Mar 27 2009 Alfie Patten, You Are....Not The Father!

Remember Alfie Patten, the 13-year old that got his 15-year old girlfriend pregnant? Well, turns out he's not the father after all, and ogres really are the cheating whores I suspected. The fairy tales were true!

A DNA test showed a 13-year-old boy in Britain is not the father of a baby born to a 15-year-old he had unprotected sex with once.

Chantelle Stedman told Alfie Patten, who was 12 when he slept with her, he was her newborn daughter Maisie's father.

At first Stedman said Patten was the only boy she had ever slept with, but soon after other teens came forward saying they too could be the baby's father, because they claimed to have had sex with the girl.

It is still not clear who the baby's father is.

Alfie, if you're reading, I have some advice: get your junk checked for funk and then WALK AWAY with clean hands and dong. Chalk it up as a life lesson and move on. Just be thankful you learned it now before you married the beast atop Mt. Bloodfang and were sealed to the ogre clan forever. Because that would suck. Now run, Alfie -- run as fast and far as those little child-sized feet and size 4's will take you! Also, no more sticking your penis in things until you're 30 and gainfully employed. And then only the change return slot in vending machines.

DNA test shows 13-year-old Alfie Patten is not a dad [heraldsun]

Thanks to darkfall13, Eva, Freddy, Sinclair and Romeo, who all know the only great sex is safe sex with dinosaurs.

Jan 28 2009 Not Again!: Another Kid's Toy Promoting Islam

Remember the story about the children's doll that allegedly says "Islam is the light"? Well now there's a Nintendo DS game that says the same thing, thankfully discovered by BY THE SAME IDIOT THAT COMPLAINED ABOUT THE DOLL.

Months ago, Rachel Jones was shocked to discover her 4-year-old's baby doll seemed to have a hidden message: Islam is the light.

Imagine her surprise when a game for her 8-year-old daughter's Nintendo DS had the same message. Jones said she's angry this is the second toy she's had to take from her children.

"Not just my daughters' toys, but we have a son too," said Jones. "Now I feel like I need to listen to all of his little toys to make sure they're not saying it."

Well, I don't know what to tell you, Rachel. Except stop procreating. Also, your fifteen minutes of local-news fame were up last year, let somebody else have a turn. Like the kid that got a cherry pit stuck up his nose, that's something.

Video game plays strange message? [wpri]

Thanks to Mark, whose Teddy Ruxpin doll promoted Wicca.

Aug 25 2008 Intel Demonstrates Wireless Power Transfer

Last week Intel demonstrated a system that can broadcast 60 watts of power up to three feet with 75% efficiency. Using the system seen above, they shot power from one ring of death to the other, and lit a lightbulb. Now I'm not saying it's a good idea to wave your baby-maker around in between the two coils, but it most certainly is. Especially if you've ever wanted your balls to spontaneously combust. And honestly, who hasn't?

Intel demos a wireless power broadcasting system, villagers terrified [engadget]

Thanks Jill, and don't worry -- I'm sterile.

Feb 8 2008 Patent 5163447: The Musical Prophylactic

Patent 5163447 describes a "force-sensitive, sound-playing condom." The safety device features "a chip-controlled piezoelectric sound transducer (18) which plays a melody or voiced message when during intercourse the contacts of the sound-playing unit are closed and the transducer is activated." The inventor, Paul Lyons, actually sent me a few samples in time for Valentine's last year, but the results proved disastrous. Apparently the Star Wars theme didn't make my girlfriend as amorous as it made me. Neither did the Darth Vader mask I insisted she wear.

The uncensored picture after the jump.

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