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I Must Have It: The Two-Handed Great Sword

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NOTE: 9-minute video of the thing hacking through raw meat, ice blocks, wood and other shit is after the jump. It's worth watching, but I recommend skipping around. Or prancing -- I won't judge!

This is a commercial for Cold Steel's Two Handed Great Sword. It costs $550 and I want one. No, two (I'm gonna rope one to my wiener and drag it between my legs just like the Vikings used to do).

Our Two Handed Great Sword is the biggest sword we make. But don't let its size fool you, as there is nothing awkward or clumsy about this awesome sword. Sure it's big and meant to be carried over the shoulder in its scabbard, but it's extremely well balanced and easily wielded by people of larger stature and physical strength.


Weighing 6 lbs. 13.5 oz. with a 39 7/8" high carbon steel blade, it will make short work of pikemen or swordsmen and will prove equally effective against modern rifle butts and bayonets.

To protect the hands from opposing weapons, it features a large guard with side rings plus integral parrying hooks that allow the blade to be shortened for close range slashing and stabbing attacks.

ROFLROFL. I love those last two paragraphs. Like people are actually considering buying the thing for armed combat and not just to display on the fireplace mantle until it's time to f*** up some watermelons on the 4th of July.

Hit it for the video.

Product Site

Thanks to wulk, who opted for two Slap-Chops instead and hasn't lost a battle yet.

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