Jan 28 2009Fail: A Lesson In How Not To Kill Yourself
If you want to kill yourself by driving your beautifully rusting 1987 Dodge van off a cliff, make sure you catch enough air to not end up teetering on the edge of a precipice.
34-year-old Daniel J. Lyons and his sweet 1987 Dodge van bounced down the rocky side of the canyon at Colorado National Monument park this past Wednesday only to be brought to an abrupt halt by an outcropping. Rescue workers found him teetering over the 170-foot drop. Eventually, a litter was lowered over the edge and Lyons was pulled to safety.
Lyons is adamant the incident was an accident, but investigators couldn't find any skid marks or other signs of mishap, indicating this was, in fact, likely a suicide attempt. The van will remain perched on the cliff below Rim Rock Drive until authorities find a way to remove it or gravity has its way.
Jesus, I can think of a lot better ways to go than driving a perfectly good van off a cliff. Including, and currently limited to: mailing yourself. To the sun.
Hit the jump for a couple more amazing pictures.
Spectacular Suicide Attempt In Dodge Van Foiled By Pesky Cliff [jalopnik]
Thanks to Bungo, who once crossed the same canyon atop a rocket and made love to many beautiful groupies afterward.
Reader Comments
1. Cameron - January 28, 2009 5:45 PM
I would kill myself if I had to drive that van around all day, too.
2. gizmoduck - January 28, 2009 5:45 PM
chris dane owens is assumed
3. Kublai Khan - January 28, 2009 5:46 PM
last!
damnit
4. GTO--Josh - January 28, 2009 5:50 PM
El Smackto Asso Supremo
That is a sweet van. The national park service probably will not want that thing to fall into the gorge so they will have someone attach it to a Skycrane http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/f/fd/Sikorsky_Skycrane_carrying_house_bw.jpg and lift it out.
Would be too much damage to the park.
5. gizmoduck - January 28, 2009 5:55 PM
chris dane owens is the almighty, ultimate god of thunder
6. Moose Knuckle - January 28, 2009 5:55 PM
My preferred method of suicide would be calling Chuck Norris a fag to his face.
7. gizmoduck - January 28, 2009 5:57 PM
pssh.. chuck norris is over rated
the sexual tyrannosaurs rex can take him, just like me
8. gizmoduck - January 28, 2009 5:59 PM
sultry
9. Moose Knuckle - January 28, 2009 5:59 PM
"Overrated" I can live with,
Just don't call him a "slack-jawed faggot"
10. gizmoduck - January 28, 2009 6:01 PM
i aint got time to bleed
BUT
if it bleeds you can kill it
ahhhh, think about that.
11. Moose Knuckle - January 28, 2009 6:02 PM
What'samatta? They got you pushing too many pencils?
12. gizmoduck - January 28, 2009 6:05 PM
The only way outta here is that valley that leads to the east. But I wouldn't wish that on a broke-dick dog.
13. Moose Knuckle - January 28, 2009 6:09 PM
Not much choice
GET TO THE CHOPPAH!!!!!
14. Hunter - January 28, 2009 6:11 PM
Haha, suicide fail.
15. gizmoduck - January 28, 2009 6:11 PM
The other day, I went up to my girlfriend, I said, You 'know I'd like a little pussy. She said, Me too, mine's as big as a house!
See, she, she wanted a little one 'cause hers was...
... big as a house.
16. Moose Knuckle - January 28, 2009 6:12 PM
I was going down on my girlfriend and said "sheesh, you got a big pussy. Sheesh, you got a big pussy." And she said, "Why did you say that twice?" And I said "I didn't. it was the echo."
17. gizmoduck - January 28, 2009 6:14 PM
My men are not expendable. And I don't do this kind of work.
18. Pew³ - January 28, 2009 6:15 PM
Sorry, I feel asleep at the wheel, where were we?
19. gizmoduck - January 28, 2009 6:16 PM
It changed colors, like the chameleon, it uses the jungle.
20. Moose Knuckle - January 28, 2009 6:17 PM
We're a rescue team, not assassins
21. gizmoduck - January 28, 2009 6:22 PM
Son of a bitch is dug in like an Alabama tick.
22. gizmoduck - January 28, 2009 6:24 PM
Well, what are you gonna try next, cheese?
PS: we rule
23. GTO--Josh - January 28, 2009 6:25 PM
gizmo is a woman
24. Cameron - January 28, 2009 6:27 PM
I forgot; First!
Suck that, BITCHES!
25. Moose Knuckle - January 28, 2009 6:30 PM
Stick around
She's your baggage. You fall behind, and you're on your own
26. Pew³ - January 28, 2009 6:33 PM
Is that supposed to be a subtle hint?
27. gizmoduck - January 28, 2009 6:35 PM
You're ghostin' us, motherf***er. I don't care who you are back in the world, you give away our position one more time, I'll bleed ya, real quiet. Leave ya here. Got that?
28. (+.[___]-:-) - January 28, 2009 6:40 PM
That's some pretty fast pizza delivery service!
*rimshot*
29. Pew³ - January 28, 2009 6:43 PM
I...I can't tell.
30. Moose Knuckle - January 28, 2009 6:48 PM
Come on!!! I'm right here. What are you waiting for, Kill me, Do it now!!!
31. poster - January 28, 2009 6:51 PM
No daisy yet?
FAKE! OBVIOUS PHOTOSHOP JOB.
32. gizmoduck - January 28, 2009 6:51 PM
RRRAAAAAA
make a move now
33. Moose Knuckle - January 28, 2009 7:12 PM
We move. Five meter spread. No sound
34. Moose Knuckle - January 28, 2009 7:14 PM
Payback time...
35. JFreezy - January 28, 2009 7:16 PM
Predator FTW!!!!!!!!!! What that has to do with this post? I have no clue................
36. Mi - January 28, 2009 7:18 PM
its like when Kelso's van fell of the cliff on That 70's Show
37. Spikey DaPikey - January 28, 2009 7:27 PM
If i cover myself in mud, it cannot see me !
38. Daisy - January 28, 2009 7:38 PM
FAKE!!!!
This is a complete photoshop job. You can tell its a fake because the shadow's are all wrong.
This is exactly like that scene in the movie Never Back Down where Max and Baja were being chased by nazi's in a pinto. Max was running out of road on an unfinished overpass, he hit reverse and flipped his car backwards over the pinto which couldn't stop in time and plummeted to the ground an making a hole that Max subsequently jumped.
39. beebs - January 28, 2009 8:07 PM
well, you're not exactly going to care about your van if you dont care about your life. i say take everything down with you!
40. StShadow - January 28, 2009 8:27 PM
Goddamn jackpot
41. bust it - January 28, 2009 11:47 PM
see, Colorado IS that shitty...
i would drive my rapist van off a cliff too if i were him...
42. K4ot1K - January 29, 2009 1:33 AM
"Hey Earl, you think it'll make it up that hill?"
"I don't know Buck, gun it and we'll see!"
43. Stiles - January 29, 2009 2:04 AM
You'd think he'd take out a line of credit and buy a Ferrari to do it. Go out in style.
Then again, a Ferrari would've cleared the crag.
And good luck trying it now after a suicide attempt on record.
Ain't life a bitch.
44. Anit Bath - January 29, 2009 3:53 AM
Man, that's a sweet van. I bet you take it off some sweet jumps.
Vote
for
Pedro!
45. kut - January 29, 2009 5:04 AM
The guy's suspected to be a pedophile
46. jubtastic1 - January 29, 2009 5:48 AM
"Hang on, lads; I've got a great idea."
47. Anon - January 29, 2009 10:51 AM
Damn it jubtastic.
That's what I was just about to put.
48. finfan - January 29, 2009 2:23 PM
HOLY SHIT I SAW THIS ON THE NEWS!!! IT HAPPENED LIKE TWO HOURS AWAY FROM MY HOUSE!!! (Caps locks is very entertaining...)
49. Ben - January 29, 2009 7:49 PM
This happened in Grand Junction, CO. The guy molested a little kid and after cops asked him about it he wanted to kill himself, and he failed. I read about it in our local paper.
50. caravans - August 26, 2009 4:38 AM
My good gawd how in the hell did he manage to get it there though? I realise it was meant to be a suicide attempt but did it roll backwards off the cliff or (even better) did it somehow manage to fly 2 km to land where it did?
Kinda looks just like its been placed there carefully lol, couldn't do that if you tried, not that you would want to.
51. CHRYZ - August 26, 2009 8:18 PM
"driving a perfectly good van off a cliff" ?!? GW Did you see the pictures of the van? perhaps he wasn`t trying to kill himself but to get rid of the van to collect the insurance(if any), but something went wrong.
52. mike - February 1, 2010 10:55 AM
wow. EPIC FAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!