Oct 27 2009 No Beach For Me: 'Monster' Great White Almost Bites Smaller Great White In Half
This is a picture of a 10-foot great white shark that was almost bitten in half by what is believed to be a 20-foot great white -- just five feet short of Jaws and only seven short of my penis.
'It certainly opened up my eyes. I mean the shark that was caught is a substantial shark in itself,' says Jeff Krause of Queensland Fisheries.
The great white, the most dangerous creature in the sea, was still alive when hauled onto a boat near Deadman's Beach off north Stradbroke island.'Whatever attacked and took chunks out of this big shark must be massive,' said 19-year-old surfer Ashton Smith. 'I've heard about the big one that's lurking out there somewhere.
'We're all being very, very cautious.'
Listen, I'm not saying I'm the world's manliest man, but for a lifetime supply of Australian beer and the chance to ride in a kangaroo's pouch, I will kill this shark anyway you want. Provided you want me to throw dynamite from a helicopter.
Thanks to Ann, wes, Blastphemer, neo geo, Chris and salsa shark, who have all ridden sharks before and said it was a memorable experience.
Jun 25 2009 Stoned Wallabies To Blame For Crop Circles
The title alone might be the most profound thing I've ever written. I smell Pulitzer! So yeah, apparently wallabies are getting into medical poppy fields in Australia and going nuts. Whee!
"The one interesting bit that I found recently in one of my briefs on the poppy industry was that we have a problem with wallabies entering poppy fields, getting as high as a kite and going around in circles," Lara Giddings told the hearing.
"Then they crash," she added. "We see crop circles in the poppy industry from wallabies that are high."
Great, next they're gonna start breaking into cars and selling themselves to koalas to pay for a fix. And right when I was about to visit Australia too. Damn you, junkie wallabies!
'Stoned wallabies make crop circles' [bbcnews]
Thanks to Graf Zeppelin, SquidgyB, Marty the farmer, Ross and Jonny, who can only make McDonald's runs when they're high.
Jun 12 2009 Skinny Blonde: Australian For Sexy Beer
Skinny Blonde Beer comes from Australia and has a skinny blonde chick on the front of the bottle that, when the temperature gets hot enough, loses her top. And, to give you a demo of this model of modern boobosity, they have the six chicks in the picture above to provide NSFW examples. So, head over to the website (provided you're over 18, or under and don't mind sinning) and give it a go. After watching just the first girl I ordered 30 cases of the stuff. Also, I might have just gotten stuck in a bottle. BWHAHAHAHAH A -- like it's that big!
Skinny Blonde Beer NSFW
Thanks to jlcnuke, who agrees this beer/boob combo is giving explosions and boobs a run for its money.
Mar 9 2009 Kangaroo Broke Into Home, Mistaken For Ninja
A kangroo recently broke into the home of Beat Ettlin while he and his family were sleeping. He mistook the kangaroo for a ninja and began to pummel the 90lb beast.
The 42-year-old told Sky News Online: "I just saw this black thing. I thought it was a lunatic ninja, an intruder. It just fell on top of us on the bed.
Finally, Beat was able to subdue the kangaroo in his son's room, and kick the leggy bastard out the door.
"When I got in there, it was against the wall by the window, trying to get out I think so I just jumped on top of it. I got him in a headlock and pressed him to the ground.
"I had to open the door with one hand, pressing the kangaroo to the wall with the other hand. Finally, the door opened and I could actually release it.
Good looking. Of course, how could you not kick a kangaroo out of your house with a name like Beat? That would be like being named POW and getting your ass kicked by a koala that broke in through the attic.
Oz Dad Fights Off 'Lunatic Ninja' Kangaroo [skynews]
Thanks to Alex, Jazzy 8 Ball, and Victoria, who have all punched ninja-roos in the pouch and lived to tell about it.
Jan 13 2009 No Need To Apply, Folks, I've Got This In The Bag: Austrialia Posts My Dream Job
Australia's Queensland state is looking to hire a "Great Barrier Reef Island Caretaker" at a rate of $105,000 (US) for six-months of service. What kind of service?
The "island caretaker" would be expected to stroll the white sands, soak up the sun, snorkel the reef, "maybe clean the pool" -- and report to a global audience via weekly blogs, photo diaries and video updates.
The winner, who will stay rent-free in a multimillion-dollar three-bedroom beach home complete with pool and golf cart, must be an excellent communicator and be able to speak and write in English.
F*** yes, I can do some of those things!
The job, according to the Daily Telegraph, seems too good to be true -- work 12 hours a month for six months while carrying out such duties as feeding turtles, watching whales and writing a blog.
The Daily Telegraph reported 850,000 people clicked on the site within the first 24 hours, but as of As of 11 a.m. EST, the Web site for job-seekers had been taken down.
Don't even bother, folks, this job was made for me. And I hacked the application site, so you can pretty much forget about it. However, now I'M accepting applications for a few lucky ladies to join me. Applicants must be able to blog, create photo diaries, and video updates. Also, feed turtles and keep a secret.
Australia Offers 'Best Job in World' On Paradise Island [foxnews]
Thanks to Bryan and Michael, who can come if they agree to feed themselves to sharks while my female crew takes pictures.
Jan 7 2009 Most Complained About Commercial Of 2008
This is allegedly the most complained about commercial of 2008. It's an Australian ad for Kotex U brand tampons. And, despite all feminine hygiene commercials making me die a little bit inside, I didn't think it was that bad.
Thanks to Julian for reminded me that Summer's Eve commercials are, in fact, totally awesome.
Jan 6 2009 IT BUUUUUURNS!: Australian Man Dies After Wife Sets His Penis On Fire, Things Go Wrong
That ain't right. You can't just go around setting a man's penis on fire while he's sleeping. I mean, what if he bee-lines it for the curtains?
Rajini Narayan, 44, is alleged to have doused her husband, Satish, with a flammable liquid while he was sleeping. When she set him alight, Mr Narayan jumped out of bed and knocked over the substance, causing the fire to spread.
Prosecutor Lucy Boord said Mrs Narayan had confessed to her neighbours, telling them she was a "jealous wife" and believed her husband was having an affair."I just wanted to burn his penis so it belongs to me and no one else, I didn't mean this to happen," Ms Boord quoted Mrs Narayan as saying.
Hooooooooooly shit! Rajini died from the injuries sustained during the penis fire last week. Now I'm not sure how the criminal law works in Australia, but in my neck of the woods this woman would get life in prison -- provided she survive the vagina dynamiting. Think Wile E. Coyote vs. Road Runner, but the Road Runner is a beaver -- and he's packed with explosives.
Hit the jump for the "IT BUUUUUURNS!" lighter trick idiot. If you've never seen it, watch the whole thing.
Oct 24 2008 Almost Transformers, Almost Funny
Almost Transformers is a skit by Australian comedians Merrick and Rosso in which they don refrigerator and clothes dryer costumes and try to scare people walking by. I thought it was okay. Out of four stars I give it Pluto.
Thanks to Roberto, who needs no transformation to be devilishly handsome.
Aug 26 2008 Awesome: Woman Makes Cheap Solar Cells With Pizza Oven, Nail Polish, Inkjet Printer
Nicole Keupper, the hottie scientist seen above, somehow managed to make cheap solar cells with a pizza oven, nail polish, and inkjet printers. The feat won her two Australian Eureka Prizes, Australia's top science award, and, possibly, something to do with vacuums. Anyway, there's hope that the new cheap solar cells will make renewable energy a reality for developing and developed countries alike. And while I couldn't find out exactly how the cells are made, I have a pretty good idea. First, Nicole does her nails -- something to attract attention, but not too whorish, a subtle pink. Next, she gobbles a large cheese pizza, possibly with mushrooms and black olives. Lastly, she prints a solar cell. Now am I a scientist or what? Huh? Yes, it's a butcher's coat. No, I couldn't get a real lab coat because they started locking the chemistry building after dark. Something about "some asshole stealing lab coats". Hey, I can't help it if I look good in white.
Australian student fashions solar cells out of nail polish as only MacGyver could [dvice]
Jun 24 2008 I'm Buying: Man Auctions Off Entire Life (Including Pride And Dignity) On eBay
Ian Usher is a 44-year old Australian that's selling his entire life on eBay. No, you don't get to kill him, but you do get his house, car, motorcycle, hot tub, friends, job, grill, pictures, computer, underwear, pride, and self respect. The auction ends on Sunday and is already up to about $300,000. Ian is holding the auction after his 12-year relationship with some chick name Laura dissolved and left him broken-hearted. He's looking for a clean start and will begin his new life with nothing but the clothes on his back and the proceeds from the auction (he's hoping for around $500,000). When asked why the relation went sour, Ian replied, "She started kangarooing some other dude. She wanted to settle down and thought I was too impulsive -- the kind of guy that would sell his entire life on eBay." Boy, you sure showed her!
Hit the jump for a bunch of pictures of stuff included in the auction, along with a link to the auction, his blog explaining the situation, and a yahoo news article.
Continue Reading " I'm Buying: Man Auctions Off Entire Life (Including Pride And Dignity) On eBay "
Jun 16 2008 WTF?: Sudoku Addicts Ruin Drug Trial
A drug trial in Australia that's been going on for over three months and already cost taxpayers near $1 million has been halted as a result of jurors playing sudoku puzzles instead of paying attention.
Sydney District Court Judge Peter Zahra cancelled the trial of two men on drugs conspiracy charges after the jury foreperson admitted that four to five jurors had been playing the addictive number sequence game, local media reported.One juror said the game helped them to pay more attention by keeping their mind busy.
"Some of the evidence is rather drawn out and I find it difficult to maintain my attention the whole time," the juror was quoted saying by the Australian Associated Press.
HA! Seriously, I have the attention span of a goldfish so I can completely understand where that person is coming from. But you can't just go sudokuing it up during a damn trail. That's what the DS and PSP are for.
Sudoku addicts halt drugs trial [yahoonews]
Thanks to Ray, who knows that crossword puzzles are where it's at anyways.
Apr 17 2008 Another Kid Gets Stuck In A Claw Machine
Do you remember the story from two years ago where the kid in Wisconsin climbed into a crane game trying to score a free Spongebob? If not here's a link to it, and that's actually a picture of him there. Well folks, it happened again, and this time in Australia in a game called Lucky Dip. Weird I was just talking about my love of crane games yesterday don't you think? Coincidence or superpower? You decide. Anyway, there's a video of the amazing rescue (taking off the side of the machine) after the jump. Although I think that was a little over the top. Not to brag or anything, but I could have snagged the little bugger by the head with a single quarter. Sure it wouldn't have done anything seeing how he's just standing in the prize chute, but it would have taught his parents a valuable lesson. A lesson about not stuffing your child into a vending machine for a "time out".
Video of the action packed after the jump.
Continue Reading " Another Kid Gets Stuck In A Claw Machine "
Mar 25 2008 Man Allegedly Kills Himself With A Robot
Allegedly an 81 year-old man in Australia killed himself with a robot that he found the plans to build on the internet. The robot held a .22 pistol and fired when the dude pushed a button or something. Now call me crazy, but I don't think we're getting the full story here.
Evidence: 81 year-olds don't know how to use the internet. If they do it's to sign on to AOL and download a shit-ton of viruses or give their bank account information to a Nigerian exile.
Evidence: No 81 year-old can build a robot. All the geriatrics I know don't do anything but piss themselves and suck at guessing prices on The Price Is Right because their brains are so f***ed.
So what can we conclude from this? Government. Conspiracy. Just kidding. But I will tell you what really happened. This man obviously built the robot a long time ago, when he was still reasonably sane (probably in his late 40's - 50's). Then his hearing started to go. Over the years he had to turn the volume on the television up louder and louder in order to watch Matlock and old Westerns. One day the robot got fed up with the noise, ordered a gun online, and blasted him. Case. Closed.
Is This Rubbish Bin a Suicide Machine? [boingboing]
Picture (minus that awesome gun I added) via Emily O on Flickr
Dec 27 2007 Suit Washes Clean In The Shower, Hot Damn!
The Konaka Shower Clean Suit is a business suit that washes clean in the shower. It then takes two hours to hang dry (no ironing) and it's ready to wear again. The incredible innovation behind the suit comes from Australian Wool Innovation Limited, a group who focuses their efforts on the application of new technology to wool products. The clothing line is dropping in February for both men and women, and suits will go for $260 - $492. Now I hate to divulge the secret behind the suit, but I'll give you a hint as to how it works -- it's a black garbage bag that looks like a suit. There, the cat's out of the bag. I went and did it didn't I? I sure did. I am such a naughty boy. Which kind of explains the lack of presents from Santa this year. Apparently he didn't read my last letter. I swear I'm starting to hate that fat bastard.
Japanese Salarymen Acquire new weapon: The Konaka Shower Clean Suit [dvice]
