Apr 1 2009 Google's CADIE And Gmail's Auto-Pilot
Well folks, the apocalypse is upon us. Google has foolishly unleashed the world's first "artificial intelligence tasked-array system" (death-bot) upon the world. CADIE (Cognitive Autoheuristic Distributed-Intelligence Entity) is going to kill us all, and, even worse, delete all the porno on the internet (personal speculation).
So although CADIE technology will be rolled out with the caution befitting any advance of this magnitude, in the months to come users can expect to notice her influence on various google.com properties. Earlier today, for instance, CADIE deduced from a quick scan of the visual segment of the social web a set of online design principles from which she derived this intriguing homepage.
Nice homepage, reminds me of my own. But to her credit, CADIE has actually done some good. Namely, creating a Gmail program that answers your emails for you when you're too busy getting hosed down (violently, not sensually) by the coming robot army. It's called Auto-Pilot.
As more and more everyday communication takes place over email, lots of people have complained about how hard it is to read and respond to every message. This is because they actually read and respond to all their messages.
But what happens if a sender and recipient both have Autopilot on?Two Gmail accounts can happily converse with each other for up to three messages each. Beyond that, our experiments have shown a significant decline in the quality ranking of Autopilot's responses and further messages may commit you to dinner parties or baby namings in which you have no interest.
There you have it folks, April Fools, 2009. See you all tomorrow, when telling your girlfriend you got her sister pregnant stops being funny and starts being real.
Google
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Gmail Auto-Pilot
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CADIE's Blog
Thanks to TJ, sofa king, Smith III, amy, The Mighty Musnud, Dave180!, oisin and Ryan, who only drive on auto-pilot. Nice guys, that's safe.
Mar 4 2009 Fully Automated, Computer Controlled Shower Will Kill You While You Bathe, I'm Sure Of It
The Aquapeutics (now to be known as AquaPEWtics) luxury steam shower has everything a person could want, plus a whole bunch of other crap, and a $4,300 pricetag.
This spaceship-worthy shower is loaded up with two handheld showers, a waterproof LCD TV, a radio, massage jets, a steam box, overhead lights, an alarm, and other crazy crap. The whirlpool and steamshower are computerized, letting you set your program to run when you get in, and it's all very fancy.
I WANT IT! I heard it even washes your balls and polishes them to a shine. Which, I think we can all agree, while painful, would be well worth the shellacking. QUICK -- LOOKIE HERE! Haha, blinded you.
Aquapeutics shower is just a little bit over the top [dvice]
Sep 5 2008 UPDATE: Now With Video And Cat Picture: Helicopters Teach Themselves To Fly, Hilarity Does Not Ensue, PEW PEW PEW Does
Mad scientists at Stanford have created helicopters that can teach themselves to fly difficult acrobatic maneuvers simply by watching another helicopter perform them. Start building that bunker.
The dazzling airshow is an important demonstration of "apprenticeship learning," in which robots learn by observing an expert, rather than by having software engineers peck away at their keyboards in an attempt to write instructions from scratch."I think the range of maneuvers they can do is by far the largest" in the autonomous helicopter field, said Eric Feron, a Georgia Tech aeronautics and astronautics professor who worked on autonomous helicopters while at MIT. "But what's more impressive is the technology that underlies this work. In a way, the machine teaches itself how to do this by watching an expert pilot fly. This is amazing."
Jesus, so all the robots need is one crazy asshole to teach them how to do something, and it's goodbye humanity. This is depressing. So, to cheer you back up, I'll tell you a funny story.
I'm working from home today and one of the cats (affectionately known as The Terrorist) won't leave me alone. He keeps trying to pull the keys off my keyboard while I type. So I lightly squeezed one of his back legs to see if it was big enough for a meal, and you know what the little Kitler did? He dribbled a little wet shit out his cookie cutter -- just to spite me. Then I had to chase the bastard around the house with a paper towel for five minutes trying to wipe it out of his fur before he sat on something. And that, dear reader, is my life. Happy lunch!
Hit the jump for a picture of the loveable little a-hole after I pawcuffed him.
UPDATE: Video added after the jump, thanks to Whitey, who's way paler than you are.
Dec 21 2007 I'm In Love: Robot Opens And Pours Beer
The autonomous Bottlebot will pick up, open, and pour your beer into a glass. It was built by a college student for an engineering project, and it's pretty clear that this kid is the best and brightest in the class. That robot is A+ material. I would like to hire him on the spot. Sure I'm just hiring a night attendant at the gas station, but with his ingenuity and drive, he could make assistant manager in less than a year.
A must see video of the guy in action after the jump.
Continue Reading " I'm In Love: Robot Opens And Pours Beer "
Dec 5 2007 Helicopter With Automatic 12-Gauge Shotgun
The AutoCopter Gunship is the toy I always wanted growing up. It's a helicopter with a freaking Auto Assault-12 Full-Auto Shotgun by Military Police Systems attached.
The AutoCopter uses patented "intelligent neural network-based flight control algorithms" for automated flight control, and "utilizes a system that reduces recoil by 90 percent, thus the helicopter doesn't go into an instant tailspin the second the gun is fired.
Hot dog! I need one in a bad, bad way. This thing is going to jack up my paintball matches several degrees. Yep, probably right up to the first degree. Murder. Because I forgot to replace the shotty with a paintball gun.
Cool video of the thing firing after the take-off.
Continue Reading " Helicopter With Automatic 12-Gauge Shotgun "
Nov 1 2007 Donut Machine Is My Girlfriend's Dream Man
The Dough-Nu-Matic is a stupidly named automatic donut machine. Sort of. You see, you still have to make the dough and put it in. All the machine does is form the delicious little bastards and fry them. You can crank out about a dozen in under six minutes. The unit costs $130 from Skymall (surprise, surprise) and I'm sure as soon as my hideous girlfriend reads this she'll have three on order. One for the house, one for the office, and the crazy bitch will probably mount one in her car. She can barely go a minute without a warm donut.
Dough-Nu-Matic Automatic Doughnut Machine [boingboing]
Oct 29 2007 Robot Car Is Tiny, Still Fits Lots of Clowns
The Picobot is allegedly the world's smallest autonomous robot. I say allegedly as I'm not up to date on the world's smallest autonomous robots because I have better things to do. So we'll just assume it is. It doesn't do much besides drive itself off a table, but hey, you've got to start somewhere. The maker plans to include wireless communications, camera, sensor, and GPS technology in future versions. No official word on the number of clowns the thing can fit, but based on my expert opinion I'm going six. Maybe seven if they aren't wearing those stupid oversized shoes.
A video of the car repeatedly committing suicide after the jump. And props to the maker for the Pabst stovepipe on the table.
Continue Reading " Robot Car Is Tiny, Still Fits Lots of Clowns "
Aug 27 2007 World's First Automated Restaurant
A new restaurant in Nuremberg, Germany is opening with no waiters. Because it's an automated restaurant! Named 's Baggers (yes that's correct, it starts with an apostrophe) the restaurant's only employees are the cooks (who should be replaced with robots). Patrons order via touchscreen (which doubles as credit card paying device), and the food is delivered via gravity from the kitchen above along steel rails. This place is awesome, and anyone who has been let me know. You know what else is cool? I've heard that if you have two legs or a wheelchair or even a walker and can locate the door all the food you order is free.
A few more pictures after the jump, including one of two vagrants clearly involved in identity theft.
UPDATE: Video added.
