Oct 15 2009 Uh-Oh: Chinese Scientists Create Black Hole

Two scientists in China have developed an electromagnetic black hole capable of sucking in and trapping microwaves (not my Kid's Cuisine!). Next stop: trapping visible light.

The device, which works at microwave frequencies, may soon be extended to trap visible light, leading to an entirely new way of harvesting solar energy to generate electricity.

A theoretical design for a table-top black hole to trap light was proposed in a paper published earlier this year by Evgenii Narimanov and Alexander Kildishev of Purdue University in West Lafayette, Indiana. Their idea was to mimic the properties of a cosmological black hole, whose intense gravity bends the surrounding space-time, causing any nearby matter or radiation to follow the warped space-time and spiral inwards.

Now Tie Jun Cui and Qiang Cheng at the Southeast University in Nanjing, China, have turned Narimanov and Kildishev's theory into practice, and built a "black hole" for microwave frequencies. It is made of 60 annular strips of so-called "meta-materials", which have previously been used to make invisibility cloaks.

You can hit the link to read how the black hole actually works, but that's not what's important. What's important is that it DOES work, and we're all doomed. And here I thought my stomach was the only black hole on earth. Don't believe me? Somebody toss a cheeseburger in the air. Did you see that? Works for hot dogs too. Haha, nice try buddy -- you keep those pants zipped.

First black hole for light created on Earth [newscientist]

Thanks to Equalizer and Chris, who have both lost spaceships to black holes before.

Jul 9 2009 Just When You Thought We Were Safe: LHC

That's right folks, the people over at CERN are getting ready to fire the Large Hadron Collider back up this fall. And, well, it's been nice knowing you. Most of you anyways. Okay, just a few of you. Kidding, I love you all. GIMME KISSIES!

To that end, CERN gave the LHC's massive network a thorough stress test at the end of last month. The Collider sent out data to 11 computer centers across Europe, Asia, and North America, which in turn relayed the data to 140 locations in 33 countries to be crunched. A whopping 4 GB a second was cranked out from the LHC, though researchers predict that, while operating, the LHC will only send out around 1.3 GB of data. In other words, the Large Hadron Collider's network should be good to go.

If all goes well, we should hear more about the LHC in the near future, as it ramps up for it's firing in October.

You know, this reminds me of the time when I was a kid that I was so afraid there was a monster in my closet that I couldn't fall asleep. And then, exhausted, I finally passed out only to be abducted by aliens and viciously probed. Yeah, this is just like that.

Large Hadron Collider completes massive stress test [dvice]

Thanks, or should I say no thanks, to Retroprofile, who keeps his Facebook page oldschool.

May 15 2009 Universe's Largest Black Hole Discovered

Allegedly astronomers have discovered the universe's most massive black hole. How massive? Think my ex-wife's gaping pie-hole times three.

Whatever gave birth to this monster can be real proud. The biggest black hole in the universe weighs in with a respectable mass of 18 billion Suns, and is about the size of an entire galaxy.

The biggest black hole beats out its nearest competitor by six times. Fortunately, it's 3.5 billion light years away, forming the heart of a quasar called OJ287.

So, what does this mean for us? WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! Quick, everybody, foil helmets, foil helmets! *click* Haha, you all looked so stupid.

18 Billion Suns -Biggest Black Hole in Universe Discovered--and it's BIG! A Galaxy Classic [dailygalaxy]

Thanks to interstellar vacuum salesman, who could sell that black hole a stairs attachment even if it doesn't have any.

Apr 20 2009 Stephen Hawking Battling Infection, 'Very Ill'

Stephen Hawking, genius extraordinaire and a personal hero of mine (I heard he once piloted his wheelchair through a blackhole unscathed), has been hospitalized and is reportedly "very ill".

[Cambridge University] said Hawking has been fighting a chest infection for several weeks, and was being treated at Addenbrooke's Hospital in Cambridge, the university city north of London.

"Professor Hawking is very ill," said Gregory Hayman, the university's head of communications. "He is undergoing tests. He has been unwell for a couple of weeks."

Geekologie wishes Stephen a speedy recovery. No, a lightspeedy recovery. Get well soon, Dr. Hawking.

Stephen Hawking hospitalized, reported very ill [yahoonews]

Feb 10 2009 Large Hadron Collider Still Not Colliding

Apparently now that the LHC has Google doing its bidding, it's taking it easy and won't become operational anytime soon. Unless September is considered soon, in which case, shit, I won't live to see the finale of LOST.

The Large Hadron Collider could be switched back on in September - a year after it shut down due to a malfunction and several months later than expected.

An investigation into the LHC's problems concluded the initial malfunction was caused by a faulty electrical connection between two of the accelerator's magnets. Cern had also said new protection systems would be added as part of £14m repairs.

It blamed the shutdown on the failure of a single, badly soldered electrical connection in one of its super-cooled magnet sections.

I applaud you, nameless faulty solderer. I just hope you and the other saboteurs have something planned for September, lest we all get sucked into a worm hole and wind up in some alien's petting zoo. Which, I think we can all agree, would -- wait, you think they have dinosaurs?

Hadron Collider relaunch delayed [bbcnews]

Thanks to Richie-Con-Carne, who tastes delicious with Sriracha hot sauce.

Dec 1 2008 Large Hadron Collider May Never Start Again

Well, that's a lie. Actually, no it's not. *brandishing crowbar* At least not if I have something say about it! Anyway, the LHC, which was thought to only be down until the spring, may not kill us all until late 2009, or even 2010. We're saved (but still be wary of terrorists)!

According to spokesperson James Gillies, the complicated repairs can be simplified into modest Plan A and Plan B approach.

Plan A is a quick and dirty fix, getting the particle accelerator online as quickly as possible (late summer 2009) at the cost of operating at lower power. In this scenario, 3 of 8 pressure relief-system segments are replaced (only the broken ones) with the other 5 getting upgraded at unsaid maintenance dates in the future.

Plan B is the more extensive but also more delayed approach, requiring the complete redesign and replacement of the LHC's entire pressure-relief system. Under this scenario, the LHC wouldn't go online until 2010 at the earliest, though at that time the system could operate at full power.

Well, looks like we're gonna have to find another way to destroy the planet in the meantime. Any ideas? I'm thinking good old fashioned CFCs. Or, alternatively, whip-its. Just remember: stop before the whipcream comes out. You squirt it, you buy it -- grocery store policy.

LHC Might Not Be Back Online Until 2010 or Later [gizmodo]

Thanks to Harrison, who promises to help me break into CERN and rollerskate around in the hallways.

Oct 14 2008 Blacker Than Black: The Darkest Material

Researchers have recently made a material so dark it absorbs 99.9% of light, the closest yet to a "pure" black.

The substance has a total reflective index of 0.045 percent -- which is more than three times darker than the nickel-phosphorous alloy that now holds the record as the world's darkest material.

Basic black paint, by comparison, has a reflective index of 5 percent to 10 percent.

Ninjas and emos rejoice!

New material pushes the boundary of blackness [reuters]

Thanks to bob, who wrote the joke so I didn't have to. Check's in the mail!

Sep 18 2008 Large Hadron Collider Gets New Name

The Royal Society of Chemistry in London recently held a contest to rename the Large Hadron Collider. The votes are in, and the doomsday machine's new name is *drumroll please*....Halo!

After sifting more than 2,500 responses, ranging from The Big Banger to Infinite Devil Machine and The Matter Splatterer, it has now selected a winner to rechristen the vast enterprise.

"Halo conjures visions of radiant beauty, power and wisdom. The circle of light reflects the collider's form; it is a crowning achievement of science and engineering. It also gives more than a nod to the experiment's importance to religious debate."

Visions of radiant beauty, power and wisdom? I get it -- like Master Chief, right?

Large Hadron Collider: Public chooses 'Halo' as its new name [telegraph]

Thanks to Kevo and Mikeeeeeeeeeeeee, both of whom swear they voted for the much catchier 'Oh Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck'

Sep 12 2008 I Want: A Skull Shaped Deprivation Chamber

The Sensory Deprivation Skull is a little room you climb into when your wife won't stop nagging you about "cutting the grass" and "getting a job". It effectively blocks out light and wife-banter and will eventually make you go crazy and possibly even masturbate to vivid hallucinations of Smurfette. Needless to say, I want one pretty bad. But if you're looking for the ultimate in sensory deprivation, I recommend you tie a black garbage bag over your head. You won't sense a thing....ever!

Note: Please nobody do that. I can't deal with another death on my conscience.

Hit it for one more picture of a sexy little lady crawling around inside your skull.

Continue Reading " I Want: A Skull Shaped Deprivation Chamber "

Sep 12 2008 Live Large Hadron Collider Webcams

This is a snapshot from one of the webcams positioned on the Large hadron Collider. Hit this link to view them, there's been a bunch of bustling around the past few days and I think I saw a guy trip and fall down the stairs on the left. Definitely worth checking out. And also, a book from the library. Get your read on, bitches!

Hit it for one more shot, but view the cams first for some hot and steamy live action.

Continue Reading " Live Large Hadron Collider Webcams "

Sep 10 2008 Large Hadron Collider Successfully Tested, Hasn't Destroyed Earth...Yet. Also, Stephen Hawking Chimes In On The Higgs Boson

CERN's Large Hadron Collider went online yesterday and completed it's first major test.

The world's largest particle collider passed its first major tests by firing two beams of protons in opposite directions around a 17-mile (27-kilometer) underground ring Wednesday in what scientists hope is the next great step to understanding the makeup of the universe.

Eventually two beams will be fired at the same time in opposite directions with the aim of recreating conditions a split second after the big bang, which scientists theorize was the massive explosion that created the universe.

We're doomed. And related news, Stephen Hawking is betting against the machine discovering the Higgs boson, aka "God's particle", a particle "believed to give mass to all other particles, and thus to matter that makes up the universe."

"I think it will be much more exciting if we don't find the Higgs. That will show something is wrong, and we need to think again. I have a bet of 100 dollars that we won't find the Higgs," added Hawking, "and another 100 that we all freaking die. AAAAHH!"

Massive particle collider passes first key tests [yahoo]
and
Hawking bets CERN mega-machine won't find 'God's Particle" [yahoo]
and
Has the Large Hadron Collider destroyed the earth yet? (definitely check it out)

Thanks Amanda and Pat -- but don't worry, we'll be safe under my bed.

Aug 27 2008 This Is What Happens...

When the CERN Large Hadron Collider starts crashing particles into shit next month. I can hardly wait!

Hit the jump for a highly questionable (yet informative) video of some chick singing a rap song about the collider.

Continue Reading " This Is What Happens... "

Apr 24 2008 Forget Time Travel, Now We're All Gonna Die

Remember the two Russians that were convinced the CERN Large Hadron Collider would tear a hole in the fabric of time so we can all travel to the future and ride hoverboards or the past and have sex with dinosaurs? Well now there are two gentlemen fighting a legal battle in Hawaii to prevent CERN from ever colliding anything. Why? They're convinced it'll open a black hole bigger than my girlfriend's gaping pie-hole, swallowing the earth -- and possibly the whole galaxy! My oh my.

Walter Wagner and Luis Sancho contend that scientists at the European Center for Nuclear Research, or CERN, have played down the chances that the collider could produce, among other horrors, a tiny black hole, which, they say, could eat the Earth. Or it could spit out something called a "strangelet" that would convert our planet to a shrunken dense dead lump of something called "strange matter." Their suit also says CERN has failed to provide an environmental impact statement as required under the U.S. National Environmental Policy Act.

Wow guys, way to be a bunch of weenies. You two never blew things up when you were kids did you? You know, you could learn a thing or two from Everett about living on the edge. I say f*** it -- if the thing creates a black hole and turns us into a shit-like lump of dead matter, we won't even be around to notice anyway. Screw it. Besides, I'm really banking on the whole time travel thing. Which is why I volunteered to have the particles collided with my face. If there's anybody who's gonna the be first to ride a tyrannosaurus rex while shooting at other dinosaurs with a giant laser beam, it's this guy. That's right baby, real life Dino-Riders! Now who's with me?

Try this headline: Black Hole Eats Earth [intl'heraldtribune]

Thanks to Kiyoshi, the only one who can stop the world from ending, for the tip

Feb 21 2008 Canadian Sells Governance Of M-81 Galaxy

Some Canadian on eBay is selling the rights to become "the rightful governor and overlord of Galaxy M81". Key features of the galaxy include an 11.6 million light-year distance from earth, a whole freaking shit-ton of stars, and a sweet black hole of 70 million solar masses in the center. While I'm all about ruling galaxies, I find the eBay auction a little questionable. For starters the person has 0 feedback, and secondly they mistakenly call Ursa Major (the Great Bear) the Big Dipper. While the Dipper is included in the Bear, it's not the location of the galaxy. Now I'm not saying that I'm not going to buy it, I just want to make sure I get my galaxy's worth before dropping the $1 opening bid and $14 shipping. Oh dang there's a notice.

Notice:

* the (possible) inhabitants of galaxy M81 have not consented to being sold or governed. This would make you a certified galactic dictator!
* Seller offers no guarantees that the name you choose will be recognized by the scientific community.
* Photo is 12 million years outdated due to speed of light limitations.
* the total value of this sale is in the framed certificate.

Damnit, so much for the Geekologie Galaxy.

UPDATE: I can't believe you people are actually bidding on this thing. That said, I just made my $1 million bid. Suckers!

eBay Auction

Thanks to Tyson, who already has his hands full ruling this galaxy, for the tip