Man Attempts Gas Theft From Church Van, Sets Himself, Van Ablaze

Some moron decided it would be a good idea to attempt stealing holy gas from a church van. Only problem is, Jesus wasn't having it. BURN HEATHEN, BUUUUURN!

Blake King, 24, was reported in stable condition Wednesday in Vanderbilt University Hospital's Burn Center.

Evansville police report King was burned as he was using a cordless drill to drill into the gas tank of a 2001 Chevrolet van on the lot of Abundant Faith Church, 1228 Lodge Ave. Something sparked, according to the police report, catching the van on fire and burning King.

The fire leaves the church without one of its two vans, which was supposed to help transport youth members to St. Louis this weekend.

Officers arrived and found King, who told them he was burned when he stopped at 1228 Lodge Ave. to help another man who was on fire.

Firefighters and fire investigators found a cordless drill next to the van.

LOLWUT -- cordless drilling a gas tank?!?! Let's say you somehow managed to not set your dumbass on fire, what were you gonna do when the gas started flowing? Catch it in your mouth and spit it into a bucket? Okay that's actually pretty good.

Police: Man caught self on fire trying to steal gas from church van [courierpress]

Thanks to Dakota, who tried electric drilling a dairy truck once and ended up with nothing but a milk mustache. I'm not gonna lie, you look handsome.

• Today's Awesome Failure Award Goes To....

  April 2, 2009

  Well, actually, it's a tie. First, a liquor store robber who probably had his mommy drive him there while he finished his juice box. Police say a 19-year-old who tried to rob a liquor store sat down and cried after 76-year-old owner locked him in the store. The man was accuse... / Continue →
• Smart: Stolen XBox Located Using Controller

  December 17, 2008

  A Missouri State student returned to his dorm room only to find his XBox 360 had been stolen. But one of the controllers had been left, and was still picking up a signal. So, using the peripheral, the gamer was able hone in on the stolen console. Ketsenburg, who lives in Hut... / Continue →
• Man, AKA The Cheeseburglar, Assaults Girlfriend With Cheesy Deliciousness

  December 7, 2008

  Vincent Gonzalez assaulted his girlfriend with a cheeseburger. He's currently in the slammer with charges of battery, domestic violence and destruction of deliciousness. The victim told sheriff's deputies that she was eating with boyfriend Vincent Gonzales in her car when t... / Continue →