Nov 29 2008 Tilt-Shift Video Makes Big Things Look Small
Tilt-shift video: I don't even know what it is.
Tilt-shift photography can be used for many things, but one of the more interesting is a technique used to trick the mind into thinking very large things are very small. Tilt-shift takes advantage of our familiarity with very close up images of small things, where the object of interest is in focus, but everything else is progressively blurred.
You know, you could almost write a novella about all the things I don't know. Ha, just kidding, tilt-shift video was the last piece of the puzzle. Knowledge: the shit's like money for your brain. Drugs: drugs are like your brain getting robbed by a bearded man who uses the money to take it on a tropical vacation. Whee, Mexico!
Amazing Tilt-Shift Video From Monster Truck Rally [jalopnik]
Thanks to Jake, who allegedly has some tilt-shift video of your girlfriend he'll post on the internet if you don't send him all your Star Wars figurines.
Nov 29 2008 My Condolences: An XBox 360 Funeral :(
What happens when an XBox dies? Does it go to heaven? A landfill? Sunday brunch for mimosas? Whatever the case, this is a picture of an XBox 360's funeral. As you can see, many friends from yesteryear came to pay their respects. This picture is actually just one in a series of the funeral, so you should go here to see them all, along with some words that were written about the event. It was very tastefully done. Not as tasteful as I would have done it, but the open bar/stripper funeral isn't for everyone. Like, haha, Aunt Phyllis. I've never seen so many angry relatives and confused strippers in my life. I had a blast!*
*And didn't even puke in the casket this time. Sorry, Uncle Rob, but hey -- at least you were dead! Tell God I say what's up.
Hit the jump for two more, then hit the link to see them all.
Nov 28 2008 Fool Me Once, Shame On You, Fool Me Twice, Damnit, You Got Me Again: Real X-Ray Specs Here? Geekologie Writer Hopeful
Allegedly David Steele, a pervert, is selling 30 and 58mm lens filters capable of seeing through many kinds of fabric. I've got the feeling they only work with sheer wet t-shirts and fishnets, but whatever: boobs yo, boobs. Each lens costs $200 and purchase includes a free trial subscription to Perv Quarterly, a beard, and a pair of those glasses that tint in sunlight.
40 years later, real X-Ray specs finally hit the market [dvice]
Nov 28 2008 Mysterious 'Elbowed' Squid Caught On Video
An underwater rover operated by Shell oil company caught some video of a rare Magnapinna (attractive metal penis) squid a mile and half down. And the squishy bastard has elbowed tentacles! WTF! And also, nigiri. Mmmm.
Two more pictures (one old) after the jump, horrible one second video here.
Continue Reading " Mysterious 'Elbowed' Squid Caught On Video "
Nov 27 2008 Bruce Lee Plays Ping Pongs With Nunchucks
This is an ad for a special Bruce Lee edition Nokia N96. It's an oldschool looking video of Bruce Lee playing ping-pong with nunchucks. It's obviously real because Bruce Lee learned martial arts from God himself and once got a chick pregnant with a single karate chop. Nine months later, you were born. Feliz cumpleaños!
Hit the jump for another ad of Bruce lighting matches with the chucks.
Continue Reading " Bruce Lee Plays Ping Pongs With Nunchucks "
Nov 27 2008 Guy Gets Stephen Hawking Tattoo
"Science fan" Jack Newton got Stephen Hawking's likeness tattooed on his leg in tribute to the world famous physicist (who is 66 and still rollin').
The tattoo - complete with a Monty Python line from the classic Life of Brian film 'He's not the messiah. He's a very naughty boy' written underneath it - has already won two trophies at tattoo conventions.
Mr Newton said: "I read A Brief History of Time, but to be honest I didn't understand a word, but I respect the man and that's why I got his face tattooed on my leg.
Good looking, Jack, but check this tat out -- BADOW! -- Carl F***ing Sagan bitch!
Science fan has Stephen Hawking tattooed on leg [telegraph]
Thanks to louis, who looks just like a handsome Aristotle.
Nov 27 2008 Happy Thanksgiving!
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Get full, get drunk, watch some football, make out with a relative. Sadly, since I'm the orphaned son of ninja-pirate gypsies, I'll probably eat at Captain D's and be back in a little bit. Until then, gobble gobble! And also, sorry, Native Americans. :( You totally got us back with the whole smoking thing though!
Nov 26 2008 Wrong, Just Plain Wrong: Vajayjay Hero
Vagina Hero is a fake Guitar Hero knockoff centered around pleasuring a woman's Thingy McThingThing. It's not even a fake game as much as a couple pictures and an article. Still, I know how some of you have never seen one before, so I figured I'd go ahead and post it. That's pretty much it right there. There's lots of crazy colors and shit and round button-y things. Ladies, back me up. I have too seen one!
The stages in Vagina Hero are women, much like the individual songs in previous Hero games released by a completely different publisher that is in no way related to Arctivision. There is no background or story explaining how you suddenly find yourself with a naked vagina in your face -- the stage loads up and it's just there.
Classy 70's-style bow-chika-wow-wow starts playing, and you find your screen assaulted with colored button-press indicators called "E-Zones". The E-Zones (or "EZ's") correspond to the same colored buttons on your Vagina Hero controller, dubbed "HodgePodge". Why HodgePodge?"Just look at it. What the f*** is that? We designed it and we don't even really know. We tried to stay true to real thing, but that's the best we could do."
Hit the jump to see a picture of the controller, which looks pretty much like every vagina I've ever seen. Just remember: the blue button takes you to a very special bonus level.
Mash that button!
Nov 26 2008 Italian Police Find Cellphone Gun: Excuse Me, I Need To Answer This....PEW PEW!
Italian police discovered a .22 caliber cellphone gun during a raid on a Camorra (Naples Mafia) compound.
Fully loaded, the gun's capable of firing four shots in quick succession through the antenna using buttons on the keypad as the trigger. Officers also seized bullet proof vests, drugs, ammunition and thousands of pounds in cash.
Screw the gun, thousands of pounds in cash? Are talking pounds the monetary unit or pounds as in I weigh far too many of them? And if it is the latter, tell me they were all ones. Then give me a stack -- Thanksgiving at the strip club!
Mafia 'mobile phone gun' seized [bbcnews]
Thanks to Georgethefirst, who still rocks a pager gun because he's oldschool.
Nov 26 2008 College Students Play Real-Life Quidditch
This is a video about college students playing a non-wizard version of Quidditch. You know, that game in Harry Potter where the players fly around with broomsticks up their asses. Unsurprisingly, it's taking college campuses by storm (just like Humans vs. Zombies!).
The earthbound variation is called Muggle Quidditch. The sport originated in 2005 when a student at Middlebury College adapted the game for the nonmagical world. Its popularity quickly spread, and today more than 150 colleges throughout the United States have Quidditch teams.
As in the fictional game, each Muggle Quidditch team has seven players: three chasers, two beaters, a keeper, and a seeker. Chasers score points by throwing a quaffle, or volleyball, through one of three hoops (worth 10 points) while trying to avoid bludgers, or dodgeballs, that are thrown by beaters. (If chasers are hit by a bludger, they must drop the quaffle.) The keeper's job is to protect the three goalposts, while the seeker must capture the snitch -- a sock stuffed with tennis balls carried by a person (typically a cross-country runner) dressed in gold. Capturing the snitch nets an additional 30 points and ends the game.
You know, different strokes for different folks. I spent my college career drinking and doing drugs, but Quidditch sounds fun too. And by fun I mean I was thankfully never violated by a broomstick in college. That came later. And splintery.
Not Harry Potter? Not a Problem [butoday]
Thanks to Brett and Hailey, who aren't allowed to play because they can fly.
Nov 26 2008 Thanksgiving Made Easy: A 2-Hour Turkey
Well folks, if you haven't noticed by the lack of people at work or canned pumpkin at Kroger, tomorrow is Thanksgiving. The day we Americans celebrate Jesus's first bite of whole foods (some say it was a wise man's camel) and the subsequent decimation of the Native American population via laced cornucopia. So, to help you get in the spirit of it all, a Thanksgiving-ish post!
The Nuwave Oven Pro is a $120 portable oven that can allegedly cook a 10-pound turkey (or small sibling) in a mere two hours. "NuWave performs this miracle using three kinds of heat: Conduction, convection and infrared, turning that raw bird into a golden brown beauty in no time flat." Oh really? I bet we could cut the cooking time down to an hour by adding a fourth type of heat -- my body's. Did that just turn you on? You're lying if you say it didn't. Anyway, as a notorious one last minute man, I'm gonna have to use the NuWave, seeing how my turkey isn't even thawed yet. Or purchased for that matter. I'll let you know how it goes.
UPDATE: Mmmm, raw turkey with salmonella gravy, love it.
NuWave Oven Pro cooks a turkey in 2 hours [dvice]
Nov 26 2008 Israeli Software 'Beautifies' Ugly Faces
A group of Israeli computer scientists think they've developed a program that can beautify a human face based on the innate preferences humans have. As you can see from the "beautified" Mona Lisa there, they've failed. I could have done a better job in Microsoft Paint.
"We were able to fit a mathematical model to this set of data that we've gathered, namely the images that we showed to people and their responses in terms of the beauty scores that they chose to give to each image," said Lischinksi.
Um, dude? Your mathematical model blows monster dino-dick.
The team then applied the model to modify images so as to make them appear more attractive. They are now exploring a variety of potential commercial applications for the software, Lischinski said."This is something we're looking into," he said. It remains to be seen whether women would simply use the improved image as a guide to more effective makeup application or whether people take it to a plastic surgeon and say: "Make me look like that."
Ladies, this is such garbage -- you're all beautiful just the way you are. Especially naked. And I mean that.
Keep the pictures coming.
Hit the jump for a real human face comparison.
Continue Reading " Israeli Software 'Beautifies' Ugly Faces "
Nov 26 2008 Rubber Duckies To Solve Global Warming
No, not really. But the yellow buggers are helping scientists track the speed of melting glaciers. Whee?
Should Greenland's 2.17 million square miles of ice ever melt completely, the water could raise sea level world-wide by 24 feet, swamping coastal cities that are home to millions of people. As Dr. Behar at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory soon discovered, though, there isn't much money for global-warming experiments in Greenland.
Consequently, Dr. Behar and his colleagues at the University of Colorado this past August released 90 yellow rubber ducks into the melt water flowing down a chasm in the largest of Greenland's 200 glaciers -- the Jakobshavn Isbrae -- which has been thinning rapidly since 1997.Each duck was imprinted with an e-mail address and, in three languages, the offer of a reward.
Geez, what shameless litterbugs. Wait, did that say reward? What do you think it is, $100? Okay, now what's $100 times 90 -- $900,000 right? Let's charter a boat!
Rubber Duckies to Help Track Speed of Melting Glaciers [foxnews]
Thanks to Sam, who doesn't play with toys in the bath anymore.
Nov 26 2008 Fonts Are Fun!: An Optima Prime T-Shirt
Remember the dead celebrity font ads from last month? Well in the same vein comes this Optima Prime t-shirt -- made entirely out of the Optima font! Wow, will the fun never end? The shirts start at $13.75, but if you want one that won't disintegrate the first time you wash it you're looking at more like $20. And speaking of $20, did you know that Andrew Jackson was nicknamed "Old Hickory"? It's true, the man had a wooden johnson.
Thanks to Neil, who may or may not be the man behind the Transformer mask.
Nov 26 2008 Remember: Drive Safely This Holiday Season
With the holidays rapidly approaching (read: Thanksgiving's tomorrow) there's a whole lot of traveling going on. And for those of you that will be out on the roads -- be careful. Winter weather is upon us, and so are all the crazies. So be safe, and don't drive like this. You know, like a woman. OH SNAP! Haha, now my girlfriend is kicking me in the nuts. It kind of hurts and feels good at the same time. Okay, that one just hurt. Honey, please, not the rolling pin!
Hit the jump for another one. But seriously folks, be safe, they've banned Geekologie in most hospitals.
Continue Reading " Remember: Drive Safely This Holiday Season "
Nov 25 2008 Robot Soldiers Will Kill Your Ass Dead
Soon, robot soldiers will kill you. But, if it makes you feel any better, some people think they'll be acting more ethically than humans.
"My research hypothesis is that intelligent robots can behave more ethically in the battlefield than humans currently can," said Ronald C. Arkin, a computer scientist at Georgia Tech, who is designing software for battlefield robots under contract with the Army. "That's the case I make."
He and others say that the technology to make lethal autonomous robots is inexpensive and proliferating, and that the advent of these robots on the battlefield is only a matter of time. That means, they say, it is time for people to start talking about whether this technology is something they want to embrace. "The important thing is not to be blind to it," Dr. Arkin said. Noel Sharkey, a computer scientist at the University of Sheffield in Britain, wrote last year in the journal Innovative Technology for Computer Professionals that "this is not a 'Terminator'-style science fiction but grim reality."
Not 'Terminator'-style science fiction my ass! We're all freaking dead man. And the last thing I need is captain crazy pants there in the picture programming killer robots. I mean, Jesus, look at that wood paneling.
Hit the link below for a nice long article that made me pee my pants a little. Okay, a lot.
A Soldier, Taking Orders From Its Ethical Judgment Center [nytimes]
Thanks to Downey and Daniel, both of whom can kill robots in their sleep.
Nov 25 2008 Oh Snap, You Just Got Tokyoflashed!
The Kisai Denshoku (Illumination) is an all new watch design available from Tokyoflash. With the push of a button the 12 bars light up in a three-part sequence to tell the time. First hours, then 10-minute blocks, then individual minutes. So simple even undersirable Geekologie commentors can do it (and then, God willing, die). The watch is available now for $247 and available in both black and gary. Did I say gary? I meant gray. I would hope it's not available in gary, although I did lose a watch in a Samantha once.
Hit the jump to see it in gray, then buy one.
Nov 25 2008 WoW NOM NOMS: Delicious Warcraft Cakes
This is a gallery of World of Warcraft cakes. There are eleven of them in all, ranging from the amazing to the somebody is trying to sneak a knife into jail. I particularly liked the last one, and not just because it looks like it was made out of human flesh. Although it does, and that shit's delicious. Mmmm, human rinds.
Hit the jump for the worthwhile gallery of NOM.
Nov 25 2008 Google Employees Create Spreadsheet Art
This is a time-lapse video of three Google employees creating an 18,600 cell mosaic in a spreadsheet. As you will see, it has a nice wintry theme. Namely, snowflakes. Personally, I would have gone with Frosty bending Santa over his sleigh for not bringing him the new corncob pipe he wanted, while Mrs. Claus watches from the kitchen window and bakes those delicious cookies of hers. But I don't get paid to sit around and make spreadsheet art. I get paid to sit around and desecrate your Christmas memories. Happy holidays bitches!
18,600-Cell Spreadsheet Mosaic Captured On Time-Lapse Video [gizmodo]
Thanks to Harrison, who's allegedly keeping Frosty's head alive in his freezer.
Nov 25 2008 New Cop Car Designed For Cops, By Cops
The Carbon Motors E7 is a new police cruiser that addresses safety and performance issues neglected due to the current practice of retrofitting Crown Victorias/Impalas.
Right now fire departments, emergency medical technicians, the military, and even mail carriers all use vehicles built specifically for them. But the country's 800,000 law enforcement first-responders drive dangerously retrofitted family sedans.
The E7 is being hailed as THE purpose-built vehicle for police officers. It was designed to jump curbs, safely detain criminals, be fuel efficient (40% more than current cruisers), and detect biological, chemical and radiation threats. In total, it has over 100 new features specifically requested by officers. Unfortunately, not a single one is a cup holder in the back.
Hit the jump for a video of the car.
Nov 25 2008 Nanotech Material Never Gets Wet, EVER
Scientists at the University of Zurich have developed a material that never gets wet. Even if you play romantic music and kiss it tenderly.
The fabric is constructed of polyester fibers that are covered in a layer of 40-nanometer-wide silicone nanofilaments. These nanofilaments are spiky and cause water to sit in a sphere above the fabric, a permanent pocket of air protected safely below.
The material even reduces drag in water by 20%! I have no idea what sort of implications that has, but I think it's something to do with waterproof sheets. Because I used to date a girl that would drink Redbull and vodka all night and then, WITHOUT FAIL, piss the bed. God she sucked. So if you want to make fun of her or call her a hosebag, feel free. Her name and address are:
UPDATE: Ha, silly lawyers.
Nanotech Material Never Gets Wet, Even When Wet [gizmodo]
Thanks to Richthegringo, who keeps the ladies like a tropical rainforest. You know, with all sorts of crazy animals and shit.
Nov 25 2008 Man Crosses Gorge With Jetpack, No Lasers
Eric Scott sped across the 1,500-foot-wide Royal Gorge in southern Colorado at a speed of 75 mph. With a jetpack. It took him 21 seconds and the bastard didn't even have a parachute because he's a stupid idiot. Also, this feat isn't very impressive. Anybody can jetpack over a gorge, but who can skateboard over one? Because one time I ollied over a recycling bin in my driveway. And broke my arm. True story. I have a titanium plate and a bunch of screws in there now. Oh my god -- I'm a freaking robot! Quick, off with the arm! We're running out of time -- just kill me! Softly, with your love. *wink*
Hit the jump for a video of the spectacle, which I found slightly disappointing (and I LOVE jetpacks).
Continue Reading " Man Crosses Gorge With Jetpack, No Lasers "
Nov 24 2008 That's What I Call Shiny: A Chrome Bugatti
We've seen chromed cars in the past, but quite frankly (can I call you Frankly?), those just weren't as shiny as this Bugatti Veyron. Maybe they went for the economy chrome job, but whatever the case, they lacked the mirror-like sheen of this summabitch. I mean, you could snort drugs off the hood of this thing. You know, or a CD case. But if you are doing your drugs off the back of a cracked CD case, chances are you probably don't have the money to be doing drugs. And your connection probably sucks. I guess what I'm getting at is this: you're snorting laxatives.
Hit the jump for four more of the shiny-shiny.
Continue Reading " That's What I Call Shiny: A Chrome Bugatti "
Nov 24 2008 You Look Stupid When You Play Video Games. Just Kidding, Only These Kids Do
You ever wonder what you look like playing video games? Well I'll tell you: a slovenly asshole with man-tits and torn boxers lounging on a broken recliner. Psyche, that's just me. But now photographer Robbie Cooper has made a video showing just how goofy kids look while they game. Make sure to check out the girl that is either the devil or on drugs at around 1:00. No emotion. Girl could kill you and your whole family and not bat an eye. Lock her up! Or, alternatively, burn her at the stake! But, if you go with the latter, I call a drumstick.
Thanks to Emode, who doesn't look stupid playing video games because he has laser eyes and balls the size of European castles.
Nov 24 2008 $450,000 Watch Features Real Moon Dust
The DNA Moon Dust Watch from Geneva watchmaker Romain Jerome was created to commemorate the 40th anniversary of the moon landing is limited to a not-so-limited edition of 1,969 (get it, because of the year?).
'The case of the watch is made with steel melted with fragments of the Apollo 11.
'The dial and face is made from minerals that include real dust from the moon - this is a world first. The moon dust had been melted into it.
Each piece will run between $15,000 and $450,000, depending on the amount of moon dust (cheap bastards didn't even use cheese) and Apollo metal included. Some of the straps are even made from the fibers of a spaceshit! Wait, I meant suit, spacesuit. Anyway, this is a total ripoff. I bought an authentic angel dust watch from a tweaker for only $20. Whee, ants are crawling under my skin!
The watch that is out of this world: Timepiece made from moon dust will cost £300,000 [dailymail]
Thanks to Uncle Eccoli, who doesn't need a moon dust watch to know it's time to party.
Nov 24 2008 Couple Sues McDonald's After Leaving Cell Phone At Store And Their Private Pictures Show Up Online (Suprise, Surprise!)
Arkansas native Phillip Sherman and his wife Tina are suing McDonald's because Phillip left his cell phone at a restaurant and the nudey pictures of his wife that were on it headed straight for the internet (they always do).
The suit was filed Friday and seeks a jury trial and $3 million in damages for suffering, embarrassment and the cost of having to move to a new home (due to alleged stalkers).
The suit says that Phillip Sherman left the phone the Fayetteville store in July and that employees promised to secure it until he returned.
Now I hate to call the Shermans liars and cheats, but they most certainly are. Can somebody say chili finger? Or, in this case, cheeseburger ass?
Nude pics in phone lost at McDonald's get online [associatedpress]
Thanks to Lobster, who, despite his inherent deliciousness, couldn't find the pics online.
Nov 24 2008 ZOMG, Cutest Roomba Driver Ever!
This is a video of a cat driving a Roomba. Really warms the cockles, doesn't it? Speaking of which, what the hell's a cockle?
NOUN:
1. Any of various bivalve mollusks of the family Cardiidae, having rounded or heart-shaped shells with radiating ribs.
2. The shell of a cockle.
3. A wrinkle; a pucker.
4. Nautical: A cockleshell.
That makes no sense whatsoever. Ah, here we go:
IDIOM:
cockles of (one's) heart
One's innermost feelings: The valentine warmed the cockles of my heart.
So, ethically speaking, is it okay to eat cockles because they don't have any? Steam on that one for a minute. Then, admit you just got your ass philosophized off by the Geekologie Writer! You little cockle gobblin' fools you.
Thanks to my brother Frank, whose miniature dachshund Link refuses to ride the Roomba. Seriously little guy, do it for Zelda.
Nov 24 2008 Now That's What I Call Hot: LEGO Fashion
Designer Jean Charles de Castelbajac, now to be known as Jean Charles Van Damme Dem Legos Are Hot, displayed some LEGO inspired outfits at a recent fashion show. If you can't tell, they're making me amorous. Gimme kissey! Haha, now that'll be a nickel. And also, why the hell am I not a fashion designer? I've got some killer ideas. Namely, a LEGO castle on some waif's head. ZOMG, I'm gonna take the fashion industry by storm! AND the lapels. See what I did there? No? Hey, I'm just flying by the seat of my LEGO pants. Jesus, I could do this all day.
Hit the jump for a worthwhile video of what the show had looked like if they had used actual minifigs.
Continue Reading " Now That's What I Call Hot: LEGO Fashion "
Nov 24 2008 Bullets And Paper Cuts: Hellboy's Samaritan
This is a papercraft model of Hellboy's revolver, the Samaritan. It's pretty freaking wicked and features a working hinge, loadable bullets, and complicated instructions. Hit the jump to see another pictures of the intricacy. But if there's one thing I've learned during my brief tenure on this planet we call f***ed, it's this: don't ever bring a paper gun to a knife fight -- you're gonna get stabbed.
Hit the link for the 14-page printable instructions.
Continue Reading " Bullets And Paper Cuts: Hellboy's Samaritan "
Nov 24 2008 PEEEW!: Meteor Blasts Over Canada
A brilliant meteor shone its alien light over Alberta and Saskatchewan at approximately 5:30 p.m. last Thursday.
[The meteor] likely weighed between one and 10 tons and shone brightly enough to be seen over an area 700 km (435 miles) wide.
"It was somewhere between the size of a chair to the size of a desk," said Alan Hildebrand, a planetary scientist at the University of Calgary and a coordinator of a fireball reporting service.
Well damn, you think there were any aliens aboard that mother? I dunno, but rest assured I'll be sleeping underwearless tonight to find out. Report tomorrow.
UPDATE: We aren't alone. Wait a minute -- this is just a broken television antennae!
Meteor lights up skies over Western Canada [yahoonews]
