Oct 22 2009 You're Doing It Wrong: Confidential British Anti-Leak Documents Leaked Online

Apparently a 2,400 page British document outlining how to prevent government officials from leaking confidential information to the internet has been leaked onto the internet.

The 2,400 page Defense Manual of Security, authored by the Ministry of Defense to help high-ranking military and defense officials keep documents safe from leaks, was published on Wikileaks, a Web site designed for anonymous leaks of documents from governments and other organizations, The Daily Telegraph reported Monday.

"Leaks usually take the form of reports in the public media which appear to involve the unauthorized disclosure of official information (whether protectively marked or not) that causes political harm or embarrassment to either the U.K. Government or the Department concerned," the document reads in its "Leaks of Official Information" section.

That's funny. Now I'm not saying I would have leaked the document as well, but I'll be damned if I'm reading 2,400 pages of jibber-jabber. Better to let the media summarize it for me. Hire me, government!

British anti-leaking document leaked [redorbit]

Thanks to Lee, who doesn't leak anything but beer.

Aug 28 2009 I Could Do Better: LEGO House Construction

Remember the story about the house in Britain that would be constructed entirely out of LEGO blocks? Well this is it, mid-construction. I have to admit, I'm a little disappointed that it has a wooden infrastructure. I thought the whole damn thing was gonna be LEGO, right down to the john.

This two-story Lego palace, which resides in the middle of a vineyard, sports a working bathroom, and is covered inside and out with bricks pieced together by 272 Legos. Over three million bricks were used to build the Lego pad, so doing some quick math here -- that's over 816 million Lego pieces!

I have no idea whether the math in that quote I used is correct or not, the important thing is that it's Friday and I am putting pants on for the first time this week and getting the hell out of here. Town, prepare to be painted red! With vomit. I like fruity drinks!

This Old House: UK Toy Master Builds House From Legos [geekstir] (with a whole gallery of construction pictures)

Thanks to jessica and Rogefgv, who once built a house of K-Nex but it was blown down by the big bad wolf and then he ate them. The end.

Aug 27 2009 Stripteas Teabags Aren't What You Think

Unless you thought they were teabags that cling to the side of your teacup via paper stripper, in which case, congratulations, you were correct. Unfortunately, unlike those novelty pens that showcase a naked women when you turn them upside down, you don't get to see any privates. Which is actually fine with me CAUSE I DON'T WANT NO MAN'S JUNK IN MY TEA ANYWAYS. Except you, Earl Grey.

Super sexy tea bags [newlaunches]

Thanks to Tim and sergei, who never miss tea time because they like to put on their big hats and be dainty.

Aug 17 2009 British Government Releases UFO Files

The British government, in an attempt to cleanse its fish and chip stained hands, has released previously confidential documents regarding little green men who come to stick things in your butt while you're sleeping (elves).

The National Archives on Monday released the government's complete file on the "Rendlesham Forest Incident" of December 1980, one of Britain's most famous UFO sightings.

Halt reported that two servicemen had noticed "unusual lights" about 3 a.m. in the woods outside the gates of RAF Woodbridge, a U.S. base in eastern England. He wrote that patrolmen sent to investigate saw "a strange glowing object" in the forest.

The metallic, triangular object "illuminated the entire forest with a white light," he wrote.

The next day, investigators found depressions in the ground and unusual radiation readings. That night many personnel -- including Halt himself -- saw a pulsing "red sun-like light" in the trees that broke into five white objects and disappeared.

I mean, is it not common knowledge by now that aliens exist. Because if they didn't, where did *rummaging around in ass* THIS come from?!? And no, this isn't just a television antennae with aluminum foil wrapped around it. Okay, so maybe it is. Still, there's something else in there, I can feel it...
...
...
...a dinosaur toy -- I've been looking for that!

Britain publishes more UFO files, but few answers [yahoonews]

Thanks to Brad, who once slept with an alien chick and didn't even bother phoning her home the next day. Bad form, Brad.

Feb 17 2009 Fail: Two Nuclear Subs Crash Into Each Other

In an unprecedented subbing fail, a British nuclear sub recently crashed into a French one. I've got the feeling somebody swerved out of their lane (read: the Frenchies, they're suckers for red wine).

Officials said the low-speed crash did not damage the vessels' nuclear reactors or missiles or cause radiation to leak. But anti-nuclear groups said it was still a frightening reminder of the risks posed by submarines prowling the oceans powered by radioactive material and bristling with nuclear weapons.

France said that Le Triomphant suffered damage to a sonar dome -- where navigation and detection equipment is stored -- and limped home to its base on L'Ile Longue on France's western tip. HMS Vanguard returned to a submarine base in Scotland with visible dents and scrapes, the BBC reported.

Just as I feared, they're making these stealth subs too stealthy. Next thing you know somebody's going to run into the Lock Ness Monster and kill poor Nessy. And, when it happens (and it will), we will finally know the truth: how delicious is monster BBQ?

British, French nuclear subs collide in Atlantic [yahoonews]

Thanks to Totex, who once caught a nuclear sub trying to sneak up the drain into his bathtub. And to Kyle, who once called Poseidon a bitch and lived to tell about it.

Jan 18 2009 Anybody Seen My Foil Helmet?: UFO Destroys Wind Turbine, Aliens Make Off With A Piece

The alien apocalypse is upon us! Those other-worldly asslovers have already started sabotaging our power systems, starting with most crippling -- yes, the wind turbines.

The facts: The turbine suffered a catastrophic failure at night around the same time many locals reported "glowing spheres" in the sky. The manufacturer says the turbine was built to withstand extreme conditions. And the blade that snapped off still hasn't been found.

That's right folks, we can finally add destruction of property and theft to the long list of rectal crimes aliens have committed here on Earth. Apparently the little wonk-eyed bastards hate renewable energy and just all around jerks and litter bugs. Which, honestly, I've been trying to tell you all for years. Remember the time I woke up with a burger wrapper and Styrofoam cup in my ass? Exactly.

Breaking: Aliens hate wind power [dvice]

Oct 30 2008 Oh My God, I'm Floating!: A Hover Chair

The Lounger is a $9,600 floating chair that will be on display at Britain's Stuff Live gadget show this weekend.

Inventor Keith Dixon, of Sussex-based Hoverit Ltd, said he was inspired as a child by the anti-gravity Landspeeder vehicles in the "Star Wars" films.

"The sensation you feel as you lie back and close your eyes is totally different -- like floating on a cloud," said a Stuff Live spokesman. Its 6,000 pound ($9,620) price tag may bring visitors back down to earth with a bump, however.

Floating on a cloud, huh? More like floating on a piece of hard molded plastic. Last time I felt like I was floating on a cloud I was getting my wisdom teeth pulled and high as Benjamin Franklin's kite on laughing gas. I jusht bit frew muh lip!

Rise above economic woes with the hover chair [reuters]

Thanks to Jack, who can hover without magnets. He's a magician!

Sep 8 2008 Giant Liverpudlian Spider Didn't Kill Anyone

Remember the giant robotic spider that was supposed to destroy Liverpool over the weekend? Well it didn't. From the reports I've read not a single person was bitten or squished. So maybe we do have a couple more years before the robots finally Tet Offend. Just kidding, a friend's Roomba told me we'll all be dead before Christmas. So you know what that means -- Santa better stuff his fat ass down my chimney early this year.

Youtube

Search La Machine, Liverpool spider or La Princess on Youtube to see a bunch more of the beast.

Sep 3 2008 Robotic Spider To Destroy Liverpool On Friday

A 50-foot robotic spider, which has been sitting dormant on the side of an office building since last night, is going to come alive on Friday and destroy the everliving shit out of Liverpool.

Weighing 37 tons and standing 50ft high, the spider is currently clinging to the side of Concourse Tower in the city.

The huge insect spotted in Liverpool is in fact entirely mechanical and part of a new piece of street theater organized to mark its year as Capital of Culture.

It is thought the insect will come down from its current position tomorrow and then 'wake up' on Friday before starting to explore the city.

Tens of thousands of visitors are expected in Liverpool over the three days to try and see the mechanical arachnid.

Make that tens of thousands of soon to be dead visitors. Seriously, would you rather take your chances trying to catch a glimpse of a giant robotic spider or, I dunno, live? You're still gonna go see it aren't you? Haha, I can read you like a graphic novel.

Hit the jump for several more pictures of the last thing a buch of Liverpudlians will ever see.

Continue Reading " Robotic Spider To Destroy Liverpool On Friday "

Aug 15 2008 British Ministry Of Defense Plans To Start Using Bomb-Dropping UFOs Within The Year

The British Army plans on deploying these little UFOs within the next years to drop bombs and bugs (listening devices, not earwigs) behind enemy lines.

Without any external blades and using a two stroke petrol engine, the unmanned aerial vehicle can enter a building either through a window or door and send back high-quality images on its video camera feed.

With efforts being made to make an electric engine that generates little noise, the Fenstar's inventors, hope it could be quiet enough to snoop into rooms and plant listening devices without being seen or heard. Similarly it could also plant explosive devices to kill the enemy.

Yeah, you definitely need to work on the noise factor, otherwise that thing'll be PEW PEWed out of the sky quicker than you can say "Holy shit, miniature aliens!" But seriously, how come every piece of new technology has to be used for war. Planting bombs? How about planting trees? I'm talking weed here folks. I don't know what that has to do with any of this, but it definitely does now. Am I right? Well let me finish. Say, you gonna eat the rest of that? Okay, so the enemies smoke the weed, right, and then -- seriously, give me a bite, I've got the munchies. Mmm, this is good -- what do you call it? A wet-nap, huh? It's real lemon-y.

Flying saucer that can plant explosives or bugs set for frontline [telegraph]

Thanks to Blumama, from Redpapa.

Jun 13 2008 Oh Great, We're Doomed: British Complete Skynet Network, Actually Calling It Skynet

Well folks, it's the beginning of the end. With the launch of their last communications satellite, the British have added the final link to their Skynet 5 communications system.

Skynet 5 is the latest iteration of a global communications system deployed by the British Armed Forces. The final satellite in the system was launched this week, and will allow high-bandwidth telecommunications between British forces located anywhere in the world. In addition to voice communications, it will allow data transfer and the remote control of robot airplanes, one of which is called "The Reaper." One of the manufacturers was quoted by BBC News as saying: "So, computers can talk directly to computers."

Haha, we're all f***ed. And here's the real kicker -- the system is actually privately owned and the British Armed Forces are only getting a piece of the bandwidth. Wow. Run for the hills, Terminators coming! Seriously, this can't be good. And while it's not the worst news I've ever heard, it takes second only to "Honey, I'm pregnant."

Sarah Connor Has Failed -- the British Just Built Skynet [io9]

Thanks Shawn, you know how I love bad news on Fridays

Apr 22 2008 Surgeons Implant Bionic Eyes In Blind Patients

Surgeons have successfully implanted "bionic eyes" (similar in design to this, but not this) in two blind patients, in an attempt to restore some of their vision.

The device -- the first of its kind -- incorporates a video camera and transmitter mounted on a pair of glasses. This is linked to an artificial retina, which transmits moving images along the optic nerve to the brain and enables the patient to discriminate rudimentary images of motion, light and dark.

The Argus II uses a video camera to capture images. These are converted into electrical signals, which are transmitted wirelessly to the implant behind the retina. The electrodes in the implant unscramble the signal to create a crude black-and-white picture that is relayed along the optic nerve to the brain. The brain can then perceive patterns of light and dark spots corresponding to the electrodes stimulated.

That's great news. I'm all for restoring sight to the blind, and this seems like a real promising technology. They throw in the ability to see through cereal boxes so you can spot the ones with secret decoder rings and I'll laser-pointer myself in the eye right now.

Surgeons give hope to blind with successful 'bionic eye' operations [timesonline]

Thanks to Neil, who can see through walls, for the tip

Nov 2 2007 The British Develop An 'Invisible' Tank

The British have allegedly developed an 'invisible' tank that will be ready for service by 2012. Basically the technology "uses cameras and projectors to beam images of the surrounding landscape onto a tank." While I can understand that it will probably be better than paint, I get the feeling it will only look 'invisible' if you're looking at it from the exact perfect angle. And obviously the picture above isn't real. The man behind the dream is the Ministry of Defense's Professor Sir John Pendry, who said the only real drawback was the reliability of the cameras and projectors. He then added "The next stage is to make the tank invisible without them - which is intricate and complicated, but possible." Proving beyond shadow of a doubt that the whole project is indeed run by a crackpot.

Army tests James Bond style tank that is 'invisible' [dailymail]

thanks to David, the man James Bond was modeled after, for the tip

Sep 14 2007 Non-Stick Gum Keeps Sidewalks Clean

British chemist Terence Cosgrove of Bristol University has developed a new chewing gum that is easy to remove and water soluble. Revolymer, Terence's horribly named company, plans to have the gum available in the next year. The breakthrough technology is a hydrophilic polymer that allows the gum to quickly dissolve in water. The gum, horribly named Rev 7, was easily removed from sidewalks and hair, and scored well in blind taste tests. This is swell, and I'm all about gum not crapping up sidewalks and the bottom of my desk, but how about taking this to the next level. I'm thinking bubble gum that can blown into a functional condom should the need arise. Not that snack size Doritos bags have ever done me wrong, but I'm looking for something with just a hint more class.

Non-Stick Gum Keeps Sidewalks Cleaner [gizmodo]