Sep 15 2009 Snake With Foot Found, Killed In China

I am seriously reconsidering my decision to procreate in China. What with all the winged cats and footed snakes, I don't want my children to grow up with three legs like their father, you know? My beneficial defects aside, I must admit: as an amateur herpetologist, I'm a little skeptical about a footed snake. It seems almost like it swallowed a lizard and then that bastard was all like, "oh hell naw!" and kicked through the snake's bitchass stomach.

Dean Qiongxiu, 66, said she discovered the reptile clinging to the wall of her bedroom with its talons in the middle of the night.

"I woke up and heard a strange scratching sound. I turned on the light and saw this monster working its way along the wall using his claw," said Mrs Duan of Suining, southwest China.

Mrs Duan said she was so scared she grabbed a shoe and beat the snake to death before preserving its body in a bottle of alcohol.

I call shenanigans. Everybody knows snakes lost their right to feet after that one in Eden kept trying to touch Eve's boobs. Yes, I've read the Bible. He ended up stealing her nipples. And that, my flock, is where dried apricots come from. Amen.

Snake with foot found in China [telegraph]

Thanks to carmen, Matty and Chuck Nunchuck, who all have snaked feet. And this little piggy went to GAAAAAAAHH!!

Sep 8 2009 Chinese Farmer Builds Himself A Submarine

Further proof that Chinese farmers can build virtually any mode of transportation with common household ingredients, 34-year old Tao Xiangli went and built himself a fully functional sub. Man the torpedoes!

The Chinese man has built himself his very own sub all on his own, spending two years and 30,000 yuan ($4,385) on the project. It's driven by electric motors and propellers, and even has some extra fixings, including a periscope and a depth control tank.

Tao mainly cruises the beach taking underwater pictures of girls' bikini bottoms, but recently used the sub to attempt mating with a whale. IT TORE HIS ASS UP! I could have warned you Tao, animals that big don't always play nice. *ahem* I'M LOOKING AT YOU, NESSIE!

Hit the jump for a shot of Xao maneuvering his dinghy through a drainage ditch.

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Jul 24 2009 Wait, Where'd He Go?: More Urban Camo

This is a picture of Chinese artist Liu Bolin and an assistant demonstrating his incredible skill in blending in with his surroundings. Can you see him? Me neither.

He claims they make a statement about his place in society. He sees himself as an outsider whose artistic efforts are not always valued, especially in his native country.

Standing silently in front of his chosen scene, in locations all around the world, the 36-year-old uses himself as a blank canvas.

Then, with a little help from an assistant, he paints his body to merge as seamlessly as possible with what is behind him.

Now I'm not going to point any fingers, but I swear I just heard the shower curtain cough. Okay, it just moved. I'm pointing fingers now. AT YOU, LIU! DUM DUM DUM!

Hit the jump for five more, all of which may or may not contain an artist painted as something else (I never saw him).

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Jul 23 2009 Quick, I Need A Shovel!: Some Dinosaurs May Have Burrowed Underground In Cold Weather

In steamy dinosaur news, paleontologists now believe that several different species of dinosaur may have sought refuge underground in cold weather.

The world's oldest known dinosaur burrow, recently discovered on the southeast coast of Australia, suggests that some dinos went underground to escape extreme weather.

The burrow is strikingly similar to another one found in Montana in 2005, which held the remains of a 96-million-year-old dinosaur family.

"Right now burrowing dinosaurs might look like an exception to the rule," he said. "But I wouldn't be surprised if more species [dug burrows]. Ten years from now it might be considered commonplace."

Now I'm not saying I just dug a hole to China trying to find a hibernating dinosaur, but I am riding in a rickshaw and we did just hit a flying cat.

Dinos Burrowed Underground In Cold Weather [neatorama]

Thanks to Matt, who is training one of those truffle-sniffing pigs to find dinosaur burrows.

Jul 22 2009 Sadness: Lost iPhone Prototype Drives Chinese Factory Worker To Suicide

And in a bit of sad news, a Chinese factory worker jumped to his death after losing track of an iPhone prototype he was responsible for shipping to Apple.

The dead worker, Sun Danyong, 25, worked in product communications at Foxconn Technology Group, a Taiwanese firm that makes many Apple products at a massive factory in the southern city of Shenzhen, near Hong Kong.

Sun was responsible for sending iPhone prototypes to Apple, and on July 13 he reported that he was missing one of the 16 fourth-generation units in his possession, the newspaper reported. His friends said company security guards searched his apartment, detained him and beat him, the paper reported.

Apple Inc. responded Wednesday by saying its suppliers are required to treat workers with dignity and respect.

Blood phones, just sayin'.

Chinese Worker Kills Self Over Missing iPhone [foxnews]

Thanks to Gino, who would have just burned the factory to the ground to cover up the loss. Smart thinking.

Jul 20 2009 Kid Drinks Gasoline To Be Like Transformer

Some 14-year old kid in China has been drinking gasoline since he was 9 to become more like a Transformer. Unfortunately, he's become more like an idiot moron.

The youngster was so impressed that he began drinking fuel on a daily basis to "obtain energy" and become a mighty warrior like the Transformers.

"Since my son start to drink gas, his intelligence quotient dropped sharply and he couldn't figure out addition and subtraction of sums within 100," the father said. "Before that, he was a very smart boy, and he could even repair the television. But now he doesn't know the answer of 7 plus 17."

To the boy's credit, I don't know what 7 plus 17 is either (87?). Still, I love the smell of gasoline as much as the next guy, but actually drinking it? That's just crazy talk. I love robots. So was that.

Transformers fan drank gasoline to gain energy [russiatoday]
via
Optimus Prime Cocktail [runawaytheologian]

Thanks to Anthony, who once drank bleach to be more like a washing machine.

Jul 2 2009 Just Sad: 2-Year Old Smoking Cigarette

There's no way around it, this is just plain sad. And it would have been the most heartbreaking thing I'd ever seen all day if my little sister didn't get hit by a garbage truck. Kidding, streetsweeper.

China : 2yo Lights Up Cigarette And Smokes It. [liveleak]

Thanks to Weeze, who, slow down and take a breath man, it looks like you're about to die.

Jun 9 2009 Cuuute!: Hello Kitty 'Castle' Opens In Shanghai

It looks more like a house to me, but like the saying goes, "one man's house is another He-Man's Castle Grayskull". So who am I to argue? BESIDES THE BEST DAMN (MASS) DEBATER MY HIGH SCHOOL EVER SAW! Anyway, this is a Hello Kitty castle that recently opened to the feline loving public in Shanghai, China. I have no idea why, I guess it's like a museum or something. A museum of cuteness! See ladies, I can be sensitive. Even more sensitive than old people teeth. But I can still eat ice cream. I'll be at the parlor, call me.

Hit the jump to see several more of the cat ladyness.

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May 8 2009 Man Builds Scrap Massage Chair For Wife

Lin Shuseng, too cheap to buy his wife one of those $4 battery operated personal massagers (or one of the more expensive ones that looks like a wand that women use to, you know, stir the soup), decided instead to spend 8 years building her a scrap metal massage chair to soothe her painful joints (she suffered in the meantime). Wow, Lin, that's real love right there. Also, the chair from Saw. OMG YOU'RE GOING TO KILL HER!

Chinese retiree uses scrap to create steampunk robo-massage chair [dvice]

Feb 23 2009 Boy Born With Cat Eyes, Can See In The Dark

Nong Youhui is a Chinese boy who was born with cat eyes that glow in the dark and enable him to see like a cat in the night (possibly as a result of nuclear waste). He can allegedly see as well in the dark as you can in the light. Except -- WICKA-POW! -- now you can't see shit because your eyes are swollen shut. I warned you, don't look at me funny! Okay, so I forgot to warn you, but still, you should know better.

Dad Ling said: "They told me he would grow out of it and that his eyes would stop glowing and turn black like most Chinese people but they never did."

Experts believe he was born with a rare condition called leukodermia which has left his eyes with less protective pigment and more sensitive to light.

Man, I want leukodermia. So what if I can't go out in the daylight, I don't anyways. But at least when I'll be able to see if the toilet seat's down at night. Am I right ladies? I pee sitting down too!

Cat-boy can see in the dark [thesun]

Thanks to Boing, who doesn't need cat-eyes to see you while you sleep because he's standing over you with night-vision goggles.

Feb 22 2009 Office Chair Explodes, Sending Shrapnel Into Boy's Rear, Killing Him

In today's sad story, a 14-year old boy in China allegedly bled to death after the compressed gas canister used to raise and lower his office chair exploded, launching a barrage of shrapnel into his b-hole. Now I hate to start wildly speculating who's at fault here, but it's obviously Microsoft. BCOD, folks.

Hit the jump for a picture of the underside of the chair.

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Feb 11 2009 Chinese Death Bus Kills You, Pilfers Organs

Wow. The bus seen here is one of forty in China used as a mobile execution chamber for criminals sentenced to death. And no, it doesn't run over you.

The buses provide a setup for lethal injections, and the acts are carried out on streaming video so local authorities can observe and ensure that everything is done legally.

Critics say that the buses help the government secretly harvest organs to sell to the west, as there's already a doctor on hand to administer the injection and they never show the bodies between execution and cremation.

The government is secretly harvesting criminal's organs for sale to the west? Wow, that is freaking wrong. China, get with the program, that shit ain't right.

China's Death Buses Deliver Executions, Organ Harvesting On the Go [gizmodo]

Psst. Over here. Looking for a liver.

Thanks to Hector, who doesn't ride the bus because he bought a car. Nice, Hector, wanna scoop me and go to the mall?

Feb 6 2009 9-Year Old Writes Finger Painting iPhone App

Lim Ding Wen is a 9-year old Chinese boy. But not just any Chinese boy, Ding Wen wrote a finger painting iPhone app for his younger siblings.

Lim, who is now fluent in six programming languages, first started using a computer when he was two-years-old, discovered programming aged seven, and has since completed more than 20 programming projects.

His latest application, Doodle Kids, allows users to draw pictures using their fingers and then clear the screen by shaking the iPhone.

Pretty impressive, huh? Not to his father!

"Ding Wen is an above average boy with an interest in computers, especially Apple IIGS and Macs, likes to do programming, and that's it. Doodle Kids is an extremely simple program that can be done by anybody. Everybody can program - if Ding Wen can, so can you," he wrote.

Wow, dad, don't be too proud. "Who, Din Wen? Eh, he's nothing special. And just between you and me -- I think he's retarded. Mother's side of course."

Nine-year-old writes iPhone code [bbcnews]

Thanks to Lisa, who was programming VCRs at four.

Nov 21 2008 Bridge Constructed By Shooting Cable-Carrying Rockets Across Huge Valley

Just look at that bridge. I was almost tempted to call it Photoshopped, but then I remembered I'm not a stupid idiot. The Siduhe Grand Bridge has been in construction for over 4 years and stands 2,132 feet above the ground below. Holy shit! One of the initial problems with building the bridge was how to get the 3,200ft long cables across the valley. The answer? Attach them to rockets and blast them across.

so you've erected the enormous towers on each side of the deep valley, deeper than any valley previously bridged. how do you get a pilot cable from one tower to the next? previous solutions have included: attaching the cable to a kite and flying it over (e.g. niagara falls suspension bridge), carrying one end by helicopter (e.g. akashi kaikyo bridge) and floating one end on a boat (e.g. brooklyn bridge). the brains behind the siduhe bridge decided to ignore all those options and break another record instead. they attached the 3200ft cables to rockets and accurately fired them over the valley, becoming the first people to do so.

Hell yes! Ah, ingenuity at its finest. And also, rocket power. PSSSSSHOOOW! But seriously, for a case of beer I'll let you shoot me out of a cannon. Two cases and I'll even wear a paper hat.

Hit the jump for several pictures of the actual rocket firings. Pretty cool stuff.

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Oct 20 2008 Company Allegedly Manufacturing $98 Laptop

Chinese company HiVision claims to be manufacturing a $98 laptop. What do you get for two dollars less than a hundred?

The specs are admittedly minimal: an ancient 400MHz CPU, 64MB or 128MB of RAM, a 7-inch LCD, and a 1GB flash drive for storage. Wi-Fi is built-in, and the machine runs either Linux or Windows CE (now there's a blast from the past). It's a stretch to call a WinCE device a "laptop," but the Linux version that these guys took extensive video of at a trade show earlier this month looks decently capable. Almost like a real computer.

Wow, "almost like a real computer". I've had pen and paper with better specs. ZOMG I just drew the interwebs! And also, a heart with your name in it. We should go steady.

$98 laptop claimed for October [yahootech]

Thanks to bangdango, who astutely observed that the laptop probably has AIDS.

Aug 28 2008 Another Day, Another Winged Cat

Another day, another cat sprouts wings.

A tabby from the Qingyan province in China recently sprouted a pair of fur-covered wings on his back during a hot-weather spell, the U.K.'s Daily Mail reported.

One cat owner, identified only as Feng, claimed her pet's wings were the result of stress from too many females desiring to mate with him, the Mail reported.

F***, now I'll never grow wings.

Hit the jump for a picture of Feng's winged cat (a different one) from a while ago, and a link to its story.

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Aug 26 2008 How To Slow Down Speeders In China

This is how local authorities decided to combat speeders on the Jing Zhuang highway in ShanXi province, China: with two 100 foot long, 2 foot high barriers that require motorists to slow down and wind their way through the passage. Hey, you know what else discourages speeders? Cutting their brake lines. Because then they can only go as fast as they feel comfortable hitting a tree. My wife sure as hell doesn't speed anymore. Or even drive for that matter. You see, she's dead. *sobbing*And the sad part is *sniffle* I hate cooking for myself.

Jump for one more picture of the foolproof anti-speeding deterrent.

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Aug 25 2008 Wait, Come Back: The Olympics Are Over

Well folks, the Olympics are over. And you know what that means: no more getting drunk at the bar and watching rhythmic gymnastics. Oh, and 100,000 used condoms. Wait, what?

The UNAIDS, the Beijing organizing committee BOCOG and International Olympics Committee are providing 100,000 condoms as part of a campaign on HIV prevention and anti-discrimination.

While sex is not an Olympic sport it is expected to be an activity in the Beijing village housing 10,500 athletes, all of whom are in great shape and with plenty of free time on their hands once knocked out of the Games.

First of all, sex should be an Olympic sport. And secondly, holy crap -- 100,000 condoms for 10,500 athletes? That's like each athlete having sex ten times. Twenty times if athletes only have sex with other athletes! I mean, shit, the last time I had sex twenty times it felt like my arm was gonna fall off.

Beijing provides 100,000 condoms for athletes [yahoonews]

Thanks to Hunter, who's smart enough to know the only good sports are safe sports.

Aug 14 2008 That's Freaking Huge!: Scale Model Shanghai

This is a scale model of what Shanghai will look like in 2020 if they complete all the buildings slated to be up by that time. The model takes up over 1,000 square feet and resides on the third floor of the Shanghai Urban Planning Museum. Pretty impressive Shanghai, but I completed a much larger scale model years ago. It was 1:2 scale replica of one of my nuts. Sadly, it was too big to display in the backyard. And that, students, is where the moon came from. This concludes your astronomy lesson for the day, tomorrow: how I invented black holes.

Hit the jump for several more worthwhile shots of the model.

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Jul 25 2008 This Is What Happens...

When your neighbors are a nuclear power plant.

The Chinese pig, dubbed 'Monkey Face', is apparently healthy despite being fugly as hell and having extra long back legs that cause it to hop around instead of walk. I gotta admit though, it's cuter than my sister's new baby.

Hit the jump to see the uncensored picture and be scarred and saddened.

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