Aug 25 2009"Don't Be Afraid" He Murmured, His Velvet Voice Unintentionally Seductive
That's right folks, now there's a Twilight/vampire themed sex toy. It's a sparkly dildo and marks the coming of the apocalypse.
Updated by popular request... Yes the The Vamp retains hot and cold temperature. Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience (OR A FIRE!).
JUST IN TIME FOR HALLOWEEN! Who doesn't love those dark and mysterious vamps on the screen and in the books we all thumb through lustfully? That's what we thought. For those of us who fantasize about being spellbound and tantalized by the forbidden comes The Vamp. We promise this vamp won't be the only thing coming for you in the night.The Vamp is a realistic form based appropriately on our Sire's design but with a deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the new moon's glow. Since it's a Tantus toy, The Vamp is made from Tantus' own unique blend of 100% Ultra-Premium Silicone. Don't be surprised if this toy seduces you, its long sleek shaft and deliciously ridged head calling to you in the twilight. But don't save this for just nocturnal escapades, try taking our Vamp out in the sunlight and watch him sparkle.
Yes, out in the sunlight. Because a public park is the perfect place to vamp yourself. Also, to rollerblade. Don't forget your pads and helmet!
NSFW Product Site (with video!)
Thanks to Shannon, LisaMarie, Joemo, Cloie, Ashley, sham, Evy, rya and anyone else I may have forgotten, for all chipping in and ordering me one. You did order me one, right guys?
Reader Comments
1. steeldragoon - August 25, 2009 11:57 AM
WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2. deadbodyman - August 25, 2009 12:00 PM
Wow. I won't be telling my girl bout this one...
3. Mr. cow - August 25, 2009 12:07 PM
Moo
4. Moose Knuckle - August 25, 2009 12:15 PM
Is it intended for anal use only? I haven't seen the movie, just this one scene...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t76YW7cTaHw
5. Heather - August 25, 2009 12:16 PM
Oh, what fresh slice of hell is this?
Ok, humanity. I give up.
6. B - August 25, 2009 12:19 PM
That's actually a line from the book, isn't it? If so, that's...awful. Just awful.
Also: this product is creeeepyyy...
7. GoSS JerkS - August 25, 2009 12:21 PM
And we are again forced to digress on twilight.
8. Eskimo Dave - August 25, 2009 12:22 PM
So many 13 year old girls will be asking their parents for one of these...
9. SiGee - August 25, 2009 12:23 PM
@4
that vid is AWESOME!
10. amanda - August 25, 2009 12:26 PM
so my request for a Bender vibrator goes unanswered but this shit movie gets one? i am insulted on behalf of futurama
11. Mirianna - August 25, 2009 12:27 PM
Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience.
OMG!! Creepy!!
12. STOMPY - August 25, 2009 12:32 PM
http://img.moronail.net/img/1/7/1417.jpg
13. BeepBoop - August 25, 2009 12:34 PM
Damn will you turn into a vampire if you use it....Ladies be warned severe bleeding will occur
14. VarientX - August 25, 2009 12:35 PM
holy shitballs- 4, great vid.
this has got to be one of the worst things ive seen publicly advertised. EVER.
and ive seen the "Aspray" commercials..
15. STOMPY - August 25, 2009 12:36 PM
http://img.moronail.net/img/1/7/1417.jpg
16. SmokingGirl - August 25, 2009 12:40 PM
Hahahahahahaha...that video was just pure awesomeness.
And is this phallus supposed to be based upon Robert Pattinson's junk? If so, then I'm extremely disappointed.
17. Moose Knuckle - August 25, 2009 12:43 PM
If it's suppose to be representative of Edward from Twilight, shoudn't it be a vagina?
18. Caboose - August 25, 2009 12:51 PM
These Twilight posts are annoying.
19. STOMPY - August 25, 2009 12:53 PM
http://img.moronail.net/img/1/7/1417.jpg
20. Pip - August 25, 2009 12:56 PM
Missed the t of the last line in bolding. I am disappoint.
21. B - August 25, 2009 1:00 PM
A good point was raised here: why so many Twilight posts?
I guess, technically, this post does sort of fit with the basic tenets of geekologism, though:
"Geekologie is a geek blog dedicated to the scientific study of gadgets, gizmos, and awesome. There are a lot of shiny new things out there, and Geekologie is dedicated to finding every last one of them for you."
If this product is battery-powered, then it's either a gadget or a gizmo. (I am not clicking that link at work to check, and getting fired for looking up Twilight-themed sex toys. Of all the ways to go out!) It is not, however, awesome. It does sparkle, which is similar to being shiny...so that's close enough, I guess.
That being said...Twilight? Really? I didn't think this site's target demo was tweenage girls.
How about we stop with the Twihardon, and stick to actual geeky, awesome stuff.? Could we maybe try that out?
22. Daisy - August 25, 2009 1:02 PM
FAKE!!!!
This is a complete photoshop job. You can tell its a fake because the shadow's are all wrong.
This is exactly like that scene in the movie Never Back Down where Max was talking to the luggage guy at the airport who explained most supposed bombs are vibrators, and airline policy when talking to the passengers whose luggage was held for investigation is to never use the article your, and instead call it "the" vibrator.
23. Fade - August 25, 2009 1:14 PM
Speechless...
http://fade-to-extra.mybrute.com
24. ch4p3l - August 25, 2009 1:34 PM
Why don't you brute fags go f*ck RDA up his ass with this glitter dong and then choke on it?!?!?!?!?
F*CK OFF!!!!!!!!!!
25. Pat - August 25, 2009 1:37 PM
Twilight fans scare me almost as much as PETA.
26. deadbodyman - August 25, 2009 1:43 PM
@24
Well said. I particularly liked the 'glitter dong' comment. Good times!
27. $.02 and a pocket full of FAH-Q - August 25, 2009 2:19 PM
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Although, now that I think about it, there is a market for teen girls in the "toy" industry"... This may be genius.
Mom knocks on door: "Honey, what are you doing?"
Daugther: "GAWD MOM, I was just trying to balance my copy of Breaking Dawn and angle my vibrator in the window so the sun hits it just right!"
Mom: "Honey, you are aware that you probably won't be able to, well, enjoy your toy under those circumstances"
Daughter: "Well yeah, but according to this book I shouldn't be able to enjoy it until MY Edwar shows up and decides to allow me to. Right?"
Mom: "F*cking mormons."
28. $.02 and a pocket full of FAH-Q - August 25, 2009 2:21 PM
Two Corrections:
*Edward (Or Edtard)
http://img.moronail.net/img/1/7/1417.jpg
29. STOMPY - August 25, 2009 2:21 PM
http://img.moronail.net/img/1/7/1417.jpg
30. SmokingGirl - August 25, 2009 2:47 PM
It's peanut butter jelly time!
31. STOMPY - August 25, 2009 2:55 PM
It's penisbutter and (KY) jelly time!
32. STOMPY - August 25, 2009 2:56 PM
http://img.moronail.net/img/1/7/1417.jpg
33. Audra - August 25, 2009 3:17 PM
They could have at least put fangs on it or something. But to tell you the truth, I'd rather have a real penis that sparkles than a plastic one.
34. SmokingGirl - August 25, 2009 3:25 PM
@33, once one has had the real thing (sans sparkles, of course) silicon or plastic just won't cut it.
And I don't mean "had the real thing" as in, oh woo penis inside me; no, I mean "had the real thing" that leaves you bow-legged, shaking, sweaty, and thirsty.
Just wanted to clarify since some people's perception of getting it on is rod A. into slot B.; rod A. sneezes into slot B.; slot B. doesn't see what all the fuss is about and is disappointed and may or may not become a lesbian.
35. InkBlot - August 25, 2009 4:44 PM
im so so so scared right now o.0
not to mention i think i've developed an eye twitch x.x
36. Beastman AIDS - August 25, 2009 4:50 PM
Slot B is more than welcome to resorting to lesbianism as long Rod A can watch from the cupboard and furiously masturbate, before bursting from it's hiding place and sneezing over both Slots hair, eyes and ceiling.
37. mikal - August 25, 2009 5:09 PM
a bender vibe! amanda u are my new best friend!
i think it should say some of bender's witicms as well...
lol
doesn't that make you randy?
38. Lord of the horse beaters - August 25, 2009 6:25 PM
I was about to say "WTF, more twilight?!" but then read further and got one hell of a chuckle.Now the twi hards can poke themselves with a "twi-hard" lol.
39. Officer Obie - August 25, 2009 6:40 PM
@36 Awesome. If I had been drinking milk it would have come out my nose. Bravo.
40. GFS is to lazy to us his full name - August 25, 2009 6:49 PM
http://img.moronail.net/img/1/7/1417.jpg
@Moose
Thank you. Thank you very much. I pissed my pants a little. Thank you.
@STOMPY
How was the conversation with the retards last night?
41. Beth - August 25, 2009 7:59 PM
It sparkles in the sunlight. It is not going to be in the sunlight, this is pointless.
42. ysibel - August 25, 2009 8:15 PM
haha the music on the video! haha
43. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA - August 26, 2009 12:24 AM
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
44. Amibear - August 26, 2009 2:49 AM
No you see I saw retains the temperture and thought....what actually geeky species has a lower body temp than humans.....TIMELORDS! I might get one and ignore the sparkles just for that.
45. Shenron - August 26, 2009 5:29 AM
Really! Really, for how hot and bothered those Twi-Tards get its a small little prick to stick in there never-going-to-have-a-real-man-vag's!
@24 I Agree completely!
You Fag-Vamp lovers need to burn in hell with the Fur-fag!
there killing everything check this shit out> http://www.cinemassacre.com/new/?p=2327
46. Jaded Icon - August 26, 2009 6:57 AM
@ 34
There is also the other version. Rod A spends time out of drinking to court Slot B. Slot B is keeping Rod A on a "keeping it slow" leash and emotionally bluballing Rod A. Rod A then takes Slot B out drinking to loosen Slot B up and Slot B ends up sleeping with Rod A's brother. Rod A then goes back to drinking and realizes that he should have stayed with his first love.....booze.
BTW: Replace Rod A with GFS and replace Slot B with STOMPY.
47. SmokingGirl - August 26, 2009 7:43 AM
*sigh*
If slot B slept with rod A's brother, then slot B was never interested in rod A but was instead using rod A as a means to get to said brother.
We slots are crafty like that.
48. ch4p3l - August 26, 2009 9:28 AM
Someone slept with A-Rods brother? That slut!!!
49. Cranberry - August 26, 2009 9:42 AM
Can it be used to slap twifags with it?
50. SteelDragoon - August 26, 2009 9:58 AM
Rod A just wants to go into Slot C, thats right Slot C, dont tell her rod A is going in there though, just suprise Slot C
51. twellve - August 26, 2009 10:32 AM
great pic of Edward, but bleh, refrigerating it?? i never want to think about 'cold' and 'vagina' at the same time.
to the folks complaining about the Twilight posts, you're voluntarily reading them AND spending time commenting. funny that.
52. SteelDragoon - August 26, 2009 12:36 PM
@51 Meh, Most are working at the moment and have nothing better to do but read random post and comment about to avoid the repetatve motions of daily life in the work place the contribute to self inflicted harm and contempt for their Piers and office
53. Shenron - August 26, 2009 1:08 PM
@ 52 That's right!
@ 51 **GTFO twi-tard!!!** and damn you must be a V if you have never heard of Cooling sensation KY same thing minus said refrigeration
54. Shenron - August 26, 2009 1:10 PM
@49 oh yeah you could but its to damn small... you got to get the Obama dildo or the Lexington Steel for that its bigger and it will hurt more!
55. melkor - August 27, 2009 2:05 AM
This thing isn't vampyric. It's a firs-timer dildo with a movie-licence and it sparkles.
Just Throw it away....
56. melkor - August 27, 2009 2:06 AM
This thing isn't vampyric. It's a firs-timer dildo with a movie-licence and it sparkles.
Just Throw it away....
57. oheff - August 27, 2009 2:19 AM
Dammit GW, if my girlfriend ever sees this entry, I blame you for ruining my sex life.
58. Geekogee - August 27, 2009 7:55 AM
Must See!!!
http://alturl.com/obg7
________________
59. Mary - August 30, 2009 8:29 PM
WEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRDDDDDDD!
60. Steam~Punk - October 11, 2009 11:06 AM
I think my brain just momentarily imploded on itself in an attempt to try and make me blind and erase my memory from ever reading this article.