Sep 19 2009 That's Classy: Truckvette Spotted At Walmart

That has got to be the fastest looking truck I've ever seen. And I saw a truck shot out of a cannon before, so I know. Still, needs truck nuts.

TRUCK-VETTE [peopleofwalmart]

Thanks to Alan, who once drove a truck to the moon and did donuts in a crater. Bitchin'!

Sep 19 2009 Religious Persecution!: Jedi Tossed Out Of Supermarket For Refusing To Remove Hood

Co-founder of the International Church of Jediism, Master Morda Hehol (Daniel Jones, seen above, left), was kicked out of a North Wales supermarket after refusing to remove his super-sweet Jedi hood. He is considering legal action (I would have just Force-choked the assistant manager).

"I told them it was a requirement of my religion but they just sniggered and ordered me to leave. I walked past a Muslim lady in a veil. Surely the same rules should apply to everyone. It was discrimination. I was really upset. Nobody should be treated like that. I'll advise worshippers to boycott Tesco if it happens again. They will feel the Force."

The jedi holocron handbook clearly states that "Jedis must wear a hood up in any public place of a large audience."

A Tesco spokeswoman said:

"Jedi are very welcome to shop in our stores although we would ask them to remove their hoods. Obi-Wan Kenobi, Yoda and Luke Skywalker all went hoodless without going to the Dark Side. If Jedi walk around our stores with their hoods on, they'll miss lots of special offers."

Really? You're gonna miss out on special offers? THAT'S the justification you're gonna use for not allowing patrons to wear hoods? Oh, this just in: Tesco security beats the shit out of a blind man.

Jedi tossed out of supermarket for wearing hood [inquisitr]

Thanks to em. MONSTER and Alexis, who only wear their Jedi hoods in the bedroom. YOW YOW!

Sep 19 2009 Holy: Farmer Grows Buddah Shaped Pears

In this week's "growing things that look like other things" news, a Chinese farmer has learned how to grow Buddah shaped pears. But are they sacrilegious to eat?

Hao Xianzhang, a local famer, spent six years to perfect the process by growing the pears inside moulds, local media reported. The pears cost around 50 yuan (7.32 USD) each.

Pfft, that's nothing. One time I grew an apple that looked like I cut a hole in it and smoked weed out of it. BECAUSE I DID. Who has the green thumb now, bitches?!

Hit the jump for two more shots of the holy fruit.

Continue Reading " Holy: Farmer Grows Buddah Shaped Pears "

Sep 19 2009 Why Not?: Ordering Pizza From Your PS3

Let's be honest with ourselves: we all love pizza. I'm particularly fond of the white variety BUT NOT BECAUSE I'M RACIST (I have a Hispanic friend). I just like the way it tastes in my mouth. Like ice cream, but hot. Anyway, now you can order Papa John's pizzas from you PS3. And you don't even have to go to the internet browser! Because, seriously, that would be way too much thumb exercise. Isn't that right, my opposable little lovers? Now, do that thing that I like so much. Wait! Let me sit on you till you're numb first.

papa john's and playstation 3, because no one wants to get off the couch to order pizza [technabob]

Thanks to chris, who once reheated day-old pizza in his XBox.

Sep 18 2009 Um, No: Tandem Robo-Biker Pedals For You

Joules is a robot designed to KILL! pedal the back of a tandem bicycle. And I can honestly say I have absolutely no interest in biking down the street getting cornholed by a robot names Joules.

He's the creation of a guy called Chris who, challenged by his son to create an electric tandem that worked via pedal power, more than satisfied the brief.

The nuts-and-bolts robot is powered by a PMG-132 electric motor and, unlike most lazy-assed back-end tandem riders, does all the work himself.

Yeah but no but no. As much as I do hate pedaling myself, I'd rather walk my bike up a hill than have this jerk do the work for me. You hear that, Lance Failstrong? YOU WILL NEVER PEDAL ME!

Hit the jump for a video of the beast in action.

Continue Reading " Um, No: Tandem Robo-Biker Pedals For You "

Sep 18 2009 Good Lookin': Mario-Insired Eveningwear

This is a line of Mario-inspired sparkling eveningwear by designer and crafster user montyfull. Nice, but where were these designs when I went to prom 10 years ago? I make sparkles look good!

So I'm a fashion major. Graduated in 2007, and just NOW got around to uploading pics of my stuff! I'm an avid gamer for life. Shooters, RPGs, PC, nintendo, Xbox... I'll play anything if I can afford it. Smiley I also don't like to take myself too seriously, so I decided that my senior collection was going to be mario eveningwear. Ya know, lots of sequins, duchess satin, chiffon, coupled with the crazy icons we know and love.

I, for one, am not ashamed to admit I'd rock the hell out of any of these designs. Plus, I'd even tape my penis to my leg. BECAUSE I'M A LADY.

Hit the jump for a close-up of the Mario face one complete with NES controller garter belt.

Continue Reading " Good Lookin': Mario-Insired Eveningwear "

Sep 18 2009 Japanese 'Break The Table' Arcade Game

This is a video of a Japanese arcade game in which you try to disturb a dinner party by breaking the table. WTF, I know. That said, I woulda karate-chopped the grain outta that bitch. High score? Or score high? You have two boobs....you have four boobs.

Youtube

Thanks to Shorty, who would have hid under the table and looked up your skirt.

Sep 18 2009 Fun For All Ages: Dino Dig Challenge, A Battleship Ripoff (But I'm Not Complaining)

Dino Dig Challenge plays like Battleship, but instead of a bunch of stupid boats, you're hunting for raptor bones. I LOOOVE RAPTOR BONES!

• 2 player competition to see who can excavate their opponent's dinosuar bones first.
• Includes 2 player dig base unit, 8 excavation site tiles, 10 different dinosaur bones and flag markers
• Be the first to complete a velociraptor skeleton and win!

OMG, YES! And the great thing about it is, this is a game that you can play alone if you want. Actually, that's the only way I play. Oh -- oh -- I JUST SUNK MY OWN DINOBONE!

Product Site

Thanks to Dinosaur Josh, who loves dinosaurs as much as I do, but in a different way. You're missing out, Josh. Like they say, "once you go Jurassic, you never go back to men". Okay, that's not true. VARIETY IS THE SPICE OF LIFE.

Sep 18 2009 September 19th Is Int'l Talk Like A Pirate Day!

That's right you salty, half-masted sons of wenches, tomorrow (September 19th) be International Talk Like A Pirate Day. And to celebrate, TellTale Games is giving away free 1-part episodes of Tales of Monkey Island. Also, I will be getting drunk all day wearing an eyepatch and waving a plastic cutlass. So, if you want some free awesome gameage head over HERE tomorrow to claim your booty. Unless you already own the game like I do CAUSE YOU ARE A PIRATE 4 LIFE! Now, whattya say you and I swill some grog and yell at the wenches? What do you mean, "no"? That's it: hand me my wooden leg, I'm gonna kick your ass.

TellTale Games

Thanks to deadbodyman, who talks like a pirate all the time because he illegally downloads copywritten files online all day.

Sep 18 2009 "Pew Pew, Bang Bang!" :Guy Replaces All Sounds In Half Life 2 With His Own Voice

This is a seven minute video of a guy screwing around in Half Life 2 after he replaces all the audio for the sound effects with his own voice versions. It's pretty awesome and I highly recommend checking it out, even if you just skip around for a few seconds. Which, haha, God you looked fruity.

Half-Life 2 Mod Is All "Pew Pew Pew" [kotaku]

Thanks to Aisha, who once pew pewed her way through Bioshock on hard. Nice, I had to play on medium and only with the lights on and never after 9pm.

Sep 18 2009 Pathetic: Burglar Stops To Check Facebook On Victim's Computer, Forgets To Log Out

Okay so I just noticed I left the "r" out of "your" in that Facebook update but that's what happens when you stay up till 5 am binge drinking, you know? Also, waking up with strange bruises and an even stranger man in your bed (seriously brah, it's 10:30 -- time for you to go). Anyway, worst burglar ever:

The popular online social networking site Facebook helped lead to an alleged burglar's arrest after he stopped check his account on the victim's computer, but forgot to log out before leaving the home with two diamond rings.

[The victim] told police that someone had broken into her home through a bedroom window.

There were open cabinets in her garage, and other signs of a burglar.

The victim later noticed that the intruder also used her computer to check his Facebook status, and his account was still open when she checked the computer.

Wow, that's almost as bad as the time I broke into a house and accidentally spelled my name out on the fridge in alphabet magnets. Almost -- but this guy is way stupider.

Burglar leaves his Facebook page on victim's computer [thejournal]

Thanks to Joshua, nancypantz, Brian and Fally, who ONLY break into people's places to check their status updates.

Sep 18 2009 Whee: Now You Can Kanye-Ify Any Website

It was only a matter of time before somebody did this. Because when I was watching the VMA's live from the back of the auditorium through the scope of a sniper rifle, I was wondering how long it would take after the Taylor Swift incident (I love you, Taylor -- you belong with me! Creepily) for somebody to make a Kanye-ify website. Apparently four days. Or maybe sooner, but I just found out about it yesterday. Just add http://kanyelicio.us/ to the front of any URL and presto: jackass everywhere!

Kanyelicio.us

Thanks to ViLLaiN, who is working on a Geekologie-ify website. Hell yes, ViLLaiN! I don't care if you are evil, you're a-okay in my book. And to Adam, who used kanyethis.com to make THIS little number. Jerk.

Sep 17 2009 Tyrannosaurus Rex Ancestor Was Smaller, More Manageable Size (Read: Swooooon)

Turns out the ferocious T-Rex (who, I would like to mention, is a brutal lover) actually started as a tinier, much more manageable size. OMG -- I'm going to grow them in my roommates closet! Also, weed.

About 125 million years ago a tiny version of Tyrannosaurus rex roamed what is now northeastern China. Tiny, that is, by T. rex standards -- you still wouldn't want to meet it face to face. Described by paleontologist Paul Sereno as "punk size," this early predator stood about nine feet tall.

It just seems small compared to the giant T. rex that evolved millions of years later and was as much as 100 times more massive.

"It really is the blueprint for the later (T. rex) dinosaurs," Sereno said, "it was a blueprint that was scalable."

The Geekologie Writer is currently seeking funding for a dinosaur farm. I will pay both interest and dividends on your investment. If interested, please send non-consecutive, unmarked bills in a Christmas card to:

Thanks, I look forward to taking your money and having sex with dinosaurs doing business with you.
Early, smaller version of T. rex discovered [googlenews]

Thanks to Amanda, Aaron, Kelly, Ryan, Henry, Brent, darkfall13, shawno, Jackie, Ian, Dianne, delinear, Priscilla, Nate, Lynz, CertifiedHobo, Dane, ech0z, Jose, Bethy and e., who I'm totally gonna solicit as babysitters once the operation is underway.

Sep 17 2009 Unlimited Possibilities: LEGO Baseplate Shirt

The LEGO Brick Construction Shirt from ThinkGeek is a $18 shirt with a LEGO baseplate fashioned to the chest. You can build whatever the hell you want on the front of that bitch. I'm gonna build a functional rocketship on mine!

Take your favorite construction blocks of choice (LEGO™, PixelBlocks, Mega Bloks, K'NEX Bricks™ are all compatible) then start building. You can write messages, incorporate minifigs, build 3-D structures with gears, add motors... the mind boggles. The only limit is your imagination and the amount of weight you can deal with on the front of your shirt.

I figure I'm good for a solid 40lbs of weight on the front of my chest. And not just cause I carried a baby raptor full-term, but I totally did. Sucker burst out of my chest like an alien and ate the cat! I swear, what a little rascal.

Product Site
via
Lego Baseplate Shirt May Be the Dorkiest Shirt Ever Made [gizmodo]

Sep 17 2009 I'm On To You!: The President Is A Jedi

So apparently President Obama is a Jedi. Okay, maybe a padawan. Fine, just a guy waving a plastic lightsaber around. But that's not what's important. What's important is we arrange a lightsaber duel between him and Star Wars Boy. I'll get the president on the line, you get Obi Un-Coordinated.

Hit the jump for a picture of Obama running his wife through with a pirate sword and staring at some guy's ass, just for the hell of it.

Continue Reading " I'm On To You!: The President Is A Jedi "

Sep 17 2009 Genius!: Neck Tie Beer Bottle Opener

The After Office Tie, by Argentinian design firm Sinapsis, appears to be an ordinary neck tie when worn under a suit. But little will your boss know that there's actually a bottle opener at the bottom perfect for opening happiness (read: booze) while on the clock! You know, this reminds me: one day I almost finished a whole case of beer at work. *glug glug glug* Aaaaaaaand I did it! Now, who's down for happy hour? I will drink your ass under the table! Oooh, and while you're down there -- you spy any loose Chex mix? I like the cereal bits.

Concept: Tie with built-in bottle opener [crunchgear]

Thanks to Jason, who opens beer bottles with his eye socket like a normal pirate.

Sep 17 2009 I Could Eat It: World's Biggest Hamburger

What could be better after an article about a hideous dead monster than a food-related post? Happy lunching west coasters! Do they sell good falafel out there? I'd appreciate some if they do. Also, ripe avocado.

It's the world's biggest burger/heart-attacker and it comes courtesy of Steve Mallie of Southgate, Michigan. Guinness Book of World Records officially declared it the biggest after the burger weighed in at 185lbs.

Steve, who owns Mallie Sports Grill, said it took them 15 hours total to bake the burger, but it was worth it. Being in Guinness was always one of Steve's dreams. Steve said, ''I've worked my entire life to build this restaurant and being able to have the notoriety of Guinness makes it just that bit more rewarding.''

Steve plans to sell the burger at his restaurant for $499.

Who the hell's gonna buy a 200lb, week old hamburger (which, technically, appears to be a cheeseburger) for $500? You know, besides yo momma. BU-BU-BU-BURN! She's so fat she jumped and got stuck. OOOOOOOH, no I di-in't! I just did though is the thing.

KFed Just Came [dlisted]

Sep 17 2009 OMG!: Kids Kill Gollum By Panama Lake

A group of teens hanging out by a lake in Panama saw the elusive Gollum climbing out of his cave and did what any respectable youths would do: beat it to death with sticks.

According to reports in Panama, the teenagers spotted the creature crawling out of a cave while playing in the town of Cerro Azul north of Panama City.

Fearing for the safety as it moved towards them, the youths claim they attacked the beast with sticks before throwing its lifeless body into a pool of water.

A hooked claw visible in one of the photos has been cited as evidence for the popular theory that the creature was a sloth that somehow lost its hair.

Wow you little assholes, you beat a hairless sloth to death. That's low. I mean, aren't sloths slower than turtles? You could have gotten high, had a four course picnic and taken a nap afterward and the thing would have still been like a foot from where it was before you packed the bong. That said, did you get the One Ring?! BECAUSE I MUST HAVE IT. I collect jewelry!

New 'Montauk Monster' spotted in Panama [telegraph]

Thanks to spoon platoon, Pesche and DoucheBag, who would have at least asked the poor bastard for an autograph first.

Sep 17 2009 Cardboard Optimus Prime Costume On eBay

Well folks, Halloween is right around the corner, and you all know what that means: another night of standing in the corner a sad Ninja Turtle while you watch the Zombie Nurse of your dreams make out with a guy dressed as The Crow. :( Also, fun costumes!

A couple of years back I went slightly mad for 3 weeks and spent every evening and weekend carefully constructing an Optimus Prime costume for a summer party. Summer party came, the costume won me first prize, and hasn't seen the light of day since.

This auction is for that costume (pictured). If you've got a Fancy Dress/Halloween party coming up, this costume will impress - and not just impress Transformers geeks. The time I wore the costume easily equates to that 15 minutes of fame time we're all supposed to get - applause from the packed balcony of random pub goers, women who wouldn't normally give me a second look wanting to have their picture taken with me (the benefit of wearing a cool mask eh...) ;)

Current bidding for the cardboardbot is £11.06 (~$18) with three days remaining. Unfortunately, the costume is for pick up only because "the costume doesn't transform into a lorry and move by itself, so you'll need to come and collect". BWAHAHAHAHA! But seriously, what do you mean it doesn't transform?

eBay Auction

Thanks to Sam, who is selling a cardboard Voltron costume that will get you laid quicker than you can say, "wait, didn't I meet you in the men's room?"

Sep 17 2009 How To Light A Grill With Liquid Oxygen

First of all, I'm not convinced liquid oxygen is real because, if it is, why can't I breath underwater? I want a merman, damnit. But if it is real, this is a video of Theo Gray lighting a charcoal grill with the stuff. Apparently it's dangerous, but I find it hard to believe. I mean, it's just a liquid. Jesus, it's not like I just ate and wanna go swimming in the stuff.

Lighting a Grill with Liquid Oxygen Is the Opposite of Safe [gizmodo]

Thanks to Van, who may or may not house a real husky bastard down by the river.

Sep 17 2009 Sweet Dreams: Sleepy Time Toothpaste

PearlyDreams (not what I thought it was either) Natural Sleep Enhancing Toothpaste is supposed to help you fall asleep after brushing your teeth at night. Me? I just chloroform myself and pass out on the bathroom floor.

PearlyDreams (endorsed by Aerosmith's Brad Whitford, so you know it's legit) is toothpaste with Melatonin, Balm Mint, Valerian and Passionflower inside, all of which should combine to ease you into a peaceful slumber.

Pfft, who brushes their teeth anymore? I don't know about you, but I have robots that live in my gums and are programmed to come out and scrub my teeth clean every four hours. Sometimes they throw dance parties on my tongue and *WHOA!* Jesus, I was just having the worst nightmare.

This toothpaste is designed to knock you unconscious [dvice]

Sep 17 2009 Zombie Shooting Targets Now Available

Tired of shooting at the same boring silhouettes when you're getting your gun on? Well why not prepare for the imminent zombie apocalypse and get your pew on at the same time with these zombie-themed shooting targets?

Full color Zombie Poster Targets. Designed for fun at the range or for your next league's Zombie Shoot. Features shaded scoring lines in both head & brain that cannot be seen at shooting distances.

Prices start at $1.50 a pop and decrease with quantity ordered. I just bought 1,000 so I could get them for $0.69 AND I DON'T EVEN OWN A GUN! Now lasers, lasers are a different story. You will never take them from me! I'm looking at you, future Amendment XXXII. Cold dead hands, just sayin'. *pew pew!*

Product Site

Thanks to Patrick, who once beat a paper zombie target to death with a shovel. You know, for principle.

Sep 16 2009 Cats Build Sweet-Ass Cardboard Mecha

Kittens driving a cardboard mecha, what could be cuter? Nothing, that's what! Unless there were chipmunks poking their heads out of the missile turrets. Oooh -- and a sleepy bunny somewhere!

Picture

Thanks to Ross, who once built a mecha out of sticks but it got blown down by a bad wolf. Ironically, the very same wolf I ride into battle. Sorry about that, Ross.

Sep 16 2009 No, NO, NOOOOOOOOOO!: Yaddle Love Aid

For those of you who don't know, Yaddle is a female Jedi of Yoda's species (whatever the hell those green freaks are). And what you're about to see, if you're brave enough to hit the jump, is a homemade lovemaking aid featuring a picture of Yaddle and a green Fleshlight. And for those of you who don't know what a Fleshlight is: congratulations, you're our only hope.

WARNING: IMAGE CANNOT BE UNSEEN.

Hit the jump and get it over with. Feel the burn.

Continue Reading " No, NO, NOOOOOOOOOO!: Yaddle Love Aid "

Sep 16 2009 Blockhead!: Face Rendered In Tetris Shapes

This is a head rendered in Tetris blocks as imagined by Rihards Rozans. I have no idea if he used his own face for the model, but if he did, he's a pretty handsome guy. You know, in a Donkey Kong sort of way. Speaking of which: remember Candy Kong in Donkey Kong Country? I wanted to hit that like a bushel of bananas: still green and $0.79/lb?

Hit the jump for three more shots of the blocks.

Continue Reading " Blockhead!: Face Rendered In Tetris Shapes "

Sep 16 2009 But I Was Gonna Eat That!: 'Danger: High Voltage' As Demonstrated By A Watermelon

You know how all those high-voltage capacitors have warning signs that tell you not to sit on them or play around them but you do anyways because you're an ultra-L337 badass from the planet Choke-slam? Well this is a video demonstration of what can happen if a drunk electrical worker accidentally left some of the wires exposed and you sat on them. Except, in this demo they use a watermelon instead of your buttocks. The same thing would happen to your ass though, trust me. You see these? *knock knock knock* Wooden cheeks. I'm just like George Washington! Except way handsomer and a better leader.

So, This Is What Those High Voltage Danger Signs Mean [gizmodo]

Thanks to Harrison, who actually taught 'ol George how to make love like an eagle falling out of the sky.

Sep 16 2009 Booze The Way God Intended: Boob Ice Luge

If God didn't want us drinking from boobs our whole lives, then why did he make them so appealing in adulthood? Also, why don't dinosaurs have nipples? These and many other life changing questions will be answered in my forthcoming tell-all, "The GW: A Life of Blogging". But honestly, when I first saw these $25 Boob Ice Luge molds I didn't even know what I was looking at. And did that stop me from ordering 20? No, my bank account balance did. But I still got 12!

Are you tired of your boring old Ice Luge? Planning a racy bachelor party and need an exciting way to chug your alcohol? Then you need this fabulous Boob Ice Luge! Just fill the breast mold with water, and in two days, you will have two rock hard boobs waiting to be filled with an alcoholic beverage of your choice!

"Rock hard boobs". Wow, that was a turn off. Don't get me wrong, I'd still drink out of them all night, I just wouldn't hang around after the party and try to take them home with me. Yes, yes I would. I don't even care if the nipples melt off!

Hit the jump for the uncensored shot.

Continue Reading " Booze The Way God Intended: Boob Ice Luge "

Sep 16 2009 Hack And Slash: College Student Kills Would-Be Robber With Samurai Sword

John Pontilillo, a Johns Hopkins undergrad, killed a would-be robber with a samurai sword after finding the thieving bastard attempting to pilfer items from his garage. Nice, John, I would have done the same thing. Except blindfolded because I'm like 30x tougher than you are.

Hours earlier, someone had broken into John Pontolillo's house and taken two laptops and a video-game console. Now it was past midnight, and he heard noises coming from the garage out back.

The Johns Hopkins University undergraduate didn't run. He didn't call the police. He grabbed his samurai sword.

With the 3- to 5-foot-long (HOW LONG WAS IT?!), razor-sharp weapon in hand, police say, Pontolillo crept toward the noise. He noticed a side door in the garage had been pried open. When a man inside lunged at him, police say, the confrontation was fatal.

Pontolillo...struck the intruder no more than twice, police say, nearly severing his left hand and inflicting what police termed a "spear laceration."

Hell yeah, vigilante justice. This is exactly why I booby-trapped my Pop Tart cabinet. Next time my roommate tries to steal some, BOOM! Literally, boom: monster effing explosion. Say goodbye to your face, Dave -- it sucked anyways! Seriously, your mom doesn't even love it. I know because she told me WHEN WE WERE MAKING LOVE. She talked about you the whole time.

Hopkins student kills man with samurai sword [baltimoresun]
and
Picture Source

Thanks to Justina, An, draw and jawn, muzakx, Kate from NashVegas, Alan, Alex, Carrie and e., who would have used nunchucks.

Sep 16 2009 Don't Friend Your Mom: More Facebook Fails

You gotta love it when your mom publicly congratulates you on Facebook for breaking your spell of sexlessness. Isn't that right, mom? *high-five* But seriously, knock next time. Also, this sock needs washing.

Hit the jump for three more Facebook faux pas.

Continue Reading " Don't Friend Your Mom: More Facebook Fails "

Sep 16 2009 Uh-Oh: Little Robot Can Jump 25-Foot Fences

Boston Dynamics, a company best known for heralding the apocalypse with their futuristic death machines, is at it again -- this time manufacturing the Precision Urban Hopper.

Most of the time, the shoebox-sized robot - which is being developed for the US military - uses its four wheels to get around.

But the Precision Urban Hopper can use a piston-actuated "leg" to launch it over obstacles such as walls or fences.

The semi-autonomous, GPS-guided gadget could be used for surveillance in urban environments.

The robot is allegedly able to clear obstacles up to 25-feet high. Which is exactly why I built a 26-foot fence around my anti-robot compound. And dug a moat. Which, FYI, is filled with deadly water dragons. But not luck dragons -- Falcor doesn't like to get wet! But he does like to get high. You're so soft, Falcor. Plus you have a puppy face.

Military robot 'hops' over walls [bbcnews]
and
Youtube

Thanks to TobyRaider, Bobby, JKirchartz, Kelly, Lomig, Kyle, Laux, Jennaiii, shiny bathtub, shawn, Nikki, Fritz, Gonk Assassin, Mark, Spikey DaPikey, prestone, Matty, 2MechanicalArms and Laurent who can't even jump out of bed in the morning. It's called depression, folks, and I have it too.

Sep 16 2009 We're Saved!: Astronomers Discover Solid Planet Outside Of Our Solar System

Unfortunately, it's solid lava and has a daytime temperature of 3,600 degrees Fahrenheit. Still, I'd live there. With Satan. You hear that, my fiery little bitch? I SAID LIGHT THE GRILL.

As scientists search the skies for life elsewhere, they have found more than 300 planets outside our solar system. But they all have been gas balls or can't be proven to be solid. Now a team of European astronomers has confirmed the first rocky extrasolar planet.

The planet is called Corot-7b. It was first discovered earlier this year. European scientists then watched it dozens of times to measure its density to prove that it is rocky like Earth. It's in our general neighborhood, circling a star in the winter sky about 500 light-years away. Each light-year is about 6 trillion miles.

Well folks, it's been real. But I think it's time for your Geekologie Writer to hit the big red 'BLAST-OFF' button and shoot himself to Corot-7b. And like that saying goes, "Shoot for the moon. Even if you make it, your dad will still call you a failure."

Found: Firm place to stand outside solar system [yahoonews]

Sep 16 2009 Mine's Nicer: Dino Van Spotted At Walmart

Ignore the handicapped tag and West Virginia plate, that's not mine. Mine has like quadruple the dinosaurs. You know, to attract more kids because dinosaurs are so awesome. That said, I would still dive into the back of this thing no questions asked.

Jurassic Park [peopleofwalmart]

Thanks to Danielle, gator, Meganologie, Nick B, Greg and michael, who aren't allowed within 100 yards of a toy store.

Sep 15 2009 Snake With Foot Found, Killed In China

I am seriously reconsidering my decision to procreate in China. What with all the winged cats and footed snakes, I don't want my children to grow up with three legs like their father, you know? My beneficial defects aside, I must admit: as an amateur herpetologist, I'm a little skeptical about a footed snake. It seems almost like it swallowed a lizard and then that bastard was all like, "oh hell naw!" and kicked through the snake's bitchass stomach.

Dean Qiongxiu, 66, said she discovered the reptile clinging to the wall of her bedroom with its talons in the middle of the night.

"I woke up and heard a strange scratching sound. I turned on the light and saw this monster working its way along the wall using his claw," said Mrs Duan of Suining, southwest China.

Mrs Duan said she was so scared she grabbed a shoe and beat the snake to death before preserving its body in a bottle of alcohol.

I call shenanigans. Everybody knows snakes lost their right to feet after that one in Eden kept trying to touch Eve's boobs. Yes, I've read the Bible. He ended up stealing her nipples. And that, my flock, is where dried apricots come from. Amen.

Snake with foot found in China [telegraph]

Thanks to carmen, Matty and Chuck Nunchuck, who all have snaked feet. And this little piggy went to GAAAAAAAHH!!

Sep 15 2009 Die, Birds, Diiiiiiiie!: Contra Vs. Duck Hunt

This is a super short video of a Contra commando playing Duck Hunt. And in case you can't watch videos at work, I'll spoil it for you: the ducks lose. But if you want to watch the ducks win, you should watch that youth hockey themed movie starring Emilio Estevez. OMG HE WAS SOOOO HANDSOME!

Youtube

Thanks to jim, who got the laser rifle and "accidentally" shot that annoying laughing dog.

Sep 15 2009 In The Land Of The Blind, The Man With One Eye Is King: Ridiculous Cyclops Sunglasses

I don't wear sunglasses because I like squinting, but for those of you that do, and only have one giant eye, maybe these new Martin Margiela sunglasses are for you. Sure they look like a giant windshield and cost $570, but that's a small price to pay for looking like a giant Miami douche-hydrant, am I right? Of course I am. Unless we're talking about handed, in which case I'm left. Speaking of which -- remember that no child left behind program? It's a lie (my parents abandoned me at a water park).

Martin Margiela Sunglasses [likecool]

Thanks to naas, who doesn't wear sunglasses BECAUSE HE OPTS FOR DUAL EYE PATCHES. Damn yeah, matey!

Sep 15 2009 Are You Out Of Your Damn Mind? Alternatively: Oh Helllllllll No: A Needle Wielding, Blood Sucking Robot

Can you count the number of things wrong in the picture above? If you answered, "every single one", congratulations, you are correct. You see, Bloodbot is a robot designed to stab you with a needle. And I think we can all agree: that is exactly NOT what Jesus would do.

The robot consists of an arm with a needle and a probe. In order to find an accessible vein, the robot probes around your arm until it finds an area of flesh that is a little bit less squishy than the rest. Then it jabs you with a needle, and when it feels a little pop indicating that it's punched through into a vein, it knows to stop the jabbage, lest it go right through the other side of your vein, out the back of your arm, and into your femoral artery, causing a massive amount of hemorrhaging that will no doubt kill you in minutes.

So far, the robot is accurate about 78% of the time.

Hell no. Helllllllllll no. I don't care if it's accurate 110% of the time, no robot is getting anywhere near these precious, alcohol filled veins with a needle. I'd rather stab myself in the heart with a cannonball. And not just because I'm a pirate, but I do love booty. Seriously -- back that thang up, wench!

Bloodbot Stabs You Like A Pro [botjunkie]

Thanks to Spikey DaPikey and qix, who once stabbed a pair of robots in the eyes with syringes full of acid and made them melt from the inside out. Nice, guys, I like your style.

Sep 15 2009 'Today Was A Good Day': The Flow Chart

If there's two things I learned to love in college it's flow charts and communal showering. And this is by far one of the awesomest flow charts I've ever seen. It's right up there with the What Should I Eat? chart. Click HERE to see the flow chart in its entirety, which outlines all of Ice Cube's iconic 'Today Was A Good Day'. Now I know what you're thinking: how the hell can you even think about starting a good day with a hogless breakfast? Because one time I only had dry white toast and a poached egg and then got hit by the school bus. Coincidence?

Hit the jump to watch the music video and follow along with the chart.

Continue Reading " 'Today Was A Good Day': The Flow Chart "

Sep 15 2009 Eye Candy: Video Mapped Projections

This is a recording of a wicked video projection show perfectly mapped to the front of a mansion in England. You've just got to see it to believe it. It's sort of long, but I recommend watching at least the first minute and then skipping around (there's even some Pac-Man action around 4:00). And speaking of skipping around, I don't do that shit -- I gallop. What? CLIPPITY CLOP, BITCHES!

Youtube

Thanks to Gilllllll, who once projected his love into a sock. And to whoever sent this earlier: I'm a jackass.

Sep 15 2009 I Smell Hoverboards!: Scientists Successfully Float Mice Using Magnetic Fields

That's right folks, scientists have successfully hovered mice using nothing but magnetic fields. You read correctly: no black magic this time! (I'm still skeptical)

Scientists working on behalf of NASA built a device to simulate variable levels of gravity. It consists of a superconducting magnet that generates a field powerful enough to levitate the water inside living animals, with a space inside warm enough at room temperature and large enough at 2.6 inches wide (6.6 cm) for tiny creatures to float comfortably in during experiments.

The researchers first levitated a young mouse, just three-week-old and weighing 10 grams. It appeared agitated and disoriented, seemingly trying to hold on to something.

"It actually kicked around and started to spin, and without friction, it could spin faster and faster, and we think that made it even more disoriented," said researcher Yuanming Liu, a physicist at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, Calif. They decided to mildly sedate the next mouse they levitated, which seemed content with floating.

I want to float! Remember that time in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory where Charlie and his alcoholic grandfather drank the Lifting Fizzy Drink and then floated around the bubble room? Yeah, I did that one time when I was tripping. It was awesome. Well, until I swallowed a bubble and got the hiccups. I was hiccuping colors!

Mice Levitated in Lab [yahoonews]

Thanks to Totex, who once made his assistant hover before somebody in the audience yelled, "I can see the wires!" and ruined the illusion.

Sep 15 2009 Tough Times: The iPhone Recession Case

Tough economic times call for even tougher men patrolling the streets with leather chaps and cute hats. And I am one of those men. Also, you don't want to spend too much money during a recession because then you won't have enough for drinking. And drinking, as I'm sure many of you know, is one of the very few things that make life worth living (in addition to the internet and the love of a good woman). Enter the Case-Mate iPhone 3G/3GS Recession Case. Priced at a paltry $1 (or 10 for $8), the cardboard case is the perfect protection for an iPhone toting cheapskate. Plus, they're great for starting fires. In the bedroom. I'm talking about that freaky deaky shit! Oh yeah, baby, that's the stuff -- now hit me with the extinguisher!

Product Site

Thanks to Chuey The Rock n Roll Midget, who doesn't have to pay for airfare because he ships himself in a flat-rate box from the United States Postal Service (pay me bitches).

Sep 14 2009 It Just Makes Sense: Animals With Lightsabers

Animalswithlightsabers.com is a website with a bunch of pictures of animals wielding lightsabers. Because, let's face it: animals and lightsabers go together like waking up and drinking. Or going to bed with a bottle of vodka. It just makes people happy.

Hit the jump for several more of my favorites and another link to the website.

Continue Reading " It Just Makes Sense: Animals With Lightsabers "

Sep 14 2009 Yes, Please!: Pew Pew Laser Cheeze

Youtube (from pictureisunrelated)

Thanks to chris and NumberOneSpatula, who once robbed a bank with cheese sticks. Pretty gutsy, guys. Also, delicious (pass the marinara).

Sep 14 2009 He's Eating My Ass!: Pac-Man Gaming Chair

This is a Pac-Man gaming chair. The best I can tell it's just a computer image, rendering(!) it fake, but it's cool enough for someone to make reality IMHO. And speaking of MHO: they're out there. I'm talking aliens, fool! Anyway, this Pac-Man chair feeds off pocket lint and loose change but won't hesitate to eat your cat if you go out of town for a long weekend without at least laying out some treats. And by treats I mean dingleberries. Sick, I know, but he loves those things.

Hit the jump for a couple more shots.

Continue Reading " He's Eating My Ass!: Pac-Man Gaming Chair "

Sep 14 2009 Starry Nights Baths: Nirvana LED Bathtub

I haven't taken a bath since I was too short to see over the side of the tub, so I don't need a fancy bath fixture. But maybe you do. I heard women take a lot of baths because it makes shaving easier. Speaking of which, what do women shave anyways? I suspect it's their chests!

The Nirvana Bathtub is basically an normal tub that's been outfitted with 360 LED lights on the surface. Touch controls allow you to adjust the lights as well as the water, and a hand shower is motion activated.

Pfft, screw a LED tub -- I'm holding out for a laser bath! I'm gonna get all prune-y and blind at the same time. Just sayin', vision is for the weak and I can benchpress the bar plus 45lbs on each side!

Nirvana bathtub combines a bathtub and a planetarium [dvice]

Sep 14 2009 Burn It!: Ghost Table Held Up By Black Magic

I'm not even going to begin to try and understand how this table stays erect, but I think it has something to do with the dark arts (or boner pills). Whatever the case, the acrylic table was designed by John Brauer and reminds me a little of the painted table we featured awhile back. Not a ton, but a little. Also, I went to get some frozen tart yogurt yesterday and the place was all modern and had clear tables. Yeah, I tried to set my sundae down and missed. 30-second rule! (I lapped that shit off the floor like a dog)

Clear Acrylic Grand Illusion Is a Designer Table Without the Table [gizmodo]

Sep 14 2009 Norwegian Viking Man Changes Name To Julius Andreas Gimli Arn MacGyver Chewbacka Highlander Elessar-Jankov

The beast seen here, best known for once sinking a rival Viking's ship with a single whip of his fiery mullet, has changed his name. He used to be Andreas Jankov. But nooooow he's Julius Andreas Gimli Arn MacGyver Chewbacka Highlander Elessar-Jankov. You've got to admit: it does have a ring to it.

"I wanted to show that it is possible to be serious and at the same time take the name you like," said the film enthusiast. "I wanted to see how far I could take it with respect to the number of names. I started thinking about this three years ago and it was approved in January this year."

Thanks to our commenters, we've been able to break down the name:

- Julius is an homage to the famous chimp at the Kristiansand Zoo
- 'Arn' is a Swedish knight movie
- Elessar and Gimli are from 'Lord of the Rings'
- 'MacGyver', just the greatest Richard Dean Anderson show ever!
- 'Highlander' could refer to either the movie or TV show
- Chewbacka (aka Chewbacca) is from 'Star Wars'

Can you guess the name that doesn't belong? Me neither. I loved 'Lord of the Rings'!

Julius Andreas Gimli Arn MacGyver Chewbacka Highlander Elessar-Jankov: Norway's Longest Name? [huffingtonpost]

Thanks to TT likes little boys and Steve, who named their sons Sue to make them tough.

Sep 14 2009 Bacon Is Good For Me: The Remix

This is Sir Eat A Lot's remix of his instant classic 'Bacon Is Good For Me', now with more repetition. Now I'm not saying this song makes me want to adopt the little chubs and call him my own, but it totally does. Say it again, little man! "Bacon is good for me". Haha, here -- have another Beggin' Strip (he doesn't know the difference).

Youtube

Thanks to Erica, whose hit 'Geekologie Is Good For Me' went like triple plutonium.

Sep 14 2009 TV Wand Changes The Channel With Magic!

Let's face it: pushing buttons on a remote to change the channel on your television is archaic and embarrassing. What we need are a bunch of magic wands to wave around like assholes! Well we're in luck! Enter the Kymera Magic Wand.

It works like a standard universal learning remote but thanks to a built-in accelerometer it's able to recognize "magical gestures" instead of just pushing buttons.

So for example, to turn the volume up or down on your TV you'd simply make clockwise or counter-clockwise gestures with the wand, and to change the channel you'd either flick it up or down. All-in-all there are 13 different gestures recognized by the wand that you can custom-program including big swish, push forward, pull back and even multi-taps.

The wand is allegedly real and will set you back around $84 when they start shipping next month. Alternatively, have a child sit in front of the television and yell at them when you want the channel changed. Isn't that right, dad? Who's your little #1 remote?!

Kymera Magic Wand Universal TV Remote [ohgizmo]