Jan 17 2009 FAKE! This Is A Complete Photoshop Job. You Can Tell It's A Fake Because I Went To Block Your IP Address But Accidentally Locked Myself Out Of The System (I've Been Drinking, Somebody Call IT)

Some adbuster in Berlin (that's Germany, for those of you who failed remedial geography) added a touch of flair to some ads in a subway station featuring Britney Spears and some other wankers by making them look like they were a Photoshop interface. And I think I speak for all of us when I say their work really speaks volumes -- about how ugly celebrities really are. And also, about subway security.

Hit the jump for a bunch more of the Photoshoppery.

Continue Reading " FAKE! This Is A Complete Photoshop Job. You Can Tell It's A Fake Because I Went To Block Your IP Address But Accidentally Locked Myself Out Of The System (I've Been Drinking, Somebody Call IT) "

Jan 17 2009 Stop Confusing Me, Damnit: The TOFU Robot

TOFU is a meat-free robot that looks and acts like a penguin crossed with a Furby crossed with my ex-girlfriend's muff (which I DID see once when I walked in on her in the shower -- score!) Developed at the MIT Media Lab, the little bastard dances to music and has OLED eyes that look eerily sexy. "He's a "squash and stretch" robot, one that uses techniques of social expression employed by 2D animators to give himself some personality." I have no idea what that means but I've killed my fair share of Furbys and, by God, I'll kill a battalion of these little robotic bitches too. But....those eyes....

UPDATE: Humankind, please forgive me, for I have sinned in the most I had-sex-with-a-robot way possible. And, I still have some more reading to do on the subject, but I think I might be pregnant.

TOFU is the most cuddly robot ever [dvice]

Jan 17 2009 You're So Oldschool!: A NES Controller Jacket

This NES Controller Varsity Jacket is available for $200* from 80'sTees and has a giant freaking NES controller on the back, hence the name. It's only being made in a limited edition of 1,000 and allegedly they're already running out of several sizes, so if you want one, you better act quickly. Same goes for if you want some of this. No, I'm serious -- my girlfriend should be back any minute.

*Tough guy not included.

Hit the jump for a closeup of the embroidered controller above the breast.

Continue Reading " You're So Oldschool!: A NES Controller Jacket "

Jan 16 2009 Virgin Auctioning Virginity Allegedly Gets $3.7 Million Offer -- I Should Know, It Was Me!

Remember 'Natalie Dylan', the 22-year old strumpet who's claiming to be a virgin so she can auction off her virginity to your dad? Yeah, well in what appears to be the longest-running auction ever (my last post was in early September), Natalie has allegedly received a $3.7 million dollar bid. Which, I want it to be noted, I wouldn't even pay for a virgin t-rex. F*** it, not even an albino virgin t-rex. Also, just look at that chick -- I've seen plenty of virgins (or at least the same one in the mirror everyday), and that ain't no Mary.

Natalie allegedly received over 10,000 bids and plans to use the money to go to college (read: get even bigger implants and become an adult-film star). Best of luck, Natalie, I'm rooting for you. And also, bidding. Tosseth aside thine chastity belt -- thou virginity is mine! F***, now I'm even creeping myself out.

22-Year-Old Sells Virginity Online -- and Feds Can't Do a Thing to Stop Her [foxnews]

Thanks to Bryan and The Superficial Writer, who, despite pooling their Whopper coupons, only came up with enough for a 30 seconds apiece with Natalie -- not that they'd need anymore. HIYO!

Jan 16 2009 Safety First: Condom Animals Doing It

NOTE: VIDEO IS PROBABLY NSFW DEPENDING ON HOW YOUR EMPLOYER FEELS ABOUT CONDOM ANIMALS HAVING SEX ALL OVER THE PLACE.

This is a Durex commercial that may or not have made it to the air (certainly not in this country) that features arguably homosexual condom rabbits doing it. I kept waiting for one to pop until I realized you probably wouldn't want to advertise that. Also, I would like to take this time to pat myself on the nuts for never getting that crazy bitch of an ex-wife pregnant.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not my child!

Superfad Ad Agency (which has a couple outtakes to watch as well)

Thanks to Skin & Bones, Jase, leftrightleft, and Julian, who, despite their vehement denials, have all used BBQ sauce as lube.

Jan 16 2009 Finally, Some Flowcharts I Can Understand: Thank God I'm A Man (And Love Booze)

These are flowcharts made by some beer manufacturer that explain, in simple detail, why you should be thankful you're a man. Because apparently being a woman involves much more complicated decisions. Hit the jump for two more charts, including one that has something to do with shoes. Personally, I only own three pairs: sneakers, dress shoes, and flip-flips. Okay, you got me -- and f***-me boots.

Hit the jump for the other two charts.

Continue Reading " Finally, Some Flowcharts I Can Understand: Thank God I'm A Man (And Love Booze) "

Jan 16 2009 Optimouse Prime: The Mickey Transformer

Apparently this Mickey Mouse-Transformer mashup was on display at this week's Tokyo Toy Forum and is being manufactured for sale late next month. The morphing mouse will set you back about 40 pieces of cheese and is perfect for both Disney and Transformer fans. Plus, if you know somebody who's both, you can count it as both their birthday AND Christmas presents. Sure that would make you a giant cheapskate, but who cares, I already saw you taking extra hot sauce packets from Taco Bell. Haha, you thought I didn't notice, did you, you little cheapskate?*

*Bring me some Fire.

DeceptaToon: Mickey Mouse Transformer debuts in Japan [dvice]

Thanks to Riche-con-carnie, who would probably taste great with a little extra hotsauce.

Jan 16 2009 Oh Wow -- An Even Worse Text-Messager

Remember the story earlier in the week about the girl that sent 14,528 text messages in a month? Well, it turns out she's not the only daughter I'd lock in the basement. Emilee Cox, a 14 year old from Clermont, Florida, sent and received 35,463 texts in a single month. Which, granted, were probably only half actually sent messages. But still, get a life. The best part of the interview:

Haha. Your dad was supposed to email me a picture of you to use. Do you know if he found one?
Uhm idk i think my sister is sending him one.

Got the photos. You are 14, right?
Yes i am.

Wow, even I found that creepy. Anybody else get the feeling the interviewer was at least partially responsible for Willy Wonka's third-quarter earnings?

Full text message interview with Clermont teen who had 35,463 text messages in a month [orlandosentinel]

Thanks to Jessica, who won't return my texts. WHAT'D I DO!?

Jan 16 2009 What If The Dark Knight Was An 8-Bit Game?

This is a video of what the opening sequence of an 8-bit Nintendo Dark Knight game may have looked like. I've heard arguments it's more SNES looking, but whatever, I'm not here to argue, I'm here to pick up vulnerable women. I just ran over your cat, wanna grab some coffee?

Youtube

Thanks to cool-slayer and Dave, both of whom fight crime without the assistance of masks or capes because that shit's for ugly people and those who can't fly naturally.

Jan 16 2009 Not Impressed, And I Typically LOVE Elf Ears

The Gelfin Ear Tip is a brass (not even gold!) piece of jewelry made to insert into an ear piercing so you can look like an idiot. And trust me folks, I'm not saying that to be rude -- I freaking love a good looking elf-ear. This just isn't one of them. And especially not for $260 per ear. You're better off just cutting your ears and spraypainting them gold. Which is exactly what I did two days ago. That's right -- and from now on you will only refer to me as Findecáno Calmcacil, the Elf King of Geekologie. Also, I think the ear infection has spread to my brain.

UPDATE: Whew, false alarm -- just a little gold spraypaint in my blood-alcohol stream. I'm pissing riches!

Bijules NYC "Gelfin Ear Tip" [highsnobette]

Thanks to Amanda, who, unlike you guys, doesn't need elf ears to turn me on.

Jan 16 2009 WTF!: The World Thorium Fuel Vehicle

The Cadillac WTF is a conceptual car by designer Loren Kulesus that runs on Thorium, a possible alternative nuclear fuel to uranium. You know, because there's nothing like driving a car packed with radioactive metal to keep you under the speed limit. Just kidding, I'd speed anyways. And glow! Did anybody else think that picture was real at first? No? Me neither then. I spotted that rendering from a mile away. Hawkeyes they call me. Well, hawkeye. F***ing falcon.

Hit the jump for several more renderings, all of which reminded me of the DeLorean from Back To The Future because 1. they look nothing like it and B. I'm still hoping to do a dinosaur. What? No, I didn't stay up all night drinking. Funny story: I stayed up drinking all night.

Continue Reading " WTF!: The World Thorium Fuel Vehicle "

Jan 15 2009 Another Day, Another Zelda Theme Song

Remember the Zelda theme played by the guy with the hats? Well this isn't him, it's some other Zelda fan (who, it goes without saying, isn't as big a fan, or asshole, as yours truly) playing the theme to Wind Waker on a guitar, accordion, some glasses, a baking pan, a little drum, two different kinds of skinflute, and maybe some other stuff. And in even more exciting news, this article, according to my latest tally, makes two Zelda-themed posts today! *alarm going off* Oh, you know what that sound means -- one of you lucky readers wins a prize! And today's prize is....getting to call 911 -- my apartment's on fire.

Youtube

Thanks to Tony, a one-man band with more groupies than you can shake a drum stick at. Or a thigh.

Jan 15 2009 Delicious Light: A Gummi Bear Chandelier

Artist YaYa Chou made a chandelier by stringing gummi bears together because, goddamnit, lamps should be functional AND delicious.

Hit the jump for a closeup and a gummi bearskin rug.

Continue Reading " Delicious Light: A Gummi Bear Chandelier "

Jan 15 2009 Obama's Inauguration In LEGO Form

LEGOLAND California has a new scene on display from now until Memorial Day -- the 56th Presidential Inauguration featuring Barack Obama and a thousand other plastic figurines that only slightly resemble who they're supposed to!

More than one-thousand mini-figures have been created out of thousands of LEGO bricks to be a part of the festivities. Mini-figures include President-elect Obama and his family, Vice President-elect Joseph Biden and Jill Biden, President George Bush and First Lady Laura Bush, Vice President Dick Cheney and Lynn Cheney along with former President George Bush Sr. and Barbara Bush. Other mini-figures depicting ceremony participants include: Senator Dianne Feinstein, Dr. Rick Warren, Aretha Franklin, John Williams and performers Itzhak Perlman, Yo-Yo-Ma, Gabriela Montero, Anthony McGill, the Unites States Marine Band, the San Francisco Boys Chorus and the San Francisco Girls Chorus. Park guests can also find Oprah Winfrey in the crowd witnessing this momentous event...

Wow, sounds like some real eye-candy. Too bad I'm going to the actual inauguration. Look for me -- I'll be the one carrying the 'Geekologie Writer In 2011' sign. I know, I was drunk when I got them printed.

Obama's Inauguration, in Legos [themeparkinsider]

Thanks to Bryan, who, for the tip, gets a spot in my cabinet. My liquor cabinet. HIYO! Kidding Bryan, hands off my booze.

Jan 15 2009 Star Wars Plot Retold By Girl Who Has Never Seen A Whole Film, Only 'Bits And Pieces'

This is the plot of the original Star Wars trilogy as told by some chick who has never seen them all the way through and has no idea what the f*** is going on. I highly recommend watching it. Joe Nicolosi, the maker of the film, even added some great animations to spice things up a bit. But thankfully, it's still not too spicy -- my o-ring is fragile like a vase.

Star Wars: Retold (by someone who hasn't seen it) [vimeo]

Thanks to Matt and chris, who recite the dialog from all three movies word for word. Backwards. While juggling. Ewoks.

Jan 15 2009 R.I.P. Ricardo Montalban, Patrick McGoohan

Ricardo Montalban and Patrick McGoohan have both passed away.

Ricardo was best known for his roles as Mr. Roarke on television's Fantasy Island and as Khan, the best Star Trek villain ever. He was 88.

Patrick McGoohan played Number 6 in the 1960's spy/trippy-ass show, The Prisoner. He was 80.

Thankfully, I was raised by parents that exposed me to such movies and shows which, unfortunately at the time, I thought were stupid. Only with older age did I realize the error of my youth and see just how filled with awesome they actually were. Thanks mom and dad -- and R.I.P. Ricardo and Patrick, you will be missed.

Hit the jump for a video of each in action, Ricardo as Khan, and Patrick as Number 6.

Continue Reading " R.I.P. Ricardo Montalban, Patrick McGoohan "

Jan 15 2009 Somebody Please Make Me One: A Zelda 'Link To The Past' Cross Stitch Overworld Map

It doesn't even have to be 'A Link To The Past' themed. It could be any Zelda, I don't care. I love them all. It took stitcher Servotron four long months to complete this map of the overworld from the SNES classic. As you can see, it's awesome and belongs in a museum. Or shrine -- the Geekologie Writer's Shrine to Zelda And The Pretty Girl Who Lives Across The Street That I'm Always Too Afraid To Talk To But Whose Name Is Karen. It takes up the better half of my closet. So far it consists of: a Zelda poster, all the games, and some of Karen's trash, including, but not limited to, a utility bill (that's how I know her name).

Hit the jump for more cross stitchy goodness, including maps of Oracle of Ages, Link's Awakening, and Super Mario 3. Now get crafting!

Continue Reading " Somebody Please Make Me One: A Zelda 'Link To The Past' Cross Stitch Overworld Map "

Jan 15 2009 Own Every Famicom Game Ever Made

Own a Famicom? Want to own all 1,051 officially released games for less than $7 a pop? Well head on down to the Mandarake Complex in Japan and pick those suckers up for only 650,000 yen ($6,500).

Many people who pass by the Mandarake Complex stop for a few minutes, especially with friends or loved ones to reminisce about games they used to own or how they'd love to buy the whole collection.

Now you can! So do it. Then make wallets out of all the crappy games and send me one. Also, I think my mom still has my childhood rattail in an envelope somewhere if you're interested in that. I'll even throw in all my baby teeth if the price is right.

Entire Famicom collection going for only 650,000 yen! [destructoid]

Thanks to MoD, who saved himself $6,500 and downloaded an emulator.

Jan 14 2009 I'll Take Three, Please: USB Hooter Heaters

I really don't have too much more information on these except they're USB powered boob burners. I think they cost this much: 1,980円. I dunno, they freaking heat your hoo-hoo's, what more do you want from me? Wait a....also, they're a fire hazard. Yes, very dangerous. Funny story, ladies -- I was born with naturally warm hands. And also, a nipple on my back. Too much information?

Product Site
and
Boob Warmer! [rinkya]

Thanks to Laurel and ClaMs, who keep their breasts warm the way God intended, with good old fashioned lightning.

Jan 14 2009 Australian Fixes Plasma TV With Baseball Bat

NOTE: VIDEO IS SLIGHTLY NSFW, DUE TO LANGUAGE.

This video is so full of win I don't even know where to start. But I'll try. First of all, beating the shit out of a TV with a baseball bat is just awesome. Also, humping it against the wall is cool too. And to make matters even more rad, there's a pair of chicks with Australian accents arguing in the background the whole time. Which, combined with the beating of the television, really turned me on. And let me tell you: the guy they're arguing about, Simon (who the one emphatically claims she doesn't give a shit about), must be pretty freaking special for them to ignore the epic repair going down in the next room.

How To Repair Your Plasma TV With a Baseball Bat (NSFW) [gizmodo]

Thanks to Nathan, who once fixed his DVD player with a hockey stick but had to spend two minutes in the penalty box for high-sticking.

Jan 14 2009 What Did I Just Type?: A Klingon Keyboard

Want to make sure nobody in the office steals your keyboard? Well how about a Klingon one?

This exclusive Klingon language keyboard is based on the best selling G83-6000 series keyboards from Cherry.

It is a good quality keyboard with 105 keys, PS/2 connection and is available currently in black. This keyboard will be available for delivery from mid November, but demand for this limited edition is high so reserve yours now to be the first with this exclusive model.

"Good quality", pfft, that's marketing speak for piece of shit. Why do I get the feeling somebody got a great deal on a bunch of old keyboards and retrofitted them with Klingon keys? Right, because that's exactly what happened. Get your today for about $65. Thankfully, I got mine yesterday. jIH 'oH tlhIngan chugh SoH Har wIj nach 'oH qab SoH ghajbe' leghpu' wIj penis!

Klingon Keyboard: for serious Trekkies only [dvice]
and
Klingon Translator (in case you need help translating)

Jan 14 2009 Morons Who Named Their Son Adolph Hitler Lose Their Kids To Youth And Family Services

Remember Heath and Deborah Campbell, the two failures at life that named their children Adolph Hitler, JoyceLynn Aryan Nation, and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie? Well, unsurprisingly, they've had their kids removed from the household by the New Jersey's Division of Youth and Family Services because they're freaking idiots and shouldn't have been allowed to breed in the first place.

No reason was given for why the children were removed, however, and Holland Township police chief David Van Gilson told the site they had not received any reports of abuse or negligence.

Um, naming your son Adolph Hitler IS abuse.

"They're just names, you know," Heath Campbell told the Easton Express-Times in December. "Yeah, they (the Nazis) were bad people back then. But my kids are little. They're not going to grow up like that."

However, Heath reportedly denies the Holocaust and their home is decorated with swastikas.

Real smooth there, Heath, real smooth. Now if you'll excuse me, I've just been informed your nuts won a date with my tire iron. And guess what -- you're paying.

Report: Child named Adolf Hitler removed from home in New Jersey [nydailynews]

Thanks to Shaggy, who, despite my convincing, wouldn't name his son Thundercats.

Jan 14 2009 Highly Questionable Guitar: The Wangcaster

Want to jam out on the guitar and look like you're stroking a giant member at the same time? Yeah, me neither. Unless you said yes first, in which case, DO I!

Wangcaster
via
Time to dumb down the guitar [splicetoday]

Thanks to Andrew, who had a Gibson Flying Vagina but set it on fire at a concert.

Jan 14 2009 Cool!: Massive Underground Ant Colony

You ever wonder what an underground ant colony looks like but were always too afraid the rascally bastards would escape if you bought an ant farm? Well fear not, little girl, that's what nature shows were made for. In this episode, a bunch of assholes pour 10 tons of cement down an ant hole and then dig in the ground around it to show off its underlying shape and size. It's amazing! If you only have a couple free seconds to watch, skip to about 1:15 to start the good stuff. But if you have a couple free minutes to watch....screw the video, meet me in the supply closet.

Youtube

Thanks to Dan, who has termites in his pants but thankfully doesn't have a peg-penis. Still -- morning wood, Dan, be careful.

Jan 14 2009 26 Years Later, Man Solves Rubik's Cube

It took Graham Parker 26 years to finally solve the Rubik's Cube he bought back in 1983. If you can't tell by the picture, he's really proud of himself. Kind of reminds me of the first time I ate a 72-oz steak and got my picture on the wall.

'I cannot tell you what a relief it was to finally solve it,' the 45-year-old from Portchester, Hampshire, said. 'It has driven me mad over the years - it felt like it had taken over my life.

'I have missed important events to stay in and solve it and I would lie awake at night thinking about it.

'I have had wrist and back problems from spending hours on it but it was all worth it. When I clicked that last bit into place and each face was a solid colour, I wept.'

Wow, Graham, so you're a little crybaby, huh? Now I'm not saying there's ever a time when a person should just accept their own mental inadequacies and bail on a project, but damnit Graham, that time was 25½ years ago.

Man takes 26 years to solve Rubik's Cube [metro]

Thanks to Praveen, who can solve a Rubik's in under a minute using either the "hammer" or "new stickers" methods.

Jan 14 2009 Mmmm, Delicious Sleep: The Hamburger Bed

The Hamburger bed (which is actually a cheeseburger) is a round bed that looks like a hamburger and has a Facebook fan page. I was going to become a fan, but decided I'd probably end up stalking that delicious bitch and that would bad. So, instead, I'm going to make my own taco bed.

UPDATE: So I had this weird dream about being a giant last night and, f***, I think I ate my pillows.

Hit the jump for a few more shots and a link to the burger's Facebook page. And, while you're at it, friend me, ladies.

Continue Reading " Mmmm, Delicious Sleep: The Hamburger Bed "

Jan 13 2009 No Need To Apply, Folks, I've Got This In The Bag: Austrialia Posts My Dream Job

Australia's Queensland state is looking to hire a "Great Barrier Reef Island Caretaker" at a rate of $105,000 (US) for six-months of service. What kind of service?

The "island caretaker" would be expected to stroll the white sands, soak up the sun, snorkel the reef, "maybe clean the pool" -- and report to a global audience via weekly blogs, photo diaries and video updates.

The winner, who will stay rent-free in a multimillion-dollar three-bedroom beach home complete with pool and golf cart, must be an excellent communicator and be able to speak and write in English.

F*** yes, I can do some of those things!

The job, according to the Daily Telegraph, seems too good to be true -- work 12 hours a month for six months while carrying out such duties as feeding turtles, watching whales and writing a blog.

The Daily Telegraph reported 850,000 people clicked on the site within the first 24 hours, but as of As of 11 a.m. EST, the Web site for job-seekers had been taken down.

Don't even bother, folks, this job was made for me. And I hacked the application site, so you can pretty much forget about it. However, now I'M accepting applications for a few lucky ladies to join me. Applicants must be able to blog, create photo diaries, and video updates. Also, feed turtles and keep a secret.

Australia Offers 'Best Job in World' On Paradise Island [foxnews]

Thanks to Bryan and Michael, who can come if they agree to feed themselves to sharks while my female crew takes pictures.

Jan 13 2009 Zelda Theme A Capella: One Man, Four Hats

Zelda: I want to do her. And her video games are one of the few reasons I wake up every morning (that and writing for all you lovely people). Anyway, this is an a capella and violin version of the Zelda theme by a guy named Diwa de Leon.

This is my own rendition of the themes from Legend of Zelda game composed by Koji Kondo. Most of my picks came from Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past originally for the Super Nintendo Entertainment System (SNES).

Awesome. And if that didn't give you goosebumps, well, you're obviously not a hat lover.

Youtube

Thanks to fabian, jackie, and Arran, who love Zelda almost as much as I do, but can't have her because I already called dibs. And also, shotgun -- I hate riding in the back.

Jan 13 2009 British Goverment Designs Questionable Logo

The UK's Office of Government Commerce (OGC) was recently rebranded by London design firm FHD because governments love pissing away money on things that don't really matter that much. Except this rebranding (and subsequent new logo) was totally worth it!

"The proposed version, which you have sent over, has been shared with staff, and is now going through final technical stages. It is true that it caused a few titters among some staff when viewed on its side, but on consideration we concluded that the effect was generic to the particular combination of the letters 'OGC' - and is not inappropriate to an organisation that's looking to have a firm grip on government spend!"

I didn't even bother reading that, and you probably shouldn't have either, because the only thing that matters is that the new logo looks like a guy holding his pecker if you turn it 90-degrees clockwise. More jerking off: just what the government needs.

Hit the jump to see a slightly NSFW picture that I conveniently turned for you, that way you don't have to strain your neck or break your monitor to see it.

Continue Reading " British Goverment Designs Questionable Logo "

Jan 13 2009 Vroom Vroom!: Water Faucet With A Shifter

This is a water faucet with a shifter. Because, let's face it, regular faucets just aren't fast enough. The shifter controls the volume of water flowing, and is completely unnecessary. Still, it looks cool. It's just not practical. Now put a sink in a car -- THEN we'd be talking. That reminds me, did I ever tell you the one about the hooker I picked up that refused to use my complimentary hand-sanitizer? Let's just say you won't see her walking the streets anymore! However, you may see her in Davy Jones' locker. I can't wait to see the look on his face when he opens it at school tomorrow!

Shifter faucet lets you change gears as you do the dishes [dvice]

Jan 13 2009 Uh-Oh: SWAT Team Called On FPS Gamers

A couple of Danish gamers (Danishers), got the SWAT team called because they were playing a first person shooter too loud one night. Thankfully, they weren't rocking any Wiimote-gun mods.

As far as we can make out from this report, two young men from Valby near Copenhagen were giving it some stick on a large flatscreen telly with the volume cranked up, prompting residents in their apartment block to suspect someone had been shot.

Cue rapid SWAT intervention, with the area sealed off and heavily-armed officers using megaphones to order the pair to surrender. The two apparently came quietly, and suffered nothing more than a temporary cuffing while police ascertained that the only danger posed was to the neighbourhood's peace and quiet.

First of all, "giving it some stick" means something completely different in my neck of the woods. And secondly, I can relate to these guys because I've often had the cops called for "having loud sex late at night". They're called adult films you idiots!

Danish SWAT team surrounds PlayStation shoot-'em-up [theregister]

Thanks to Richie-con-carnie, who once had the fire department called because he set a lover on fire. He's just that hot.

Jan 13 2009 Theater Can Be Fun: Real Life Super Mario

This is a piece of Japanese black theater in which people dressed in all black do a bunch of crazy shit that looks awesome. In this case, reenact some Super Mario action. I highly recommend checking it out. And for those of you that can't watch at videos at work, well, freaking quit already. You're under appreciated anyways.

Youtube

Thanks to Arran, who did the exact same thing for the first level in Contra, but the theater burnt down before he could perform. I'm sure it would have been awesome, Arran.

Jan 13 2009 Over And Out: LEGO Making Digital Cameras, Walk Talkies For Children, Adults Like Me

Modular plastic god LEGO has "teamed with Digital Blue to bring out a line of digital cameras, PMPs (portable media players), and walkie talkies for children". Dropping sometime this summer, the devices will run $19 - $60 and not be made of actual LEGO blocks. They'll look like it though. And looking, my friends, is half the battle. Touching is the other, trickier half.

Lego announces line of digital cameras, PMPs, etc. for your teeny human friends [engadget]

Thanks to Julian, who once convinced a model to let him take nude pictures of her with an alleged LEGO camera. It was just a castle set.

Jan 13 2009 President-Elect Barack Obama Plays Wii

That's right folks, the soon-to-be president is rocking a Wii. And thank goodness too, because in an earlier interview Barack claimed the last video game he'd played was Pong. So yeah, whew.

Barack Obama reportedly said he's better at the Wii version of bowling than he was at the real thing while on the campaign trail in Pennsylvania last year.

This knowledge is courtesy of a passing reference Thursday by a New York Times blogger, who buried it in his last paragraph, unaware that the Wii news, rather than Obama's (accurate) prediction that Florida would win college football's championship game, would light up the Internets the next day.

So, Barack, maybe you could add me to your friends list. Then our Wii Miis could parade together. That would be fun, wouldn't it? Also, quick question: are you man enough to play wrist-strapless? Because I am. Isn't that right, Superficial Writer? Ha, your TV was a piece of shit anyways.

Barack Obama's family gets a Wii video game system; so what does his Mii look like? [chicagotribune]

Thanks to Lisa, who is chock-full of Wii win.

Jan 12 2009 Soiled Pants: The World's Scariest Hiking Trail

And that, my friends, is why I never leave the house.

Youtube
Thanks to The free faller, who took one wrong step.

Jan 12 2009 Oh My God A New Sex Toy Thingy For Guys

The Real Touch may look like a torture device (and may, in fact, BE a torture device), but is allegedly the latest advancement in solitary male pleasure. Just look at that thing -- reminds me of the time my penis got run over by a Sherman tank. I'm sure it's safe though. After all, it was designed and "thoroughly tested" by a NASA engineer.

It's a computer-controlled "stimulation" device that uses specially encoded content to bring a sort of virtual-reality experience to, um, a certain member. Using a host of technologies, the futuristic-looking computer peripheral simulates motion, adjusts temperature and provides lubrication. The encoding is deciphered by a custom Windows Media Player plugin.

Basically you plug the unit's USB cable into your computer, plug your unit into the unit, and presto!: it mimics the feelings you'd experience if you were actually banging the chick in the porno and not sitting at a computer desk sobbing into a stained gym sock.

The Real Touch is available now for $150. And, if you get the chance AND ARE NOT AT WORK NSFW NSFW NSFW you HAVE TO go to the official website and watch the video of the chick explaining the device. It was....something.

NSFW NSFW NSFW Official Website NSFW NSFW NSFW
via
The sickest gadget DVICE saw in Vegas [dvice]

Thanks to Rachel, whose lucky man doesn't need a Real Touch.

Jan 12 2009 Girl Sends 14,528 Text Messages In A Month

Reina Hardesty, 13, sent 14,528 text messages last month alone. That's a lot. I wonder if she has carpal tunnel. Or really swollen thumbs.

The online AT&T statement ran 440 pages.

"First, I laughed. I thought, 'That's insane, that's impossible,' " the 45-year-old dad said. "And I immediately whipped out (my junk and) the calculator to see if it was humanly possible." He found it was - barely.

It works out to 484 text messages a day, or one every two minutes of every waking hour.

Luckily, Hardesty has a phone plan that allows unlimited texting for $30 a month. Otherwise, he estimates, he would have owed AT&T $2,905.60 at a rate of 20 cents per message.

The average number of monthly texts for a 13- to 17-year-old teen is 1,742, according to a Nielsen study of cellphone usage.

Wow. I can remember (two months ago) when I had to upgrade from 1,500 texts a month to unlimited because I kept going over. Now before you pass judgment, let me explain: I'm mad freaking popular! Just kidding, text sex. No, not with myself! With myself :(

THIS KID'S A TEXT MANIAC [nypost]

Jan 12 2009 Move Over Bacon-Cheese Roll, There's A New Heartstopping Sherriff In Town: The Bacon Explosion Will Kill You Dead

HIT THE JUMP TO SEE THE DELICIOUS BACON-EXPLOSION MAKING PROCESS!

If you thought the bacon-cheese roll was bad, you need to check out the Bacon Explosion. This bacon-y treat is so dangerously delicious it'll make your freaking heart explode and still have your corpse begging for a second helping. It's basically a bacon weave made out of a pound of bacon, filled with 2 pounds of Italian sausage and another pound of bacon. And, if you can't tell by the way I'm ogling my monitor, it's making me amorous. I think it's time for another haiku.

Bacon Explosion

I want you in me badly
Call an ambulance

And that, my friends, is how you woo your dinner. To the bedroom my bacon-y goddess -- it's time to pork!

Hit the jump for a bunch of pictures of the process and a link to the in-depth recipe.

Continue Reading " Move Over Bacon-Cheese Roll, There's A New Heartstopping Sherriff In Town: The Bacon Explosion Will Kill You Dead "

Jan 12 2009 Luke, I Am Your Mobile Drink Cart: BaR2D2

BaR2D2 is a mobile robot bartender complete with everything you need to get crunknasty and puke on yourself and everyone around you.

BaR2D2 is a radio-controlled, mobile bar that features a motorized beer elevator, motorized ice/mixer drawer, six-bottle shot dispenser, and sound activated neon lighting. The robot is driveable so you can take the party on the road! It was created in my garage using standard hand/power tools and readily available parts and materials.

Now I know he's a robot, and that I should be scared, but Goddammit, he serves booze -- AND plays the Zelda theme (around 1:00). So yeah, I'm having a hard time hating him. And also, tying my shoes. Laces can be so tricky sometimes.

Build A Mobile Bar - BaR2D2 [instructables]

Thanks to Manwai, who doesn't need a robotic bartender because the dude pisses moonshine. And also, to Jamie, who actually made the thing -- NOW MAKE ME ONE PLEAAAASEEE!

Jan 12 2009 Massive Stargate SG-1 LEGO Ship On eBay

You a Stargate SG-1 fan? Want a LEGO replica of the Asgard Beliskner Battle Ship? Got $3,500? Live in or around Highland Park, Illinois? Willing to drive there? If so you're in luck because eBay user fentonhardy is selling the ship of your dreams!

AFTER THREE MONTHS OF HARD WORK AND TENS OF THOUSANDS OF PIECES MY BELISKNER IS FINALLY FINISHED. FANS OF THE SHOW KNOW THAT THE BELISKNER WAS THE FLAGSHIP OF THE ASGARD FLEET IN STARGATE SG-1 UNTIL IT BURNED UP IN EARTH'S ATMOSPHERE. AFTER WATCHING THE SERIES I KNEW THAT I HAD TO BUILD THE SHIP OUT OF LEGOS, THE THE RESULT WAS A INCREDIBLY LARGE AND DETAILED SHIP THAT MEASURED FIVE FEET LONG, SIX FEET WIDE, AND TWO FEET HIGH.

DUE TO THE ENORMOUS SIZE OF THIS SHIP IT IS PICK UP ONLY

My god that guy loves to yell. Tens of thousands of pieces though -- that's a lot. But not as many as hundreds of thousands of pieces, am I right? Damn right I am. Math: I know that shit. And also, poetry. Here comes a haiku!

Massive Stargate ship

Makes my penis look tiny
I won't stand by it

Damn, you just got poetried, son!

Hit the jump for several more shots and a link to the auction with a whole bunch more.

Continue Reading " Massive Stargate SG-1 LEGO Ship On eBay "

Jan 12 2009 It's So Haaaaard To Say Goodbyeeeee To Yesterdaaaaaay: The Shredder Calendar

The Chrono-Shredder is a wall calendar designed by Susanna Hertrich that shreds the days as they pass. It takes a full 24-hours to shred a date, but only 10 minutes to run a dead hooker through a wood-chipper.

The Chrono-Shredder is a device that reminds us of the preciousness of our lifetime. It represents the passing of time by shredding the days of the year - printed on a paper roll - at a slow constant rate. To shred one day takes 24 hours. There is no "off"-button. As the seconds pass by, the tattered remains of the past pile up under the device...

Neat. Holler at 'ol Susanna (who cries for no one) if you can help manufacture them. Because I need one in a bad way -- I never have any idea what day it is. All I know is we've got an election coming up -- and then Jesus' birthday! WOOT!

Hit the jump for a picture of the mess the calendar makes.

Continue Reading " It's So Haaaaard To Say Goodbyeeeee To Yesterdaaaaaay: The Shredder Calendar "

Jan 11 2009 Pixelated Beauties: I'm Just Gonna Pretend They're Naked LEGO Women, Whoo-Whoo!

NOTE: GALLERY PROBABLY NSFW.

This is a gallery of probably NSFW pixelated naked chicks by artist/photographer Jean-Yves Lemoigne. Hit the jump for an uncensored version of this pic, as well as several others. And I must say: Yow yow! They look like super sexy naked LEGO chicks, don't they? This handkerchief says yes! And also, "For The Superficial Writer's tears only". Woopsie.

Hit the jump for the steamy action that, when viewed from across the room, sort of looks like a naked chick if you squint really hard and shake your head.

Continue Reading " Pixelated Beauties: I'm Just Gonna Pretend They're Naked LEGO Women, Whoo-Whoo! "

Jan 11 2009 Crystal Covered Mercedes Is A Piece Of Crap

This is a picture of a Mercedes Benz that's been Bedazzled. It's a "customized Mercedes-Benz SL600, Luxury Crystal Benz, studded with 300,000 Swarovski crystal glass." It was on display at the recent Tokyo Auto Salon 2009 by auto-modder Garson/D.A.D. Oh, did I mention it's a monster piece of gaudy crap? It's true. Fun fact: if you squeeze a Swarovski crystal between your buttcheeks hard enough it turns into pain. Neat!

Luxury Crystal Benz at Tokyo Auto Salon 2009 [chinaview]

Thanks to Flash, who drives a moondust Bentley, but only on Sundays to and from church.