Nov 3 2009 The Gift Of Love: A Beating Heart Plushie

Looking for the perfect gift for that special someone? Give them your heart! Well, not your actual heart (unless you know that creepy mother from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom). With just a shake this $18 anatomically correct heart from ThinkGeek begins making beating noises and pulsating in your lover's hand! Perfect to sleep with whenever your significant other is out of town. Or in town cheating on you!*

*Tear absorbent

ThinkGeek Product Site
via
Plush Beating Heart: Halloween and Valentine's Day All Rolled Up Into One [uberreview]

Oct 26 2009 What Could Go Wrong?: Razor Blade Soap

Razor blade soap is exactly what it sounds like, unless you thought it was razor blade shaped soap, in which case it's not. No, razor blade soap has an actual razor blade inside. A nice rusty one. But don't worry -- you'll bleed out well before the lockjaw sets in. Available for $7/bar, it makes the perfect gift for that special someone in the slammer. Alternatively, Polish roulette!

Razor Blade Soap Puts Your Nipples At Risk [nerdapproved]

Thanks to Closet Nerd, who once made soap with a revolver inside and shot himself in the butt. Use a wash cloth, bro.

Oct 22 2009 Geekologie Review: Blood Energy Potion

I drank this stuff, it was good. It's thick and tastes like Hawaiian Punch concentrate. They recommend you put it in the microwave for 14 seconds to heat it up to body temperate. I did that. That made it warm. It was weird warm. Like licking a fresh wound, but sweeter. I think it gave me superhuman strength and speed but I won't know for sure till after I whip this nancy Edward Cunnilingus' pale ass.

Synthetic blood substitute. The fruit punch flavor packs 4 hours of energy along with iron, protein, and electrolytes. Not only does Blood Energy Potion have a similar nutritional makeup to real blood, but it has the same color, look, and consistency. Get real blood nutrients without that real blood taste! Re-sealable transfusion bag style pouch. Contains no real blood, just synthetic!

A 4-pack will set you back $16 but they get cheaper the more you buy. It's definitely a cool product for Halloween and certainly an attention getter. Not as attention getting as actually biting a stranger, but why risk the disease? Because you're crazy, that's why. I say do it. Bite that old lady. BITE HER NOW!

Product Site (order before 3PM tomorrow, October 23rd for Halloween delivery)

Oct 12 2009 WTF Is That?!?: A Frozen Blood Head

Let's cut right to the questionable chase: this is a sculpture (or mold) of artist Marc Quinn's head made from 4.5 liters of his own frozen blood. Really gets you in that Halloween spirit, doesn't it? No, not so much.

The blood is taken from this own body over a period of five months. The work is then repeated every five years to establish a unique record of the artist aging.

Now I'm not here to judge art, but that seems pretty sick. Plus, what if the power goes out on your freezer while you're away on vacation? How do you explain the 4.5 liter bloodstain in your garage? You hunt deer. That was a freebie -- next time, you owe me.

Creepy And Disgusting "Self" Art By Equally Creepy Artist Marc Quinn [youbentmywookie]

Thanks to eric, who once made a head out of frozen orange juice concentrate. It was delicious.

Oct 9 2009 Could It Really Be?: Link's Biological Father

This is a picture of a Nordic looking dude who may or may not be Link's biological father. He probably is, I just never pictured Link Sr. as a pantless cigar smoker. I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that. Love you Grandpa!

Picture (WARNING: all other images on that site are verrrrry NSFW. Clicking any of the other tags on the page will take you to cartoon pictures that will get you fired, including a ton more Zelda-themed ones I didn't look at, I swear).

Thanks to Yopoleo, who I question how he found the picture in the first place. Suuuure you just stumbled across it searching Google!

Oct 6 2009 Yikes!: Vampire Teeth Baby Pacifiers

As if babies aren't scary enough already, now you can get $7 vampire teeth pacifiers that make them look like they're gonna suck blood instead of breast milk. No way -- not from this teat!

Billy Bob pacifiers for babies with personality. You will receive this hilarious, Lil' Vampire Billy Bob pacifier. It is brand new in manufacturers' packaging.

WARNING: Do not tie pacifier around child's neck, as it presents a strangulation danger.

Geez, who on earth would ever tie a pacifier around a child's neck? I mean, besides your parents. One time they left you on top of the car and drove off!

Product Site
via
Halloween Lil' Vampire Pacifier Makes Babies Scary Even While Sleeping [walyou]

Oct 4 2009 Don't Tell The Robots!: Blood Powered Lamp

Awesome, a lamp powered by human blood. Because this will end well.

What if, every time you wanted to switch on a light, you had to bleed? Would you think twice before illuminating the room, and in turn, using up energy?

That's the idea behind the blood lamp, invented by Mike Thomspon, an English designer based in The Netherlands. The lamp contains luminol - the same chemical forensic scientists use to check for traces of blood at a crime scence. Luminol reacts with the iron in red blood cells and creates a bright blue glow. To use the lamp, you first need to mix in an activating powder. Then, you break the glass, cut yourself, and drip blood into the opening.

And this, my friends, is how our robotic overlords will read their Kindles at night. And I'll be damned if I become some robot's lamp juice. You hear me?! You will never take my blood! Quick, Edward, bite me! DO IT NOW, NANCY! *swoon* God I love your hair.

Lamp Runs On Human Blood [livescience]

Thanks to Dustin, who has never kissed a vampire (he didn't like).

Sep 28 2009 Not Just For Vampires: Blood Energy Drink

Blood Energy Potion is a $6 energy drink (availableJanuary 2010) that was made to look -- and have the same nutritional value -- of real blood. That's pretty gross.

"The fruit punch flavor packs 4 hours of energy along with iron, protein, and electrolytes. Not only does Blood Energy Potion have a similar nutritional makeup to real blood, but it has the same color, look, and consistency of blood. Get real blood nutrients without that real blood taste! The re-sealable transfusion bag style pouch provides the convenient delivery of fluids for vampires and humans alike! Contains no real blood, just synthetic! "

Pfft, forget synthetic blood. I drink the real deal. ISN'T THAT RIGHT, MY FALLEN ENEMIES?! Say, none of you had AIDS, right?

Product Site
via
Blood Energy Drink [likecool]

Thanks to Ste, who is holding out for a bile energy drink. HORF.

Sep 20 2009 Reusable Pokémon Woman Pad Thingies

I don't even know what to say except WTF, HORF and I would totally tape that to my head like a do-rag. Available for $8 on Etsy, this reusable menstrual pad (I can't believe I'm typing this) is perfect for the Pokémon-loving, environmentally friendly chick with unshaven pits in your life. Not bleach safe or for human consumption. Really?! THEN WHY DID I JUST EAT ONE? Wait, why did I just eat one? My stomach: pump it. The contents: gotta catch 'em all!

Pokémon Menstrual Pad, Yours for Eight Bucks [kotaku]

Thanks to Aisha, I think.

Sep 15 2009 Are You Out Of Your Damn Mind? Alternatively: Oh Helllllllll No: A Needle Wielding, Blood Sucking Robot

Can you count the number of things wrong in the picture above? If you answered, "every single one", congratulations, you are correct. You see, Bloodbot is a robot designed to stab you with a needle. And I think we can all agree: that is exactly NOT what Jesus would do.

The robot consists of an arm with a needle and a probe. In order to find an accessible vein, the robot probes around your arm until it finds an area of flesh that is a little bit less squishy than the rest. Then it jabs you with a needle, and when it feels a little pop indicating that it's punched through into a vein, it knows to stop the jabbage, lest it go right through the other side of your vein, out the back of your arm, and into your femoral artery, causing a massive amount of hemorrhaging that will no doubt kill you in minutes.

So far, the robot is accurate about 78% of the time.

Hell no. Helllllllllll no. I don't care if it's accurate 110% of the time, no robot is getting anywhere near these precious, alcohol filled veins with a needle. I'd rather stab myself in the heart with a cannonball. And not just because I'm a pirate, but I do love booty. Seriously -- back that thang up, wench!

Bloodbot Stabs You Like A Pro [botjunkie]

Thanks to Spikey DaPikey and qix, who once stabbed a pair of robots in the eyes with syringes full of acid and made them melt from the inside out. Nice, guys, I like your style.

Sep 11 2009 Noooo!: Prego-Bot Gives Birth To Robo-Son

In one of the most f'ed up things I've seen in recent history, the University of Arizona Medical Center has a robotic woman that gives birth to a robotic son so that medical students can witness the horrors of robotic birth firsthand.

Named Noelle, she grunts, screams, yells at the doctors, pees, bleeds -- and yes, even gives birth (to a cute little robot baby named Hal).

Paid for with a $40,000 grant from Miami-based Guarnard Scientific, the university bought Noell, baby Hal, and another, smaller robot-baby in January. Then Noelle was taken out of commission for a while when medical students (yelp!) broke her pelvic bone.

an average of 20 medical students a week diagnose all sorts of birth complications like cesareans and breach births. Noelle can even hemorrhage, all while screaming in pain and yelling things like "don't touch me" at the medical students.

Great, at this rate she's gonna have like 1,000 babies a year. WHO KEEPS KNOCKING THIS ROBOTIC BITCH UP? I'm looking at you, shifty night patrolman! DUM DUM DUM!

University of Arizona Medical Students Help Robot Give Birth to Baby Robot [phoenixnewtimes]

Thanks to Demon Spawn, who get it pregnant with like thirty little devil babies.

Sep 1 2009 Possessed: The Boy Who Cries Wolf Blood

15-year old Calvino Inman is just like any other 15 year old boy. Except he's possessed by the devil and cries tears of blood. BURN HIM WITH FIRE! Now I'm not saying this a hoax, but I am saying I caught Calvino siphoning red food coloring up his ass (strictly by accident, I swear). DUM DUM DUM! Book 'em, Danno.

Youtube

Thanks to leftRIGHTleft, who has to remind herself how to walk or she gets all tripped up.

Aug 20 2009 For The (Clumsy) Ladies: Twilight Bandages

Look down. Do you have breasts? If so, you're a woman or a man who could afford to lose some weight. Either of which may be interested in these Twilight bandages. They're band-aids, but with Twilight shit on them. Now, not to flaunt my superior product design skills or anything, but they should have made the bandages look like vampire bites. BOOM, $1 million idea. You'd have girls throwing themselves off their bicycles just so they could wear more of them. Oh, right, Twi-hards are cutters.

Product Site (sorry ladies, currently sold out)

Thanks to ech0z, who doesn't wear bandages because he has the healing properties of Wolverine, but is way more rugged and handsome. There, I did it -- now pay up.

Aug 7 2009 Seriously, I Would Eat This Brain Cupcake

I would eat this zombie brain cupcake (made by Flickr user xsomnis) and then ask for seconds. And if there aren't any seconds, well, I'm looking at your head. I WILL EAT YOUR BRAINS, SON. The hypothalamus is my favorite!

zombie food [xsomnis' Flickr]

Thanks to Jessica, who once brained a zombie with a crowbar and then licked the crowbar afterward. It's true, I saw her.

Aug 6 2009 Fisticups: Because I'm Not A Morning Person

Sure we've already seen brass knuckle inspired coffee receptacles in the past, but, quite frankly, those ones didn't look as good (I did like the blood splatter though). Now the Fisticup from Fred (available mid-September for around $15) -- this is a coffee mug I can really sink my fingers into. But a warning: I will mug you in the face if you even think about asking me to do any work before lunch. You hear that, Steve? You hear that, Dan? Otherwise, two guys, one fisticup, I WILL MAKE THAT HAPPEN.

Fisticup [buzzfeed]

Thanks to Gino, who one punched a coworker with his coffee mug and spilled bourbon everywhere and that's how we all found out he drinks all day at work.

Jul 30 2009 Blocky Love: A Tetris Heart Tattoo

A Tetris heart tattoo, I love it. I can't really tell what part of the body it's on, but I'm gonna go ahead and pretend it's not the taint. Because that would be a big one.

Hit the jump for several more Tetris tattoo, including another heart.

Continue Reading " Blocky Love: A Tetris Heart Tattoo "

Jul 29 2009 Honey, I'm Gonna Need That Ring Back: Nano-diamonds May Help Heal Wounds

Seen here is Dr. Manhattan's conception a nano-diamond attracting insulin to help a wound heal quicker. Neat, but I'd still douse it with Blue # 1 just to be on the safe side.

Northwestern University scientist Dean Ho and his team discovered that nanodiamonds are very attractive to insulin, best know for helping regulate blood sugar. Insulin, however, can also accelerate healing processes and stave off infection in wound sites, according to Ho:

Insulin accelerates wound healing by acting as a growth hormone. It encourages skin cells to proliferate and divide, restores blood flow to the wound, suppresses inflammation and fights infection.

Nice, but I can't even get my insurance to cover regular bandages at the doctor, so I can pretty much forget about DIABANDAGES©. Haha -- pay me, suckers!

Diamonds Are A Wound's Best Friend [io9]

Thanks to Tank and Totex, who once shot up emeralds and died. Don't do precious stones, kids.

Jul 13 2009 You're Not So Uncatchable Now, Are You?: Anatomy Of A Gingerbread Man

Jason Freeny, the man behind all the other weird anatomy studies we've featured (and possibly a med school dropout), is back at it, this time with a gingerbread man. Which reminds me: one Christmas my mom made a batch of gingerbread cookies before dinner and said I could only have one or I'd spoil my supper. Well, long story short, I ate like fifteen and got so sick I puked under the Christmas tree. I blamed it all on the dogs. You know what -- it feels good to finally tell somebody. I've been meaning to get this off my chest ever since it happened. 2008 was a bad Christmas for the Geekologie Writer.

Moist Production

Thanks to Jason, the man behind the scalpel.

Jul 6 2009 Cartoons The Way They Should Have Been

James Cauty created a work entitled Splatter that features the cartoons from your childhood (or mine at least) the way they should have been: bloody (two blood posts in a row -- body fluids FTW!).

Pop artist James Cauty's work Splatter repurposes classic Warner Bros. and Hanna-Barbera cartoons and gives them a Sin City-style blood spatter makeover, "presenting the viewer with unrelenting acts of bloody, cartoon violence, which, in cartoon law, ultimately cannot cause fatal injury."

Great, this is just great. Like we don't have enough problems with today's youth already. Namely: spelling. Seriously, they can't do it -- and I, for one, blame texting. And Grand Theft Auto.

Hit the jump for a couple more shots and a video of the violence in progress. Then punch your roommate in the face and blame it on the cartoon.

Continue Reading " Cartoons The Way They Should Have Been "

Jul 6 2009 Gruesome: Billboards Bleed When It Rains

An ad agency in New Zealand made a series of billboards that remind drivers to slow down and "drive to the conditions" during the rainy season. The billboards, which feature a young person's face, start bleeding whenever it rains.

"The advertising agency that came up with the sign says the goal was to reduce the road toll by creating maximum awareness through unease."

Unease is right, I can barely look at my monitor, let alone the road. HOLY SHIT I'M DRIVING.

Bleeding Billboard [buzzfeed]

Thanks to towhee, who just pulls over and makes out whenever it rains. Oooh la la.