Apple Unveils The New iPad, Is What Was Expected

In an unsurprising announcement that shocked no one (I even dozed off for a little), Apple unveiled the next generation of iPad today and it has pretty much all the features that were expected and none of the ones I was hoping for (x-ray vision, 3.5" floppy drive, penis-shaped ON/OFF switch, etc.). A quick rundown:
- 2048 x 1536 Retina Display with 44% more color saturation for clearer-looking porn
- New A5X processor and graphics module with 4x previous graphics performance
- 5MP digital camera (equivalent to iPhone 4S's), can shoot 1080P video (because?)
- Dictation ability so you can talk to your iPad instead of typing and look like a crazy person
- 4G LTE compatable for faster cellular downloads on both Sprint and AT&T networks
- Available March 16th and priced at $499, $599 and $699 for 16, 32, and 64GB Wi-Fi only models and $629, $729, and $829 for 4G LTE compatibility.
Well, there you have it. I've never owned an iPad but always kind of wanted one but then seen the price and been all, whoa bro -- that...is a lot of beer. Do I need beer or do I need to be able to play Scramble with Friends on the shitter with a bigger screen than the one on my iPhone? "Neither -- you need hard liquor." HA -- you saw through my ruse! God, you really get me, don't you?
Apple's Official Site
and
New iPad HD: The Third Generation [gizmodo]
-
Because the crazy cat-lady is a rarely tapped video game demographic, a company has developed an iPad game designed specifically for cats. You, uh, do know crazy cat-ladies still connect to the internet through AOL and have no idea what iTunes is, right? Besides, Angry Birds ... / Continue →
-
I'm serious -- don't tell my granpda. He doesn't even know what an iPad is but he'll want to know, then you'll get sucked into a half hour conversation that will probably end with him falling asleep mid-sentence. This is the iRock (really?), a $1,300 rocking chair that genera... / Continue →
-
Well folks, to the surprise of not a single f***ing person, Apple announced the iPad 2 today. Are you going to get one? Kidding, I don't really care, I was just making conversation. BAD CONVERSATION. That's how little I care. The highlights, per Engadget: "Twice as fas... / Continue →

