Nov 14 2009
The Million Dollar Man With The Bionic Ass
Ged Gavin, 55, has a bionic ass and doesn't care who knows. Which is good because I definitely just texted everyone in my phone. And by texted I mean sexted. All the kids are doing it. What? Yes I'd jump off a bridge!
Mr Galvin suffered massive internal injuries and had to be fitted with a colostomy bag until surgeons at the Royal London Hospital could perform the complex operation to rebuild his bottom.
The medical team took a muscle from above his knee, wrapped it around his sphincter, and then attached electrodes to the nerves.These are now operated by a palm-sized remote control that he carries in his pocket.
"They call me the man with the bionic bottom, but that doesn't bother me. My gratitude to the surgeons is endless because what they have done is a miracle."
Colostomy bag or a bionic ass, that's a tough call. I'd probably opt for a bullet in my head. Kidding, suicide is never the answer. Unless you're my ex-wife, in which case it totally is.
Man uses remote to control his 'bionic bottom' [telegraph]
Thanks to Ross, who uses a remote control to chew but is starving because he lost the thing in a couch.
Jul 22 2008 Wait, What?: SAS Dogs Trained To Parachute
Allegedly, German Shepherds are being trained to jump from planes at 25,000 feet strapped to SAS soldiers. The dogs will soon be deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan, where they will serve as reconnaissance shepherds.
With tiny cameras fixed to their heads, the animals will be sent in before their human partners to hunt for Taliban or insurgent hideouts. The cameras will beam live images back to the troops as the dogs penetrate behind enemy lines and warn of ambushes.According to The Sun, the dogs will be trained to accompany soldiers on what are called 'High Altitude High Opening' parachute jumps, after which they may have to travel 20 miles to their targets.
Apparently dogs have been trained to jump out of airplanes since World War II, when German Shepherds were used to infiltrate the German ranks and poison high ranking officials. Okay, I made that up (minus the parachuting). Still, somebody should make a movie about it. But I have a question. Why does that dog in the picture have a bionic mouth? And why is that guy pointing his gun at its head? Calm down bro, so it ate your boot -- that's what dogs do. And also, hump the cat and shit on the sofa. Right?
German Shepherds trained to parachute with SAS troops [telegraph]
Thanks Pat, now imagine if they did the same thing with mice. Stuart Little parachuting in behind enemy lines and then sneaking around and shit and talking in that little cute voice of his. That'd be great. Oh, another blockbuster movie idea.
Jun 9 2008 UPDATE: Eagle Gets Bionic Beak Story
Remember the bald eagle whose beak was shot off by some asshole poacher? Well she's finally rocking a bionic replacement, albeit temporary. "The new beak is only a temporary fix, designed to nail down precise measurements." That's a real picture of it there. Beauty (the eagle) needed the fake beak in order to grasp food and not require hand-feeding.
"She's got a grill," joked Nate Calvin, the Boise engineer who spent 200 hours designing the complex beak.
HAHAHAHA! A grill! A bird with a grill, that's priceless. *wipes tear* God, you should do standup.
Seriously though Nate, my hat's off to you and everyone else volunteering their time and expertise. You've all done a great job and made me hate people a little less.
Eagle wounded by poacher gets new beak [msnbc]
Thanks for keeping me up to date Matt, now lets go find that poacher
May 5 2008 Bald Eagle To Receive Bionic Beak
Beauty is a 7-year old Alaskan bald eagle whose upper beak was shot off by some stupid asshole. Unable to hunt or drink effectively, she was slowly starving to death while scrounging for food in an Alaskan landfill. Finally discovered, she was taken to a bird recovery center in Anchorage and hand-fed for two years with the hope that her beak would regrow. It never did. About to be euthanized, she was taken to Jane Fink Cantwell's Birds of Prey Ranch in Idaho as a last ditch effort. There, somebody came up with the idea of creating a bionic beak for the bird. Mechanical engineers, dentists, veterinarians, and other experts all volunteered their time to help the bird, and the beak is about to be attached.
Molds were made of the existing beak parts and scanned into a computer, so the bionic beak could be created as accurately as possible. The nylon-composite beak is light and durable, and will be glued onto the eagle.
Still able to breed, it is hoped that Beauty will one day get banged by a male eagle in midair and have babies. Truly heartwarming.
Oh, and I don't actually know if the beak will have a little antennae or make beepity boopity noises, but when you hear the word "bionic", you just have to assume.
A really sad picture of what the beak looks like sans bionic Photoshopping, after the jump.
