Sep 8 2009 Mmmm, Blocky: Rolling LEGO Cookie Cutter

Want to make LEGO shaped cookies? Well you're in luck thanks to this $10 rolling cookie cutter directly from LEGO! Oh, hold the phone -- I just read a review.

I am a very capable and experienced sugar cookie designer. If the dough is not the perfect thickness--not too thick, not too thin, it will stick on the wheel. I very carefully and tediously cut out about 50 of this itty, bitty (1" x 1") bricks on my cookie sheet. I chilled the dough for 1/2 an hour in the refrigerator to help keep the shape during baking. However, they didn't hold their shape during baking because they are so small. They came out of the oven in an unrecognizable shape.

Well, I guess that's out. That's okay though because I bet it still works for Play-Doh. And Play-Doh, as we all know, is delicious. It tastes like gummy-salt! Uh-oh -- another review!

I am so disappointed. We bought the cookie cutter for school bday party and the cake mold for family party. The cookie cutter is cracked on one brick. Used it anyway. The dough sticks to the cutter and is nearly impossible to get it off without ruining the shape. Tried freezing the dough to make it harder. Cuts better but... My son cried after they baked. They look like plain old cookies. The lego shape completely disappears.

BWAHAHAHAHA -- your son cried after they baked! Did you check to make sure his training bra wasn't on too tight? Because that shit can cause serious discomfort. I mean, I'VE HEARD (I wear my roommates bra while she's at work).

Product Site

Thanks to rox, who once won a bake off and bake on IN THE SAME DAY.

Aug 30 2009 You've Got Mail!: Oldschool Computer Mailbox

Who the hell still rocks those oldschool CRT monitors? You do? Oh, sorry. Truthfully, I still rock a 21-incher myself. HIYO! Anyway, this is a $230 computer mailbox fabricated out of wood and a traditional mailbox so that some punkass teenagers can come bat the shit out of it. I don't recommend them. But I do recommend you paying me $100 to make you a modern flatscreen monitor mailbox. Sure it'll just be an unpainted piece of particleboard with a whole cut in the middle, but what did you expect? Watch your bills just blow away! But not into my yard, I'll call the cops.

Computer Mailbox: You see, grandma? This is how e-mail works [dvice]

May 19 2009 Baaaaad Idea: Cheap Terminator Costumes

Just in time for the new movie, Toys-Я-Us is selling $13 T-600 (looks more like a T-6 if you ask me) costumes for children. I mean, it's not even Halloween. You let your kid run around the neighborhood with this thing on and it's game over, man! Wait, that was Aliens. Anyway, the costumes were made to compliment the rest of the crap they're marketing to children under 13 who shouldn't even be allowed to see the movie. Just sayin', my dad took me to see the original Terminator when I was 4. It all makes sense now, doesn't it?

Product Site

Thanks to Reason, who once killed a T-600 with a laser beam and then called its mother Robo-Cop.

Apr 23 2009 Baby Shaking App Pulled From iTunes Store

In an unshocking turn of events, Apple has pulled 'Baby Shaker', an iPhone application that allows users to shake a baby until red X's appear over its eyes and it stops crying, from the iTunes store.

Within a day of the game being available for download, childcare organisations had reacted with fury to the game's shocking premise.

An Apple spokesman would not comment on why the program was initially approved for sale nor about how many people downloaded the game. Apple screens every iPhone application and has rejected a number of controversial apps in the past, including one that let iPhone users throw virtual shoes at President Bush.

First of all, shaking babies isn't really funny. And secondly, I'm more than a little pissed that POS application got approved and mine didn't. How the hell does 'Baby Shaker' make it and not, 'The Oregon Happy Trail: An Adventure In My Pants'. What? It was educational! You died of gonorrhea.

Also, I've had several requests for a Geekologie iPhone app. Personally, I view the site in the browser, but hey, if somebody wants to make one, I won't pay you. But I will make you famous. Internet famous.

Video of the 'game' after the jump.

Continue Reading " Baby Shaking App Pulled From iTunes Store "

Mar 27 2009 Aaaahh!: They're After Our Children, Elderly

Just like lions attack in the wild, robots are planning on taking out the weakest of our proverbial herd first. Namely, children and old folks. All thanks to a little service class robot named ApriAttenda, by Toshiba.

At just one meter tall, the robot can open doors, handle trays and drinks and comes equipped with cameras in its three-fingered hands. The robot is expected to join the ranks of day care and nursing robots being designed to meet the needs of the graying populace. Shown above is the ApriAttenda being trained by one of the humans it will soon replace.

Yeah, soon replace with bloody stumps! You can't fool me, Toshiba. I don't care how googly its eyes are, that is a trained killing machine if I've ever seen one. And trust me -- I stare at one in the mirror everyday. *flexing* UH! You like this pose? Well check out *MEEEOOOOOW!* Oh God, stepped on the cat.

ApriAttenda robot updated to nurse your elders and monitor your offspring [dvice]

Mar 13 2009 Avon Selling The Resident Evil T-Virus

So apparently Avon is selling the T-virus to unsuspecting women who want fuller, plumper looking faces. Little do they know they're gonna get just the opposite!

First from Avon: injectable-grade facial filler. A skin care breakthrough! Fullness perfected, not injected!* Dramatic results for dramatically less! Super concentrated serum.** 3x the level of injectable-grade hyaluronic acid for dramatic filling & plumping.*** In just 3 days, begins to reduce the look of deep folds. In 2 weeks, 82% of women saw more youthful fullness in the cheek area.**** In 4 weeks, dramatically reduces the look of deep facial folds and hollowness.

In 5 weeks, you're a zombie and the GW has to take your head off with a shotgun because he won't put up any of your 'NAR NAR BRAINS' zombie bombie bullshit. PEW PEW, Avon, PEW PEW.

Product Site
and
Avon's Derma-Full Totally Looks Like The T-virus [totallylookslike]

Thanks to gordon and residentistEVIL, who called in Rad to the power of Sick today and rushed out to pick up Resident Evil 5.

Feb 5 2009 Want A Mini-Robot Version Of Yourself?

If you answered yes, I want you to leave your name and address in the comments section, as I'd like to send you some anthrax literature. You will not be saved. But, for the sake of my Pulitzer, I'll report on these devilish little bastards anyway. Available from Little Island for a little over $2,000, the little creeps serve as a VoIP phone so you can talk "face to face" to you family or pets while you're away. But wait, there's a little more!

Unfortunately, the "robot" doesn't appear to actually have many true robot abilities, although it does have a built-in camera to let you check out its surroundings via a connected computer, and it's apparently able to do a few basic tasks like read your RSS feeds or check the weather. The bot is also essentially just a plush PC itself (complete with a 500MHz Geode processor), so there's certainly plenty of opportunity to expand its capabilities for those so inclined.

Oh my God, you're actually considering one aren't you? You are sicker than I expected. And let me tell you, I expected at least a 9 of out 10. And to think, your parents said you'd never be a 10 at anything. You showed them!

Little Island promises to craft you in creepy robot form [engadget]

Thanks to Julian, who had a robot version of himself until it drank his last beer and had to be scrapped.

Jan 27 2009 Spider Robot Shoots Webs, Catches Criminals

This spider-inspired robot apparently shoots webs to catch criminals in the act of cowering like little girls. Per translated German:

Which like an ugly remote controlled car is in really an awake robot, which is to catch burglars, looks harmless. The Japanese robot manufacturer Tmsuk and the safety enterprise Alacom developed the prototype of the T-34 of robot mentioned.

I have no idea what that means but I think what they were trying to get at is if this thing actually catches you, you're probably the worst burglar ever. Or a magic goat. Probably a magic goat.

Spiderman-Robocop fängt Menschen [stern]

Thanks to Dirk, who once had the opportunity to prevent a liquor store robbery but used the opportunity to guzzle a bottle of wine while the clerk was distracted.

Jan 24 2009 Wow, Just Wow: Chia Obama Heads

Chia Obama comes in both "determined" and "happy" poses, costs $20, and is probably the worst way to "honor" a president I can think of.

Hit the jump for a comparison of the two poses.

Continue Reading " Wow, Just Wow: Chia Obama Heads "

Jan 23 2009 Wiilly Bad Ideas: Adding Weights To Wiimotes

Wow, wait till somebody beats their dog in the head or throws one of these through the TV.

Introducing riiflex, a weighted attachment designed for the the Wii™ remote. Soon gamers and fitness enthusiasts alike will be able to turn their Wiimote into a weighted dumbbell.

Be among the first to receive this innovative product by submitting your reservation for preorder today.

* Designed for the Wii™ Remote (Wiimote).
* 2LB and 5LB increments (currently proposed).
* Allows access to all Wii™ Remote functions.

Riiflex: $5 to reserve for pre-order
New flatscreen television: $1,600
Two years of therapy for the kids when you kill the family dog: $9,000
Convincing yourself you'll actually get fit playing Wii with a weighted remote: priceless

There are some things money can't buy, for all the rest, steal.

Product Page

Thanks to Tank, who works out his treads running over the bodies of his enemies.

Jan 23 2009 Concealed Dork Permit: The Gadget Holster

Oh God, please don't shoot -- with your iPhone! BWHAHHAHAH! Let me guess -- you failed the police academy entrance exam again.

The fashionable e-Volve™ Gadget Shoulder Holster is a new "carry all" shoulder holster that allows you to get all of your personal electronic gadgets off your belt, out of your pockets and into a comfortable shoulder holster.

The e-Volve Gadget Shoulder Holster is designed to "evolve" and adapt to the reality of constant state of change in personal electronics by enabling you to wear your present and future gadgets. This evolutionary capability is achieved by a simple, but functional design of this ergonomic shoulder holster.

I bet it's got a place to store Awethumbs! And it's only 70! F*** a fanny-pack, I want an e-Volve Gadget Shoulder Douche Holster! Watch this little trick -- nothing in my hands right.....BOOM, iPhone! Haha, I'd bet you'd you like to know where it came from -- too bad it's called magic. I'm serious, I had to fellate the sorcerer's apprentice.

Product Page

Thanks to Atlas Thugged, who done crushed that punk bitch to deaf wif the planet, son.

Dec 2 2008 Wait, What?: A Gas-Powered Snowboard

Hammacher Schlongmeister, purveyor of the utterly ridiculous, is selling a gas-powered snowboard this year. Because, you know -- shit, beats me.

This is the gas-powered vehicle that combines the thrill of riding a snowmobile and the freedom of a snowboard, enabling you to surf effortlessly over the deepest fresh powder or on packed, granular snow. Powered by a 6 1/2-hp four-cycle gasoline engine that starts with a pull, it can accommodate riders up to 250 lbs. and has a maximum speed of 18 mph, operating up to two hours on only 3/4-gallon of gasoline.

All that and it'll only set you back $2,000. They're practically giving them away! And as a guy who's broken his arm snowboarding, I've got to admit: two grand is a small price to pay to shatter it again. *CRUNCH* I can see the bone!

Gas-powered snowboard secures your dominance over nature [dvice]

Dec 1 2008 Haha, I'm Rich!: Fiber Optic Placemats

The LumiTable table runner is made from woven fiber optic strands and glows while you dine in the dark. Available in a variety of hideous colors, each 63"x13" runner will set you back a costly $200, but is sure to get the neighbors talking. Talking about what a tacky freaking idiot you are. Seriously, the only people that eat in the dark are vampires. And if there's one thing I know about vampires, it's that I tried to stab myself to death with my nachos watching Twilight this weekend.

Luminous tablecloth adds an eerie glow to your dining experience [dvice]

Nov 7 2008 Why God, Why?: A Welcome Mat Mouse Pad

I've seen it all now. A $13 mouse pad that looks like a welcome mat. Jesus, what will they think of next? And could it possibly be this freaking stupid?

UPDATE: Jesus said their next pad is gonna look like a little mouse cage. Aaaaaand I'm out. *BANG*

Product Page

Thanks to Reece, who knows that the only good mouse pad is a bearskin rug.

Oct 10 2008 Revenge CD Annoys Neighbors, Yourself

The Revenge CD from Fred is a CD packed with 20 of the most annoying sounds ever, from unhappy dog, to violin practice, to house party. The $7 CD even comes with a pair of earplugs, so you don't have to listen to the racket. Clever, but I can't help but think there are better ways of seeking revenge on neighbors. Including, but not limited to: breaking a basement window and leaving a hose running into it while they're on vacation, vandalism, and my personal favorites: kidnapping and arson. But seriously, rake up your leaves already, you're making our block look like shit.

Product Page

Thanks to Silver Sided, who believes living well is the best revenge, which is total bullshit. Burning a house down, that's where it's at.

Oct 9 2008 Used Condoms Reborn As Hair/Rubber Bands

Soiled condoms *HORF* are being recycled into hair bands and rubber bands in China.

"There are a lot of bacteria and viruses on the rubber bands and hair ties made from used condoms," a dermatologist at the Guangzhou Hospital of Armed Police, who asked to be identified by his surname Dong, told the local paper. "People could be infected with AIDS, warts or other diseases if they hold the rubber bands or strings in their mouths while weaving their hair into plaits or buns."

*HORF* Jesus. But on the upside, a bag of 10 hair bands only costs 3¢. Which, I think we can all agree is worth the risk of contracting something.

Report: Used condoms 'recycled' as hair bands in China [usatoday]

Thanks to Skip, who may or may not have been the guy that ratted me out for blowing up used condoms at my last clown gig.

Aug 20 2008 Solar Panel Tie Can Charge Your Gadgets

This solar panel tie collects light and, through a process that even Scientologists don't understand, converts it to usable energy. The tie has a little pocket on the back that stores the gadget you're charging, and is completely impractical. I'm all for green shit (figuratively), but I just don't see these catching on. The majority of guys that have to wear ties (like me) work in fluorescent cubicle farms where this thing would get little to no charge. I mean, I can't even see a freaking window from here. We used to have one, but management boarded it up when they found out we liked looking out of it. What somebody needs to do is invent solar powered hard hats or something a landscaper would wear, like, I dunno, a suntan. Oh my God, I'm brilliant.

Hello, patent office? Are you sitting down? Good, now put this in your pipe and smoke it -- solar-powered suntans! I drew a picture and everything. Well, it's on a bar napkin, so I'll just tell you -- it's a really tan guy on a lawnmower charging a boombox. It's great, he's got a cord coming out of his belly button and everything. Hello? HELLO?

Solar Powered Tie Seems Great, Probably Won't See Much Light [ohgizmo]

Aug 11 2008 UPDATE: 8 People Buy $1,000 'I Am Rich' iPhone App, Now With Video Tour!

Armin Heinrich made a $1,000 iPhone application called "I Am Rich" that doesn't do anything but open a picture of a glowing red gem. That way, nobody will feel bad about stealing your phone. And, God willing, punching you in the teeth with a car.

The app displays a glowing red gem on a user's iPhone screen for the sole purpose of proving to onlookers one is of the moneyed class. That's all it does.

You know, there are a lot better ways to let people know you're rich than a damn iPhone application. Including, but not limited to: grillz, throwing money from your car, and getting your member gold plated and/or diamond encrusted. But the real sick part of this story is that 8 people bought the application before iTunes pulled it. And you know what? IT WAS ME 8 TIMES! Suck it, peasants!

UPDATE: Video tour of the app and a link to a hacked version after the jump thanks to Tony, who may or may not be in the mob.

Hit the jump for several more pictures, a video tour, and a link to the hacked app. You're rich!

Continue Reading " UPDATE: 8 People Buy $1,000 'I Am Rich' iPhone App, Now With Video Tour! "

Jul 17 2008 Because You Hate Your Kids: Baby Wigs

First there were cat wigs, then dog wigs, and now, baby wigs. Baby Toupees are "small wigs for small people" and cost $22 apiece. Thankfully these weren't available when I was a baby or my mom would have bought them all. Baby Toupee: $22. F***ing your kids up for life: priceless.

Baby Toupee website (with a huge gallery of babies in other, discontinued models)

Thanks to Julian, who just purchased the whole set for his doll collection.

Jun 27 2008 Boom Arm Starbase Workstation Allows You To Work Comfortably From Bed, Recliner, Can

The Starbase Alpha Boom Boom Room Workstation Arm thingy is ridiculously named and holds either a laptop or LCD monitor while you're playing with yourself in bed or asleep on the can.

Workstations available for use with either a Laptop computer(ST-03) or for use with an LCD Flat screen monitor(ST-04).

Key Benefits:
Use your computer in comfort
Use your computer from non-traditional places
Portable take it where you need it.

Both cost about $300 and you'll be ridiculed if you ever use one. Just like I was after posing for that picture there. And before you ask, yes, those are my pink sheets, and no, that's not a boner. Those are my toes. Wait -- I take that back. Freakin' huge.

Never get out of bed to blog with the Boom Arm Starbase Workstation [bbgadgets]