Nov 18 2009 Why Don't House Cats Grow Into Lions?

This is a clever answer to a query posed in Yahoo! Answers. You can't argue the answerer didn't give them exactly what they asked for, even if it's not what they wanted. Because, let's face it, a lot of people don't even know what they want. I'm looking at you, Mrs.Takes 8 Minutes To Order at the Taco Bell Drive Thru. Next time I'm ramming!

Picture

Thanks to TARDISlover, who likes it bigger on the inside.

Nov 17 2009 I'm Taking 'Em With Me!: The Gerbil Shirt (Exclusively For Pudgy Red-Headed Kids)

Gosh, it seems like only yesterday I was hard at working fashioning a bong out of my gerbil's old Habitrail. But it wasn't, it was this morning I'm doing it right now. Anybody have a hot glue gun?

The Gerbil Shirt wraps your torso in plastic tube passageways, making your bod a super highway of fun for Binky and Bart. The interior surfaces are textured for traction and have air vents for easy breathing.

The inventor suggests you can clean the Gerbil Shirt by attaching it to a faucet (remove pets first please), and you should avoid collisions and falls that could cause pet panic.

Listen, I'm not one to judge, except I totally am BECAUSE I'M SO GOOD AT IT. Wapner? Pfft, that old pantstain couldn't gavel his way out of a wet paper bag. Judy? Wrinkled whore. But a Habitrail vest? That's just a solid product.

Gerbil Shirt [ohgizmo]

Thanks to david, who better not catch you trying to run one of those tubes up your butt.

Nov 16 2009 It Was Only A Matter Of Time: Google Streets Car Finally Gets Christened By Bird

I can't believe it took this long. And, who knows, maybe it's happened before. I mean, birds shit on my car all the time. Cats too. And, at least twice this year, a homeless man. Well, from a purely technical standpoint, that was actually IN the car. And speaking of which: DON'T YOU EVER WIPE YOURSELF ON MY SEAT AGAIN. Use the passenger's.

Google Maps

Thanks to Marcos, who has slept in cars but never shit in them. Remember: don't shit where you eat sleep. Unless you pass out on the john, in which case go for it.

Nov 16 2009 WOW: Amazingly Amazing Tauntaun Costume

I hate out of season articles as much as you do, but this tauntaun Halloween costume by Scott Holden was too good not to post. Plus, I'd have already forgotten about it by the time Halloween rolls around next year (booze).

Scott made this amazing costume from scratch. Using designs made in Solidworks, he started to outline the Tauntaun. The head mold was detailed using clay, then a mold was made , then it was cast, and on and on. The horns were made in almost the same manner.

Never thought an animal would have a chassis did you? Well this beast does! This component too made completely from scratch and the best bit of this costume? The costume walks and is not a static display. Scott had to fabricate his own stilts to make this beast complete.

Good looking, Scott! The costume, not you. I mean, you're handsome and all, but that's not what this is about -- this is about the costume. But yours eyes....it's like you can see right through my computer screen and know I'm not wearing anything but a smile and Ewok pelt.

Hit the jump for a bunch of the process and a video of the costume in action.

Continue Reading " WOW: Amazingly Amazing Tauntaun Costume "

Nov 14 2009 Impressive: 300,000 Birds Perform Air Ballet

I have no idea who the hell can tell that's 300,000 birds, but I'm running with it. And by running I mean flying. Just like those birds. Except less graceful. But equally naked! Think of me as like the Eleventh Plague of Egypt, if the Eleventh Plague of Egypt were a naked man standing on the roof flapping his arms. I'm coming for you, Pharoah! *caw caw!*

It's a bird! It's a cloud! It's a bird cloud [yahoobuzz]

Nov 13 2009 Free Willy!: Whale Penis Leather Interior Dropped As Option On Luxury SUV's

Remember the Dartz Prombron Monaco Red Diamond Edition armored cars we reported on last month? You know, the ones that came with a 'whale penis leather interior' option? Ha, how could you forget? -- you called the company to find out if you could just buy seats. Well, after many complaints from whale-loving organizations like Greenpeace, the WWF and PETA, the company has decided to drop the option. Per their absolutely terrible press release. And I mean terrible:

We have no any ideas to kill the whale or something like that. All we want - to make just luxury car. Real luxury car which will be world number one car. [...] All we want to unite luxury and armoring traditions of RussoBalt factory in one car, which brand celebrated 100 years now. At 1922 RussoBalt was renamed to PROMBRON' (ex.RussoBalt).

We just looking for most expensive products for this car - and that's why we choosed whale penis leathure when we checked it is most of most. After wave of protest we realised our mistake and make a decision not to use natural leathure at all. We will focus on world most advanced nanotechnologies to achieve interior highest quality using artificial materials which also was never used for cars. We want to tell our hello to all whales: "Our Sea Brothers! We all know that earth are stand on three whales - we will keep You live! We don't Earth fall down to Ocean!

I can only assume that's just a horrible, horrible translation job. Because if not, this is the last car I'd ever want to drive. You can't even put a sentence together, how am I supposed to trust your air bags?! *POOF!* Elephant scrotum, nice.

Hit the jump for two more shots of the most whale-hating-est vehicles in the world.

Continue Reading " Free Willy!: Whale Penis Leather Interior Dropped As Option On Luxury SUV's "

Nov 6 2009 Dolores: Germany's Hairless Spectacled Bear

Ever wonder what a bear with no hair would look like? This. Poor Dolores has lost her coat. She's a bare bear! I know, sometimes my word wizardry amazes even me.

Vets have been left baffled by the condition of the bespectacled bear, who lives at a zoo in Leipzig.

And Dolores isn't the only one. The sudden hair loss has affected all female bears at the zoo.

Some experts believe it could be due to a genetic defect though the animals do not seem to be suffering from any other affliction.

The bears, which originate from South America, normally have fluffy dark brown fur and would now be growing a thicker fur coat to keep warm during the winter.

Well Rogaine those bitches or something -- this shit ain't right! As much as I do love hunting bears and killing the shit out of them WITH MY BEAR HANDS (more word sorcery), bald bears make me sad as hell. Remember Fuzzy Wuzzy? Brings a tear to my eye.

Hit the jump for three more shots, including one of what Dolores normally looks like.

Continue Reading " Dolores: Germany's Hairless Spectacled Bear "

Nov 6 2009 Wow: LHC Shut Down Over Piece Of Baguette

Apparently coming back from the future to destroy itself isn't the only problem the Large Hadron Collider has to face, now it's being sabotaged by crumb dropping birds. CODE BREAD! CODE BREAD!

The Large Hadron Collider, the world's most powerful particle accelerator, just cannot catch a break. First, a coolant leak destroyed some of the magnets that guide the energy beam. Then LHC officials postponed the restart of the machine to add additional safety features. Now, a bird dropping a piece of bread on a section of the accelerator has, according to the Register, shut down the whole operation.

The bird dropped some bread on a section of outdoor machinery, eventually leading to significant over heating in parts of the accelerator. The LHC was not operational at the time of the incident, but the spike produced so much heat that had the beam been on, automatic failsafes would have shut down the machine.

Wow, that's -- what's the word I'm looking for? Pathetic. And by pathetic I mean damn yeah I left that baguette there. YOU AREN'T DESTROYING MY WORLD, LARGE HADRON COLLIDER! Next time I'm bringing jelly.

Baguette Dropped From Bird's Beak Shuts Down The Large Hadron Collider (Really) [popsci]

Thanks to Futuju, Stephen, Kristi, you've got mail and sham, who tried to train squirrels to sabotage the LHC with acorns but the little bastards just kept hiding them.

Oct 22 2009 DO NOT WANT (To Pet): Chinese 'Cat Girl'

Normally I love making fun of other people's misfortune, but it's sad when it's a six year old girl. Hopefully this is fake though cause it's coming from The Sun. Although, this IS China we're talking about here, which is notorious for freaky cat shit.

Li Xiaoyuan, from Fengkai in southern China, had a small birthmark on her back just months ago, which has since grown to cover her entire back and parts of her arms and face, The Sun reports.

"None of the other children want to play with her, they are calling her cat-girl and are really mean."

A surgeon at Zhaoqing City Dermalogical l Hospital in China's Guangdong province said Li Xiaoyuan may have a rare skin disease that makes normal moles run amok.

I swear, I can't stand it when moles run amok. You know what you need to do? Pour gasoline down all their holes then light that shit. BOOM! Woops -- must have found the gas line. Remember folks: call before you dig.

Chinese 'cat-girl' baffles doctors [ninemsn]

Thanks to Sam, Turtle Boy.

Oct 20 2009 Scientists Want to Develop Robotic Cheetah To Chase You Down, Dine On Your Carcass

Because life is progressively becoming a series of nightmares, scientists want to develop a robot that mimics the movement of a cheetah so they can chase us down and maul us to death. Why did I even get out of bed this morning? Oh, right. Well why did I even wake up this morning?

Professor Sangbae Kim designer of the Stickybot and a Robotic designer at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Is trying to understand how he can replicate natural animal mechanisms by creating a robot inspired by the cheetah.

The idea is to build a prototype robot from a construction of lightweight carbon-fiber-foam that will then be able to match the cheetah's speed of 70 miles per hour.

Over the next 18 months, Kim and four other MIT graduate students are going to start constructing the prototypes. Starting with a computer model of the robotic cheetah to establish the optimal limb length, weight, gait and torque of the hip and knee joints.

It's an ambitious project. Current wheeled robots are efficient, but can be slow in rough terrains. For instance, iRobot's PackBot, which is used by the U.S. military, can only travel at speeds of up to 5.8 miles per hour.

I'm sure this seemed like a good idea to somebody at some point, but it's not. Like I don't have enough to worry about without a 70 MPH cheetah-bot running around. Also, like four children. And you wonder why daddy drinks in bed all day!

Cheetah Inspired Robot [geekygadgets]

Thanks to Excaliber, who I will use to slice through these bastards like room temperature butter.

Oct 16 2009 Okaaaay: Children's Giant Gaping Jaws Shirts

These are two $25 hoodies designed by Mouthman that, when a child crosses their arms, appear as though they're going to eat you. Now I know that one's a dinosaur, but rest assured I would never make out with a child's elbows. Seriously. You know, that pose reminds me of middle school when you'd wrap your arms around yourself like that and pretend you were making out with someone against a bank of lockers. Except it was just you, and the other kids would start laughing. But not with you, AT you. And then the tears would start to fall. I just wanted to fit in so bad!

Mouthman Hoodies (with a whole bunch of other designs)
via
Huge fanged mouth hoodies [boingboing]

Thanks to b00m, Peter and Aubrey, who don't wear hoodies because they mess up their beautiful manes. RAWR!

Oct 15 2009 Didn't Need To See That: Hello Kitty Anatomy

Ever wonder what was inside Hello Kitty? Me neither, I just assumed it was hairballs and maybe one of those toy mice. Boy was I wrong -- apparently she has guts. Aaaaaah I just want to lick them!

As part of the Dr. Romanelli x Hello Kitty collaboration we see the release of the "Anatomy" toys. The toy comes in two colorways and features a true Dr. design, revealing the inner organs of the iconic character. The toys have been produced by Medicom Toy.

Wow, so it's a real toy. That's cool. I guess you have to teach your kids about anatomy somehow. And no, NOT BY LETTING THEM SHOWER WITH YOU. Also, I like the Band-Aids on Hello's heart, I thought that was a nice touch. TELL ME WHO HURT YOU, KITTY, I'LL KILL THEM! Also, I'm no vet but you might not what that turd floating so close to your vital organs.

Hit the jump for the other color and a shot of the two models together.

Continue Reading " Didn't Need To See That: Hello Kitty Anatomy "

Oct 13 2009 Something's Not Right: Google Street View Car Spots Deer Crossing Fail In Canada

That doesn't look like any deer I've ever seen. But maybe they used that picture because they want you to slow down like an elephant. Elephants, after all, are notoriously lumbering beasts. Not unlike -- wait for it, wait for it -- mammoths! I don't care if you are frozen solid, consider yourself burnt you woolly mammaries!

Google Maps (actual location)
via
Google Street View confirms Elephantitis strikes deer population in Canada [autoblog]

Thanks to fdsy, who once saw a children crossing sign with a picture of Sasquatch. Hey, some kids look like that.

Oct 9 2009 Cool!: Beluga Whales Can Blow Bubble Rings

So apparently beluga whales know how to blow bubble rings, making them perfect for children's birthday parties and arguably the smartest creatures in the ocean. You hear that merfolk? Your finned asses just got demoted!

And while they chug through the water at a sluggish 2 to 5mph, their mental power more than makes up for their slowness. Scientists don't really know why Belugas - like their fellow marine mammals, the dolphins - are fond of blowing bubbles and then chasing them. But it's likely that, just like children, they simply enjoy messing about.

Some scientists have called Belugas the most intelligent creatures on earth. But don't confuse that large forehead with a huge brain.

It is actually filled with a lump of wax, which is thought to help the whales communicate. In fact, they are so talkative - using chirps, squeals and squeaks - that their nickname is 'the canary of the sea'.

Yes, 'the canary of the sea'. Not to be confused with 'the poisonous chicken of the sea', which is the Japanese Puffer Fish. I ate twelve and still lived! NOW WHO'S THE DEADLIEST CATCH COMPETITIVE EATER?! This guy.

Hit the jump for several more of the ring-blowing fun.

Continue Reading " Cool!: Beluga Whales Can Blow Bubble Rings "

Oct 7 2009 I Like Turtles: Woman Birthing Drybones

This is a mammogram ultrasound of a woman who, quite clearly, is gonna give birth to a Super Mario character. It came with the following note:

I think maybe Amy has been playing too much Nintendo....

(When you work around designers - it only takes an off hand half-mention of something visual for it to end up in a photo.)

Congratulations, Amy. Maybe your little Drybones will be the minion to finally put those pesky Mario Brothers under! Then, Peach will be mine. MWAHAHAHAHA! Suck it, Bowser! No I mean it -- you look like a dinosaur.

Photo

Thanks to PolarBearAttack, who will be the last thing you ever see before everything fades to white. Snowstorm!

Sep 30 2009 You'd Be Better Off Making Your Own: Max's Wolf Suit From Where The Wild Things Are

This is a reproduction of the wolf suit worn by Max in Maurice Sendak's iconic Where The Wild Things Are (soon to be a major motion picture!) manufactured by Opening Ceremony. I thought it was pretty damn cool until I saw they're charging $610. Now it's not. At all.

"by staring into their yellow eyes without blinking once", max was made the king of the wild things. you can achieve his look far more easily with max's iconic wolf play suit. identical to the one illustrated by maurice sendak and brought to life by spike jonze, our collaborative piece with the director features a super soft faux fur one piece with six brown buttons down the front, a snap off faux raccoon fur tail, attached fingerless gloves, and a hood with attached ears and a snap closure at the neck.

Yeah, I'm just gonna make my own, thanks. And by make my own I mean have one of you folks do it. Last time I tried making my own costume I woke up with my head sewn to the arm of the couch and a cat sitting on my cheek bare asshole. TUCK YOUR TAIL UNDER NEXT TIME, GOD!

Product Site
via
$610 Max Suit [buzzfeed]

Thanks to Stephanie, Carlos and jack, who all thought it was a bunny costume.

Sep 23 2009 I Want To Ride One Into Battle: Coyotes And Wolves Are Breeding, Creating 'Coywolfs'

Seen here sulking because his likeness didn't make the Three Coywolf t-shirt, is a coyote/wolf hybrid. Personally, I would have named them wolfoties, but that's because I'm awesome. Oh, wait, per Wikipedia: "Where the cross-breeding of animals is concerned, the father's species gives the first part of the offspring's name." I don't know if that has any bearing on this or not, but I'm trying to be scientific (look at my lab coat!).

New DNA evidence reveals that coyotes have bred with wolves in the the northeastern United States, turning mice-eating coyotes into much larger animals with a hunger for big prey, such as deer.

The resulting "coywolves" may, however, benefit ecosystems, since they appear to be filling niches once occupied by wolves that were eradicated by humans.

Given where these animals came from and the degree of documented genetic diversity, the researchers can tell that a few coyote females mated with male wolves north of the Great Lakes.

BOOYA -- WHO WAS RIGHT!? I just thought they should be wolfoties because it sounds sweeter, but now there's actual reason! God, am I good or what? Just saying, I also name babies. And that tune.

Coyote + wolf = new breed of predator [msnbc]

Thanks to fdsy, who breeds lion/panther hybrids and makes really cool armor for them.

Sep 21 2009 Reptilian Crime Fighters: Spiderman Lizards

Apparently Spiderman fans are getting their radioactive panties in a bunch over Agamas, lizards with a coloration that resembles that of the superhero. Best reason ever to get a pet? Probably not.

The vivid red-and-blue colouring is almost uncannily like that of the Marvel superhero, and comic book fans have been flocking to exotic pet shops to snap them up.

Native to Kenya, the rock agama (Agama mwanzae) is unable to throw webs, but can change colour - the brightly coloured males will change brown at night or if frightened. They can also run on their hind legs, and - like Spidey - can scale vertical walls.

As many of you may know, I was an amateur herpetologist in a past life. So I like lizards. BUT NOT TROUSER SNAKES! Not speaking of which, did I ever tell you about the time I put a poison dart frog in my mouth? Because that was the end of that life. The time after I tried stealing a grizzly bear's cub!

Hit the jump for another shot of the red and blue bastard.

Continue Reading " Reptilian Crime Fighters: Spiderman Lizards "

Sep 17 2009 OMG!: Kids Kill Gollum By Panama Lake

A group of teens hanging out by a lake in Panama saw the elusive Gollum climbing out of his cave and did what any respectable youths would do: beat it to death with sticks.

According to reports in Panama, the teenagers spotted the creature crawling out of a cave while playing in the town of Cerro Azul north of Panama City.

Fearing for the safety as it moved towards them, the youths claim they attacked the beast with sticks before throwing its lifeless body into a pool of water.

A hooked claw visible in one of the photos has been cited as evidence for the popular theory that the creature was a sloth that somehow lost its hair.

Wow you little assholes, you beat a hairless sloth to death. That's low. I mean, aren't sloths slower than turtles? You could have gotten high, had a four course picnic and taken a nap afterward and the thing would have still been like a foot from where it was before you packed the bong. That said, did you get the One Ring?! BECAUSE I MUST HAVE IT. I collect jewelry!

New 'Montauk Monster' spotted in Panama [telegraph]

Thanks to spoon platoon, Pesche and DoucheBag, who would have at least asked the poor bastard for an autograph first.

Sep 15 2009 I Smell Hoverboards!: Scientists Successfully Float Mice Using Magnetic Fields

That's right folks, scientists have successfully hovered mice using nothing but magnetic fields. You read correctly: no black magic this time! (I'm still skeptical)

Scientists working on behalf of NASA built a device to simulate variable levels of gravity. It consists of a superconducting magnet that generates a field powerful enough to levitate the water inside living animals, with a space inside warm enough at room temperature and large enough at 2.6 inches wide (6.6 cm) for tiny creatures to float comfortably in during experiments.

The researchers first levitated a young mouse, just three-week-old and weighing 10 grams. It appeared agitated and disoriented, seemingly trying to hold on to something.

"It actually kicked around and started to spin, and without friction, it could spin faster and faster, and we think that made it even more disoriented," said researcher Yuanming Liu, a physicist at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, Calif. They decided to mildly sedate the next mouse they levitated, which seemed content with floating.

I want to float! Remember that time in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory where Charlie and his alcoholic grandfather drank the Lifting Fizzy Drink and then floated around the bubble room? Yeah, I did that one time when I was tripping. It was awesome. Well, until I swallowed a bubble and got the hiccups. I was hiccuping colors!

Mice Levitated in Lab [yahoonews]

Thanks to Totex, who once made his assistant hover before somebody in the audience yelled, "I can see the wires!" and ruined the illusion.