Giant 'King Koopa' Turtle Not As Extinct As Previously Thought (But Still Very Dead)

A giant-ass horned turtle (resembling Bowser) previously thought to be extinct for over 50,000 years may, in fact, have only died out 3,000 years ago. Break out the printing press, it's time to rewrite history books! Just wait till they find a live one.

Dozens of bones found in a 3,000-year-old archaeological site on Vanuatu [in the Pacific Islands] belong to a previously-undescribed species of meiolaniid, a turtle family that evolved 50 million years ago and resembled walking fortresses.

"This group of turtles is not known to have survived into the presence of humans. Now we can say that they met," said paleontologist Trevor Worthy of Australia's University of New South Whales.

The shell of one early meiolaniid species, known from fossils recovered in South America and named Stupendemys for its size, was 11 feet long and seven feet wide. The more modern Meiolania platyceps, found in Australia and Melanesia, had a relatively small five-foot-diameter shell, and weighed an estimated half-ton. All had armored club tails and horned heads.

Wait -- an eleven-foot shell? That's freakin' huuuuge. Listen, I love turtles as much as the next little zombie, but one thing's for certain: I wouldn't want one of these behemoths trying to crawl on my back and to fornicate. Get it?! Because turtles have sex so slow. This ass needs a rabbit!

Extinct, King Koopa-Style Giant Turtle Found on Pacific Island [wired]

Thanks to Jonathan, who may or may not be the actual "I like turtles" Jonathan. OMG -- lie to me if you have to!

• Jonathan The Zombie Would Be Piiiiiissed: Guy Attaches Wire Handles To Pet Turtles

  October 14, 2010

  Some jerk went and drilled holes through the shells of his pet turtles so that he could attach wire handles to them and pick them up easier. But turtles don't even like being coddled! Master Splinter, yes. "They do have nerves in their shells, so it would have been painful f... / Continue →
• CALL ME WHEN YOU HAVE A DINOSAUR: Scientists Promise Woolly Mammoth Cloning

  January 17, 2011

  Thanks to a new breakthrough in cloning technology, scientists are claiming we could have real-life woolly mammoths lumbering around Jurassic Pleistocene Parks in as little as four years. Really? THEN CUT THE CRAP AND GIVE ME A DINO ALREADY YOU WOOLLY WANKERS. Previous effor... / Continue →
• Don't Turn Your Nose Up At Me!: New Snub Nose Monkey Discovered, Soon To Be Extinct

  October 27, 2010

  Seen here looking like the unholy lovechild of Michael and Bubbles, scientists recently discovered a new species of monkey hiding out in the forests of Burma. Wow, that's a face not even a mother could love. Or -- OR -- be faulted for abandoning by a log. No wonder they're a... / Continue →