OM NOM NOM!: Candwich Canned Sanwiches
You know what the problem with sandwiches is? They're too hard to transport. What they need to do is invent specially-sized bags to tote them around in. Oh they've got those? WHERE THE F*** HAVE I BEEN?! Anyway, if you're too lazy to make a sandwich or worry your canned Coke will flatten it in your Alf lunchbox, there's Candwiches. Canwiches are canned sandwiches (NOT CHEESEBURGERS) and come in PB&Strawberry J, PB&Grape J, and Barbecued Chicken flavors. I'm gonna get one of each and mush them all together! Then vomit!
In related news, a major financier is being sued for fraud after collecting moneys to invest in commercial real-estate loans, only to turn around and invest in Canwiches instead. Can you blame him? These things are gonna explode on the market! Possibly from botulism.
In all, Travis L. Wright raised $145 million from 175 investors between 2001 and 2009, according to the suit. He only invested $6 million in the kinds of things he said he would be investing in, the SEC says.
Wright also spent $15 million of investors' money for his own expenses, according to the lawsuit. Among other things, he bought a house formerly owned by an unnamed pro basketball player. And he paved his driveway using cobblestones imported from France.
Oh man, wait till those investors get their hands on him. They're gonna open a Candwich of whoop-ass on that bastard. Possibly even a six-pack. You hear me, Travis? You gonna be eating Candwiches through a straw!
Thanks to Mike, who's trying to convince me to invest in his canned mashed potato business. Hmmm, I dunno.