Mar 21 2009 Astronaut To Test New Non-Stink Underwear

That's right, Japanese astronaut Koichi Wakata is slated to test a new kind of underwear during his current visit to the space station. The "state-of-the-art" undies were designed "to reduce the smells in normal clothing, absorb sweat and provide insulation."

The underwear, developed by Japanese researchers, are made of antibacterial polymers and are fire-resistant.

Astronauts normally change their clothes every three days.

Koichi will attempt to wear the underwear for a full seven days. Which, if successful, will only be 9 days short of my record. And, if you think I'm kidding, ask my dry cleaners. Well, my ex dry cleaners. I am so stinky!

Astronaut tests non-smelly super pants in space [metro]

Thanks to Thumperchica, who doesn't care because she doesn't wear underwear. I'm with you, girl -- high five! No? Helicopter!

Mar 21 2009 Waveform Bracelets Are A Clever Idea

The Sound Advice Project was designed to help parents keep their kids off drugs by giving them a reminder of how much they're loved and how bad drugs are. In this case, it's a bracelet that says, in waveform, something like "you're way too cool for drugs", or, "drugs will make your penis shrink". Thankfully, for $18 you can go to the website and record whatever message you want. I decided to made one for myself with one of my favorite inspirational messages from the bible, "When in doubt, PEW PEW PEW". *WHA-PISSSH!* Whoa, what was that? You getting bible-belted, son!

Waveform bracelet displays sound advice [dvice]

Mar 21 2009 Sad: Text Messages For The Friendless

Fiona Carswell is a friendless hag who lives in the woods and tries to entice children into her gingerbread house to eat them. Just kidding, I'm sure she's cool and has tons of friends. But that didn't stop her from designing 'Cell Stickies', which are electro-static stickers with fake text messages you stick on your iPhone when you're feeling down. Because let's face it, nothing boosts one's spirit like catching yourself sticking a fake text message sticker on your cell phone. Am I right? Oooh -- a text. "You are right. As usual." Haha, just as I thought! And here comes another! "You gave me herpes." Shit.

Cell Stickies For The Truly Delusional [ohgizmo]

Mar 20 2009 Robot Parties Actually Sound Kind Of Fun

NOTE: VIDEO IS SLIGHTLY NSFW DUE TO LANGUAGE.

This is a rap about a robot party that Shredder threw at the Technodrome. It sounds pretty epic, and I wish I could have been there. Also, that banjo-toting pedobear from Chuck-E-Cheese's touched my butt when I was a kid. Just sayin'.

Robot Party [funnyordie]

Thanks to Erin, who apparently gets invited to all these parties. Hey, how about taking me next time?

Mar 20 2009 Underwater Volcano: Ka-Boom Shacka Lacka!

That's right folks, an underwater volcano off the coast of Tonga (near Fiji) has been erupting recently, causing all kinds of mean-nasty things to happen. Just kidding. There has been some smoke and ash though.

Scientists sailed Thursday to inspect an undersea volcano that has been erupting for days near Tonga -- shooting smoke, steam and ash thousands of feet into the sky above the South Pacific ocean.

Authorities said Thursday the eruption does not pose any danger to islanders at this stage, and there have been no reports of fish or other animals being affected.

Really, no reports of fish or animals being affected? I find that a little hard to believe. Come on now folks, I'm not five anymore, I can take some deceased fishes. Seriously, you don't have secretly replace my dead hamster with one that looks like him. Wait, you did what? NOOOOOOO -- NOT MR. CHEEKEYS! WAAAAAAAAA, I JUST WANT TO DIE!

Hit the jump for a worthwhile VIDEO of the action.

Continue Reading " Underwater Volcano: Ka-Boom Shacka Lacka! "

Mar 20 2009 He's So Cute!: Ninja Cat Part Two Three

Remember ninja cat? How could you forget, that furry little bastard was cute, cute, cute! And how about ninja cat two? That one was a scrumptious little muffin-top too! And now, ninja cat 3! Oh, and I love the sound the guy makes in the end. Sounds like....victory.

Ninja Kitteh Part 2! [icanhascheezburger]

Thanks to Amanda and Jared, who once battled ninja cats for 14 hours straight before admitting defeat.

Mar 20 2009 Now Now, Play Nice: Aliens Vs. Predator Ads

This is a set of print ads run by a New Zealand cable channel advertising its upcoming showing of Aliens vs. Predator. As you can see (if Geekologie hasn't burnt out your retinas yet) they feature an Alien vs. Predator playing together civilly. This one is chess, but hit the jump to see pool and swingball. And speaking of swingball -- go ahead, give them a kick. Go on -- I can take it. Wait wait wait, I'm not rea--OH OFFFFOW OWW OWW OWW OOOOOOOWW OWW OW OW OH STOP OH STOP UHHH UUHH UUHH I CAN'T BREATHE STOP UHHH UUHHHH. Oh yeah, that's the stuff.

Hit it for the others.

Continue Reading " Now Now, Play Nice: Aliens Vs. Predator Ads "

Mar 20 2009 Okay: Robo-Fish To Detect Ocean Pollution

This robotic fish, which looks like it was made out of precious jewels, isn't, but was actually created to detect pollutants in the earth's oceans.

The 1.5 meter long robotic fish each requires about $30,000 to make. Their purpose is to head out into the open water, take in data about water pollutants, return to a charging station about every 8 hours and while charging, submit data about water quality.

The issues with this first batch of fish is pretty clear - they're way too expensive to be made in numbers big enough to be very helpful; their charge lasts just 8 hours so they aren't able to have a very large range away from their charging stations; they run a pretty good risk of getting a bite taken out of them.

$30,000? Jesus. For half the cost of a single fish I'll rent a paddle boat and troll the underwater sensors myself. I swear, these idiotic scientists think a robot is the solution to every freaking problem. Which leads me to my next question -- how much do you think a robotic fish would fetch on eBay? Wow, really? Grab your tacklebox and meet me by the dinghy!

Video of the very life-like swimming fish after the jump.

Continue Reading " Okay: Robo-Fish To Detect Ocean Pollution "

Mar 20 2009 The Imperial March Played On A Hard Drive

We've already heard the Imperial March played on an old floppy disk and a Tesla coil, so why not a hard drive? Dum Dum Dum, Dum-te-Dum, Dum-te-Dum. It's like you're really there! You know, in outerspace. Look, there's Darth Vader! Ackkk -- he's force-choking me, quick, somebody take off his helmet! ZOMG -- WTF is that?! Back on, back on!

Youtube

Thanks to the-iguana, who doesn't change colors. That's a chameleon, silly!

Mar 20 2009 A Periodic Table Of Final Fantasy Characters

Loyal Geekologie Reader Rafi, inspired by all of the recent periodic tables featured, decided to make his own -- of Final Fantasy characters (full-size version HERE)! WHOOWEEWHOOOOO!

In this table you'll find the atomic numbers and symbols, as well as:

* Characters from Final Fantasy I through the upcoming XIII
* Heroes, villains, monsters, and summons from throughout the series
* Minor characters as well (because it was a stretch to match some symbols)

Impressive work, Rafi. Lots of familiar looking faces in the bunch. Now somebody make a periodic table of Geekologie and we'll be all set....for HYPERDYPER-DRIVE! VAVAVA ARRRARAAROOOOOOMM!! SPPPSSSHOOOWW!! *SPACESHIP SOUNDS* BEEPITY BOP BEEEPITY POW POW *sputter* SSSHOOOOOOOM!*

*GW not responsibly for what he types in spaceship mode or when he's been drinking. PEWITY PEW HORF PEW!

Periodic Table of Final Fantasy characters [raficus]

Mar 20 2009 Bus Stop Shames You Into Joining The Gym

Fitness First is a gym in the Netherlands that installed this advertisement at a local bus stop. It has a scale attached to the seat so when you sit on it (with legs hanging) it shows your weight. It's supposed to make you think about your health and joining the gym. But all it made me think about was how long it takes to cook a 68kg turkey.

Fat Shaming at the Bus Stop [current]

Thanks to Jonathan, who once hid lead weights in his pumpkin to win the heaviest pumpkin contest at the county fair.

Mar 19 2009 WTF Was That?: 'Put It On A Hook' A Rap Video Featuring Mario, Link And Mega Man

NOTE: VIDEO IS PROBABLY NSFW DUE TO LANGUAGE

I have no idea what I just watched but it had Mario, Link, and Megaman standing around drinking beer, taking bong hits and fishing. Which makes it the coolest thing I've seen all day not.*

*BBW holding 'I Heart Geekologie Sign' excluded.

Put it on a hook - A rap video (featuring mario, link and megaman) by Inhumans [funnyordie]

Thanks again to Julian, who once caught a great white by dangling his hammerhead in the water. HIYO!

Mar 19 2009 Mmmm, The Most Delicious Resignation Ever

When Neil Berrett decided it was time to put in his two-weeks notice he did it deliciously -- with a cake! The cake reads as follows:

Dear Mr. Bowers,

During the past three years, my tenure at the Hunters Point Naval Shipyard has been nothing short of pure excitement, joy and whim.

However, I have decided to spend more time with my family and attend to health issues that have recently arisen. I am proud to have been part of such an outstanding team and I wish this organization only the finest in future endeavors.

Please accept this cake as notification that I am leaving my position with NWT on March 27.

Sincerely,

W. Neil berrett

Nice one, Neil. I typically like to go out with an f-bomb parade or a good old fashioned Xerox'ed penis, but hey, whatever cracks your tractor.

Man resigns from job by handing in notice on cake [telegraph]

Thanks to Julian, who resigned from his last job with a gallon of gasoline and box of matches. Oooh, going away fireworks!

Mar 19 2009 Segway Shmegway -- I Want A Cajun Crawler

Segways are stupid and have wheels. Cajun Crawlers are awesome and have little feet that can scurry you across the room like a bug quicker than you can say, "Gob would love this!"

Based on the work of kinetic sculptor Theo Jansen, the Cajun Crawler holds up a Segway-style platform with a scary collection of steampunk-like mechanical legs, which can scurry across a floor with surprising agility. The project was built by a team of folks at the University of Louisiana.

Skip to about 1:00 for the action to begin. And action it is! My God that thing is creepy as all hell. One part of me wants to yell "ROBOT!" and smash it to pieces but another wants to ride it into the gently rolling surf until I'm submerged, where I'll be greeted by topless mermaids whom I will pose with and then post the pictures on my Facebook. Later that night, I'll come back with a snorkel and seduce one into living in my bathtub. Just like Tom Hanks in Splash, but with a harpoon.

Cajun Crawler swaps Segway wheels for Theo Jansen's creepy leg mechanism [engadget]

Thanks to Leon, The Short One and Phecda, who are cool with just walking.

Mar 19 2009 I'll Never Work Again!: Giant Tetris Online

Looking for a great way to piss away your work day? How about starting a giant game of Tetris? Even after a full eight hours of gameplay you'll probably be nowhere! The screencap here is of me playing for five minutes, and then letting it drop shapes on its own for another 2 hours and 42 minutes (larger version HERE). You can leave your desk, go take a nap in your car, and have barely missed a thing. WHEE! I double-dog-dare somebody to fill the whole thing except for a line on one of the sides. You would be my hero! And also, a loser. Mostly a loser. DO IT!

UPDATE: Added a screen cap of some art Geekologie Reader Colunista created with the game, after the jump.

Continue Reading " I'll Never Work Again!: Giant Tetris Online "

Mar 19 2009 She Loves Me!: Gamer Girl Loves Geekologie

Well, maybe not me, but she does love Geekologie. Remember yesterday's gamer girl post? Well, she commented on it, you can read her comment HERE (#148). And also, she sent me an email, which read:

Hi, I saw the thread with me in it and find it hilarious. I love your site.

I would like you to post this pic, and you can quote me as saying "YAY! II finally graduated 4Chan!"

Geekologie loves you too, Reenaye. And congratulations on graduating 4chan! Moving on to Geekologie is a big step in every internet celebrity's life. Best wishes. And also: if you happened to send a couple pictures of yourself cosplaying as Zelda while riding on the back of an inflatable dinosaur with the Master Sword between your teeth, you know, that would be totally cool with me.

Mar 19 2009 Take It Seriously: Robot Attack Insurance

This is a Saturday Night Live skit from like 1995, so it's old as all hell, I know that. But I think it's important to note how much more seriously people used to take the robot threat than they do now. What's going on? Ya best protect ya neck! And now, thanks to Old Glory Insurance, geriatrics can be attacked by killer robots worry-free of the financial burden often caused by such maulings. Unfortunately, you're on your own if you're under 50, so I recommend doing what I did and wearing a fake mustache. I say, how about that '64 World's Fair? First trip Gertie and I ever took to the Big Apple. I remember she flashed her tits to the butter sculptor. Good times. I'll take $1 million policy, please.

Old Glory [hulu]

Thanks to Stephanie, who may or may not have taken policies out on the old folks who live next door and then reprogrammed their Roomba.

Mar 19 2009 Aww: Injured Bat Blasts Off For Outerspace

A Free-Tailed Chiroptera bat, believed to have recently injured its wing and shoulder, clung to the foam exterior of the Space Shuttle's fuel tank just before launch on the morning of Sunday, March 15th. And moments later, as the shuttle took off, he became....Space Bat.

*music fades in* I believe I can fly, I believe I can touch the....oh shit -- broken wing, I'm screwed. Quick, I'll just hold on to this thing. Whoa, what was that noise? Oh God, oh God -- WHEEEEEEEEEE!!

Per NASA:

The animal likely perished quickly during Discovery's climb into orbit.

*music abruptly stops* Wow NASA, way to inspire. You know what -- I don't even want to be an astronaut anymore, I want to be a policeman.

This post dedicated to the memory of Space Bat, who reminds us all: Aim for the moon....even if you miss, you'll burn up in the atmosphere.

Tribute video to Space Bat after the jump.

Continue Reading " Aww: Injured Bat Blasts Off For Outerspace "

Mar 19 2009 Beer2D2: The Most Delicious Robot Yet

Beer2D2 is the illegitimate child of BaR2D2 and a cocktail waitress (or this amp) and makes beer-fetching robots obsolete because he IS the beer. What's your new alcohol-toting buddy made of?

Beer2's technical specs:

Head - 1945 chrome BLC utility light shell.
Eye - vintage movie camera lens w/adjustable spring-loaded aluminum casing.
Body - 4.7 liter "adult soda" mini-keg.
Legs - propane tank valve handles, brass spacers, drilled-out washers, pair of aluminum Lady Josephine shoe butler (wall-mounted shoe shine holders).
Feet/base - 3 mini bread loaf pans, lamp hardware and a 1/2″ precision drilled aluminum base plate.
+assorted nuts, bolts, screws and, of course - lockwashers!

Daddy, I want a Beer2D2 and I want it noooooooow! GLUG GLUG GLUG. Oh yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about -- robot brains. Hey, no biting! ZA-ZA-ZA-ZING!

Beer2-D2 [make]

Thanks to jj, who noted that this droid is indeed, "Rad to the power of Sith". And Alan, who accidentally left the tap open and drained R2 of all his deliciousness. Damn you!

Mar 18 2009 BigDog: Now With More Horns, Goring

Remember Boston Dynamic's BigDog? Well they decided it'd be funny to put horns on it and pretend like it's a bull. As you can see, it's not humorous. Nope, not one bit. I don't care if you paint its face and have it make balloon animals at the fair, BigDog will never be funny. Or cute. Not even with a furry little bunny tail and dressed like a schoolgirl. Which, ZOMG.....

dinosaursdressedlikeschoolgirls.com!

Video: BigDog turned into BigBull (with BigHorns) [engadget]

Thanks to Julian and Pete, who could totally ride that thing for the full 8 seconds.

Mar 18 2009 Hey, Gamer Chicks Need Love Too (Call Me)

Is that Megatron? He looks....different. Jowly. Really jowly. Transform and rolls out!

Thanks to gizmoduck, who is a chick but dresses like Link. Which, hey, is a-okay in my book (send pictures).

Mar 18 2009 Tool Box Must: Multi-Purpose Halligan Rescues Kittens From Burning Buildings And Brains Zombies With Equal Dexterity

The Halligan Bar is a tool used by both fire fighters and rescue workers to bash open doors, pry shit off other shit, and all around beat the hell out of stuff. And now you can own one. The 30" bar is available in alloy steel (10 lbs, $195) and titanium (5.25 lbs, $555) and is a must-have for anybody with any interest in surviving the zombie apocalypse. Just imagine a zombie's head on the end of that thing. Oh I'm sorry, did I just get you excited? Good, meet me in the janitor's closet in five. Now, don't get up as the same time as me, someone might get suspicious. Or, in The Superficial Writer's case, jealous. THERE WAS NO SPARK -- move on already.

Halligan Bar [cooltools]

Thanks to hayden, who once punched a zombie in the mouth so hard all its teeth fell out so hayden gathered them all up and put them under a pillow but the tooth fairy didn't come. What a sham!

Mar 18 2009 Rare Quadruple Moon Transit On Saturn

Will you look at that -- four of Saturn's moons (from left to right) Enceladus, Dione, Titan, and Mimas, all transiting its face at the same time. Amazing! This picture was taken by the Hubble Space Telescope and just recently released by NASA. You know, pictures like this really get me thinking about the beauty of space and just how small we are compared to the vast expanse outside our own atmosphere. Also, naked-ass aliens gettin' freaky deaky on the moon.

Hit the jump for a cool time lapse photo of the transit in progress.

Continue Reading " Rare Quadruple Moon Transit On Saturn "

Mar 18 2009 Imperial March Tesla Coil And Faraday Suit

This is some guy testing his new Faraday suit with a Tesla coil playing the Imperial March. It looks like fun. And by fun I mean this guy is nuts. I don't care how harmless it is, you just don't go messing around with something that looks that much like lightning. Reminds me of the time I accidentally broke one of those plasma lamps at Spencer's Gifts. You know what happened? An electric plasma ball escaped and blew up the food court. Also, it told me to look under a dressing room door at Victoria's Secret. True story.

Youtube

Thanks to JAG and Martyn, who have both beat Zeus in an arm-wrestling match and then called him a sissy and struck him with a bolt of his own lightning. Hardcore to power of Mount Olympus!

Mar 18 2009 Percent Of Student Virgins Per College Major

As you can see, majoring in Mathematics or Chemistry pretty much guarantees you a sexless college experience. Good for you, hopefully you took a purity pledge or something. Now, if you'll excuse me, "CALLING ALL FEMALE STUDIO ART MAJORS, PARTY AT MY HOUSE -- BRING FINGERPAINT."

Virginity rates among students by major [forwardon]

Thanks to Julian (a poli-sci major) and Romeo, who majored in Juliet. HIYO!

Mar 18 2009 I've Seen It All Now: Extreme LED Sheep Art

This video has to be seen to be believed. Some guys strapped LED covered vests on sheep and then had the dogs herd them in specific patterns to create ridiculous art on a hillside in Wales. They even play a game of Pong and recreate the Mona Lisa using different colored LEDs on sheep in a pen. You just have to watch it to understand. Then, I think we'll all agree, sheep: not just for sex anymore.

Youtube
via
Sheep-Powered LED Display Lights Up Welsh Hillside [gizmodo]

Thanks to Grey and Kim, who have never gotten tender with sheep. OR SO THEY SAY!

Mar 18 2009 Where Do I Buy?: Pillows For Working Late

'Pillows for working late' is a three-piece ensemble created by Polish designer Maja Ganszyniec. It comes with a collar, tie and sleeve that are soft and the perfect place to lay your head should you find yourself dozing off at your desk. I don't think you have to be working late to use them. I mean, I just got to work and I can barely keep my eyessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

Whoa, I just had a dream I came to work naked. Oh, uh-oh. Think they'll send me home if I run over my penis with an office chair?

'Pillows for working late' makes your desk better than your bed [dvice]

Mar 17 2009 These Beats Are Sooo Fresh: The Ocarinas Of Rhyme, TWO Different Zelda Rap Albums

That's right folks: not one but TWO different rap albums set to the beats of Zelda games dropping on the same day -- with the same name! What are the odds? Pretty good considering one of the guys (Sleaze) thinks his idea was stolen. Anyway, first there is Team Teamwork Presents The Ocarina of Time, which features the music of Hyrule and Zelda games set to raps by famous artists. But then there's Sleaze's (who may or may not be this guy) Ocarina of Rhyme with all original raps by himself. So, who will slay Gannon? Who will win Hyrule? And who will bang Zelda while the other plays with himself in the Lost Woods while that creepy kid with the mask watches? You decide.

Hit the jump for audio samples of each, and the links to download (for free).

Continue Reading " These Beats Are Sooo Fresh: The Ocarinas Of Rhyme, TWO Different Zelda Rap Albums "

Mar 17 2009 One Day Only: Star Wars Bobble Heads

Woot.com's sale today is six random Star Wars bobble heads for $30 + $5 shipping. At first I thought it sounded like a ripoff because they look tiny, but each figure actually stands over 7" tall, so it's still a ripoff. Haha -- you still bought them didn't you? I call the Jawa if you get one!

Woot.com

Thanks to Mariah, who doesn't deal with bobble heads because she needs a real man.

Mar 17 2009 Oh Grow Up: Flat Worms Fencing....Sexually

I know, I know, I should grow up. I just can't help myself. At least not when there's penis fencing involved. Superficial Writer, en garde!

Youtube

Thanks to LeftRIGHTleft, a college champion in Tit Kwon Do.

Mar 17 2009 The World's Most Cussingest Video Game

Goes to Sega's The House of the Dead: Overkill for the Wii, with over 189 f-bombs dropped throughout the game. This knowledge comes to us from the ever diligent Guiness World Book of Records, who have apparently started recording the number of bad words in video games in addition to the world's longest toenails. Good for you. And what did Headstrong Games' writer Jonathan Burroughs have to say about the feat?

It is a dubious honour to receive such an accolade working in an industry where so often the fruits of your labours are derided and dismissed for being puerile or irresponsible, but in the case of The House of the Dead: OVERKILL a little puerility was the order of business. Parodying the profane excess of grindhouse cinema was Headstrong Games' objective and I am flattered that this record acknowledges that we not only rose to that challenge, but entirely exceeded it.

Nice. Do you see what happens? Do you see what happens, Jonathan? DO YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FIND A STRANGER IN THE ALPS!?! Congratulations. And also, OVER THE LINE! Mark it zero dude, next frame.

House Of The Dead: Overkill Sets World Record For Swearing [vgchartz]

Thanks to Julian, who once got kicked out of a class in college for cussing but then went to visit his professor during office hours and totally made out with her. Yeah, on her gradebook and everything. So, high-five for that, Julian.

Mar 17 2009 Scientists Build Mosquito-Killing Laser Beam

In an attempt to take a bite out of malaria (suck it, McGruff!), scientists are developing a mosquito laser capable of protecting an entire village from the evil, biting bastards. Think bug-zapper times a thousand, to the power of PEW.

The laser, which has been dubbed a "weapon of mosquito destruction" fires at mosquitoes once it detects the audio frequency created by the beating of its wings.

The laser beam then destroys the mosquito, burning it on the spot.

Developed by some of the astrophysicists involved in what was known as the "Star Wars" anti-missile programs during the Cold War, the project is meant to prevent the spread of malaria.

Lead scientist on the project, Dr. Jordin Kare, told CNN that the laser would be able to sweep an area and "toast millions of mosquitoes in a few minutes."

Sounds good to me, I hate mosquitoes. I used to post up in front of the bug-zapper in a lawn chair with a case of beer and just watch those suckers get toasted. And speaking of which -- HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY EVERYONE, I'M DRINKING GREEN BEER! Or pickle juice, I can't tell! WHOO!

'Star Wars' scientists create laser gun to kill mosquitoes [cnn]

Thanks to xhaju, Bryan, spudtheimpaler, Jason, Blinzler and Fong, who can catch mosquitoes with chopsticks because they trained with Mr. Miyagi.

Mar 17 2009 No, Those Aren't Gaudy: Golden Speakers

Everybody knows gold makes for quality audio cable and connectors, but how does it fare as an actual speaker exterior? Pretty freaking ugly if you ask me. But England's Gold Acoustics seems to think there's something to it, because their GA Star line of speakers come complete with gold plating. These things would look great in your house right next to me kicking your ass, don't you think? No word on cost, but I'm going to go out on a limb and....AAAAAAAAAAAAHH! *thud*

Add some bling to your audio rig with Gold Acoustics speakers [dvice]

Mar 17 2009 Soccer Moms Outraged At Grown Up Dora

Apparently Mattel and Nickelodeon rolled out an image of a new "tween" Dora the Explorer last week and a lot of soccer moms are super pissed she's not the chubby little midriff-flashing five year-old she used to be. So Nickelodeon had to fire back.

"I think there was just a misconception in terms of where we were going with this," Gina Sirard, vice president of marketing at Mattel, says. "Pretty much the moms who are petitioning aging Dora up certainly don't understand. ... I think they're going to be pleasantly happy once this is available in October, and once they understand this certainly isn't what they are conjuring up."

"The reason for creating this new Dora line is to offer an alternative to moms who want their daughters to stay little girls, a little longer," the statement concludes. The Tween Dora doll comes with a USB port and is compatible with online story lines.

First of all, who cares. And secondly, Dora's mom, and this is just between you and me -- I think she's taking Fen-Phen.

New Tween "Dora The Explorer" Revealed [ohnotheydidnt] (with some pretty funny comments if you're bored)

Thanks to Duran, who's still pissed his children's show Tucker the Spelunker never took off.

Mar 17 2009 PEW PEW Goes The Debt Star

I'm only posting this because I have a contractual obligation to post anything Death Star related. Also, I secretly enjoy watching you folks duke it out in the comments section Special Olympics style. However, in the case of this poster, I believe it actually carries a powerful political message. One about mediocre Photoshop skills, and also, Ewoks. My God they're delicious. "Gunta, che-ya gobu fenga wa!" Haha, shut up and get back on the grill.

Thanks to The Blue Bass, who didn't specify if he was large or smallmouth.

Mar 16 2009 ZOMG, The Best Crane Game EVER!

Hey, your guess is as good as mine. Provided you guessed "awesome", and, "give me another quarter". Also, I really love how you can see the Winnie the Pooh stuffed animals in the machine next to it. But moooom, I don't want another Winnie, I want a boobie.

Thanks to towhee, whose sweater puppets put those things to shame.

Mar 16 2009 The Sci-Fi Channel Is Changing Its Name

To SyFy. Why? Well, I don't know why. But like Nas says in 'The Message', "a thug changes, and love changes, and best friends become strangers. Word up." Word up indeed, Nas, thanks for that.

By changing the name to Syfy, which remains phonetically identical, the new brand broadens perceptions and embraces a wider range of current and future imagination-based entertainment beyond just the traditional sci-fi genre, including fantasy, supernatural, paranormal, reality, mystery, action and adventure. It also positions the brand for future growth by creating an ownable trademark that can travel easily with consumers across new media and nonlinear digital platforms, new international channels and extend into new business ventures.

"Imagine Greater" will become the new brand message and tagline, inviting both consumers and advertisers into a new era of unlimited imagination, exceptional experiences and greater entertainment.

I didn't actually bother reading any of that, but I think it said something about becoming a much more generic cable station and not playing reruns of Star Trek: TNG anymore. Smart move. And speaking of which, rook to D2. Checkmate, bitches!

http://scifiwire.com/2009/03/sci-fi-channel-to-become.php [scifiwire]

Thanks to big jerm and Mike, who were going to change their names but realized they'd have to get new vanity license plates and decided against it.

Mar 16 2009 Real Life Spider-Man: Paralyzed Man Walks Again Thanks To Brown Recluse Spider Bite

David Blancarte lost the use of his legs nearly 21 years ago in a motorcycle accident. And now, thanks to the bite of brown recluse, he can walk again.

I'm here for a spider bite. I didn't know I would end up walking," says David.

A nurse noticed David's leg spasm and ran a test on him. "When they zapped my legs, I felt the current, I was like 'whoa' and I yelled," he says. He felt the current and the rush of a renewed sense of hope. "She says,'your nerves are alive. They're just asleep'," explained David.

Five days later David was walking.

David basks in his glory and gives a ray of hope to other hoping to walk again. The 48-year-old former boxer and dancer is taking it in stride, knowing his best days are still ahead.

David's dream is to see his 14-year-old twin daughters grow up and get married so he can walk them down the aisle and have that first dance.

Well ain't that some cockle-warming Peter Parker/John Locke shit! To tell you the truth, I haven't been having much luck with my manhood lately, and I did see a black widow out by my treefort yesterday....

IT BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURNS!!!

UPDATE: And it just fell off. Great.

Hit the jump for a news report video for those of you who can't read.

Continue Reading " Real Life Spider-Man: Paralyzed Man Walks Again Thanks To Brown Recluse Spider Bite "

Mar 16 2009 Steampunk Frankenstein iPod Victrola Thing

I have no idea what you're looking at either. But whatever it is, it's looking back. Apparently it's some sort of custom iPod Nano (1st gen) case and docking station. I SAID STOP STARING AT ME. That's it, where's my laser pointer?

The design is inspired by Mary Shelley's Frankenstein. The "eye-Pod" can be worn on the wrist via the leather cuff, or placed on it's custom Victrola base. Music can be heard either through the Victrola horn or though a portable personal hearing apparatus (in progress).

All functionality of the iPod remain intact an a hidden USB cord retracts from the base to either a wall charger or your computer. There are hidden pressure plates that when touched send a strobing "static charge" into the quartz crystals on either side of the magnified viewing portal.

Cool. Lose the eyeball and I would proudly display it my living room. Just kidding, I wouldn't touch that thing with your penis. It's just not my style. But you know what IS my style? This Members Only jacket. You smell that? It's called freshness, son. Whoa -- except for that, that was partially digested Kid Cuisine. Sorry.

Hit the jump for a couple more of that oldschool joint.

Continue Reading " Steampunk Frankenstein iPod Victrola Thing "

Mar 16 2009 TA-DA!: Hubless Motorcycle Runs On Magic

This is a motorcycle with hubless wheels. Unfortunately, due to my tiny, dinosaur(loving) brain, I'm incapable of understanding how such future technology works. So this is when I copy/paste some quotes and wait for the next meteor to hit.

Hubless wheels work by fixing the rotating parts (brake ring, bearings, hubless rim) onto the outer side of a non-rotating inner ring that attaches to the motorcycle's swingarm or forks.

Advantages include decreased unsprung weight, reduced structural stress (no spokes to transmit forces through), increased braking leverage, more accurate steering, reduced vibration and a lower center of gravity.

Well hot damn! Let me just grab my leathers and we'll hit the road. I get to ride on the back though -- I'm rocking my chaps commando style. Hey, car behind me, get a load of this sexy ass! Haha, I know where you're going -- straight to BONERTOWN, USA! Oh, looks like you naturally swerve a little to the left.

Hit the jump for more pictures and a video of the magical wheels.

Continue Reading " TA-DA!: Hubless Motorcycle Runs On Magic "

Mar 16 2009 I'm Toasty: Pogo Failures Warm The Heart

Let's face it: watching people hurt themselves is one of life's most simple and rewarding pleasures. Especially when they're doing something as stupid as extreme pogo-ing (if that's even a real thing. read: it's not). The video is 5:30 long, but the last two minutes don't have any pain, so you don't need to watch them. I did though, hoping they were building up to somebody losing the entire stick up their ass, but sadly, no.

Failed Pogo Stick Compilation [break]

Thanks to MoD, who doesn't have time to pogo because there's always a woman between his legs. Nice MoD, I want a woman there -- all I have is a lapdog.

Mar 16 2009 They're After Our Skinny Coke Whores!: Japanese Unveil Robotic Fashion Model

Developed by Japan's National Institute of Advanced Industrial Science and Technology (JAJINAS), HRP-4C is a robot designed to walk, talk, and work a catwalk like the sexy little vixen harbinger of death that she is.

Standing at just over 5-feet tall and 95-pounds....the she-bot features 30 motors spread throughout its body with an additional eight motors in its face for expressing general boredom and disgust with the help. Its main purpose is entertainment and to attract crowds much like its fleshy counterparts -- so don't expect home cooked meals and laundry service should you take the $200,000 robot home.

As is evident from the photo, that guy is a demented pervert. IT'S A ROBOT, BRO -- HER ASS IS METAL. Some people, I swear. So anyway, like I was saying: I hid in a bathroom stall at the Museum of Natural History this weekend until it closed and then had my way in the Hall of Dinosaurs. Best weekend EVER.

Hit the jump for another picture and a video proving why this is the worst model ever.

Continue Reading " They're After Our Skinny Coke Whores!: Japanese Unveil Robotic Fashion Model "

Mar 16 2009 Ooh La La: A Gallery Of X-Box 360 Mods

Personally, I like my XBox just the way it came: solid gold with diamond accents. But apparently some of you peasants like to glue plastic and shit to your XBoxes to make you feel special. Good for you. Hit the jump for a bunch more, including several Halo mods and a pretty sweet looking clock/tissue box combo. Now if you'll excuse me, I must call my servant to wipe my lips clean after breakfast. *ahem* Heeeeere kitty, kitty.

Hit it for a bunch more and the link to an even larger gallery.

Continue Reading " Ooh La La: A Gallery Of X-Box 360 Mods "

Mar 15 2009 Hands Down: The Worst Advertisement For Israeli Missiles I've Ever Seen

This is by far the most painful advertisement for exploding projectiles I've ever seen. Apparently Israeli missile-maker Rafael thought it would be a good idea to feature a traditional Bollywood song and dance number to drum up some incendiary business in India. They played the video at the recent Aero India 2009 in Bangalore. Was it successful? I sure hope not. And not just because I've been pitching my advertising services to Rafael. Tell me what you think of my latest commercial idea:

Wide shot of a desert quickly zooms in to a tight one of a lone watermelon on a folding table. Another quick zoom to a medium shot of the area surrounding the melon and table. Far off in the distance, a rumbling PEW PEW!. Soon, two missiles are seen cresting a mountain. As they approach, the camera man realizes he's been had and, dropping the camera, begins running. You see him fading off into the distance until *KA-BOOM!* he disappears in a massive explosion. As the smoke clears, you see his smoldering shoes. Then, at the bottom of the screen: "Expect the Unexpected. Rafael Missiles: Now with heat-seeking technology. Rafael -- When only the PEWIEST PEW will do."

Bollywood Missiles Ad Destroys My Ears, Eyes, Faith in Humanity [gizmodo]

Thanks to Martyn, who doesn't have to advertise his missile because the ladies already ask for it by name.

Mar 15 2009 Guy Loses Finger, Replaces With Flash Drive

Jerry Jalava is a hacker who lost half his left ring finger in a motorcycle accident and decided to replace the digit with a USB drive. So now he sports a rubber half-finger with thumb(!)drive inside. Awesome. Plus, if he ever has to wear a wedding ring it won't count because it's not a real finger. Am I right? Because that's why I cut mine off. Just kidding, I was really high and trying to make a bong in shop class.

Hit the jump for three more shots of the digital digitry.

Continue Reading " Guy Loses Finger, Replaces With Flash Drive "

Mar 15 2009 The Periodic Table Of Video Game Charcters

Wow, what a periodic weekend! First yesterday's table of typefaces, and now one of video game characters! WOO WOO! Hit THIS to see the thing in its entirety. So, what do you think? Personally, I think it's questionable as hell. It looks like they just threw characters into spots based on their names with no regard for valence shells or reactivity. Now, I hate to be a stickler for science, but why is Neon dry humping his bed's footboard?

IHC's Periodic Table of Video Game Characters [iheartchaos]

Thanks to JJ, who's smart enough to realize Raiden and Kratos don't belong in the noble gases.