Jul 27 2010Magic!: Seven Secret Keys Guard The Internet
I'm bein' for real yo! In case of catastrophic interweb meltdown, seven people across the globe have magical keys (possibly carved from witch's tits) that can reboot the tubes and restore porn to the masses. Well thank God!
The plan was drawn up by the internet domain name watchdog ICANN as a means to protect the internet in the event of a major attack on its infrastructure. The complete key can be used to reboot the systems at the heart of the internet which direct users to the genuine websites.
The BBC reports that UK-based business man Paul Kane is one of the key holders. He was given a smartcard which contains part of the root key needed to initiate the reboot, and plans to store that in a tamper-proof bag in a secure deposit box.Other key holders include US-based security researcher Dan Kaminsky, who has previously uncovered flaws in the internet directory Domain Name System (DNS).
What the -- WHY DIDN'T YOU GIVE ME A KEY?! Huh? You did but I sold it on eBay? Well I probably needed the drinking money, just gimme another one. Haha, what do you mean "why are you making another auction listing"? Booze doesn't pay for itself, stupid!
Not-so-secret seven hold keys to the internet [newscientist]
Thanks to The Kraken, who's gonna start randomly breaking tubes and wait to see what happens. SPOILER: You're gonna accidentally cut one of your tentacles. And to Chris B, who claims he has one of the keys. Nice try, Chris, but I recognize a Holiday Inn room key when I see one.
Reader Comments
1. Mecha-Hitler - July 27, 2010 3:49 PM
NlGGERS
2. Edge - July 27, 2010 3:52 PM
I'd give you a key, GW
3. Jaja - July 27, 2010 3:59 PM
mmmmm key :D
4. devaltree - July 27, 2010 4:03 PM
GW you seriously leave website ads intact on your system? *Shakes head* What browser did you snap that print screen from any how?
5. BobaFetta - July 27, 2010 4:03 PM
Are the keys full of chocolate! Mmmmmm.....Chocolate *drool*
6. ptitz - July 27, 2010 4:16 PM
am i the only one askin myself: what is the heart of the internets, where is it and who owns it?
7. Ingman - July 27, 2010 4:21 PM
7 keys! 7 horcruxes to seek out & destroy... clearly this is the 21st century's Great Epic waiting to happen.
...
8. baja - July 27, 2010 4:22 PM
what is a genuine website?
9. r k - July 27, 2010 4:28 PM
I hope for our sake that Harry Potter was given a key. With Voldemort running amuck our interwebz could be in grave danger.
10. Frodo - July 27, 2010 5:01 PM
They gave me a key and I but it got it all fucked up with this ring and accidentally threw that sumbitch into Mordor.
11. pluck me i'm rich - July 27, 2010 5:02 PM
@4 he's probably trying to lead by example... he knows we all block ads, but advertisers wouldn't like it if GW did it so blatantly.
@6 no.
@1 don't be an idiot, it's a well known fact that there are no negroes on the internet. they can't afford it, by definition. there are no girls either, but because they have better things to do and they do not like being harassed.
12. captainlaziness - July 27, 2010 5:09 PM
They're not so secret anymore, now are they?
13. Mecha-Hitler - July 27, 2010 5:30 PM
I LOVE how i say NlGGERS. and no one cares BUT if i said first...
14. J - July 27, 2010 5:57 PM
Three for the elves...
Seven for the dwarf-lords... <
Nine for the kings of men...
And one KEY to rule them all...
15. J - July 27, 2010 5:59 PM
and!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_j-Tji1DueU
16. Cath - July 27, 2010 6:31 PM
@GW: HEY GW LOOK
http://dinosaursfuckingrobots.com/
DO YOU STILL WANT A KEY TO THE INTERNET?
I thought so.
17. jaime - July 27, 2010 6:34 PM
@13 please see #11.
18. Storm - July 27, 2010 8:05 PM
@14: Dammit, you ninja'd me D:
19. coco - July 27, 2010 9:15 PM
Are we SURE this isn't a hoax? because it sounds like a hoax.
20. zombie mike333 - July 28, 2010 12:42 AM
@6 no one does own the internet but rest assured if theres a key based on a program or code hackers will get there hands on it and the internet will be class A fucked when that happens. im doubting this key is real because of this implication
21. Laurenzio - July 28, 2010 7:36 AM
Where is the internet???
22. paul. - July 28, 2010 10:07 AM
STOP TELLING EVERYONE WHERE TO FIND THESE FUCKING KEYS!!!1one!!!
I swear..
23. jojodrum3 - July 28, 2010 10:24 AM
So, how long will it take the internets to reboot? It seems logical that it would be instantaneous since there's magic involved and all.
24. Shelbon - July 28, 2010 12:55 PM
@6 The internet is just a larger version of the network you have at home or at your work. It's actually owned by a few different companies who basically rent the bandwidth to smaller companies like ATT and Comcast etc.. they then charge us to use it. It's srtuctured a lot like the drug industry.
25. Randomguy - July 28, 2010 2:09 PM
GIMMEH BACK MAH TOOOOOOOOOBZ!!!!11!!!!
26. ptitz - July 28, 2010 4:04 PM
@24, ye, i get that, i mean.... theres probably like a hundred+ different backbones all around the globe that make the internet. its hard to imagine this system being centralized at some*heart of the internet* somewhere. wtf do they mean by that?
27. Azzura - August 4, 2010 12:33 PM
Ummm - if the net is down...and networks are crippled...How do these people get a plane ticket to the US? How do the people prove who they are? How does the airline confirm who they are? Would flights even be allowed? When they do make it to the US...they need to deal with the same things. Plus if there was a planned downing of the net, aren't these people going to be targeted at the same time? SILLLLLY