Aug 18 2008Man Humps Steel Bench, Almost Loses Junk
I have no idea what some of you tipsters' obsession is with guys getting their junk stuck in things, but it's borderline disturbing (just kidding, it's totally rad). But here goes: Xing, a 41-year old man, was wandering through LanTian park in Hong Kong late one night when he thought to himself, "I should stick my penis in a steel park bench, you know, for the Olympics." And that's what he did. Unfortunately, mid-coitus Xing realized he was stuck and called the police using his cell phone.
When police arrived, Xing was moaning in pain and stuck face down to the bench. They tried several penis-liberating options (including taking blood) before sawing the entire bench off and taking it to the hospital. 4 hours later Xing had his penis back, sans giant metal bench attachment. Good thing too, because doctors said one hour longer and they would have chopped his member off. Oh man, this reminds me of the time I made love to a hole in a tree during a camping trip. Hello woodpecker nest! Seriously, I pee out the side of my penis now.
Hit the jump for two more pictures of Xing and a video news report. Warning: lots of painful moaning. Lots. A lot, a lot. Tons. Never heard so much painful moaning. Also, added another link to a story about a guy that had sex with the umbrella hole of his picnic table so often that his neighbor finally filmed it and called the police. You're welcome.
Man Almost Loses Penis Humping Steel Bench [weirdasiannews]
other story:
Nude man charged with having sex with table [metro]
Thanks to Tekaro, Jered, and Brandon, who live vicariously through these stories.
Reader Comments
1. Sam - August 18, 2008 10:31 AM
First!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2. OMgirl - August 18, 2008 10:32 AM
PERV!!!!!
3. gypsy - August 18, 2008 10:32 AM
So he was tired of his girlfriend just laying there during sex, so he thought a bench would be better?
4. Julian - August 18, 2008 10:46 AM
As an avid enthusiast of penal spelunking I found this to be very daring. This guy knew going in that sticking his trouser snake in a coarse sharp edged metal bench would hurt but he had the balls to f*** it anyways, thats quiet admirable. The most daring thing I've ever done was either doing a greek prostitute in the underbelly of greece at 4am or go 11 rounds in a penis sword fight in the bathroom at the Y . . . (totally straight)
5. Pierre - August 18, 2008 10:59 AM
you are so straight "if by straight being you like guy junk" EN GARDE!
6. SilverSidedDotCom - August 18, 2008 11:01 AM
Big peg...small hole...ahhh I'm sure it'll fit!!
7. SilverSidedDotCom - August 18, 2008 11:03 AM
The man in this story qualifies for an ECIP FAIL me thinks!!!
8. neonarg - August 18, 2008 11:21 AM
watch in the next few weeks he will be walking in the park and the temptation to do it again will be to high even though he will know what will happen.
still though look how small the holes are on the bench...that is all I'm going to say...
9. Carl - August 18, 2008 11:31 AM
Yeah.
and I’m pretty sure he wont even call that bench either.
douche
10. El Basto - August 18, 2008 11:35 AM
This is an epic fail due to:
a) Small penis
b) Being cock trapped by a steel bench
c) Having blood removed from your penis without involving a championship /=uck
d) Going public
11. Couldn't fit in that hole - August 18, 2008 11:39 AM
Haha, listen to the voices the guy is making in the video! I think he may still be enjoying it...
12. OMgirl - August 18, 2008 11:39 AM
Q: what is worse than a perverted??
A: a perverted with a tiny winy penis
13. el - August 18, 2008 11:52 AM
so does having sex with inanimate objects count as cheating?
bc that's totally my boyfriend... and i'm pissed.
14. Ted - August 18, 2008 12:18 PM
I admire the fellow, as I always say 'Any holes a goal'.
15. Pierre - August 18, 2008 12:26 PM
as i read this again, do you guys maybe think he lost a bet?
16. greg - August 18, 2008 12:32 PM
the penis AND his foot finger
check in the first pic
17. HNB - August 18, 2008 1:16 PM
Hong Kong - 1
Grossed out rest of the world - 0
18. intermission - August 18, 2008 1:45 PM
that hole is tiny!...... i wonder how small his penis is then?
and people think asians are smart?
19. dandaman - August 18, 2008 2:01 PM
pure greatness in journalism "at least he proved that not all asian men are small"
20. Lynz - August 18, 2008 2:04 PM
#18. Asians are smart. Because they don't have their dicks do the thinking for them because they are too small. Their brains are where they should be. Unlike stupid Americans who are still idiots even though their dicks are still small. But you get me.
And from the comment at the end of the video, apparently this guy was not small, and therefore was retarded.
And that is my logic.
21. Becca - August 18, 2008 2:05 PM
Well, I gotta say this guy definitely qualifies for an "epic fail", but sadly there are stupider guys out there. There was one guy who had a fetish with his vacuum cleaner, & stuck his penis in there, only to get it chopped off by the blade. There was another guy who worked in some sort of factory, and everyday at lunch, he would masturbate using the conveyor belt. One day he got stuck, got thrown through the air, and decided to fix himself up with his STAPLE GUN!! So while this bench guy humiliated himself PUBLICLY (and revealed his small penis size to the world), he is not the stupidest. I vote we put him up for a Darwin award!
(By the way, the two other guys I mentioned were both past Darwin award winners. Obviously :))
22. guate6 - August 18, 2008 3:39 PM
While I like the bet idea, I'm not sure it's the case. One can only hope.
If not, then yes, he failed and should have at least tried stealing the park bench (or use PVC or something).
23. Nacon - August 18, 2008 4:48 PM
What a f***ing moron. No really, a f***ing moron.
24. Gertrude - August 18, 2008 6:33 PM
Honk kong?
25. peskyn00b - August 18, 2008 7:25 PM
LOLZ...he musta had olypic fever!
26. Ho-Bot - August 18, 2008 9:09 PM
If you like this story check this dude out major shrinkage...
http://aycu25.webshots.com/image/34504/2002067068604076779_rs.jpg
27. Stanislav Babu - August 19, 2008 1:17 AM
Actually, that's easy. All he got to do is think about his awful-looking dog humping his ass. That will calm his shlong down.
28. houstonhasaproblem - August 19, 2008 1:34 AM
Well, that video had a pretty good punchline. Worth the watch for sure.
29. Marcusintheskies - August 19, 2008 5:28 AM
hahahaha for the olympics :p he probably got paid for it to draw the attention from the olympic scandals/human rights stuff :p
30. jonny - August 19, 2008 6:14 PM
wow that will keep me of hunping "stuff" for a while! did a bench last week gosh do i fell lucky!
31. wanks - August 21, 2008 1:43 PM
SARS!
32. subatomic - January 25, 2009 9:36 PM
i guess none of the EMTs thought of getting somebody (a fluffer girl perhaps) to "satisfy" the poor chap. He comes, he shrinks, he slides outta the hole. Problem solved. You're welcome.
Oh, and obviously this idiot didn't realize that a Glory Hole isn't glory unless there is someone on the other side to suck. What a chav.
33. doublea - February 4, 2009 1:58 PM
I don't think all of those firemen need to be there. i think they were there for the laughs.