Jun 3 2009"The Ducks Are Not Mine": David Thorne (The Seven Legged Spider Drawer) Is Back At It

pets.jpg

It's hard to top the seven legged spider debacle, but David Thorne took another stab at it when he was notified by his landlord that he is not allowed to have pets in his apartment. David has definitely got some funny stuff in there, but the best part is the last email sent by the landlord. Hit the jump to see the whole series of correspondence. It's long, but worth it. Like me.

Hit it.

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

Thankyou for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David

I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?

Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing. I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships. For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners. I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?

Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours. The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh. Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David

You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.

Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

They are very small ducks.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms. These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?

Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway. .

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.

Helen

Strata Agreement [27bslash6]

Thanks to doogleduck and Lisa, who only keep jungle cats in their apartments because of the magic show.

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Reader Comments

LAST :(

FIGHT MEEEEE! http://at52.mybrute.com/

Oh wow, this guy is my hero!

LMAO...
there's a smart man.. he always win =P

David Thorne owns

Amazing. Simply amazing. This one tops the spider one.

hahaha, hilarious

Brilliant!

Hot coffee snod. I almost shot hot coffee out of my nose laughing at this.

Epic Win!

very funny!

The landlord is kind of too potilically correct, i wonder if this is true.

*politically

FIRST!

hilarious!

"They are very small ducks" hahahaha!

Its the 25th anniversary of Tetris! http://www.tetris.com/

Yeah, I went back and read the spider bit and while it is great this is better.
Very funny!

OMG he totally won. THAT IS AMAZING. I LOLed heartily at many points.

I cried, I laughed soo hard.


http://jfect.mybrute.com

I'm gonna change my name to Timbo Thorne....maybe he'll adopt me with his pets.

I like turtles.

Full of Win!

Wouldn't the ducks in Australia fly north for the winter?

I think this is fake. This is the internet guys, don't take everything you read as real. A real land lord would have paid him a visit after the first or 2nd letter. Theres too much money invested in the apartment to allow the possible damage caused by animals. And since the lease sais "no animals" they seem to value their property.

"Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea."

I've had this happen to me at least twice.

@23

Never heard of off-site landlords? Most upper class apartment buildings in Australia, especially near the big cities like Sydney have only maintenance on hand in the building, but are managed by people in other parts of the country, or even in the US. I'd know, I lived in Australia for 17 years and was born there.*

*The above statement is a total fabrication.

Very small ducks indeed, they can't be as small as that pygmy pokemon thingy GW showed us a few days ago..

Or are they?!

True or not it is still funny.

Hahaha this made my day. XD

WIN

My faith in the human race has been restored.

WIN!!!

ah... i love this guy

Brilliant!!!

"I think this is fake. This is the internet guys, don't take everything you read as real. A real land lord would have paid him a visit after the first or 2nd letter. Theres too much money invested in the apartment to allow the possible damage caused by animals. And since the lease sais "no animals" they seem to value their property."

Spoken by a man who has the personality type of an apartment manager. Hell of a sense of humor you got there John. How about even if you think it's fake, pretend it's real and have a laugh. Might dislodge that stick from your ass.

David is the man.

Have my babies David

I'm fairly sure she just got owned.

THIS GUY IS 100x funnier than the superficial writer.

Nick is also the man.

David Thorne ... You so rock!!!!


Come and join the short and easy game mybrute:

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The game takes less than 5 minutes to play!

Helen, Helen... water freezes at 0º C, not 2º C. A good lessor would have known...

This had me in stitches, well played to the man............

OMG this guy is f.ing hilarious!!! This is his website if you want to check ou this other stuff: www.27bslash6.com

LMAO! xD

mush!! mr. david you are hilarious. what a character.

haha WIN! ..u just gotta wear em down

Bloody excellent !!

the last mail was excellent!

i really expected his last email to explain that the ducks were 'rubber duckies.'

great post though. i'd love to read more like this.

I cant stop laughing, this is funny the guy should have a show.

"Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness."

That's GOLD!!!!

http://www.Marie-gets-Deflowered.com/?id=42237e88

That is AWESOME!
I haven't laughed that hard in a while.

MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE

EPIC!!!

my home town......SA great!

hilarious!

omg i live in adelaide, and i know this real estate agent, thats priceless.

EPIC!!

That was absolutely HILARIOUS.
I was even slamming the desk with my fist.


<3

I like this one becasue he wins, but the spider series was better because it had pictures, and let's just face it, reading sucks.

This man is truly gifted in the ways of deterring pests. = 0

Epic!

hahaha hilarious this was my favorite!

-"Do you have pets or not!!!"

-"No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while"

**NOT SPAM** If you like this sort of humor, there's a great book called "Letters from a Nut" by "Ted L. Nancy" - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ted_L._Nancy

Holyyyyyyy sh*t, that was the most poetic thing I've ever read.

I'd love to meet this man.

this guy is a legend...

ADVANCE AUSTRALIA FAIR!!!

this guy makes me smile

David you make my days worth living.

Freaking classic! I love it. *shiney*

Come on guys, let's underline Helen's professionalism, she made it through withou going crazy didn't she ?
and blame the neighbors :)

here's the original http://www.27bslash6.com/strata.html and a load of other funnies


Must See!!!

http://captain-hash.mybrute.com

--------------------------------------------

The Strata manager is NOT THE LANDLORD! it is the person who is responsible for looking after the building for the landlord. eg. my dad owns an apartment in queensland but we live in new south wales, so the strata manager looks after it and makes sure that the tenant is behaving.

LOL! I NOW LOVE DAVID THORNE! AUSSIES FTW!!!

see how many people love this guy? its coz he's got an aussie attitude. aussies love a good joke. like the chasers war on everything APEC joke. in america, they'd be killed. in australia, we say, "nice one mate".

good old australian sense of humour!

Her's another!
http://www.dontbeshy.net/be.txt

@74

Although I agree with you that this guy is hilarious. I don't see why he would be killed in "America" for doing this. Maybe South America, like Venezuela or something. Cuba for sure, and in Mexico he would be killed for completely different reasons....

I am awaiting an official team-up of GW and David Thorne for good old shenanigans.

That was bloody hilarious!

i love this guy.

makes my day

Epic X 10

totally worth reading. that is hilarious.

Here is his site and another great exchange of emails regarding his neighbor's party!
http://www.27bslash6.com/matthewsparty.html

By law the landlord has to answer his mails.Otherwise,if i was the landlord,i wouldn't waste any time ofcourse.

This guy is fing hilarious! without a doubt the funniest damn thing I have ever read! Keep them coming!

This guy is the funniest, most brilliant person I know. I want him to successfully have my babies.

Absolutely the best thing I have read in months. Good find geekologie. David Thorne is my new favorite person on the planet.

41. eron - June 3, 2009 6:28 PM

Helen, Helen... water freezes at 0º C, not 2º C. A good lessor would have known...

The water freezes under 0º C

The Internet is a Playground
by David Thorne
$19.95

http://www.cafepress.com/27bslash6.390768719

i at least hoped for a drawing of a duck.... x It woulda made it timeless. Maybe a picture of the goldfish?

I hope he does more stuff like this

Holy sh*t, I know some kid named David Thorne, and that spider looked like his drawing. I think he's 19 now, he's crazy and creepy.

Funny but pretty old news, this letter was making its way around the interwebs a good 6 months ago easily.

I am officially starting the Holy Church of David, the God of All That is Awesome

*starts getting the poison ready for when the cult is big enough and we move to South America*

To soon? It happened like 30 years ago

OMG "For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together." This part made me laugh so hard I fell off my chair, swallowed my gum, and broke my headphones! But I don't even care because this is so funny!

I think I just fell in love. ♥

This guy understands what the internet is for! I loved his "logos and pie charts" emails.

Hi! David,
I am a guy living in Guangzhou China. My nephew lives in Melbourne name Kit. He brought your book with him on our get together in Macau for Chritmas holidays. I became an Instant fan of yours reading your deadly conversations on mails and your comments on simple things of day today life. I realy appreciate your conversing talents and wits. But as I read your book only 60% I am trying to buy it in china. I will read it all and untill then this is my only comment on your book that it is ultimate and i loved all the conversation you had on mail and I bow to you as your follower. I now know how to talk with people who are stubborn and uncaring for your feelings.
" HATS OFF TO MR. DAVID THRONE"

It's a good idea .Thank you.

Love the website david. Shows how much a fool you are. Especially like the i was born on the 13 feb 1972. David Ray Thorne aka David Tojo Waters aka David Roy Thorne. Born 13 feb 1968. Oldest of 3 children. Please post a note on his site asking what age he really is and what other offences he has been charged with besides rape.

David Thorne rapes grandma's. And his son.

And no, I am not jealous. His website is shit and I could write mch better.

@chrisdavidsbrother jealous much?

Seriously the funniest thing I have read in a long time, I nearly pissed myself at work when I got to the bottom.

However this man is, is a Hero in my eyes.

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Thank you for your article to share my learning, there are in the help, hope to have time to visit you.

First

Nice post,
I learned a lot of information from this post. Thanks for the effort you took to expand upon this topic so thoroughly.
I look forward to future posts.

I ordered his book from his website in July and I am still waiting. It appears many others are in the same situation (http://www.facebook.com/pages/27b6-David-Thornes-Book-scam/150215228347632). He has stolen our money and does not reply to any emails. Be careful before parting with your money for anything on his site. Buyer beware.

What a True Blue Legend!

True Blue Legend!

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