Oldschool Flair: A Modern Penny-Farthing
I didn't even know these things were called penny-farthings. I thought they were called those goofy-ass looking bicycles with one monster-giant wheel and one little bitch one. Of course, that's understandable given my natural Shakespearean tendencies and way with worlds. Words AND worlds. You think I couldn't Death Star a planet if I wanted to? I could do that shit. Anyway, now you can buy a modern version of the late 1800's classic (great tie-in, GW).
The front wheel is a whopping 36 inches, while the rear wheel comes in at a slightly more reasonable 12 inches, giving you that classic elevated position associated with this most barmy of bikes.
Of course, we'd be barmy to send you off pedalling into the sunset with the safety features of a vintage Penny Farthing (otherwise your newly bought oversized hat might end up squished under an articulated lorry), so this new version has all the modern safety standards you'd expect. The frame is made of durable steel, the pedals are anti-slip, there's a brake on the rear wheel and the saddle has spring suspension to make your ride a little smoother.
The instant coolness is available now for Â£499.00 (~$770), but unfortunately they only ship to mainland UK. Plus they don't come with top-hats OR monocles. Jesus, what kind of gin-joint are you running here? Mmmm, gin -- tastes just like licking a pine tree! Now, what was I talking about? Oh right, trees. I had sex with a sycamore once too I'M JUST SAYIN'.