Oct 8 2009 Move Those Buns!: Getting People To Use The Stairs Instead Of The Escalator

This is a video made at a subway station in Stockholm that asks the question, "can we get more people to choose the stairs by making it fun to do?" And the answer, amazingly, is yes -- by converting the stairs into a giant piano a la Big. Granted in the U.S. not a single extra person would have taken the stairs and at least two women would have called the cops about a possible bomb. Still, good going, guys, but I would have just turned off the escalator.

These Piano Stairs Will Motivate Even The Laziest of You [gizmodo]

Sep 1 2009 It's No Wrist Rest: The Computer Key Seat

Don't smile at me like that! I can tell these $125 computer key seats have been around for a while because of the '© 2004' text in the image. What can I say, I'm observant. Hey -- I saw that! Anyway, this was the first time I'd seen these chairs so they're new to me. If they're not new to you, congratulations, you've been around the block (internet whore).

This unique stool is a great low-tech item for any computer geek. Insert this eye-catching seat in the dorm, game room or even an internet café . The contoured shape holds your backspace just like your finger rests in a key. Measures 22 inches square and 15 inches high and has 'sit' printed on the top. We also offer to customize these stools with your own message or logo.

Yes, but I want mine to be a delete key. Get it? Because I want to delete my fat ass! I heard you want an insert. HIYO!

Product Site

Thanks to Kristin, who wants an escape.

Aug 22 2009 You've Got To Be Kidding Me: Winkers Jeans

Winkers are jeans that have graphics on the ass that appear to move as you walk. They're called Winkers because the first pair they designed have a pair of eyes that appear to wink. These are by far the most ridiculous pants I've ever seen, so, yeah, sure to be a hit. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a date with an active volcano.

Youtube

Thanks to Richard, Brandon in New Orleans, Dude McRad and Dan, who prefer to wink with their hats like normal people.

Aug 13 2009 Quality Advertising: Some Guy Catching Laptops With His Butt (I Could Do That)

This is some wack-ass ad by MSI that shows off how good their laptops are at fitting between your butt cheeks in case you ever need to sneak a computer into prison. Impressive, but not THAT impressive. I saw The Superficial Writer and IWatchstuff doing the same thing this morning WITH THEIR DESKTOPS. Printers and everything!

Youtube

Thanks to jhidekim, Lindsey and Chris, who can all catch laptops with just the gooch.

Jun 23 2009 Stay Away!: The Robotic Needle Of Death

We've already seen one robotic death needle, so what's another? EVERYTHING, THAT'S WHAT. I am honestly *this close* to drinking the Kool-Aid. But allegedly, this robot was designed to do good. Pfft, I've heard one that before. I'm looking at you, Elmo. You tried to touch me while I was sleeping.

Bioengineers at Duke University have developed a laboratory robot that can successfully locate tiny pieces of metal within flesh and guide a needle to its exact location -- all without the need for human assistance.

I stopped reading there because my pants were getting full, but just look at that needle. You really want a robot operating on you with that thing without human intervention? Fine, but it's gonna be your second butthole, not mine.

Robot surgeon uses frighteningly large needle to remove shrapnel, your resistance [engadget]

Thanks to STOMPY, who already has three.

Jun 12 2009 Comfort Wipe: Holding Toilet Paper In Your Hand Is "Really Archaic And Disgusting"

The Comfort Wipe is an 18" arm extender/wad of toilet paper holder for use when you can't reach your own ass or don't like your digits coming into contact with your butthole (you're doing it wrong!). Interesting. Also, I want to know the "advantages" of being big the hefty dude is talking about. In all seriousness though, this really is a great product, I just recommend buying two (read: I lost one wiping hard).

Youtube

Thanks to Wilson and gizmoduck, who just use a handful of poison ivy fashioned to a stick because they're hardcore.

May 14 2009 Russian Whale Tails Taking Web By Storm

Vilena, the woman above, is the originator of a Russian internet phenomenon I'm dubbing "whale tailing". Basically, she took the picture you see there (with her ass all up in the air, hence the "whale tail"), posted it on some social networking site, and, next thing you know, BAM, all the women are doing it. *sniff* Brings a tear to my eye. Now I don't belong to any Russian networking sites, so I say we bring the trend over here. Now THAT'S an internet phenomenon I can get behind! And thrust. HIYO!

Hit the jump for several more slightly NSFW examples, the last of which will make you sad.

Continue Reading " Russian Whale Tails Taking Web By Storm "

Apr 26 2009 Admit It, Government: Aliens Are Real, Yo

Aliens are real, here on earth, and the U.S. government has the proof to prove it, at least according to Edgar Mitchell, the longest moonwalker (suck it, MJ!), and handsome devil seen in the photo above. This is not the first time Edgar 'Aliens In My Ass' Mitchell has confessed his belief in extraterestrians, or whatever the hell you call them.

"It is now time to put away this embargo of truth about the alien presence," said the astronaut who made the longest moonwalk in history. "I call upon our government to open up ... and become a part of this planetary community that is now trying to take our proper role as a spacefaring civilization."

Asked why there still is no definitive proof, he said: "We have that, it's just that it's been covered up and denied by the powers that be in our own government," adding that "there's a secret government" that may be run by the "military-industrial complex."

Listen, Edgar 'Check Your Feces for Pieces of Antennae' Mitchell -- everyone with half a brain knows there are aliens among us. The problem is, you can't go spitting all that knowledge to the general public without these idiots rushing to the grocery store and buying up all the peanut butter and taping their buttholes closed every night. PEOPLE CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH. Could you imagine what would happen if they found out the president was a robot....
....
.... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

CURL: Astronaut says we're not alone [washingtonpost]

Thanks to Fish Man, who lives underwater and doesn't have to worry about aliens as much because they can't swim.

Feb 27 2009 I Like: Sesame Street Duct Tape Wallets

These are duct tape wallets made to look like Sesame Street characters. As you can see, there's Burt, Ernie, the Count, the homoerotic ticklish one, that crazy cooking eating bitch, and the angry bastard that lives in a homeless dome.

Each have a character on the front, with 6 slots for your cards (each can fit 2 or 3 cards) and a pocket for your money and reciepts. At $13 each plus $3 for shipping, it's not a bad price.

As cool as it would be to whip one of these mama-jamas out on a first date, I always let the lady pay for dinner. And, if she's lucky, I'll take care of dessert. Ice cream cake, baby -- love that shit!

Sesame Street Duct Tape Wallets [wallethacker]

Thanks to Hatch, who was made famous for his role in LOST.

Feb 22 2009 Office Chair Explodes, Sending Shrapnel Into Boy's Rear, Killing Him

In today's sad story, a 14-year old boy in China allegedly bled to death after the compressed gas canister used to raise and lower his office chair exploded, launching a barrage of shrapnel into his b-hole. Now I hate to start wildly speculating who's at fault here, but it's obviously Microsoft. BCOD, folks.

Hit the jump for a picture of the underside of the chair.

Continue Reading " Office Chair Explodes, Sending Shrapnel Into Boy's Rear, Killing Him "

Jan 22 2009 Strange Lights In The Sky Can Only Mean One Of Two Things: The Aliens Are Coming Or Some Boring Natural Phenomenon

It's a well-known scientific fact that aliens have a light fetish. So these columns of light seen above the town of Sigulda, Latvia can only mean one thing: they're here. Needless to say, there's a cover-up in effect.

But experts are agreed there may be a more prosaic explanation - ice crystals in the air.

The air above the town was notably cold and filled with suspended ice crystals.

It is believed that the columns were formed by those reflecting light from the bright streetlamps and other lights on the ground - beaming it back downwards again.

Yeah, no. Aliens, bitches, they're coming. Now I'd hate to start a bunch of fearmongering without doing something to help, so I'll cut straight to the chase: I'm selling tin-foil hats and butthole tape on eBay.

Hit the jump for several more pictures of the mysterious alien beams.

Continue Reading " Strange Lights In The Sky Can Only Mean One Of Two Things: The Aliens Are Coming Or Some Boring Natural Phenomenon "

Nov 18 2008 Questionable: Highly Inappropriate Zune Ad

Allegedly this is a spec ad made for the Microsoft Zune. If it's real, I hope Microsoft demanded their money back and told the ad agency responsible they're all a bunch of sick sickos. Because this is just wrong. I don't want to ruin it for you, but it's awful. And sick. And disgusting. And morally reprehensible. Ugh, just vile. And tactless. Okay, so how'd he do that? And will finger paint work?

Youtube

Thanks "Cool Zune Ad!" Frank, I'd hate to see what you consider an uncool Zune ad.

Nov 7 2008 Thanks But No Thanks (I Value My Ass): Honda's Assisted Walking Device

Honda's taking another stab at the growing assisted walking market (that's a market!?), this time with what appears to be a robot that hides between your legs and pokes you in the genitals.

The device will supporting a portion of user's body weight whether they're crouching, walking or climbing stairs and is meant to help both those physically weakened with age or injury as well as workers who would need to reduce the stress on their bodies from heavy work or unusual positions.

The device will support users within two inches of its preset 5-foot, 7-inch user height. The entire system, including its lithium ion battery and shoes, weighs 14.3lbs, and uses two electric motors to assist users' leg movement for up to two hours before a re-charge is required.

Interesting, but I'm going to have pass. You see, I accidentally violated myself with a pogo stick once, and ever since, well, I just couldn't imagine ever cheating on it. I heart you Springy!

Hit the jump for another picture of the barebones device, along with a video of the piece in action.

Continue Reading " Thanks But No Thanks (I Value My Ass): Honda's Assisted Walking Device "

Oct 20 2008 Pouf-Man Chairs: Pac-Man's Bastard Brother

Design house QAYOT designed these Pouf-Man chairs. And I use "designed" loosely, since they're obviously freaking Pac-Man. Available in red, white, black and brown, the chairs are sure to liven up your rumpus rooom with a little video gamey flair. No word on price though, and the company makes no guarantee Pouf-Man won't munch the carpet.

Hit it for a few more of different seating possibilities.

Continue Reading " Pouf-Man Chairs: Pac-Man's Bastard Brother "

Sep 18 2008 'Toilet Paper Researchers' Develop 3-Ply TP

First of all, what in the hell is a 'toilet paper researcher', and how do I become one? Secondly, this is ridiculous. I've been wiping with the comics for years, and let me tell you -- you could probably read Garfield on my buttcheeks.

Yes, there is such a thing as a toilet-paper researcher. And a team of them at Georgia Pacific's Innovation Institute in Neenah has come up with a three-ply version of its Quilted Northern product.

The new product will be launched Monday. The company touts the toilet tissue as "ultra-soft" and says it plans to market the product to women 45 and older who view their bathroom as a "sanctuary for quality time."

Hey, I'm not 45+ or female, but I'm all for a "sanctuary of quality time". I spend countless hours in my cozy fortress of solitude. It even has a bidet. I've been using it for a couple months and, honest to God, I haven't gotten a single cavity. Yay fluoride!

Toilet-Paper Researchers Create 3-Ply Tissue [livescience]
via
"Toilet Paper Researchers" Create 3-Ply Tissue [gizmodo]

Thanks to Emma, who, in the world of comfy toilet paper, would be like 12-ply

Sep 16 2008 Naked Man Walks Dog, Gets Tasered

A 40-year old virgin in Tallahassee, Florida was tasered and arrested last Friday night for walking his dog in the nude (him, the dog had a collar on). Apparently the man become belligerent and refused to obey a cops orders, which led to the zap zap action. And here comes the kicker:

When asked what he was doing, the man told the officer, "Allah told me to watch a Bruce Willis movie and walk the dog," (Officer) McCranie said.

Holy shit, I need his dealer's number.

Naked man walking dog Tasered by Tallahassee police [tallahassee]

Thanks to Ryan, who at least has the decency to throw on a hat before going out.

Sep 4 2008 37 Prisoners Caught Hiding Cell Phones In Their Bodies, 7 Require Surgery To Retrieve

In a story that harks back to Captain Sneakapeak and the case of the missing cameraphone, comes this story. 37 Pakistani prisoners at Camp Jail were found to be hiding cell phones in their bodies. All but seven were easily removed. The seven that didn't come out so easily were all smart phones. Those required surgery. Read: removal of the asshole. Just kidding, I don't know what they did. What I do know is I'm starting to get worried why my Bluetooth headset and charger haven't passed yet.

7 Prisoners undergo surgery to remove mobile phones from their butts [newlaunches]

Thanks to Silver Sided, who knows a guy who once snuck an entire phonebooth into jail.

Jul 10 2008 Rock-afire Explosion Band For Sale On eBay!

Well after yesterday's exciting Rock-afire Explosion post, a loyal tipster has notified me there's a set for sale on eBay. And it's only $14,000!

Showbiz Pizza Rock-afire Explosion Complete Show for Sale!

Complete 3 stage show with curtains and curtain rods. Show is mostly restored and ready to install at your location.

Of course, there are a few things about the auction that concern me. For starters, the seller only has 50% positive feedback for the past year. In one instance it was claimed they never sent an item that was paid for.

I Never Received Merchandise- Refund bounced. No Response from Seller

In another, they backed out of purchasing a car.

Car was misrepresented in ad; had to turn off with a screwdriver & more problems

Ha, the old bait and screwdriver ignition switch, freaking classic. No, but what really worries me is this: I've got the distinct feeling this particular band was used to lure kids into some guy's basement (more pics after the jump). After all, no child can resist free pizza and a couple songs played by the Rock-afire Explosion. And, as I learned years ago, some creepy dude trying to touch your butt doesn't seem all that awkward after watching their performance.

Hit the jump for the rest of the pictures and a link to the auction.

Continue Reading " Rock-afire Explosion Band For Sale On eBay! "

Jun 26 2008 Pervwad Hides Cellphone Up His Keister

Jeffrey Barrier is a pervwad. One that was standing on a chair taking cameraphone pictures of a naked chick in Cincinnati, Ohio's Aloha Tanning salon. The woman spotted him and police were quickly on the scene.

When cops later confronted Barrier, "he kept denying any involvement of the incident" and claimed to not have a camera. However, a second search of the suspect turned up the camera. As noted in a Hamilton County Sheriff's Office report, Barrier "did hide evidence in his anus."

Ah yes, the ol' cellphone in the anus trick. Been there, Jeffrey. It helps if you turn the ringer off. Say, this reminds me of a song I just made up.

Well, if my ass is a ringin', don't bother callin'
Yeah, if my ass is a ringin', don't bother callin'
If my ass is a ringin', don't bother, my cellphone's in my anus

Hit the jump for a picture of Captain Perv and a copy of the Sherriff's report and court affidavit.

Continue Reading " Pervwad Hides Cellphone Up His Keister "

Jun 3 2008 How To: Keep That Ass Cool And Swamp-Free

Use this thing, the Suzukaze Air-Conditioned Seat Cushion. It keeps your rear cool, funk free, and is allegedly eco-friendly.

Using the sweat generated by your bum and a tiny bit of energy, this cushion has an internal fan that blows over 170 liters of air per minute to keep your nether-region cool. It is light weight, portable, and so efficient that even if used as much as 8 hours a day, you'd still only spend pennies per month on electricity.

Whatever happened to prevention being the best medicine? If this thing needs sweat to operate, then it only works after I've already got a problem. A huge problem. Mainly that my ass is a La Brea Tar Pit and no amount of fanning is gonna save the dinosaurs.

Keep Your Bum And The Earth Cool [ecogeek]

Thanks to Shawn, who probably sent this after he saw the stain I left in his car