Jan 7 201020 Life Lessons Learned From The New Mario


Paste Magazine writer Kate Keifer went and compiled a list of 20 life lessons she learned from playing the New Super Mario Bros. Wii. Most are things I learned in grade school, but there were some gems in there (no there wasn't, don't expect any).

1. Never trust a flying turtle.

2. Make it a habit to bang your head against brick walls. Sometimes money comes out.

3. When choosing between shooting fireballs and iceballs, consider the climate.

4. Reincarnation is real.

5. You can walk on clouds.

6. Water, too.

7. If you have spare time, jump around aimlessly until free stuff starts appearing.

8. Money grows on trees.

9. Why not just wear the same outfit every day?

10. Throw animals whenever you can.

11. Unless they're big enough for you to ride on them.

12. Climbing inside cannons isn't dangerous at all.

13. Jumping directly on top of a flagpole is worth the pain.

14. Exercise isn't gonna shrink your fat belly.

15. Brown mushrooms: bad.

16. Colorful mushrooms: great.

17. Money buys happiness.

18. If you get stuck, call your smarter and more patient little brother.

19. Every good man should be willing to put his life on hold for a princess.

20. A plumber can accomplish great things.

Um, yeah. I didn't really get all that. What I learned was this:

1. That whirlycopter helmet is the shit.

2. That last lava run was a bitch.

3. I didn't even get to touch a boob.

Twenty Life Lessons Learned From New Super Mario Bros. Wii [pastemagazine]

Thanks to Victor and hildAT-AT, who learned everything they needed to know from the Zelda series (plus Altered Beast).

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Reader Comments

holy bloody underpants, batman!

All I read was Money Buys Penis

First? And wow. This awesome.

Not like my grammar though.

@1, You woke up this morning wanting to say that didn't you?

The main lesson I learned from Super Mario Bros. Wii is this: If you want something done right, do it yourself.

"That last lava run was a bitch."

DUDE! Cracked me out. That last lava run was REALLY a bitch. I beat the game in about 6 hours one lazy sunday night ... probably died about 10 times until getting to that last lava run stage and died about 30 times until I cool myself down with a ice cold face wash. That stage was FRUSTRATING!

Did I really just read all of that?

I want my 2 minutes back.

what does lava run look like?
does it look like a bitch?

Rule #21: That princess is always in another castle. Bitch needs to stay put.

Somebody really thought this was a magazine worthy article? What did she write previously that got rejected? Yikes.

I loooooooove that Game!!


lesson 21: if you are inadaquate in performance live your life in a bubble.

Wait...yoshi in world 1-1?

I didnt get to touch a boob either :(

someone find a way to make a million pupils for me? :D

Don't have a Wii, can't comment...oh wait! Yes I can, nintendo would sink to the bottom of the sea if it wasn't for Mario and Zelda games......just saying.

Don't feel bad JI, I don't have a Wii either so am left out in the cold on this one (shivering).

To make those of us feel better whom leave the Wii in the kid's room where it belongs, I have taken it upon myself to create our list - this time with something a little more universally known in nature, but sticking to the theme. May I present.....10 Life Lessons from Donkey Kong:

10. Swirling fireballs can be a pain in the ass (and can climb ladders - even if broken).

9. I can see now why building contractors hate plumbers (and gorillas)...they're constantly tearing down their shit.

8. Enjoy what you got while you got it...pretty soon that big freakin ape is gonna come along and snatch it away AGAIN.

7. Plumbers get all the ass.

6. The more some big dude beats his chest, the longer you have to get close enough to pull the girders out from under him.

5. There is no afterlife. You get 3 shots, then it's Game Over. (there are however Continues)

4. Chicks dig guys in overalls, rockin stand alone 'staches.

3. Princess Peach is a prick tease.

2. Most problems in life can be solved with a Big Fuckin Hammer.

1. Shit isn't the only thing that rolls down hill...so do barrels (both should be avoided when possible).

yes, I think so

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