First Place Will Be Mine!: Blue Shell Backpack

It's not actually modeled after a blue shell from Mario Kart, that's just what it reminds me of. Kind of like how Polo Sport cologne reminds me of freshman year when I'd douse myself with it pretending I was going out to pick up chicks until my roommate left, then stay in and LAN party my ass off with the rest of my Counter-Strike clan in the dorm (I WAS voted best smeller btw). Anyway, read this product description, which I suspect involved blowing a shit-ton of coke:

Expect rock star status when form meets function!... Kids of all ages can avoid anonymity with a prehistoric looking Mad Pax backpack that says they are one-of-a-kind. We add the punk, passion and purpose, dab out the drab and add the rad. Is it creature, myth or merely magic. Meshed tight and right, the result is a backpack of cutting edge design for the ages, all ages.

WTF WAS THAT? I mean besides Pulitzer worthy! Just when you think you've reached level 30 blogger status some little twerp product descriptor comes in and turns your whole laptop upside-down and shakes it right in front of all your friends and family until the porn starts falling out and you're all "THAT SHIT'S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!" even though you're not fooling anyone. ANYONE -- not even gramma.

Perpetual Kid Product Site ($60)

Thanks to rhino, who tried charging me once but I jumped out of the way at the last second. Then, when I was busy gloating, he gored me with his horn. Good one, jerk.

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• For The Ladies (And I): Futuristic Spiral High Heels

  January 4, 2013

  This is a pair of single spiral high heel (that's kind of similar to this thing) from designer Julian Hakes. It looks like something you'd see in a cheesy futuristic movie. It's not though, it's a real shoe and you can buy them in a bunch of different colors for around $205. ... / Continue →
• Backpack Couch With Compartments For All Your Stuff

  September 28, 2012

  This is the $2,060 Eastpak Sofa. It's a little sofa made out of backpack fabric that has a bunch of pockets for all your stuff. Like so many other things, I half want it and half think it's stupidest thing ever made. I would like it more if all the compartments were detachab... / Continue →