Nov 18 2009 Today Only: Zombie Vampire Robots Shirts

If you're not familiar with shirt.woot, congratulations, and welcome to the internet. There's lots of stuff in this series of tubes, including, and virtually limited to: misinformation and porn. Also, Geekologie and stuff for sale. And speaking of stuff for sale, $10 will get you this Zombie Vampire Robots from Space shirt (shipped!) TODAY ONLY. I could take this time to explain how shirt.woot and woot.com work and even brag about the number of bags of crap I've gotten (ZERO BABY, YEAH!) but I'm not going to. If you want the shirt, go buy it, if not, don't come crying to me tomorrow when you decide you want it after all and it's not for sale anymore. Because you know what you'll get? A cold shoulder penis Popsicle shoulder.

UPDATE: Sold out, sorry chumps. May appear again in the reckoning.

Shirt.woot (will be a different shirt tomorrow)

Thanks to Melissa, Julian, Aaron and Kiraly, who have gotten little to no work done during the current woot-off. Nice, guys, glad you don't work for me.

Nov 12 2009 You Fools!: Government Convinced Martians Were Going To Make Contact In 1924

In 1924, during Mars's opposition (when Earth, on its inner orbit, passes between the Sun and Mars) the US Navy sent a telegram alerting all its stations to be on the lookout for possible alien contact from the red planet. WOW!

Turns out that during the 1924 Mars opposition--when Mars would be closer to Earth than it had been since 1804--the secretary of the Navy sent a telegram to all naval stations asking them to "COOPERATE ASTRONOMERS WHO BELIEVE POSSIBLE THAT MARS MAY ATTEMPT COMMUNICATION BY RADIO WAVES WITH THIS PLANET WHILE THEY ARE NEAR TOGETHER."

BWAHAHAHAHA -- Martians! Like, aliens from Mars! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! I've got news for you: there aren't any aliens on Mars. Pluto, yes, but they're so pissed off we reclassified their home as a dwarf planet they don't have anything to say to us.

UPDATE: I lied, turns out they do have something to say: "F*** you -- have fun with the global warming".

Navy was ordered to listen for Martians in 1924 [scifiwire]

Thanks to junkyard dog, who eats scrap metal and tires and shit because that's what junkyard dogs do.

Nov 2 2009 Mmmm, That's Milky: 648 Megapixel Milky Way

This is a 648 megapixel composite (higher-res version HERE) of the Milky Way created by physicist (and all around badass) Axel Mellinger. Good lookin', Axel.

Physicist Axel Mellinger spent nearly two years traveling 26,000 miles across South Africa, Texas and Michigan. What does he have to show for it? Well, he's cobbled together a stunning 648 megapixel panorama of the Milky Way as seen from Earth, using 3,000 individual photographs. The Central Michigan University professor wants to make the image available for planetariums, as it's large enough to serve educational purposes. It even shows stars that are 1,000 times too faint to be seen by the human eye, so this is a Milky Way like you've never seen.

That IS a Milky Way like I've never seen. Get it? BECAUSE THERE'S NO CHOCOLATE OR NOUGAT LIKE THE CANDY BAR! Yep *cracking knuckles* I can already tell today's gonna be a good day.

Photo: stunning 648 megapixel image of the Milky Way [dvice]

Thanks to Closet Nerd, who sends enough tips to be out already.

Oct 30 2009 Russia To Build Nuclear Powered Spaceship

You read correctly: Russia plans to build a nuclear powered spaceship. I smell a new cold cool lukewarm war coming on! ADVANCE THE DOOMSDAY CLOCK!

Roscosmos, Russia's Federal Space Agency has a new design for a manned spacecraft powered by a nuclear engine. Anatoly Perminov, the head of the agency, told reporters yesterday the goal of the Megawatt-class spaceship was "implementing large-scale space exploration programs."

Perminov added that this new spacecraft -- which will have a preliminary design by 2012 -- is supposed to help Russia maintain its edge in space, and possibly allow travel to the Moon or Mars. But Anatoly Koroteyev, president of the Russian Academy of Cosmonautics and head of the Keldysh research center, told RIA-Novosti that setting up permanent base on the moon was still out of the question.

Listen, I'm all for atomic energy, but I can't imagine the aliens being too thrilled about the Ruskies launching an atomic missile in their direction. AND YOU WONDER WHY THEY COME TO EARTH AND STICK THINGS IN OUR ASSES.

Поехали! Russia Plans Atomic-Powered Spaceship [wired]

Thanks to Nick, who built a nuclear reactor in his parents' basement but got grounded when they found it.

Oct 21 2009 Oh Wow: Illegal Alien Halloween Costume

This is a Illegal Alien Halloween costume that's just been pulled from Target and Amazon. I wouldn't wear it, and not just because masks make it harder to drink.

Many are outraged over an "Illegal Alien" costume that depicts its wearer as a space alien in a prison jumpsuit brandishing a giant "green card." Understandably, those concerned over immigrant rights see this as a swipe at the Hispanic community.

The products official description reads:

"He didn't just cross a border, he crossed a galaxy! He's got his green card, but it's from another planet! Sure to get some laughs, the Illegal Alien Adult Costume includes an orange prison-style jumpsuit with 'Illegal Alien' printed on the front, an alien mask and a 'green card.'"

Listen, I promised myself I wouldn't use this blog to push my own political agenda on you folks, so I'm not going to. But I am going to use it to shamelessly self promote and sell some t-shirts. So buy my book and some t-shirts, damnit.*

*Book and t-shirts possibly coming soon. Maybe.

'Illegal Alien' Costume Being Pulled from Some Store Shelves [hispanicbusiness]

Thanks to Alex, who has been a pirate four years running and is going for a fifth. Of rum. HIYO!

Oct 13 2009 Aliens Are Here, Apparently Vodka Drinkers

Aliens were recently spotted (well, not literally) hovering over Moscow and playing with the clouds above the city because they have that technology and like to make our meteorologists jealous for sucking so bad at predicting the weather (you said no rain today, jerks!). And don't even try to tell me there's some other reasonable explanation for this video, because there isn't. Even Stephen Hawking agrees with me, and that guy knows his stuff. Isn't that right, Stephen? STEPHEN?! Need I remind you you're parked precariously close to the stairs?

Youtube

Thanks to Sergey, melissa and roy, who would have at least thrown a rock at it or something.

Oct 7 2009 New Giant Ring Discovered Around Saturn

Because space is awesome and full of mysteries (and butt-naked aliens), scientists just recently discovered a freaking huge new ice-and-dust ring around Saturn. I want it for engagement!

Although the ring dust is very cold -- minus 316 degrees Fahrenheit -- it shines with thermal radiation.

No one had looked at its location with an infrared instrument until now, Clavin said.

The bulk of the ring material starts about 3.7 million miles from the planet and extends outward about another 7.4 million miles.

The newly found ring is so huge it would take 1 billion Earths to fill it, JPL said.

1 billion earths -- that's a lot! Not as many as you could fit in my stomach, but I've been expanding it with balloons. I'm gonna be a drug mule!

NASA telescope discovers giant ring around Saturn [comcastnews]

Thanks to Calabasa209, who has been to space and knows things. Things you wouldn't even believe. I'm talking wormhole shit. Makes great fertilizer!

Sep 30 2009 Video Game Deletes Files Off Your Computer

Lose/Lose is a video game created by Zach Gage that plays like a traditional space shooter, but with a twist!

Lose/Lose is a video-game with real life consequences. Each alien in the game is created based on a random file on the players computer. If the player kills the alien, the file it is based on is deleted. If the players ship is destroyed, the application itself is deleted.

Although touching aliens will cause the player to lose the game, and killing aliens awards points, the aliens will never actually fire at the player. This calls into question the player's mission, which is never explicitly stated, only hinted at through classic game mechanics. Is the player supposed to be an aggressor? Or merely an observer, traversing through a dangerous land?

Why do we assume that because we are given a weapon an awarded for using it, that doing so is right?

I didn't actually bother reading all that because oh I dunno, I WAS TOO BUSY WHIPPING SOME ALIEN ASS! Unfortunately, the bug-eyed bastards got me in the end. Now, what happened to Photoshop?

Zach's Porfolio (game is available for download there)

Thanks to Luciano, who managed to kill all the aliens AND save the princess AND see Samus Aran naked because the man is a damn hero.

Sep 29 2009 Death By Plastic: Gallery Of LEGO Monsters

This is a small gallery of LEGO monsters made by various artists. They are all scary and might kill you. Sure they're really just a bunch of interlocking plastic bits, but has that ever stopped me from choking on them? No, it hasn't. The Hannibal Lecter style mask my mom makes me wear does. I WILL EAT YOUR FACE OFF! Just kidding. NO I'M NOT! Yes, I really am. PSYCHE, JUST PUT YOUR EAR BETWEEN THE BARS. DO IT NOW!

Hit it for the monsters, including a pretty sweet Predator bust.

Continue Reading " Death By Plastic: Gallery Of LEGO Monsters "

Sep 16 2009 We're Saved!: Astronomers Discover Solid Planet Outside Of Our Solar System

Unfortunately, it's solid lava and has a daytime temperature of 3,600 degrees Fahrenheit. Still, I'd live there. With Satan. You hear that, my fiery little bitch? I SAID LIGHT THE GRILL.

As scientists search the skies for life elsewhere, they have found more than 300 planets outside our solar system. But they all have been gas balls or can't be proven to be solid. Now a team of European astronomers has confirmed the first rocky extrasolar planet.

The planet is called Corot-7b. It was first discovered earlier this year. European scientists then watched it dozens of times to measure its density to prove that it is rocky like Earth. It's in our general neighborhood, circling a star in the winter sky about 500 light-years away. Each light-year is about 6 trillion miles.

Well folks, it's been real. But I think it's time for your Geekologie Writer to hit the big red 'BLAST-OFF' button and shoot himself to Corot-7b. And like that saying goes, "Shoot for the moon. Even if you make it, your dad will still call you a failure."

Found: Firm place to stand outside solar system [yahoonews]

Aug 23 2009 They're Coming: Space Invaders Lamp Shade

This Space Invaders lamp shade is available from meninos in both ceiling and table varieties for 60 bones. Each side of the cube features a different invader from the game and is sure to scare the crap out of you on your way to the kitchen in the middle of the night. Just sayin', I used to have a Frogger lamp in the dining room and some of the shit on the walls is so high I can't even reach it. Dinner anyone?

Product Site

Thanks to Tizer, who knows the only acceptable lamp shade comes in dinosaur form.

Aug 17 2009 British Government Releases UFO Files

The British government, in an attempt to cleanse its fish and chip stained hands, has released previously confidential documents regarding little green men who come to stick things in your butt while you're sleeping (elves).

The National Archives on Monday released the government's complete file on the "Rendlesham Forest Incident" of December 1980, one of Britain's most famous UFO sightings.

Halt reported that two servicemen had noticed "unusual lights" about 3 a.m. in the woods outside the gates of RAF Woodbridge, a U.S. base in eastern England. He wrote that patrolmen sent to investigate saw "a strange glowing object" in the forest.

The metallic, triangular object "illuminated the entire forest with a white light," he wrote.

The next day, investigators found depressions in the ground and unusual radiation readings. That night many personnel -- including Halt himself -- saw a pulsing "red sun-like light" in the trees that broke into five white objects and disappeared.

I mean, is it not common knowledge by now that aliens exist. Because if they didn't, where did *rummaging around in ass* THIS come from?!? And no, this isn't just a television antennae with aluminum foil wrapped around it. Okay, so maybe it is. Still, there's something else in there, I can feel it...
...
...
...a dinosaur toy -- I've been looking for that!

Britain publishes more UFO files, but few answers [yahoonews]

Thanks to Brad, who once slept with an alien chick and didn't even bother phoning her home the next day. Bad form, Brad.

Aug 13 2009 Why Not?: Send A Text Message To Aliens

HelloFromEarth.net is a website where you can submit text messages to be broadcast to Gliese 581d, a planet 20-light years away that may or may not support life (but 100% does). You have until the 24th of the month to submit your texts. Aaaaaaand here are some awful examples of why the aliens are gonna come kill us all.

Come here and take me with us. Here everyone is crazy.

Ever heard of Jesus? He's pretty awesome. Yay space travel!

... hi....... hehehehehhehehehehee (runs off giggling like a little school girl at lunch over a cute boy)

Of course, not everyone can be an idiot moron, so thankfully there were a couple people who actually know how to talk to aliens.

You are cordially invited to an Interplanetary BBQ. 6.00pm, 4th October, 2452 at my place BYO Meat and Beer. RSVP: Year 2100 Cheers

Junjun, I love you forever. Although we are different and our love is not accepted by others,I cant stop loving you.I want to share my dream with you forever.

Hell yeah, Junjun, get you some! Share that dream. Share it ALL. NIGHT. LONG.

HelloFromEarth

Thanks to Katie and Harsh, who accidentally sexted the aliens. Nice going, guys (forward them to me).

Jul 2 2009 The Aliens Are Watching Our TV Programming

This is a little diagram showing how far our television broadcasts have traveled out into space already (I had to cut the image, full size version HERE). As you can see, the aliens orbiting Procyon are just about ready for some Sopranos action. Then, they'll smash their televisions because they're advanced enough to know there's nothing good coming after.

The Aliens of the Star Iota Horologii Are Just Watching Captain Kangaroo Now [gizmodo]

Thanks to Julian, who once made out with an alien chick while secretly watching a Friends rerun over her shoulder.

Jun 25 2009 Stoned Wallabies To Blame For Crop Circles

The title alone might be the most profound thing I've ever written. I smell Pulitzer! So yeah, apparently wallabies are getting into medical poppy fields in Australia and going nuts. Whee!

"The one interesting bit that I found recently in one of my briefs on the poppy industry was that we have a problem with wallabies entering poppy fields, getting as high as a kite and going around in circles," Lara Giddings told the hearing.

"Then they crash," she added. "We see crop circles in the poppy industry from wallabies that are high."

Great, next they're gonna start breaking into cars and selling themselves to koalas to pay for a fix. And right when I was about to visit Australia too. Damn you, junkie wallabies!

'Stoned wallabies make crop circles' [bbcnews]

Thanks to Graf Zeppelin, SquidgyB, Marty the farmer, Ross and Jonny, who can only make McDonald's runs when they're high.

Jun 22 2009 Lookin' Sharp: Klingon Inspired Baby Products

Want your child to grow up a powerful warrior with a mountain range for a head? Then you're in luck, thanks to this traditional Klingon blade inspired crib! You just place your little tyke in there, occasionally throw a lion in the room for him/her to battle, and six years later, PRESTO, you're arrested for child neglect. Also, you have a pack of hungry lions living in your nursery.

Hit the jump to see a rocking horse and baby rattle of the same style.

Continue Reading " Lookin' Sharp: Klingon Inspired Baby Products "

Jun 7 2009 The Aliens Are Coming: Sheep In A Circle

This is a picture of sheep in Herefordshire, England forming a perfect circle all by themselves because the aliens are coming. And aliens, at least according to science, hate circles. Some people believe the shape was created by a farmer dropping feed in a circular pattern, but those people are crazy.

Photographer Russell Bird, who captured the amazing scene, said:"I was quite taken aback. I couldn't believe what I was seeing," he said.

Bizarrely, he then spotted another circle three fields away, but was unable to take a picture with both "formations" lasting around 10 minutes before dispersing.

Estate agent Mr Bird added of the scene in Kington, Herefordshire: "They moved around inside and were almost filling the gaps in.

"The only reason this circle came to an end was that the farmer came in with a tractor and some food."

Did you read that? If you answered, "No, I was too busy digging my tinfoil helmet out of the hall closet", congratulations, there may be hope for you yet.

Forget crop circles - now we've got a mysterious SHEEP circle [mailonline]

Thanks to naas, who's smart enough to keep a roll of industrial strength duct tape by the bedside.

May 26 2009 13,500 Pages Of Data Etched On A 3" Disk

The Rosetta Disk is a 3" nickel disk that has been etched with over 13,500 pages of information on how to read and understand the world's languages in case aliens get tired of sticking things up our butts and want to get their learn on. It represents over 1,500 languages and requires a 500x microscope to read a single page. You hear that, aliens -- don't forget your microscopes (read: leave the probes at home).

Hit the jump for a close-up that isn't close enough.

Continue Reading " 13,500 Pages Of Data Etched On A 3" Disk "

May 6 2009 Another Day, Another Star Wars Wedding

Duncan Thomson, 41, and Sammi Gardiner, 39, just got married on Star Wars Day in a Star Wars themed ceremony. And you know what they say about a couple that Star Warses together: they, uh, probably go to conventions and collect action figures?

During the wedding, Mr Thomson told his bride: "I promise to protect you from carbon freezing and promise to protect you from the Dark Side, through hyperspace and into the far reaches of the galaxy."

The couple had to remove certain Star Wars references from the 20-minute civil service because "Jedi" is a recognised religion, he added.

The bride's ring was made out of meteorite found in Canyon Diablo in the US, engraved with: "May the 4th be with you."

The couple, from the Isle of Wight, even invited the movie's director George Lucas, who wrote back to them saying he was unable to attend.

Oh really, George was 'unable to attend', huh? Do you think he was really unable or just TOO BUSY BEING A GIANT DICK AND TURNING HIS BACK ON HIS FANS. *flicking George the bird* You see this, George -- this one's for you. Yeah, and this ain't no regular bird either -- that's a Millennium Falcon, bitch!

Star Wars inspires couple's bizarre sci-fi wedding [telegraph]

Thanks to Tiago, who plans to marry in a Geekologie-themed wedding. Nice, Tiago, but NO ROBOTS.

May 5 2009 We Are Not Alone: Alien Skull Spotted On Mars

That's right folks, we now have 100% conclusive evidence there are, in fact, dead aliens on Mars. Or rocks, possibly just rocks.

Internet forums are full of chatter about the picture, taken by a panoramic NASA camera known as Spirit.

One alien-spotter speculated: "The skull is 15 cm with binocular eyes 5 cm apart. The cranial capacity is approximately 1400 cc.

"There appears to be a narrow pointed small mouth, so this creature most likely is a carnivore."

Another joked: "The coronal ridge shows ample structure to support the musculature of antennae, although none are visible in this view.

Joke now, but it's all fun and games until you wake up with an antennae in your you-know-what. And by 'you-know-what' I mean your girlfriend -- she's gonna cheat on you with an alien. Hey, don't cry, film it.

'Alien skull' spotted on Mars [telegraph]

Thanks to Chuck Nunchuck and Julian, whose relationships with Martian lovers have all ended the same: with them getting the shaft. The cold, metal shaft.