Aug 18 2008 Man Humps Steel Bench, Almost Loses Junk

I have no idea what some of you tipsters' obsession is with guys getting their junk stuck in things, but it's borderline disturbing (just kidding, it's totally rad). But here goes: Xing, a 41-year old man, was wandering through LanTian park in Hong Kong late one night when he thought to himself, "I should stick my penis in a steel park bench, you know, for the Olympics." And that's what he did. Unfortunately, mid-coitus Xing realized he was stuck and called the police using his cell phone.

When police arrived, Xing was moaning in pain and stuck face down to the bench. They tried several penis-liberating options (including taking blood) before sawing the entire bench off and taking it to the hospital. 4 hours later Xing had his penis back, sans giant metal bench attachment. Good thing too, because doctors said one hour longer and they would have chopped his member off. Oh man, this reminds me of the time I made love to a hole in a tree during a camping trip. Hello woodpecker nest! Seriously, I pee out the side of my penis now.

Hit the jump for two more pictures of Xing and a video news report. Warning: lots of painful moaning. Lots. A lot, a lot. Tons. Never heard so much painful moaning. Also, added another link to a story about a guy that had sex with the umbrella hole of his picnic table so often that his neighbor finally filmed it and called the police. You're welcome.

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Feb 4 2008 The Rolling Bench Keeps Your Pants Dry

A lot of people don't like getting their butt wet by sitting on a wet bench. For these people I give a piece of advice: stand. But for those who absolutely must rest their legs there's the Rolling Bench. It's a wooden slat bench that can be turned via crank to expose the dry underside. You can use it to crank bums and/or old ladies off the bench as well. While a novel concept, I imagine they'd be expensive. And it's not like a wet bench is that big a deal in the first place. Just do what I do and sit on a stranger's lap. If it makes them uncomfortable you know you've found a good spot. It's when they invite you to sit on their lap that you have to be careful.

Wet Benches Suck [electroplankton]

Thanks to Nils, whose IQ rivals that of Einstein, for the tip

Dec 12 2007 Pencil Bench Is, Get This, Made Of Pencils

The Pencil Bench is a bench that has a seating surface made of 1,600 pencils. Which is a lot. All the pencils fit into holes in the bottom so you can remove and use them if you desire. It's made by Boex 3D Creative Solutions and will set you back $2,450 -- a ridiculous price for a few pieces of wood and a shit-ton of pencils. You could make this in an afternoon. I bet they didn't even use the pencils with good erasers. I bet those are the ones that smear your writing instead of erasing it. God I hate those things. And while it may support Mr. 28" x 32" in the picture, what about a full figured model like myself? What happens when I set all of my 42" x 28" down on that bitch? I'll tell you what happens -- a bunch of cheap pencils get rammed up my ass. And then I'd have to get my girlfriend to pull them out for me like she did after that time I begged her to stick a Coke bottle up there aliens left a bottle in my ass during an abduction.

Pull Up a Pencil and Have a Seat [yankodesign]