Feb 26 2009I Knew It!: Violent Video Games Helps Prepare Children For The Coming Apocalypse
This is an Onion News roundtable discussion on the benefit of children playing violent video games. And as I suspected, violent games do, in fact, prepare the world's youth for the coming apocalypse.
Playing video games all day, alone and friendless, is simply the best way we have to prepare our children for a life of solitude in a barren wasteland.
Finally, somebody speaking some sense. So fret not, parents, buying your children violent video games might just provide them with the know-how they need to survive in the the future. Or, I dunno, bring a gun to school. Either one.
Are Violent Video Games Adequately Preparing Children For The Apocalypse? [theonion]
Thanks to Mister Tiddles, who I think might be a cat.
Related Stories
Robopocalyptic Proof: News From The Future (06/24/2009)
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They're After Our Children!: Robot Substitute (03/11/2009)
Reader Comments
1. lol - February 26, 2009 1:06 PM
lolfirst
2. not that baaaaaaad - February 26, 2009 1:07 PM
check it out! it is the mobieus syndrome chick (0:17) finding porn on a used laptop!!
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/29389379#29389379
FTW
3. Pew³ - February 26, 2009 1:08 PM
All your base are belong to us!
I'm in yur base killin yur d00dz!
4. Pew³ - February 26, 2009 1:10 PM
So i'm hearing that you are trying to find rich love. How about you try___Millionaire Loving co m_____ The only site with real millionaires wanting to meet love with people just like you
5. poodles - February 26, 2009 1:13 PM
2012
6. rancor - February 26, 2009 1:13 PM
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Pew Pew Pew
No love for you
7. I'm a Computer - February 26, 2009 1:14 PM
who just pooped in my pants?
8. poodles - February 26, 2009 1:19 PM
rancor just so you know when something is to the third power it breaks down like this:
pew^3
pew x pew x pew
this would equal only one pew, not three.
9. Elwood Moose - February 26, 2009 1:20 PM
Lies.. all lies.
Iplayed "Lemmings"(TM) religiously for three years back in 1986, and now I find myself completely ill prepared for corporate life.
Mind you, I also played alot of Pac man, and now I am a 387 pound behemoth who hasn't left his own apartment in 7 years. So Kudos to you Onion round table!
10. pwall5000 - February 26, 2009 1:25 PM
@9 You're never going to lose any weight with a name like Elwood Moose. Change your name and do a sit-up, fatboy!
11. LSDiesel - February 26, 2009 1:33 PM
I love Fallout 3. Absolutely love it.
12. catch22 - February 26, 2009 1:44 PM
when i was playing fallout 2 way back when i decided i was good and ready
...now that i have fallout 3, i KNOW i'm good and ready
and any friends i have that arent useful, i will totally cannibalize
13. Pew³ - February 26, 2009 1:50 PM
@4 Imposter!
@8. That's assuming your giving pew the value of 1 (1x1x1=1)
But if you give Pew the power of midget porn balloon animals fighting.
(pew x pew x pew= I like turtles!)
You see how that works!
14. poodles - February 26, 2009 1:53 PM
@13
"pew^3= I like turtles"
- you are definitely right, my math skills must have slipped... thank you for the correction.
15. rancor - February 26, 2009 1:59 PM
I would have to agree with the fake/real Pew on this one.
Whoever you are Pew you are a legend.
Math is a strong point for most people who blog here, I was merely trying to make a haiku, failed miserably and just went with a simple rhyme.
My bad pooodles.
16. LSDiesel - February 26, 2009 2:00 PM
@15, I have a black belt in Haiku.
17. poodles - February 26, 2009 2:03 PM
@15
my failure in not recognizing the haiku format.
18. poodles - February 26, 2009 2:14 PM
even though yeah... it wasn't a haiku
19. Gordon "Fücking" Shumway - February 26, 2009 2:16 PM
What am I prepared for? I'll tell you what. I'm prepared for large, multicolored blocks to fall from the sky, interlock to form complete rows, then disappear only to fall faster every 10 completions. The horror! THE HORROR!
20. poodles - February 26, 2009 2:18 PM
pew pew oh pew pew
we break from you with no love
now this is haiku
21. Gordon "Fücking" Shumway - February 26, 2009 2:19 PM
I smell biscuts
22. Ocelot - February 26, 2009 2:19 PM
Finally someone realized the true purpose of next generation gaming. Now I can fight my parents!
23. rancor - February 26, 2009 2:22 PM
See now that was an amazing haiku @20
Applause please
24. Amy - February 26, 2009 2:22 PM
DO WANT!!!
25. $.02 and a pocket full of FAH-Q - February 26, 2009 2:24 PM
I'm fairly certain that Duck Hunt, Street Fighter, MegaMan X, and Mortal Kombat taught me everything I've ever need to know in life.
26. poodles - February 26, 2009 2:25 PM
::bows::
27. Amy - February 26, 2009 2:48 PM
Haiku contest?
I will blow your faces off.
With my frag grenade.
28. $.02 and a pocket full of FAH-Q - February 26, 2009 3:00 PM
27- isn't Haiku structured in a 3:5:3 or 5:7:5 format? Yours is 4:7:4... Did I forget something?
29. Gordon "Fücking" Shumway - February 26, 2009 3:26 PM
@28 You're a little off. #27 fails because their structure is 4:7:5
30. $.02 and a pocket full of FAH-Q - February 26, 2009 3:31 PM
Thank You Gordon
It now makes more sense to me
I now get Haiku.
31. Right Fury - February 26, 2009 3:41 PM
@LSdiesel
True. Fallout3 is incredible. Have you been to the deathclaw enclave yet? Bring a friend.
I'm a huge fan of the scoped .44/gunslinger/sniper/action boy. pew! headshot
32. Gordon "Fücking" Shumway - February 26, 2009 3:48 PM
@30
Thumper, I think I love you.
33. $.02 and a pocket full of FAH-Q - February 26, 2009 4:21 PM
Gordon equals LIE
Now my last Haiku must die
damn geekologie.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Haiku
34. Amy - February 26, 2009 4:41 PM
Garrr. Sorry guys. I counted haiku as 3 syllables, since technically, it IS 3 syllables in Japanese, and since it's a Japanese word, well then!
35. Amy - February 26, 2009 4:45 PM
I take it back guys
Japanese is no excuse
I just fail at life.
36. LSDiesel - February 26, 2009 4:55 PM
First of all,
If any of you knew
3:5:3 is SYLLABLES.
37. $.02 and a pocket full of FAH-Q - February 26, 2009 5:00 PM
Yeah, that's what WE were all talking about... LSD you whore...
38. $.02 and a pocket full of FAH-Q - February 26, 2009 5:04 PM
Oh I take back every dumb ass comment regarding Haiku. I apparently cannot read today.
39. formerly SPELLINGNAZI© - February 26, 2009 6:26 PM
Shit, I figured I was safe playing the GTA series. I gotta worry about zombies and mutants too? Fcuk, and 2012 is one year before my retirement....here comes stop-loss....goddammit.
and lol @ black belt in Haiku...
40. Amy - February 26, 2009 8:55 PM
Yay for Tom Robbins quotes!
41. Warrior - February 26, 2009 11:22 PM
I Learn how to save the world from apocalypse because of these,and some other games
42. Gordon "Fücking" Shumway - February 27, 2009 7:26 AM
@38
My cock grows
Thumperchica love
pants sticky
43. meym - March 1, 2009 8:35 AM
Apocalypse is comiiing !!!
44. CHOP SHOP - March 5, 2009 11:49 AM
Totally awesome the Onion video news. That segment is a common one and its one of the best. The way they argue about these absurd things is so spot on the way the real ones do it.