Dec 2 2008'Tis The Season....To Crack Nuts?
With Jesus's b-day rapidly approaching, it's time to bust out the eggnog and nutcrackers and have a holly jolly boozefest. Am I right? And what sort of holiday spread is complete without nuts? Man, I freaking love nuts. Filberts, walnuts, pistachios, almonds, I gobble them all. And you know what they say about almonds don't you? Eight almonds a day, uh, keeps pederasts at bay? I don't actually know if they say that, but I'm gonna start. Anyway, this is a Star Wars nutcracker set available from Hammburgler Slumlordicus (that's two in one day!). 99 coconuts takes the whole set.
Darth Vader stands 10" tall and is draped in a vinyl cape, capped by his signature black helmet. He holds his red lightsaber and is decorated with details including vinyl boots, his breathing apparatus, and chest control unit. R2-D2 stands 7" tall displaying his handpainted circuitry; his anterior louvered vents conceal the "cracker." Master Jedi Yoda stands 7 1/2" tall with his walking stick and his humble burlap robe. Non-functional, they are for decorative purposes only.
Now wait just a long time ago minute! Non-functional? How hard is it to make the damn things functional? Isn't a nutcracker just a freaking hinge? WTF! I'll tell you what -- you just can't bust a nut like you used to. Wow, did I just go there? I did. I went there, I raged, I burnt the village down, I came back, got drunk again, lost a shoe, and puked in the other one. Now it's all mushy when I walk. And it stinks. But I'd still drink out of it. Hardcore. HARDCORE!
Thanks to James and Allison, who can both crack nuts between their pinky and ring finger because they're from that same planet Superman is from. Krypton. They're from Krypton.
Reader Comments
1. Johannes - December 2, 2008 4:13 PM
first :D
2. GRAMMARNAZI - December 2, 2008 4:13 PM
"FLURST"....!!!!!
3. GRAMMARNAZI - December 2, 2008 4:16 PM
You may be the first but I am the Flurst.
4. GRAMMARNAZI - December 2, 2008 4:18 PM
"MAY THE FLORSE BE WITH YOU......"
5. boredom - December 2, 2008 4:19 PM
ok so these are nut crackers that can't crack nuts? So they are Star Wars figurines? I don't get it. Or maybe they are just FAKE nut crackers?
6. big brown - December 2, 2008 4:21 PM
@2 i am the flurst? lmao yea you cant argue with that
7. Daisy - December 2, 2008 4:23 PM
FAKE!!!!
This is an obvious photoshop job. You can tell its a fake because the shadows are all wrong.
This is just like a scene from the movie Never Back Down where Max freaks out after eating star wars puppets laced with cocaine he'd gotten from the wheel of fortune after winning an appearance on the show for eating the most bacon flavored ice cream from Del Taco contest held earlier in the year. Max enjoyed the experience despite losing his girl, his dog & his lucky rabbits foot - only this time he's making a dentist appointment because these star wars favorites weren't puppets like Max had hoped.
8. GRAMMARNAZI - December 2, 2008 4:26 PM
@2
QUIET INFIDEL!!!!,
...or i will send my jedi over to you, and have you "bitch-Slapped".
9. GRAMMARNAZI - December 2, 2008 4:28 PM
....so sorry,
@8 is for @6 and not @2 because @2 is ME.
10. LSDiesel - December 2, 2008 4:29 PM
I was all excited up until the "Non-Functional" part.
Nut crackers that can't crack nuts are as useful as a Jedi who only does card tricks.
11. GRAMMARNAZI - December 2, 2008 4:37 PM
Guys are usually a little bit squeamish whenever people mention the words "nut" and "cracker" in the same sentence.
12. GRAMMMARNAZI - December 2, 2008 4:41 PM
They should be called "Nut Extractors"......no that's even worse--sounds surgical.
"Nut Facilitators"...yea!
13. B - December 2, 2008 4:48 PM
@12 "Nut Busters"
14. Moose Knuckle - December 2, 2008 4:50 PM
Hey F*** YOU LSDiesel! Yeah that's what I said! You f***ing jerk!
15. GRAMMARNAZI - December 2, 2008 4:56 PM
@13
"NUT CUTTERS"
16. GRAMMARNAZI - December 2, 2008 5:00 PM
@14
HEY Moose Nuckles",
Did someone shit in your cornflakes this morning? Relax man--have a beer.
17. Pew³ - December 2, 2008 5:33 PM
Yeah, Moose Knuckle, relax. And exactly how did you post that, when you just got back from lunch, with me?
The force is strong with that one.
18. Moose Knuckle - December 2, 2008 5:35 PM
@16 No, that's an angry little poser, and I apologize on his behalf LSDeisel, your posts are always a welcome addition. Actually there are between 3 and 5 "Moose Knuckle"'s floating around. One is talented, sexy, and pulls mad trim, one is intelligent, funny, and has a wonderful family, and one is a craven closet homo who fears women like the ebola virus and lashes out in frustrated anger due to year of molestation from his father and 5 uncles. The other 2 may or may not be ninjas. Thanx for the astute observation GRAMMARNAZI.
pew
19. Moose Knuckle - December 2, 2008 5:37 PM
@17 I was typing more, plus you type faster anyways.
20. Moose Knuckle - December 2, 2008 5:38 PM
And where's the Dark Helmet nutcracker? That would seem most appropriate.
21. GRAMMARNAZI - December 2, 2008 6:23 PM
"NUT WHACKERS"
22. Jeebus - December 2, 2008 7:14 PM
REAL!!!!
This is not a photoshop job. You can tell it's real because the shadows are all right.
This is sort of like the movie Never Back Down where Baja and Max are skating through the park when a random dude kicks max in nuts. Max was rushed to the hospital but the nuts were already broken.
23. GRAMMARNAZI - December 2, 2008 7:16 PM
"NUT DIS-CONNECTORS"
24. Moose Knuckle - December 2, 2008 7:23 PM
"kernel extractors" or "shell removal implements"... or "NUT DECIMATORZ!!!!"
25. GRAMMARNAZI - December 2, 2008 7:28 PM
@16
Yes, molestation can be exhausting.
26. GRAMMARNAZI - December 2, 2008 7:57 PM
....so sorry....once again,
@25 is for @18 and not @16 because @16 is, of course,..........ME.
27. sirrix - December 2, 2008 8:09 PM
Wow... 6 posts today? Busy boy!
With all the ridiculous ads on the site you must be making money... How about *working* for it? Most of the stuff is emailed to you by readers anyway! If you need some help let me know.
28. GEEKOLOGIE GUY - December 2, 2008 8:24 PM
@27
YEA, Uh...sirrix....make me some coffee.
29. Davo - December 2, 2008 9:22 PM
PEW PEW PEW!
CRACK CRACK CRACK!
NOM NOM NOM!
30. sirrix - December 2, 2008 10:38 PM
One cup o' joe coming up. Thanks for the extra two late-night posts. Much appreciated.
31. Joey - December 2, 2008 11:24 PM
Carpe diese nuts! I hate this f***ing job!
32. eunos roadster - December 3, 2008 6:42 AM
Jesus' birthday, not Jesus's birthday.
33. Thumperchica - December 3, 2008 9:45 AM
@LSDiesel -
"Nut crackers that can't crack nuts are as useful as a Jedi who only does card tricks"
NOW! You tell me now! A Jedi who only does card tricks ISN'T useful? Then why did you give me one last Christmas?!?!?!?
34. Daisy - December 3, 2008 10:08 AM
FAKE!!!!
This is an obvious photoshop job. You can tell its a fake because the shadows are all wrong.
This is exactly like the scene in the movie Never Back Down where Max helps Baja get an advance copy of the new harry potter book, which helps Baja make up for disapointing the boss.
35. LSDiesel - December 3, 2008 10:54 AM
@33, If I were a jedi, I would never want anyone asking me, "Do you do children's parties?" I would cut myself in half with my own lightsaber. Or no, you know what? I would cut myself in half with my shotgun / chain saw....
36. Katie - December 3, 2008 11:11 AM
It's for sure a photoshop job.
37. Don - December 3, 2008 11:12 AM
not cool
38. rach - December 4, 2008 2:30 PM
i totally have the darth vader nutcracker. its sitting right next to me. it doesnt actually work so I use it for decoration. and i should really just stop right now...
39. Florple - February 20, 2009 8:10 AM
It's funny, but i don't seem to remember any part in the movies in which Darth Vader held a handle-less light saber like a walking stick.
Those damn manufacturers should try watching the movies they are making stuff from.
Wait, i remember now, that's Vaders light saber pimp cane from "A new Hoe"