Apr 14 2009Worth $500K?: The Human Regenerator
The Human Regenerator is a $553,400 piece of monkey shit that's supposed to make you live longer or something. Personally, I think it looks suspiciously like Superman's tanning bed of solitude.
The Human Regenerator is a Quantum-Pulse-Device that imitates and generates the cellular body's natural frequencies ranging between 0.0005 and 38,000 Hz.
Through intensive treatment with the body's own healthy frequencies, the organism is regenerated in a natural way. This process is enhanced by specially treated silicium and aluminum depots, which with the help of right spinning protos have an anti-aging effect.Furthermore, longitudinal waves are used as a filter to create more human-like waves, therefore adding pure positive energy to the body.
Very convincing technology there. Unfortunately, only 50 of the devices are being made, and "will be offered to a small circle of prominent figures of our time." But if you showed up with $500K, I guarantee you could get one. And also, maybe some hooker action. Which, let's be realistic, will do a lot more for you than Quatum-Cell-Coding ever will -- provided you wrap it up. Otherwise, cooties bro.
Thanks to Mushishi, who's also selling a cellular regenerator that looks suspiciously like a microwave oven with no door.
Reader Comments
1. rags - April 14, 2009 12:29 PM
looks like a glorified tanning booth.
2. Spikey DaPikey - April 14, 2009 12:29 PM
Bollocks.
3. $.02 and a pocket full of FAH-Q - April 14, 2009 12:32 PM
Wow, you'd think for a company producing something in that price range would use spellcheck... Check out the pre-order section.
4. Daisy - April 14, 2009 12:35 PM
FAKE!!!!
This is a complete photoshop job. You can tell its a fake because the shadow's are all wrong.
This is exactly like that scene in the movie Never Back Down where Max punched a van fixing its dent, and his friend asked if he was bionic. Max replied - no, I only like the ladies.
5. Kup - April 14, 2009 12:36 PM
Didnt realize the size. thought you were supposed to put your junk in there. a space aged sham wow.
6. Punani - April 14, 2009 12:37 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mFKd9esEeU
7. first - April 14, 2009 12:41 PM
FIRST !!!!!!!!
8. First!!! - April 14, 2009 12:42 PM
First!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
9. Tom - April 14, 2009 12:46 PM
You know you've got hold of a technological expert when they apparently don't even know how to use SI prefixes. Try writing "0.5mHz to 38kHz" - see, doesn't that look so much more sciency than just vomiting leading and trailing zeros everywhere?
10. Me - April 14, 2009 12:47 PM
I also thought first thought it had something to do with a sex toy...
11. Douchie Mc Bagman - April 14, 2009 12:50 PM
Didn't they have one of these in the Perry Rhodan books? Atlan lived for centuries with one of these.
I want one.
12. DreamFolder - April 14, 2009 12:51 PM
All I hear is Frank Langella:
"mumbo jumbo
Mumbo Jumbo
MUMMMBO JUMMMBOOO!!"
"Longitudinal waves used as a filter to create more human-like waves..." Hahahahahaha
13. Moose Knuckle - April 14, 2009 1:05 PM
So, if someone is in it, and someone else sneaks up and lowers the frequency just right, can it make their bowels release?
14. scurl - April 14, 2009 1:10 PM
this reminds me of the time that i was walking through some hillsides somewhere in a dry county in arkansas and tripped over a giant quartz crystal. I broke two fingers, sprained an ankle, and cracked a rib falling down the slope next to the trail, but it aligned all my chakra's and spritzed me with patchouli oil on my way down.
15. DG - April 14, 2009 1:15 PM
So it's kinda like the wax bath in Wanted?
16. Dorian Gray - April 14, 2009 1:29 PM
At last the press release is out, I've been restricted on saying anything because of this infernal NDC.
I was consultant on this most wonderful project, and I do confess to being most pleased with the results so far.
17. Connor McCloud - April 14, 2009 1:32 PM
Hey Dorian!
Ha ha ha ha call yourself an immortal!
You're not even Scotish let alone a pure blood.
I'm gonna cut your head from your body
ha ha ha
18. _me - April 14, 2009 1:33 PM
Scary.
Second pic on the left, I thought they actually put 'Heath' of tomorrow instead of 'Health'. How cool would a Batman/Joker sequel be with a regenerated Heath!?
19. todders - April 14, 2009 1:37 PM
t first glance, I thought it was a penis pump...
Speaking of, you should educate yourself on the dangers of a DICK DONUT (hilarious, but NSFW):
http://www.digitalfuntown.com/videos/164
20. CoinOperatedBoi - April 14, 2009 1:52 PM
This thing looks like it would be a lot of fun for me and the mrs....Just call me the Silver Bullet. *pew*
21. TR - April 14, 2009 2:33 PM
Well i know that when cats pur the vibrations help tone their muscles and boost their immune system keeping the cat healthy... so could possibly work on simmilar principles with people... maybe ... but not like this :p
TR
22. jigs - April 14, 2009 2:35 PM
is this scientology related
23. Trioxinator - April 14, 2009 2:54 PM
This reminds me of the time Nog, Jake, and I were trying to sell some self sealing stem bolts. We met a 'scientist' who was building this exact same thing until he was abducted by the Dominion and they also stole all his research and the prototype which looks remarkably like the one for sale here. Didn't realize the Dominion had reached earth already.
Also, I'm selling a really nice ship developed to fight the borg threat. It's even got cloaking technology. I'll let it go for $400,000. Now I've only got one so it's first come first served.
24. Watch - April 14, 2009 3:26 PM
DAISY SHUT THE FLYING F UCK UP!!! NOBODY GIVES A F UCKIN G SHIT ABOUT NEVER BACK DOWN!!!!! ONLY RAPISTS LIKE YOU WATCH THAT MOVIE!!!!!!
25. Badpie - April 14, 2009 4:10 PM
If it can't make me a sandwich I'm not interested.
26. scurl - April 14, 2009 6:53 PM
@ 23
$400,000? gimme a sec to replicate that...
this better not be another one of those escape pods with a cape on it....
27. Mikhael - April 14, 2009 10:49 PM
And so beings "I Am Legend"......
28. Lawrence DelRe - April 14, 2009 11:05 PM
With a $20 laser pointer pressed against the skin, a person can do their own low level laser bio-stimulation at home. You don't need a half million dollars, just a little study.
29. speelchick - April 15, 2009 6:55 AM
many many errors:
anti -ageing
human- like
innovat ion
the hole organism
desease
respect vely (wtf?)
i stopped looking after this - so paynfooly a fraudster...
30. KSquared - April 17, 2009 7:40 AM
The most annoying part is actually being a Quantum Physicist, and seeing quacks like that throw the word "Quantum" without a shadow of a clue as to what it means. Quantum-Pulse-Device? Why not also throw "Cybernetic" in there. Almost nobody knows what that word means either, and it's just as overused.
31. Octopus Pie - April 18, 2009 12:30 AM
Looks like a vibrator for the 50 ft woman.
32. Keila sierra - August 6, 2009 12:36 AM
Every ages different other faster or slower. Living a healthy lifestyle is cheaper and better then putting your body in a machine that you were told it makes you age slower... THEY SHOULD INVEST ON HOW TO MAKE THE EARTH YOUNGER AND IN A MORE HEALTHY ENVIROMENT! LESS POLUTION, LESS DYING PLANTS, AND ANIMALS, HELP SLOW THE GLOBAL WARMING. WHAT GOOD WILL IT BE TO LIVE LONG IF WE DON'T HAVE A PLACE TO LIVE IN??? ANIMALS AND PLANTS HAVE TO LIVE TO MAKE EARTH AN.. WE JUST DISTROY IT.THE LEAST WE COULD DO IS CLEAN UP THE HOME THAT IS SHARED TO US. THIS MACHINE IS DOESN'T CHANGE THE WORLD, THE AIR IS GETTING MORE POLUTED SO YOU MIGHT THINK ABOUT COVERING YOUR SEXY YOUTH FACE WITH A MASK!