Sep 29 2009She's So....Beautiful: How To Fix Your Baby's Misshapen Nog


Let's be honest with ourselves: our children, when first born, are ugly and their heads are all smushed cause they just got squeezed through a vagina like the last of the toothpaste. And by "our" I mean "your" because I don't have any kids. But now there's hope for your little football-head thanks to Cranial Technologies. Basically they'll design a custom helmet for your child that exerts light pressure on their dome to mash that melon back into shape. Plus, they're fully customizable with stickers and paint! For a small fee, I'll even sign the thing like a cast. And for a large fee I'll whip anybody's ass that makes fun of your child's helmet. HELMETS ARE THE NEW HAIR, FOLKS, YOU WATCH!

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Thanks to Jordan, who was born with a perfect shaped head because he burst out of his mother's chest like an alien.

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Reader Comments

Now everyone can be Karl Pilkington!

I'd fix it with a swift kick to the deformed part.

cute kid

Some parents don't have a clue about shaping a babies head. You ever seen a pan cake head baby or one with a huge flat spot from always sleeping on the same side? Yea I would love to put one of these on a few babies I know. Get a clue ladies, your babies heads do have to be shaped. If I can see it why can't you?

nice, I'd go for the halo-cranial helmet look with retractable horn shaped blades myself

Could you use it to give your kid an artistically interesting and unusual head shape? Like a wide flattened sphere, or a cube? Like in the Dick Tracy comics.

Reminds me of minda,


interesting fact... they cant be perfectly round. in order to conform to regulations as a medical device they have to be molded as a prostetic from a cast of the childs head, and not manufactured round by size, so even if the kid has the flattest head, the helmets by regulation, cant ever make it perfect

notthat they cant do it...they just arent allowed to

my son had one

my ex just cradled him on one side every time and she never really ever put him down, so he basically got a flatspot where he rested on her arm.

fortunately the helmet worked and he will be able to still play sports without having to go custom on the headgear

fortuantely i have a much smarter woman caring for my kids now

@9 that is fortunate

I bet Rocky Dennis' mom wishes she had one (or two or three) of these.

Get lost, that's my job.

again... ...things we could have used TWENTY YEARS AGO!!!

I thought most babies were born with slightly misshapen heads, and things just sorted themselves out over time...

Unless the kid's head is horribly bent outta shape, just leave it alone. Bumpy heads give kids character.

There are a couple of alternatives to these helmets.
1) pay attention to your child... aka being a parent.
2) buy a memory foam mattress and keep the baby on that while you are playing WoW.

I had my wife try #1. I tried #2. The combined effort turned out well. My baby is perfect.


Now, I haven't done much research on the subject, but from casual observation, 99% of the people I see have pretty normal shaped heads.

And I'm screw it...I'm 100% sure that none of them used this crazy product.

On top of that, for some reason it reminds of that famed cat picture with the melon on its head, and that can't be good. Ah, here it is:

#2 sounds like a GREAT idea if you want a kid to experience S.I.D.S.
Don't forget to give your kids scissors to hold while running across the street.

i will make fun of anything that wears a pink helmet with stickers on it, besides my ween.

has anyone been going here: ?

i've been hooked on it for hours, thanks to another fellow geekologie reader.

Thats cool finally it will be socially acceptable to wear a helmet.

i wear one everyday so the CIA cant read my thoughts. it is made from a number of space aged materials like aluminum foil and turtle shells

@6 I'm hoping for a Bender-shaped model myself.

I am not a mathematician, but I am reasonably confident that 1% of 300 million is 3 million.
This company does surprisingly well. They also have a line of snake oil products.

SIDS weeds out dumb babies.

Unfortunately it doesn't weed out dumb parents.
(Like parents who put their kids on memory foam matresses where the kids can suffocate themselves, because they lack the strength to roll over.)

This is for idiot parents who keep their kids on their backs all the time to sleep and it gives kids misshapen heads. Put them on their sides people. They won't get sids on their sides. duh.

My friend had to do the helmet thing for his kid when he was a baby because of a medical issue. (His skull matter wasn't coming together to way it was supposed to and the tissue was softer than it should be or something. It's been 4 years and I'm not a parent so forgive me if I don't have all of the details.) He's not only fine now, but incredibly intelligent for his age. (I'm wondering if he's part cyborg or something.)

On a side note, the whole "hey, why not try being a parent" argument from #15 is pretty ghetto considering you'd have to pay attention to your kid to even know this is an option and even worth consideration.

Actually, you are suposed to have your kids sleep on their back (not their side). They used to say side was better, but they've found that kids are more likely to roll onto their stomachs, and that is when they suffocate. I only know because I have 2 kids under the age of 3.

"In fact, before the Back to Sleep campaign began to recommend back sleeping as the best way to reduce SIDS, more than 5,000 babies in the U.S. died from SIDS every year. But now, as the Back to Sleep message spreads and more babies sleep on their backs, the number of babies who die of SIDS is under 3,000 each year."

Can I bounce it on the floor to test it?

The best way to prevent all of this is to watch your child.

JohnnyB, The memory foam was a joke. I have not played WoW in 2 years. :)

Oh Ok.
Glad to hear that. You wouldn't believe how stupid some parents can be.
My parent's neighbor actually let a 4 year old watch his little sister (less than a year old) in a pool. Then the kid tells his gmom, "Gmom, the baby is floating in the pool."
The baby had drowned in the pool. The preformed CPR and got the girl breathing again, but didn't bother to call an ambulance, or even bother to bring the kid to the doctor.
It really makes you wonder why we need a license to drive, but not to procreate.

Oh, I know plenty of them. Most stupid people come from stupid parents... so it all works itself out naturally.

@28 Good, good. One of the few people I have ever read a comment from who can quit WOW and live. (I personally have never played and don't plan to, unless of course I grow up to have a mustache... Then I will have too...)

:D *clueless grin*

@ finfan
WoW is awesome. I would have never quit if I was unemployed and single... which really WoW will make that happen if you get above level 40.

Dude, my doctor tried to push one of these on us, unfortunately our insurance wouldn't cover it and would of cost us damn near 2 grand that we didnt have. To the A hole who said "pay attention to your kids" that does nothing. Alot of kids are susceptible to mis-shapen heads than others. No matter how much tummy time they get, or how often you keep them from laying on their head, their heads are just softer than others. Luckily my son's head is damn near round now it fixed itself. So quit judging people for shit you know nothing about. Raising a kid is hard work, and comments like that piss me off.

Now personally I'd be more inclined to pick up novelty versions. Pumpkin shaped heads. Frankenstein's Monster heads. Stewie heads. The possibilities are endless. You could even make a head shaped like TWO heads.

Great... last people who shaped children's head was the Mayans, made them cone shaped, TBH its a stupid idea if these have only just come out I don't see the people brought up without them walking around with messed up heads, also the helmet looks stupid

Who is this SIDS guy and why has he not been arrested yet? 3,000 to 5,000 babies a year is way too many. The guy is a maniac!........

Raising children is indeed hard work. It is a lot harder to watch what your baby is doing than it is to just say, "their heads are just softer than others." Yes. babies heads are softer. That is why you must be a parent and watch them 24x7.

It'd be great if they made a version that included a little dent right in the middle. The perfect size for some cocktail peanuts!

I so need to get one of those for my baby. <.< Even if they look ... strange.

And I'm so filing a lawsuit against geekologie for getting me addicted to :( You've officially ended my campaign against flash games. *dies*


My point is and was, i watched my son 24/7 and it still happened. The doctor said some kids are more prone to it than others and my son was one of them. Nothing could have prevented it, we are just lucky it corrected itself.

To those who say "just watch your kids" some children are born with conditions of the skull requiring scary surgery. A helmet worn as follow-up is medically necessary. These helmets are not for typical children who have normal molding of the skull, they are for children with great medical need. A skull that is not developing properly can cause severe brain damage over time. One of my kids was suspected of needing surgery when he was an infant. Scariest couple of weeks of my life! It turned out he was fine, but I learned a LOT about craniosynostosis.

thanks for the information, Kat...I had no idea. Now I don't feel like these are a complete waste.

@#19, Ham Bone - can you get me one of those? lol

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