Aug 21 2009 Does The Dissolving Bikini Really Work?
This is a teaser trailer for a video demonstrating whether or not the dissolving bikini I posted earlier actually works. SPOILER ALERT: It does. Except it's way freaking lame and the whole bikini doesn't actually dissolve, just a couple small bands holding it on. Go HERE to see the full video, which is advertised as SFW but I'm pretty sure I saw a nipple at 0:31. Yep, there it is. Also, there's a NSFW version HERE which has a lot more nipples. Which, I think we can all agree, are what Fridays are all about...
...
...
...
...to the nudey bar! You're driving.
Video: Clint test de oplosbare bikini [clint]
Thanks to Jef, who makes bikinis disappear the old fashioned way: with x-ray vision.
Jul 10 2009 Death Star Of Hearts: Star Wars Tattoo Chick
Fail? She's all win in my book. Between Boba Fett and the heart-shaped Death Star, I would do all sorts of things to this woman. Namely: try to introduce myself, get choked up, point my finger at her yelling "pew pew pew!", and then sob into my Star Wars beach towel.
Thanks to Johnny Freightliner, who may or may not be hauling pirated goods.
May 11 2009 Another Montauk Monster Washes Ashore
Remember the Montauk Monster? It's back. Well, another one at least. Escaped from the same top secret government facility as the first, this monster washed up on Southhold, Long Island, just across the bay from Montauk. AND THERE'S VIDEO. AND IT'S GROSS. BUT I'D STILL EAT IT. BECAUSE I'M HUNGRY.
Hit the jump for some guy poking the thing, holding hands with it, and singing Kumbaya and shit.
Jan 13 2009 No Need To Apply, Folks, I've Got This In The Bag: Austrialia Posts My Dream Job
Australia's Queensland state is looking to hire a "Great Barrier Reef Island Caretaker" at a rate of $105,000 (US) for six-months of service. What kind of service?
The "island caretaker" would be expected to stroll the white sands, soak up the sun, snorkel the reef, "maybe clean the pool" -- and report to a global audience via weekly blogs, photo diaries and video updates.
The winner, who will stay rent-free in a multimillion-dollar three-bedroom beach home complete with pool and golf cart, must be an excellent communicator and be able to speak and write in English.
F*** yes, I can do some of those things!
The job, according to the Daily Telegraph, seems too good to be true -- work 12 hours a month for six months while carrying out such duties as feeding turtles, watching whales and writing a blog.
The Daily Telegraph reported 850,000 people clicked on the site within the first 24 hours, but as of As of 11 a.m. EST, the Web site for job-seekers had been taken down.
Don't even bother, folks, this job was made for me. And I hacked the application site, so you can pretty much forget about it. However, now I'M accepting applications for a few lucky ladies to join me. Applicants must be able to blog, create photo diaries, and video updates. Also, feed turtles and keep a secret.
Australia Offers 'Best Job in World' On Paradise Island [foxnews]
Thanks to Bryan and Michael, who can come if they agree to feed themselves to sharks while my female crew takes pictures.
Dec 15 2008 Dubai Resort Building Air-Conditioned Beach
A new Versace hotel in Dubai is going to feature an air-conditioned beach. Ha, and all this time I thought beaches were supposed to be hot.
A system of heat-absorbing pipes and giant wind blowers will "keep tourists cool in the searing 40-50C (104-122F) heat." Soheil Abedian, president of Palazzo Versace hotel that will be home to the refrigerated beach, said: "We will suck the heat out of the sand to keep it cool enough to lie on. This is the kind of luxury that top people want."
Top people? What the f*** is a top person? And, more importantly, how do I become one? Unfortunately, this opulence comes at a cost. Namely, mother nature's ass.
The city's continued expansion will also add to its huge carbon footprint. Each person living in Dubai has a carbon footprint of more than 44 tons of CO2 a year.
A 44-ton footprint -- that's bigger than Bigfoot's! But seriously, Satan, how about a little AC down here, it's freaking hot.
Versace hotel to refrigerate beach [news.au]
Thanks Natalie and jumpin_j, now listen: don't sin lest you want a burning coal jammed up your ass for eternity. And *TSSSSSSSSSS* OH MOTHER OF MELTING ASS TRUST ME YOU DOOOOOOON'T!
Dec 10 2008 Oops!: Girl Loses Virginity, Texts Her Dad
Elizabeth Frisinger, 18, lost her virginity on the beach during a senior class trip. Then she accidentally texted her dad, telling him about it. Woops! Gotta be careful with the iPhone texting app, Lizzy, it's easy to text the wrong person. Seriously though, sweetheart, this could have been much worse. Just kidding -- you're totally f***ed! It could have only been worse if, instead of texting your dad, he was there. HIYO!
Meet Elizabeth Frisinger: She lost her virginity and accidentally texted her dad [inquisitr]
Thanks to Alejandro, who's smart enough to only email mom and dad about his sexual conquests.
Oct 31 2008 Giant LEGO Figure Appears On Beach
A giant LEGO minifig maxifig washed up on the beach of Brighton, England a few days ago, and nobody knows where the hell he came from.
The Lego man is 6ft tall in red, yellow and green. It is presumed to have washed up on the beach, but whether it has come from a cargo ship or from across the Channel is not clear.
Brighton resident Gerry Turner, 34, said: "It's very odd. God knows how it got here but people are saying it's from Holland because it's got some Dutch writing on it. It must have fallen off a boat of something. The kids love it."
Fallen off a boat or something? How many boats do you know of with giant LEGO men manning the sails? Exactly, only a handful. No, I think there's a much more logical answer to this mystery. And that, my friends, is God.
Giant lego man appears on Brighton beach [telegraph]
Thanks to ShitBitch Carl, who used to captain a LEGO pirate ship in the Carribbean.
Oct 2 2008 UV Ray Bikini Helps Keep You Cancer Free
The SmartSwim UV Intensity Bikini ($99) has little purple beads right between the tits (and other, more boring places) to let you know how intense the UV rays are. Light purple good, dark purple, cancer. I suppose if you don't want to shell out 99 bones you could buy any bikini and add your own beads, but that would be cheating. And cheating, my friends, wins games.
SmartSwim UV Intensity Bikini warns against excessive exposure [dvice]
Aug 8 2008 It's Paper!: Montauk Monster Mystery Solved
Remember Brian Chan? He's Geekologie's Folder In Residence. Well this morning he wrote to let me know he singlehandedly solved the Montauk Monster mystery: It's a single piece of folded paper! ZOMG, government conspiracy! This just proves the point I've been trying to make for awhile now: when there's no simple answer, blame the government. They're bound to have f***ed up somehow. And also, taxes. They make you pay them.
Hit the jump for a close-up and comparison shot showing the monster for what it really is.
Continue Reading " It's Paper!: Montauk Monster Mystery Solved "
Aug 4 2008 Montauk Monster: Interview, Speculation
Well forks -- can I call you forks? Good, anyway my loyal sporks, the Montauk Monster mystery has been solved. Turns out it was my sister. Haha, Tracey -- that's what you get for mom and dad always loving you more. Fine, so nobody has identified what the hell the beast is yet. But there is another picture, along with three horrible Photoshop fakes (all included after the jump for your FAKE!ing pleasure). Oh, and an interview with the three women that found the thing. They say they've got the corpse decomposing in a box at a friend's place. SICK! And also, start the grill. I'd really believe this was all a hoax if the three chicks seemed mentally capable of tying their shoes. But they're not. I think they're Velcro girls. So, my spoony friends, check out all the media after the jump and draw your own conclusions. But remember -- even bloated, fugly monsters need love. Isn't that right, Tracey? HOLY MOTHER OF....PUT YOUR BAG BACK ON BEFORE I HIT YOU WITH A STICK!
Hit the jump for a new picture, three obvious Photoshoppings, and a painful interview with three life failures.
Continue Reading " Montauk Monster: Interview, Speculation "
Jul 30 2008 Monster Washes Ashore In Montauk
Allegedly this is a picture of some unknown monster that washed ashore in Montauk, on the eastern tip of Long Island. Obviously it's fake, because 1. like a girlfriend that doesn't make me want to blow my eardrums out, monsters don't exist, and 2. whoever made it modeled the damn thing after Tokka from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2 (minus the shell). Anybody know what movie this is a viral for? After a little interweb spelunking my guess is a film adaptation of The Montauk Project. Apparently it centers around governmental time-travel experiments, but does feature some sort of alien monster coming to Earth. So, yeah, that's my guess -- which, I might add, is 120% correct. Because if it's not, I'll just edit the post and change it to be right. In case you haven't noticed folks, all your interweb are belong to me.
I'll update the story and let you know what's up when the truth is discovered.
Click through to see the uncensored version. Warning: It's fugly.
Dec 27 2007 Batcave Home Theater Looks Good, Dark
A retired naturalist who particularly loves bats had a batcave home theater installed in his cellar. DC Audio Video Systems in New Hampshire was responsible for the install.
The set-up includes prop bats which hang from above, a motorized 110 16:9 Stewart Electriscreen, Triad Silver THX Speakers, and a Sony G90, a $36,000 commercial 1080p 2500 x 2000 CRT projector. The room also features eight black, motorized leather recliners and a LiteTouch LC5000 System for Lighting Control.
When I first found the article I thought for sure it was going to be a Batman enthusiast's work, not an actual bat-lover's. And sure as hell not the dream of some naturalist. Shouldn't he be out playing naked volleyball or something? Why's he down in a cellar watching movies when he could be on the beach with his ding-dong waving, frolicking with naked old women with saggy cans. Because I've seen a lot of naturalist pictures, and that's what they all look like. What's that? I'm thinking of naturists? Whatever, I bet naturalists are freaks too.
A bunch more pictures of the setup after the jump.
