Nov 18 2009 Why Don't House Cats Grow Into Lions?

This is a clever answer to a query posed in Yahoo! Answers. You can't argue the answerer didn't give them exactly what they asked for, even if it's not what they wanted. Because, let's face it, a lot of people don't even know what they want. I'm looking at you, Mrs.Takes 8 Minutes To Order at the Taco Bell Drive Thru. Next time I'm ramming!

Picture

Thanks to TARDISlover, who likes it bigger on the inside.

Sep 22 2009 Mad Scientist: We'll All Be Immortal Cyborgs In 20 Years. GW: In 19 Years I'm Offing Myself

Some crazy-ass jive talking nutjob (61-year old scientist, Ray Kurzweil) is convinced we'll have the technological capabilities and biological know-how to all be loveless immortal cyborgs within 20 years time. Uh-oh.

He says theoretically, at the rate our understanding is increasing, nanotechnologies capable of replacing many of our vital organs could be available in 20 years time.

Mr Kurzweil calls his theory the Law of Accelerating Returns. Writing in The Sun, Mr Kurzweil said: "I and many other scientists now believe that in around 20 years we will have the means to reprogramme our bodies' stone-age software so we can halt, then reverse, ageing. Then nanotechnology will let us live for ever.

"If we want to go into virtual-reality mode, nanobots will shut down brain signals and take us wherever we want to go. Virtual sex will become commonplace. And in our daily lives, hologram like figures will pop in our brain to explain what is happening.

First of all, The Sun is not an accredited scientific journal. And secondly, I prefer real sex to virtual reality any day. Trust me, it's not all that (I once tried making out with the television but she only shocked my tongue).

Immortality only 20 years away says scientist [telegraph]

Thanks to greenman and mystrb, who are already gonna live forever through their written words (in bathroom stalls).

Aug 18 2009 I See You, Little Stuff!: A USB Microscope

Hey guys I'm getting kicked out my hotel (which is fine because it's a shithole and caught fire yesterday) so I have to relocate. I'll be back this afternoon with more posts though, I promise. In the meantime, here's a $130 USB powered microscope.

This week e-Supply Japan announced the EEA-MAN1011, an digital USB microscope to use with a PC. It's powered by a 2Mpix censor manufactured in by Sanyo Japan with a 5x to 150x zoom.

Oh man, I want one. Remember the first time you ever looked at something under a microscope? What was it? Mine was a scab. And no, I didn't eat it afterwards. It's not eating if you swallow something whole!

e-Supply Japan's New USB Microscope [akihabaranews]

Thanks to naas, who once looked at a fingernail clipping under a microscope and never bit his nails again.

Jul 17 2009 WTF Is That!?: 12-Mile Biological Goo In Arctic

A 12-mile long trail of unknown biological goo has been spotted off the coast of Alaska. Personally, it looks like robot love-oil to me (don't ask how I know). *ahem* I'm looking at you, Optimus.

"It's certainly biological," Hasenauer said. "It's definitely not an oil product of any kind. It has no characteristics of an oil, or a hazardous substance, for that matter.

"It's definitely, by the smell and the makeup of it, it's some sort of naturally occurring organic or otherwise marine organism."

"It's pitch black when it hits ice and it kind of discolors the ice and hangs off of it," Brower said. He saw some jellyfish tangled up in the stuff, and someone turned in what was left of a dead goose -- just bones and feathers -- to the borough's wildlife department.

ZOMG, it's the North Carolina sewer mutant's illegitimate older cousin! Now I'm not saying I want to deep fry some and include it in my Octo-taco-pancrepe-pizza, because I don't. But I would smear some all over your body and lick it off. God, am I romantic or what?

Hit the jump for a picture of a bucketful of the gunk.

Continue Reading " WTF Is That!?: 12-Mile Biological Goo In Arctic "

Jul 1 2009 Like I Don't Have Enough To Worry About: Mega Ant Colony Is Taking Over The World

Ant colonies, like rabbits, are cuddly prolific. So prolific, in fact, scientists have just discovered a single interrelated colony of Argentine ants that has populated much of the globe. ATTAAACK!

The colony may be the largest of its type ever known for any insect species, and could rival humans in the scale of its world domination.

While ants are usually highly territorial, those living within each super-colony are tolerant of one another, even if they live tens or hundreds of kilometres apart. Each super-colony, however, was thought to be quite distinct.

But it now appears that billions of Argentine ants around the world all actually belong to one single global mega-colony.

So they're all relatives. But way more so than say, you and I are. So....it's cool if I touch your butt, right? I mean it's not like we're ants or anything.

Ant mega-colony takes over world [bbcnews]

Thanks to Alistair and 2MechanicalArms, who may or may not have fire ants in their pants. They do, I put them there.

Jun 27 2009 First Image Of A New Memory Being Formed

Allegedly, this is the first image captured of a new memory being formed on the cellular level. If your brain were dinner, new memories would be the glowing noodle appetizer.

The image shows that proteins are created at connections between brain cells when a long-term memory is formed. Neuroscientists had suspected as much, but hadn't been able to see it happening until now.

Scientists still want to understand more about how our brains translate memories made on the go into long-term storage. Since synapses are connections between cells, experts think that fortifying these connections, or perhaps even making new ones, helps our minds associate different ideas and form memories of connected events.

Speaking of memories, you remember the time we snuck off and made out in that house that was being built? Yeah, that was really, um -- that wasn't you, was it? Oh synapse!

First Image of a Memory Being Made [livescience]

Jun 22 2009 Yikes: Sharks Hunt Like Human Serial Killers

A recent study conducted by a group that I can't believe received funding for the project has determined that great white sharks hunt like human serial killers. Get a load of this freakishness:

The sharks feeding at Seal Island could have just hovered right where the seals congregated if they were random killers-of-opportunity, Hammerschlag said. But they weren't.

The sharks had a distinct M.O.

They were focused. They stalked from a usual base of operations, 100 yards from their victims. It was close enough to see their prey, but not close enough to be seen and scare off their victims. They attacked when the lights were low. They liked their victims young and alone. They tried to attack when no other sharks were around to compete. They learned from previous kills.

And they attacked from below, unseen.

Okay now I'm a little creeped out. And not just because there's a great white peeking through my bedroom wind....ZOMG THERE'S A GREAT WHITE PEEKI *glass shatters* OM NOM NOM NOM HOLY SHIT HE'S EATING MY FOOT! OH GOD HELP -- IT'S UP TO MY KNEE! OH NO, OH NO HE'S GOING FOR MY PENI....oh, choked to death.

Great white sharks hunt just like Hannibal Lecter [yahoonews]

Apr 27 2009 It's Scientific: Bacon Cures Hangovers

In a study that surprises nobody who's woken up still Tyrannosaurus Wrecked from the night before in a puddle of someone else's urine and eaten the breakfast of gods, scientists have discovered bacon really does cure a hangover.

"Bread is high in carbohydrates and bacon is full of protein, which breaks down into amino acids. Your body needs these amino acids, so eating them will make you feel good."

"Bingeing on alcohol depletes neurotransmitters too, but bacon contains a high level of aminos which tops these up, giving you a clearer head."

Researchers also found a complex chemical interaction in the cooking of bacon produces the winning combination of taste and smell which is almost irresistible.

As a matter of fact, I remember reading somewhere in the Bible that the Apostles would all fry camel (a close relative of the pig, don't bother looking this up) after a night of boozing. So, yeah -- bacon: it's what Jesus would do.

Also, that's me in the picture.

Bacon sandwich really does cure a hangover [telegraph]

Thanks to The Baconator, Kevin, Rick, Cam, Duffman, Jonathan and Barry, who know the best way to cure a hangover is to start drinking again.

Apr 14 2009 Worth $500K?: The Human Regenerator

The Human Regenerator is a $553,400 piece of monkey shit that's supposed to make you live longer or something. Personally, I think it looks suspiciously like Superman's tanning bed of solitude.

The Human Regenerator is a Quantum-Pulse-Device that imitates and generates the cellular body's natural frequencies ranging between 0.0005 and 38,000 Hz.

Through intensive treatment with the body's own healthy frequencies, the organism is regenerated in a natural way. This process is enhanced by specially treated silicium and aluminum depots, which with the help of right spinning protos have an anti-aging effect.

Furthermore, longitudinal waves are used as a filter to create more human-like waves, therefore adding pure positive energy to the body.

Very convincing technology there. Unfortunately, only 50 of the devices are being made, and "will be offered to a small circle of prominent figures of our time." But if you showed up with $500K, I guarantee you could get one. And also, maybe some hooker action. Which, let's be realistic, will do a lot more for you than Quatum-Cell-Coding ever will -- provided you wrap it up. Otherwise, cooties bro.

Product Website

Thanks to Mushishi, who's also selling a cellular regenerator that looks suspiciously like a microwave oven with no door.

Apr 14 2009 Gross!: Man Grows Small Fir Tree In Lung

Apparently some guy was huffing pinecones when he accidentally snorted a bud into his lungs, where it grew into a little tree. Please note: man was not actually snorting pinecones, I just made that up for the sake of providing you with the highest quality investigative journalism. Also, I don't know know if you could tell or not, but I made that graphic using Photoshop. Elite skills: I'm full of them. But hopefully, not evergreens.

Artyom Sidorkin, came to a hospital in the city of Izhevsk in Central Russia last week, complaining that he was experiencing chest pain and coughing up blood.

After submitting to an X-ray the doctors saw a lump in the patient's lung. After a biopsying the lump the doctors pulled out a 5 centimeter fir tree branch out of his lung, complete with needles.

Sick! At least he didn't swallow it though. Because one time I swallowed a pumpkin seed and then several months later pissed a jack-o-lantern, complete with cut-out face and candle. Boy did I feel 8 pounds lighter!

Hit the jump for a graphic shot of the tree and partial lung after removal. NOT recommended for lunch viewing.

Continue Reading " Gross!: Man Grows Small Fir Tree In Lung "

Apr 8 2009 Smart: Chimps Exchange Meat For Sex

In a move that proves that chimps have created a much awesomer society than we have, researchers have discovered that males will trade meat to females in return for regular sexy times. And apparently the NOMs for PEWs exchange program is completely legit in their advanced legal system!

This is a long-term exchange, so males continue to share their catch with females when they are not fertile, copulating with them when they are.

"What's amazing is that if a male shares with a particular female, he doubles the number of times he copulates with her, which is likely to increase the probability of fertilising that female."

Yow yow! Is all this Animal Planet talk making anyone else in here steamy? I swear, meat for sex, that's even better than a handful of $20's! Now, where can I rent a monkey suit this far from Halloween? Also, hot wings. I'm gonna need hot wings.

Chimpanzees exchange meat for sex [bbcnews]

Thanks to Ross, who wants to come in the next life as a chimp.

Mar 31 2009 Ooh, Scienc-y: Video Of AIDS Spreading

No, it's not unprotected sex, it's a video showing how an infected AIDS cell spreads the disease to other, healthy cells. It's the first time the process has ever been caught on video, and scientists hope the information will help in the search for a cure.

The study was made possible after experts created a molecular clone of infectious HIV and inserted a protein into its genetic code which glows green when exposed to blue light.

They noted that when an infected cell came into contact with a healthy one, a bridge was created between them, called a virological synapse.

"We should be developing vaccines that help the immune system recognise proteins involved in virological synapse formation and antiviral drugs that target the factors required for synapse formation."

Hey, whatever helps find a cure. I can't wait till we wipe out all these STDs and then the only thing you have to get worry about is getting a girl pregnant. Which, at least for me, is no concern -- I have a laptop on my balls 10 hours a day!

Scientists film HIV spreading for first time [telegraph]

Thanks to Joemo, who once got a whole women's volleyball team pregnant just by attending a game.

Mar 11 2009 First Look At Bioshock 2's Big Sisters

I dunno, it kind of looks like the lovechild of Altair from Assassin's Creed and a steampunk G.L.A.D.O.S. from Portal. Which, I think we can all agree, makes for one hell of a sexy enemy! *wolf whistle* Hey Big Sis, come get some of this! Haha, I know that sounded wrong but I'm not taking it back.

First Image of BioShock 2's Big Sister [kotaku]

Thanks to Julian and junkyard dog, who find both find the Big Sisters even more attractive than I do, which makes them both sick in the head.

Feb 24 2009 I See Your Brain: Fish Has See-Through Head

The barreleye (Macropinna microstoma for you ichthyologists) is a deepwater fish that has a see-through, fluid filled head in which it moves its eyeballs. And that, dear reader, is freaking awesome.

Barreleyes, just a few inches long, are thought to eat small fishes and jellyfish. The green pigments in their eyes may filter out sunlight coming directly from the sea surface, helping the barreleye spot the bioluminescent glow of jellies or other animals directly overhead. When it spots prey (such as a drifting jelly), a barreleye rotates its eyes forward and swims upward, in feeding mode.

What a freak! Reminds me of a girl I used to date that had a wandering eye. My God that turned me on. When she was looking at you it was like she was looking through you. Well, with her good eye anyways, the other was always wandering over your shoulder. Damn I miss that eye.

Strange Fish Has See-Through Head [aolnews]

Thanks to Pat, who has eyes in the back of his head that he can't use because he needs a haircut.

Feb 7 2009 Doctoral Student Furious After University Throws Out His Collection Of Lizard Dung

Typically, you don't want bags of crap hanging around for too long. But not Daniel Bennett -- he loves that shit! Now he's furious that Leeds University custodians threw away part of his doctoral work -- a 77lb bag of Butaan Lizard dung it took him 7 years to collect.

"Whether it was the largest collection of lizard shit in the world is uncertain, but it certainly contained the only dietary sample from that little-known species Varanus olivaceus, and probably the most complete dietary record of any single population of animals in South East Asia. Its loss left me reeling and altered the course of my life forever."

First of all, Daniel, I don't think "shit" is the proper scientific nomenclature. And secondly, if losing a bag of crap can alter the course of your life forever, well, it's time you take a long, hard look at your life anyways. Just saying, tons of birdshit on my car.

University apologises for lizard dung clear-out [wigantoday]

Thanks to RyanThePerson, who is an actual human and not just shit stacked that high.

Jan 20 2009 Cows With Holes Directly To Their Stomachs

And I'm not talking about their mouths either! Or assholes. I'm talking hole holes, like, holy shit(!), that cow has a freaking hole in it!

These cows have been given a fistula, a hole directly into the stomach that scientists can reach into and study to see how certain foods get digested. Through this kind of work, better food can be concocted and studies into stomach cancer and other problems can be conducted. Although it looks inhumane, the cows don't seem to mind.

*HORF* You know, now that I think about it, I think they had a cow like this at Virginia Tech when I was there. Of course, I never saw it because I wasn't allowed anywhere near the animal husbandry department. Funny story -- did you know sheep can file restraining orders?

Hit the jump for some even more disturbing imagery.

Continue Reading " Cows With Holes Directly To Their Stomachs "

Jan 5 2009 Little Jellyfish Cheats Death, Death Is Pissed

So apparently there's this little jellyfish creature (Turritopsis nutricula, a form of hydrozoa) that doesn't ever die. Biology is beyond me, so I'll let somebody else do the talking while I make a sandwich have a sandwich made for me.

What these little folks do is they revert completely to a sexually immature, colonial stage after they reach sexual maturity. They're even cooler than that. When they're young they've got only several tentacles, but at a mature stage, they get to 80-90 of them.

They're able to return to polyp stage due to a cell change in the external screen (Exumbrella), which allows them to bypass death. As far as scientists have been able to find out, this change renders the hydrozoa virtually immortal.

Did that make any sense? I didnt' bother reading it, but I think it had something to do with being able to regenerate your arm like a starfish. *sawing through bone*

UPDATE: Um, so does anybody have the number for Luke Skywalker's doctor?

Meet the world's only immortal animal [zmescience]

Thanks to Emile, who only wants to live long enough to see a hovercar.

Nov 21 2008 Kitty Born With Two Faces Is Cute, Meow-y

A kitten was born in Australia on Wednesday with two faces. It is super cute and made me wish all pets had more faces. But then I realized how expensive it would be to feed all those extra faces, and decided it wasn't so awesome afer all.

The two-faced feline was one of three in a litter and appears to be doing well.

It hasn't got a name yet, but the owner is thinking of calling it Quasi Modo, according to local news Web site inmycommunity.com.au.

Yeah, Quasi Modo, that won't f*** it up for life. You might as well saw off a couple legs and name it Cripples.

A closeup after the jump.

Continue Reading " Kitty Born With Two Faces Is Cute, Meow-y "

Nov 19 2008 Furbies Not Extinct After All, Still Delicious

Pygmy Tarsiers, now to be referred to only by their scientific name Uglyas Shite, were once thought to be extinct. Well think again!

Pygmy tarsiers rank among the rarest of the many tarsier species in Asia and the Pacific -- and in fact some primatologists had written them off as extinct.

They have the distinctive, big-eyed look often associated with Furbys, gremlin-like talking toys that were popular in the late 1990s. Compared with the robotic Furbys, however, the real animals' dimensions are seriously downsized: They typically measure less than 4 inches (105 mm) from head to tail, with most of that length being tail. They weigh less than 2 ounces. And unlike Furbys, they hardly ever vocalize.

That thing does not look like a Furby. It looks like an alien with hair. And miniature human hands. ;) Can I get an amen? Anybody? Okay, how about a high five? Geez, what's with you people today? Well how about one of you club me in the back of the head and th

UPDATE: Ugh, my brain feels mushy. How long was I out for? Thanks a lot whoever you were, I should have known somebody would jump at the chance to brain the poor Geekologie Writer. Oh -- and who said anything about teabagging? I taste hair.

Real-life Furbys rediscovered [msnbc]

Thanks to Furbalicious, Chris, Kathryn, and Kevin, who, for the tips, each receive a coupon for a free pygmy tarsier. Try them with BBQ!

Oct 15 2008 Virgin Shark Produced Shark Kitten

A female blacktip shark at the Virginia Aquarium & Marione Science Center recently passed away, and, upon necropsy, was discovered to be with shark puppy -- despite no male sharks being present for 8 years!

Virgin birth has been proven in some bony fish, amphibians, reptiles and birds, and has been suspected among sharks in the wild. The scientists who studied the Virginia and Nebraska sharks said the newly formed pups acquired one set of chromosomes when the mother's chromosomes split during egg development, then united anew.

Absent the chromosomes present in the male sperm, the offspring of an asexual conception have reduced genetic diversity and, the scientists said, may be at a disadvantage for surviving in the wild. A pup, for instance, can be more susceptible to congenital disorders and diseases.

Proof positive that when a woman wants to get pregnant -- no matter how often you dunk your balls in hot coffee -- she's gonna do it.

Scientists confirm shark's 'virgin birth' [msnbc]

Thanks to Heather and Abe, who both claim there was a dinosaur in Jurassic park that did the same thing. But they're wrong -- it was me!