Nov 20 2009 Wow, Video Game Religion -- Mass: We Pray

Mass We Pray is a video game to get that Holy Spirit all up in your system and have fun with the whole family at the same time. With fun interactive mini-games like 'Conduct the Choir' and 'Genuflecting', you're sure to make Jesus proud (who's ALWAYS watching, BTW). Looks fun, doesn't it? That said, this is viral advertising for Dante's Inferno dropping in February. But I want to see how many people didn't bother reading this far and think it's real and then make comments about it. Because you know there's gonna be some. Then they're gonna wish they could delete their comments but they won't be able to and we'll all laugh and call them names! Trust me, its WJWD.

Official Site

Thanks to mensa, Nicole, MoD and daniel, who are praying all the theaters showing New Moon spontaneously combust.

Nov 18 2009 You're Gonna Burn In Hell!: Dino Car Decal

Listen, I'm not here to tell you to follow Jesus or smoke buddha or whatever, I'm just here to report the things I see and maybe make a couple drug connections in the process. And this is a 'dinosaur eating the Jesus fish' car decal. Love it or hate it, you've got to admit it's the first time you've ever seen a t-rex holding something with its little arms. And THAT, my friends, is biblical.

Product Site
and
Picture

Thanks to Logisticz and martyn, who are pissed dinosaurs didn't make it onto the ark. Me too guys, me too.

Oct 19 2009 South America + Africa = Tyrannosaurus Rex

Proof that God loves dinosaurs, when South America is superimposed over Africa, it forms a Tyrannosaurus Rex head. Now don't take this lightly -- several people died getting this information out, as the Catholic Church has been trying to keep this from us for centuries. Suck it, Dan Brown, I own you!

Picture

Thanks to b00m, who found out if you superimpose me on top of a dinosaur you get a picture of me having sex with a dinosaur. Cool!

Apr 14 2009 'God's Hand' Spotted Using Space Telescope

That's right, son, spotted for the first time since like the year -5 billion: God's hand!

The image, taken by NASA's space-based Chandra Observatory telescope, shows an X-ray nebula 150 light years across.

NASA says the display is caused by a young and powerful pulsar, known by the rather prosaic name of PSR B1509-58.The finger-like structures are apparently caused by "energizing knots of material in a neighboring gas cloud," NASA says.

DAAAAMN! But seriously, God, you might want to have that pinky looked at.

NASA photos show giant cosmic hand [cnn]

Thanks e., I would walk 150 light years, and I would walk 150 more, just to be the man who walked 300 light years to fall down at your door.

Apr 10 2009 Anything Can Happen: Stripper Turns Nun

Anna Nobili is a 38-year old stripper veteran who has been dancing the lap for 20 years all across Europe. But not anymore! She has seen the light, and now only dances for Jesus. I'd tithe her.

Sister Anna, originally from Milan, says she was 'inspired' during a visit to the shrine of St Francis in Assisi. Deciding she wanted more out of life, Miss Nobili has joined the the order of the Sister Workers of the Holy House of Nazareth.

"I was throwing away my life dancing for men. I was being used as a drug by people who wanted to see me dance."

Next week she will be in Rome to perform a ballet called Holy Dance, dedicated to episodes from the Bible, for senior cardinals and bishops.

I apologize if you already watched the video, I meant to warn you it makes no sense, features no quality strip-club action, and only briefly shows Anna doing her new dance for God (around 2:45). The rest is an interview in Italian that I couldn't understand. Still, for 38, she's not the worst looking stripper I've ever seen. Fun fact: they let the dancers perform pregnant in West Virginia. It's true. And I can say that because I was born there. THAT'S RIGHT, I'M WILD AND WONDERFUL, BITCHES, WHAT?!

Sister Anna dances for God after 20 years as a lapdancer [couriermail]

Thanks to Julian, who allegedly saw an arm pop out during a lap dance and *HORF HORF HORF HORF HORF* I can't believe I just wrote that.

Feb 28 2009 Astronomers Photograph the Eye Of God

Finally, a clear shot of God's eye.

The European Organisation for Astronomical Research in the Southern Hemisphere, aka (mercifully) ESO, has released an impressive image of the Helix Nebula captured by La Silla Observatory in Chile.

The nebula, lying at around 700 light-years away in the constellation of Aquarius, has quickly been dubbed the "Eye of God", for obvious reasons.

I've got news for you folks: this is not, in fact, God's real eye. How do I know? Well you remember in Raiders of the Lost Ark when the Germans finally opened the Ark of the Covenant? What happened? Precisely -- ghosts and shit flew out and shot through their stupid Nazi faces and killed them all. That one dude even melted. So, you still alive? Exactly.

Stargazers peer into the 'Eye of God' [theregister]

Thanks to Tim, who knows the true eye of God burns like a laserbeam.

Feb 6 2009 Google Maps Spots God, God Loves Hugs

This is a Google Street View of what is undeniably God reaching out to give a cornfield and 2320 600th Avenue, Hartsburg, Illinois a big, loving hug. Beautiful, God. Now not to criticize or anything, but you want to join me at the gym tonight? I'm doing arms.

God Caught on Google Street View Giving the World a Hug [gizmodo]

Dec 16 2008 Parents Take Halo 3 Away From Teenage Son, He Shoots Them Both, Killing Mother

17-year old Daniel Petric shot both his parents, killing his mother, for taking his copy of Halo 3 away from him. You can hit the link to read the story of how it went down, but I don't feel like copying it here.

Lawyers for the accused delivered a brief statement at the opening of the trial, explaining that their client had be under a large amount of stress after being homebound for a year due to a snowboarding accident with nothing to do but watch television and play video games.

It's just an amazingly heart-wrenching story, made even more so by the following exchange between father and son related by Mark Petric (Daniel's father) during testimony:

"Dad, I'm so sorry for what I did to Mom, to you and to the family," Daniel Petric said, according to his father. "I'm so glad you are alive."

"You're my son," Mark Petric responded. "You're my boy."

Teen Shot Parents Because They Took Away Halo 3 [kotaku]

Thanks Jesus and Kevin.

RIP Susan Petric

Nov 21 2008 God's Facebook: Genesis Edition

This is God's Facebook page from the time of Genesis. Unfortunately, I only have screenshots of it because the dude won't accept my friendship request. You sell your soul to the devil for a blogging job ONE TIME....

Hit it for the rest, which I thought was pretty clever.

Continue Reading " God's Facebook: Genesis Edition "

Nov 10 2008 Thanks A Lot Big Guy, All I Got Was An Extra Tooth: God Gives Man 260-Horsepower

Allegedly Allah gave Sayyed Muhammad Ahmad Abdallah the power of 260 horses, roughly the equivalent of 30,000 men. He has been married 24 times, fathered 35 children, and can bend coins with his eye socket and rip them with his hands. WTF! He has to have sex with his 4 current wives at least 15 times a day (in total) and can't shake hands with someone without breaking all their fingers. Needless to say, masturbating is completely out of the question.

Youtube

Thanks to Ian, who God actually gave 330-horsepower -- and leather seats.

Sep 11 2008 Two Laser Eyed Cats In A Staring Contest

Every time you masturbate God makes two cats with laser eyes have a staring contest TO THE DEATH. ZOMG, I've killed so many kitties.

Hit the jump for one more picture, which is actually a sculpture by Steve Bishop made with two ceramic cats and fluorescent tubes.

Continue Reading " Two Laser Eyed Cats In A Staring Contest "

Aug 28 2008 WWJD?: Probably Not Play Guitar Praise

Guitar Praise: Solid Rock is a Guitar Hero rip-off available next month for $100. It will only be available for PC and Mac though, so you'll have to talk your PS3 or 360 into converting. How do you play?

Two guitars can be connected at the same time, so two guitarists can play together - either on the same track or one on lead, the other on bass. Players press the fret buttons and strum on the strum bar in time to the color-coded notes as they scroll onscreen.

Sounds original. The game comes loaded with Christian favorites like Jesus Is My Drinking Buddy and I Wanna Roundhouse The Devil In The Gooch. And who can forget that Christmas favorite Santa, You Fat Bastard, You Ate All The Cookies Now Where The F*** Are My Video Games? It's available for pre-order now, but that's not what Jesus would do. Jesus would wait to read some reviews and then steal it from Wal-Mart. Trust me, I went to Sunday school.

Guitar Praise - Knocking Off Guitar Hero.. For Jesus [kotaku]

Thanks to Julian and Sam, who have both met Jesus at rock concerts.

Aug 12 2008 Sunday School: The Holy Ghost Church Rave

This is a bunch of people going nuts and flailing around as the Holy Ghost fills their souls to the point of explosion, all set to techno DRUM AND BASS. I thought it was okay, particularly starting around the 1:00 mark. I definitely don't remember any of this at my Sunday school, but I did meet Jesus once at a rave. In retrospect, he could've just been a guy with long hair wearing a glowstick halo, but if that was the case then answer me this: how'd he get such good ecstasy? Thanks Jesus, best roll EVER.

Original video, sans techno, after the jump in case you care.

Continue Reading " Sunday School: The Holy Ghost Church Rave "

Aug 8 2008 Eye Candy: Lightning Strike In Slow Motion