Aug 17 2009 British Government Releases UFO Files
The British government, in an attempt to cleanse its fish and chip stained hands, has released previously confidential documents regarding little green men who come to stick things in your butt while you're sleeping (elves).
The National Archives on Monday released the government's complete file on the "Rendlesham Forest Incident" of December 1980, one of Britain's most famous UFO sightings.
Halt reported that two servicemen had noticed "unusual lights" about 3 a.m. in the woods outside the gates of RAF Woodbridge, a U.S. base in eastern England. He wrote that patrolmen sent to investigate saw "a strange glowing object" in the forest.The metallic, triangular object "illuminated the entire forest with a white light," he wrote.
The next day, investigators found depressions in the ground and unusual radiation readings. That night many personnel -- including Halt himself -- saw a pulsing "red sun-like light" in the trees that broke into five white objects and disappeared.
I mean, is it not common knowledge by now that aliens exist. Because if they didn't, where did *rummaging around in ass* THIS come from?!? And no, this isn't just a television antennae with aluminum foil wrapped around it. Okay, so maybe it is. Still, there's something else in there, I can feel it...
...
...
...a dinosaur toy -- I've been looking for that!
Britain publishes more UFO files, but few answers [yahoonews]
Thanks to Brad, who once slept with an alien chick and didn't even bother phoning her home the next day. Bad form, Brad.
May 5 2009 We Are Not Alone: Alien Skull Spotted On Mars
That's right folks, we now have 100% conclusive evidence there are, in fact, dead aliens on Mars. Or rocks, possibly just rocks.
Internet forums are full of chatter about the picture, taken by a panoramic NASA camera known as Spirit.
One alien-spotter speculated: "The skull is 15 cm with binocular eyes 5 cm apart. The cranial capacity is approximately 1400 cc."There appears to be a narrow pointed small mouth, so this creature most likely is a carnivore."
Another joked: "The coronal ridge shows ample structure to support the musculature of antennae, although none are visible in this view.
Joke now, but it's all fun and games until you wake up with an antennae in your you-know-what. And by 'you-know-what' I mean your girlfriend -- she's gonna cheat on you with an alien. Hey, don't cry, film it.
'Alien skull' spotted on Mars [telegraph]
Thanks to Chuck Nunchuck and Julian, whose relationships with Martian lovers have all ended the same: with them getting the shaft. The cold, metal shaft.
Mar 22 2009 I Believe I Can Fly: Terrafugia Takes 1st Flight
Remember the Terrafugia "roadable aircraft" (drivable plane)? Well it took its first test flight earlier this month, and as is evident from this video after the jump, it was boring as shit. The Terrafugly has a 450-mile flying range, converts from plane to plane that can drive in 30-seconds, and is still scheduled for sale in 2011 for about $200K. Which means your kids can probably expect a wealthy neighbor crash-landed in the backyard sometime soon. ZOMG, his eyeball is hanging out of the socket. Quick -- poke it back in with a stick!
Hit the jump for the video and a bunch more pictures (one of which gave me a little twitter down there).
Continue Reading " I Believe I Can Fly: Terrafugia Takes 1st Flight "
Jan 18 2009 Anybody Seen My Foil Helmet?: UFO Destroys Wind Turbine, Aliens Make Off With A Piece
The alien apocalypse is upon us! Those other-worldly asslovers have already started sabotaging our power systems, starting with most crippling -- yes, the wind turbines.
The facts: The turbine suffered a catastrophic failure at night around the same time many locals reported "glowing spheres" in the sky. The manufacturer says the turbine was built to withstand extreme conditions. And the blade that snapped off still hasn't been found.
That's right folks, we can finally add destruction of property and theft to the long list of rectal crimes aliens have committed here on Earth. Apparently the little wonk-eyed bastards hate renewable energy and just all around jerks and litter bugs. Which, honestly, I've been trying to tell you all for years. Remember the time I woke up with a burger wrapper and Styrofoam cup in my ass? Exactly.
Breaking: Aliens hate wind power [dvice]
Jan 8 2009 New Space Toilet Ready To Drop (!) In 2014
The Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency (JAXA) believe they've solved the age-old problem of how to shit in space.
The current ISS toilet is a Russian-built, western-style commode that sucks waste away like a vacuum cleaner. Use of that toilet requires practice before heading to space, particularly because an improperly seated user has the potential to create a messy situation.
Clean and easy to use, the envisioned space toilet is designed to be worn like a diaper around the astronaut's waist at all times. Sensors detect when the user relieves him or herself, automatically activating a rear-mounted suction unit that draws the waste away from the body through tubes into a separate container. In addition to washing and drying the wearer after each use, the next-generation space toilet will incorporate features that eliminate unwanted sound and odor.
No offense, JAXA, but that sounds a little like overkill. Here's a much simpler and cost effective solution: shit yo pants! Then put them in a bag, and throw them out the nearest air-lock. Extra points for hitting a passing UFO.
Next-generation space toilet ready in five years [pinktentacle
Thanks to abovedefault and Praveen, who don't need vacuum-diapers because they digest everything. That's right, everything. Even gum.
Oct 28 2008 OLD!: UFO Guy Probably Tripping Constantly
You've probably seen this video before, but I hadn't. Does that make you better than me? Oh fo sho. Anyway, it's some guy that has sneaking acid onto planes down pat, rambling about a UFO siting in Chicago last winter. He reminds me of the rainbow lady, if the rainbow lady was a dude telling me my face was melting off.
Thanks to Miriam, who loves antiques as much as I do.
Aug 19 2008 Man Designs IFO, Seeks Funding
Kevin Brown is a man. A man who designed an IFO and is now seeking funding to start production. Introducing the VTOHLJATT: A Vertical Takeoff Hover Landing Jet Aerial Terrestrial Transport (you've gotta admit, it's got a ring to it).
The vehicle has four models starting with the single seat version, capable of lifting the pilot and one passengers. The 2 seater version is capable of lifting the pilot, co.-pilot and 2 passengers and the 4 seater version is capable of lifting the pilot, the co.-pilot, engineer, navigator and 3 passengers. Each version configuration is maintained by an equal weight to thrust and lift ratios.
All vehicles will enable the occupants to take off and land vertically, by use of 4, jet vectored thrust engines. counter rotation turbo fan-jets; appox: 17" Dia. by 37.8 in Length, 300 pounds in dry weight. Capable of thrusts of up to 1200 Static 4 time that, well 4800, you see my point.The purpose of the vehicle is to enable this vehicle to maneuver in very tight, confined, spaces. Models depending on size of Occupancy range from 4 square meters to 10 square meters. The overall size of the vehicle will be no larger than an ordinary, domestic compact import car for the single seater version.
So, who's investing? Somebody better be, because I want one of these things. Think about it: owning your very own IFO! Finally, a chance to turn the table on those wonk-eyed aliens. Nobody probes this this ass and get away with it! Well, except a very special cellmate of mine. Miss you, call me when you're out.
Hit the jump for a bunch of different models of the craft, and email Kevin at kevbro007[at]hotmail[dot]com if you want Kevin to contact you with more info.
Aug 15 2008 British Ministry Of Defense Plans To Start Using Bomb-Dropping UFOs Within The Year
The British Army plans on deploying these little UFOs within the next years to drop bombs and bugs (listening devices, not earwigs) behind enemy lines.
Without any external blades and using a two stroke petrol engine, the unmanned aerial vehicle can enter a building either through a window or door and send back high-quality images on its video camera feed.
With efforts being made to make an electric engine that generates little noise, the Fenstar's inventors, hope it could be quiet enough to snoop into rooms and plant listening devices without being seen or heard. Similarly it could also plant explosive devices to kill the enemy.
Yeah, you definitely need to work on the noise factor, otherwise that thing'll be PEW PEWed out of the sky quicker than you can say "Holy shit, miniature aliens!" But seriously, how come every piece of new technology has to be used for war. Planting bombs? How about planting trees? I'm talking weed here folks. I don't know what that has to do with any of this, but it definitely does now. Am I right? Well let me finish. Say, you gonna eat the rest of that? Okay, so the enemies smoke the weed, right, and then -- seriously, give me a bite, I've got the munchies. Mmm, this is good -- what do you call it? A wet-nap, huh? It's real lemon-y.
Flying saucer that can plant explosives or bugs set for frontline [telegraph]
Thanks to Blumama, from Redpapa.
Jul 25 2008 I Told You So: Alien Visitations And UFOs Are Real, Confirmed By Apollo 14 Astronaut
Dr. Edgar Mitchell, sixth man to walk on the moon (in a Hollywood studio, according to my grandmother), is claiming that aliens are real and have made human contact.
'I happen to have been privileged enough to be in on the fact that we've been visited on this planet and the UFO phenomena is real,' Dr Mitchell said.'It's been well covered up by all our governments for the last 60 years or so, but slowly it's leaked out and some of us have been privileged to have been briefed on some of it.
Chillingly, he claimed our technology is 'not nearly as sophisticated' as theirs and "had they been hostile", he warned 'we would be been gone by now'.
An article, along with the whole 9:00 radio interview is posted after the jump if you're interested. But I'll say this: don't believe everything an astronaut tells you. Although he does admit that the majority of alien stories you hear are fake. Ha, reminds me of the time I stuffed a broken car antennae up my ass and called the local news.
Hit it for the interview.
Jun 17 2008 Chinese Firm Builds Identified Flying Object
Harbin Smart Special Aerocraft, a Chinese company, has built a prototype flying saucer. It took the company over 12 years and $4 million to make the thing, and that's not a picture of it. That's some art exhibit by Japanese artist Mariko Mori. It just happens to be the picture that came with the story since the flying saucer is still top secret or something. 4 feet in diameter, the propeller-powered flying dish can fly to over 1,000 meters, take off and land vertically, and go about 50MPH. The unmanned object can be programmed to fly a predetermined path or remotely controlled from allegedly great distances and was designed "for aerial photography, geological surveys, and emergency lighting." Alternatively, it could be used to play pranks on this poor dork.
Chinese company develops 'UFO': report [breitbart]
Thanks Mark and Melissa, you two want to go thirdies in on one?
Jun 11 2008 Romanian Fighter Jet Gets Hit By UFOs, Aliens Arrested For Flying Under The Influence
On October 31st, 2007 a Romanian Mig 21 Lancer was struck by not one but four UFOs and the government has now released footage of said incident. As can be unclearly seen in the untranslated video at 0:49 and 1:16, the aliens were flying what appear to be the black smoke from Lost when they hit the plane. Afterwards, the pilot was able to land the aircraft without incident.
Lt. Col. Nicolae Grigorie said a video recorded by cameras onboard the plane depicts "two solid bodies, which are not translucid." Grigorie said authorities are working to determine what the objects could have been. "They couldn't be birds because there are no birds in Europe able to fly so high. And they couldn't be ice bodies because it was a clear sky -- neither could they be pieces of another plane or a meteor," he said.He said the government has ruled out rocket launches and ground artillery fires as causes of the incident.
When asked what he thought the objects were, Grigorie exclaimed, "F***ing aliens, yo! Tape your buttcheeks together before bed, the wonk eyed bastards are coming!"
UFOs hit Romanian plane [upi]
Thanks Mikal, I'm now officially adding aliens to my apocalyptic fears
May 30 2008 UPDATE: Alien Video To Be Shown To Media Today, Now With Frame Grab From Video
You may have heard of Jeff Peckman, he's that lunatic in the picture (looking even spacier than the father of LSD) that's trying to get Denver to put together an Extraterrestrial Affairs Commission to deal with alien encounters and the subsequent probings. Well now he's convinced he has video footage of a real-life alien that proves their existence. The video will be shown to the media today, but is not allowed to be filmed, as it's part of a documentary set for public release next month.
An instructor at the Colorado Film School in Denver scrutinized the video "very carefully" and determined it was authentic, Peckman said.Peckman, 54, said the video was among the reasons he was "compelled" to launch the proposed ballot initiative, which has generated news as far as South Africa.
"It shows an extraterrestrial's head popping up outside of a window at night, looking in the window, that's visible through an infrared camera," he said. The alien is about 4 feet tall and can be seen blinking, Peckman said earlier this month.
Way to try to sell some shitty alien documentary guys, but I'm not falling for it. Listen -- I know the easy thing to do when you wake up in the morning with a tender ass is to blame aliens, but sometimes you need to man up and admit there IS a possibility that you got too drunk and told your girlfriend to stick something up there. I'm just saying, it happens.
UPDATE: Frame grab picture that was handed out to the media added after the jump.
Continue Reading " UPDATE: Alien Video To Be Shown To Media Today, Now With Frame Grab From Video "
May 20 2008 R/C Helicockter Interrupts Russian Speech
Did you read the post title carefully? That's right folks, somebody made a flying phallus and flew it into a news conference when Russian chess grandmaster and political activist Garry Kasparov was giving a speech. No idea if Vladamir Putin was the man behind the styrofoam salami, but he most certainly was. A translation of the website I got it from? Sure.
I do not have any sympathy for the Kremlin nor holuyam rumolovtsam nor kasparovsko-limonovskim dissenting, but this event fun ...
в общем, как я понял, румоловцы запустили на каспарова сию аццкую боеголовку: In general, as I understood it live on rumolovtsy kasparova retirement hellish warhead.From the video, obviously, that this "person Kremlin" kasparov strangely was wound circles over Limonovym until it is not brought down any of brave fighters kasparovskih.
Well there you have it, straight from the keyboard of some Ruski. And hellish warhead is right. Seriously though -- so someone flies a weapon of mass (erectile) dysfunction into your conference, big deal. Just make a penis joke and move on. I mean at least it wasn't pierced.
Arguably NSFW picture and VIDEO after the jump.
WARNING: It's a flying, relatively realistic styrofoam penis.
Continue Reading " R/C Helicockter Interrupts Russian Speech "
Feb 15 2008 Video: The Secret Life Of Cell Phones
This is a little CGI video of what your cell phone does when you're not around. Who would have thought that shit had aliens in it!? Not me. I mostly posted this video because it made me flashback to something similar that happened to me at a Cracker Barrel. There I was, tripping balls and trying my damndest to focus on the Country Ham Platter before me. But this particularly spry piece of ham kept trying to sneak his ass off the plate! I had to continually scold and stab him to keep him away from the edge. And even though I had my fork and knife on top of him he managed to dive to the floor when I was gone watching my face melt in the bathroom mirror.
UPDATE: Turns out that wasn't really a similar experience.
Unbelievable animation: close encounters of the desktop kind [dvice]
Sep 4 2007 Personal UFOs Now Available
You may have seen this video already, but I'm here to announce that the vehicle featured, the Moller M200X is to be available before the end of the year. Depending on the number of orders, prices should be around $90,000 for a model that is limited to 10 feet of levitation (and thus requires no FAA certification). A rescue configuration capable of docking with skyscrapers will run around $450,000. Now call me crazy, but I'm going to wait for the model that doesn't require a crane overhead to keep it from dropping out of the sky and killing me.
A few more videos of other Moller hover-things after the jump.
