butt (I Could Do That)

This is some wack-ass ad by MSI that shows off how good their laptops are at fitting between your butt cheeks in case you ever need to sneak a computer into prison. Impressive, but not THAT impressive. I saw The Superficial Writer and IWatchstuff doing the same thing this morning WITH THEIR DESKTOPS. Printers and everything!

Youtube

Thanks to jhidekim, Lindsey and Chris, who can all catch laptops with just the gooch.

Jul 17 2009 iBum Chair: Ladies, Please -- Have A Seat

The iBum Chair by Tomomi Sayuda is a photocopier built into a chair. It might just be the best chair ever invented. The question is: do they make an office model? My secretary hopes not.

...chair will automatically photocopy your ass, when you sit this chair. When audience sit down on the chair, a scanner on the top of chair to scan people's buttocks automatically. Then the scanned image is printed out from the right hand side of the chair. A sensor is detecting people's existence all the time. So people will not realize the existence of the scanner. Without notice, the photocopy of the bum will arrive next to the chair.

Certainly brings new meaning to the phrase "casting couch chair", doesn't it? No, I guess it doesn't. You know, that sounded a lot better in my head. Along with your singing. YOU WILL NEVER BE A STAR!

Hit the jump for a video of the chair in action.

Continue Reading " iBum Chair: Ladies, Please -- Have A Seat "

Jun 12 2009 Comfort Wipe: Holding Toilet Paper In Your Hand Is "Really Archaic And Disgusting"

The Comfort Wipe is an 18" arm extender/wad of toilet paper holder for use when you can't reach your own ass or don't like your digits coming into contact with your butthole (you're doing it wrong!). Interesting. Also, I want to know the "advantages" of being big the hefty dude is talking about. In all seriousness though, this really is a great product, I just recommend buying two (read: I lost one wiping hard).

Youtube

Thanks to Wilson and gizmoduck, who just use a handful of poison ivy fashioned to a stick because they're hardcore.

May 14 2009 Russian Whale Tails Taking Web By Storm

Vilena, the woman above, is the originator of a Russian internet phenomenon I'm dubbing "whale tailing". Basically, she took the picture you see there (with her ass all up in the air, hence the "whale tail"), posted it on some social networking site, and, next thing you know, BAM, all the women are doing it. *sniff* Brings a tear to my eye. Now I don't belong to any Russian networking sites, so I say we bring the trend over here. Now THAT'S an internet phenomenon I can get behind! And thrust. HIYO!

Hit the jump for several more slightly NSFW examples, the last of which will make you sad.

Continue Reading " Russian Whale Tails Taking Web By Storm "

Feb 22 2009 Office Chair Explodes, Sending Shrapnel Into Boy's Rear, Killing Him

In today's sad story, a 14-year old boy in China allegedly bled to death after the compressed gas canister used to raise and lower his office chair exploded, launching a barrage of shrapnel into his b-hole. Now I hate to start wildly speculating who's at fault here, but it's obviously Microsoft. BCOD, folks.

Hit the jump for a picture of the underside of the chair.

Continue Reading " Office Chair Explodes, Sending Shrapnel Into Boy's Rear, Killing Him "

Jan 22 2009 Strange Lights In The Sky Can Only Mean One Of Two Things: The Aliens Are Coming Or Some Boring Natural Phenomenon

It's a well-known scientific fact that aliens have a light fetish. So these columns of light seen above the town of Sigulda, Latvia can only mean one thing: they're here. Needless to say, there's a cover-up in effect.

But experts are agreed there may be a more prosaic explanation - ice crystals in the air.

The air above the town was notably cold and filled with suspended ice crystals.

It is believed that the columns were formed by those reflecting light from the bright streetlamps and other lights on the ground - beaming it back downwards again.

Yeah, no. Aliens, bitches, they're coming. Now I'd hate to start a bunch of fearmongering without doing something to help, so I'll cut straight to the chase: I'm selling tin-foil hats and butthole tape on eBay.

Hit the jump for several more pictures of the mysterious alien beams.

Continue Reading " Strange Lights In The Sky Can Only Mean One Of Two Things: The Aliens Are Coming Or Some Boring Natural Phenomenon "

Nov 18 2008 Questionable: Highly Inappropriate Zune Ad

Allegedly this is a spec ad made for the Microsoft Zune. If it's real, I hope Microsoft demanded their money back and told the ad agency responsible they're all a bunch of sick sickos. Because this is just wrong. I don't want to ruin it for you, but it's awful. And sick. And disgusting. And morally reprehensible. Ugh, just vile. And tactless. Okay, so how'd he do that? And will finger paint work?

Youtube

Thanks "Cool Zune Ad!" Frank, I'd hate to see what you consider an uncool Zune ad.

Nov 7 2008 Thanks But No Thanks (I Value My Ass): Honda's Assisted Walking Device

Honda's taking another stab at the growing assisted walking market (that's a market!?), this time with what appears to be a robot that hides between your legs and pokes you in the genitals.

The device will supporting a portion of user's body weight whether they're crouching, walking or climbing stairs and is meant to help both those physically weakened with age or injury as well as workers who would need to reduce the stress on their bodies from heavy work or unusual positions.

The device will support users within two inches of its preset 5-foot, 7-inch user height. The entire system, including its lithium ion battery and shoes, weighs 14.3lbs, and uses two electric motors to assist users' leg movement for up to two hours before a re-charge is required.

Interesting, but I'm going to have pass. You see, I accidentally violated myself with a pogo stick once, and ever since, well, I just couldn't imagine ever cheating on it. I heart you Springy!

Hit the jump for another picture of the barebones device, along with a video of the piece in action.

Continue Reading " Thanks But No Thanks (I Value My Ass): Honda's Assisted Walking Device "

Oct 28 2008 Well Hello: Olivia Munn's Costume Party

Attack of the Show's Olivia Munn recently appeared in a Halloween spread for Complex Magazine's October issue. As you can see, she's looking pretty good. I mean I'm not dying to write home about her, but I might fire off a quick email. F*** it, I'm texting.

Hit the jump for a larger shot of each costume and a behind the scenes video.

Continue Reading " Well Hello: Olivia Munn's Costume Party "

Sep 18 2008 'Toilet Paper Researchers' Develop 3-Ply TP

First of all, what in the hell is a 'toilet paper researcher', and how do I become one? Secondly, this is ridiculous. I've been wiping with the comics for years, and let me tell you -- you could probably read Garfield on my buttcheeks.

Yes, there is such a thing as a toilet-paper researcher. And a team of them at Georgia Pacific's Innovation Institute in Neenah has come up with a three-ply version of its Quilted Northern product.

The new product will be launched Monday. The company touts the toilet tissue as "ultra-soft" and says it plans to market the product to women 45 and older who view their bathroom as a "sanctuary for quality time."

Hey, I'm not 45+ or female, but I'm all for a "sanctuary of quality time". I spend countless hours in my cozy fortress of solitude. It even has a bidet. I've been using it for a couple months and, honest to God, I haven't gotten a single cavity. Yay fluoride!

Toilet-Paper Researchers Create 3-Ply Tissue [livescience]
via
"Toilet Paper Researchers" Create 3-Ply Tissue [gizmodo]

Thanks to Emma, who, in the world of comfy toilet paper, would be like 12-ply

Sep 4 2008 37 Prisoners Caught Hiding Cell Phones In Their Bodies, 7 Require Surgery To Retrieve

In a story that harks back to Captain Sneakapeak and the case of the missing cameraphone, comes this story. 37 Pakistani prisoners at Camp Jail were found to be hiding cell phones in their bodies. All but seven were easily removed. The seven that didn't come out so easily were all smart phones. Those required surgery. Read: removal of the asshole. Just kidding, I don't know what they did. What I do know is I'm starting to get worried why my Bluetooth headset and charger haven't passed yet.

7 Prisoners undergo surgery to remove mobile phones from their butts [newlaunches]

Thanks to Silver Sided, who knows a guy who once snuck an entire phonebooth into jail.

Jul 10 2008 Rock-afire Explosion Band For Sale On eBay!

Well after yesterday's exciting Rock-afire Explosion post, a loyal tipster has notified me there's a set for sale on eBay. And it's only $14,000!

Showbiz Pizza Rock-afire Explosion Complete Show for Sale!

Complete 3 stage show with curtains and curtain rods. Show is mostly restored and ready to install at your location.

Of course, there are a few things about the auction that concern me. For starters, the seller only has 50% positive feedback for the past year. In one instance it was claimed they never sent an item that was paid for.

I Never Received Merchandise- Refund bounced. No Response from Seller

In another, they backed out of purchasing a car.

Car was misrepresented in ad; had to turn off with a screwdriver & more problems

Ha, the old bait and screwdriver ignition switch, freaking classic. No, but what really worries me is this: I've got the distinct feeling this particular band was used to lure kids into some guy's basement (more pics after the jump). After all, no child can resist free pizza and a couple songs played by the Rock-afire Explosion. And, as I learned years ago, some creepy dude trying to touch your butt doesn't seem all that awkward after watching their performance.

Hit the jump for the rest of the pictures and a link to the auction.

Continue Reading " Rock-afire Explosion Band For Sale On eBay! "

Jun 26 2008 Pervwad Hides Cellphone Up His Keister

Jeffrey Barrier is a pervwad. One that was standing on a chair taking cameraphone pictures of a naked chick in Cincinnati, Ohio's Aloha Tanning salon. The woman spotted him and police were quickly on the scene.

When cops later confronted Barrier, "he kept denying any involvement of the incident" and claimed to not have a camera. However, a second search of the suspect turned up the camera. As noted in a Hamilton County Sheriff's Office report, Barrier "did hide evidence in his anus."

Ah yes, the ol' cellphone in the anus trick. Been there, Jeffrey. It helps if you turn the ringer off. Say, this reminds me of a song I just made up.

Well, if my ass is a ringin', don't bother callin'
Yeah, if my ass is a ringin', don't bother callin'
If my ass is a ringin', don't bother, my cellphone's in my anus

Hit the jump for a picture of Captain Perv and a copy of the Sherriff's report and court affidavit.

Continue Reading " Pervwad Hides Cellphone Up His Keister "

Jun 3 2008 How To: Keep That Ass Cool And Swamp-Free

Use this thing, the Suzukaze Air-Conditioned Seat Cushion. It keeps your rear cool, funk free, and is allegedly eco-friendly.

Using the sweat generated by your bum and a tiny bit of energy, this cushion has an internal fan that blows over 170 liters of air per minute to keep your nether-region cool. It is light weight, portable, and so efficient that even if used as much as 8 hours a day, you'd still only spend pennies per month on electricity.

Whatever happened to prevention being the best medicine? If this thing needs sweat to operate, then it only works after I've already got a problem. A huge problem. Mainly that my ass is a La Brea Tar Pit and no amount of fanning is gonna save the dinosaurs.

Keep Your Bum And The Earth Cool [ecogeek]

Thanks to Shawn, who probably sent this after he saw the stain I left in his car

May 21 2008 Gourmet Chocolates Shaped Like, Uh, Yeah

I tried to avoid posting these because the product is sophomoric and I'm a real class act with serious journalistic integrity, but I got the tip so many times that I figured I pretty much had to. So here it is, the Incredible Edible Anus. You heard correct -- butthole shaped chocolates. You can order a box of 12 (unknown price) or a single 35mm x 25mm x 25mm 'Big Boy' for about $6. And for a limited time you can get one made out of pure silver for about $470! "People come and people go. Our solid silver anus is immune from the daily wear and tear that similar products experience." I assume they're talking about actual buttholes there. Grossed out yet? I have been for fifteen minutes already. Take it away, testimonials!

'They're fab - I want to get my hands on some more!' Graham Norton - TV Presenter

'Say 'Thank You' with a box of delightful chocolate starfish.'
Bizarre Magazine

'The very existence of these Milk Chocolate B*mholes probably heralds the destruction of the Earth by fire. And about time, too.'
G Scene Magazine

'Thanks for the Incredible Silver Anus, it was a wedding gift. '
Buyer: courtney.bell

'The best anus I've ever paid for. First Class Service and well packaged. Cheers '
Buyer: 123thomaspope

'FUNNY GAG. TASTES GOOD TOO CONSIDERING IM EATING SOMEONES ASS!!! THANKS!! '
Buyer: srhmusic

Self-confessed anal-choco-holic, excellent fix! speedy delivery, supa service*** '
Buyer: mariamerton10x

I wonder who made the mold. And whether or not they've tried one.

Product Site (check out the URL)

Thanks Allyson, Shawn, and Greg, this is just what I wanted to wake up to