May 29 2008Like I Really Needed Any More Proof: Foolish Scientists Teach Monkeys To Control Robots With Their Minds, AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!
If there's one thing I hate in the world it's robots. And that hate is only trumped by cute little monkeys in laboratories controlling robots with their brains. F'ing a. So yeah, a bunch of scientists that deserve to have their diplomas and lab jackets revoked have taught some monkeys to feed themselves using robotic arms using only their brains. Because this is supposed to help us in one way or another.
The animals were able to feed themselves using prosthetic arms, which were controlled by brain activity.
Small probes, the width of a human hair, were inserted into the monkeys' primary motor cortex - the region of the brain that controls movement."The more we understand about the brain, the better we'll be able to treat a wide range of brain disorders, everything from Parkinson's disease and paralysis to, eventually, Alzheimer's disease and perhaps even mental illness."
I call shenanigans. These scientists don't give two flying monkey shits about curing disease. The sick bastards are building a primate-controlled robot army to kill us all. Now let's go smash up their lab and free those poor little monkeys. Who's with me? Come on, it'll be fun. We'll get drunk as shit on the ride back and make the monkeys drive.
Video of the poor little guy in action after the jump.
Monkey's brain controls robot arm [bbcnews]
Thanks to Barrie, Liz, Andrew, Sid, Ken, Caitlin, Josh and Daniel for bringing this doomsday prophecy to my attention.
Reader Comments
1. Steve - May 29, 2008 9:44 AM
This is sweet. He looks pretty happy.
2. daguz - May 29, 2008 10:06 AM
I'd be happy too if I had a partial lobotomy. Gosh, I kinda wish I had one. I loved that song from the Ramones "Teenage Lobotomy"
3. Matt - May 29, 2008 10:16 AM
ya - that monkey is your future master and lord, you better show him some respect.
4. Dave - May 29, 2008 10:20 AM
Hahaha - I was just about to send this link to Geekologie - you guys rock. What's next? Xmas 2025 Monkeybots will be sold as household slaves and the robacalypse will be officially underway.
5. Pete - May 29, 2008 10:21 AM
Marshmallow's?
Surely he would of been much more inclined to go for a few banan's or something.
6. wiinja - May 29, 2008 10:31 AM
I'd like to be first to welcome our new robo-monkey masters
7. erkle - May 29, 2008 10:35 AM
whats going on with the narrator's tongue in that video? sounds like she's had a gorilla's tongue transplanted in, kind of like gene simmons did.
or was that a baboons tongue...
8. Josh - May 29, 2008 11:01 AM
here's another, even scarier view of the robot monkey arm...
http://www.nature.com/nature/journal/vaop/ncurrent/extref/nature06996-s3.mpg
9. guate6 - May 29, 2008 12:07 PM
I'm not one to poke "OLD" at things, so what I want to say is that this technology has been around for a while (read: at least seven years). While this video may be the latest "breakthrough," there's been talk of piloting airplanes with one's own mind, as well as being able to communicate with thoughts (people who can't speak, can use a computer that can say words).
The science behind it, is that hopefully it can help humans who are debilitated or less fortunate and who would need this type of technology to survive. I guess the stay-at-home nurse thing is going to be outdated, but I give it no earlier than 2020 before this is seen in larger, more affordable scales, and at least 2030 before it's more portable. (unless NASA gets ahold of it, then it could be another century).
10. KATHERINE - May 29, 2008 1:19 PM
This is not new technology. People who have lost their arms have fake robot arms that they control with their minds.
I'm a college student on summer holidays with nothing to do, I wouldn't mind having drunk-rebel-monkey saver on my resume.
11. Skatelip - May 29, 2008 2:59 PM
More disturbing than a future of robotic monkey conquerors is the fact that when I read about this last night I thought, "Crap, this is going to scare the Geekologie writer shitless!"
I need to get outside and look at the sun.
12. robotacon - May 29, 2008 3:58 PM
I love you Dr Zeus!
13. BlightedArt - May 29, 2008 4:37 PM
This was on the news here this morning. o_O One of the reporters made a good point about how it appears the video these shots come from were POSSIBLY "carefully shot" so that you wouldn't be able to see the back of the monkey's head to see technological apparatus / wiring protruding from it.
14. axel - May 29, 2008 4:53 PM
GNIHIHI HA HA HARR he hek
BEST HEADLINE and TAGS EVER on this site
15. Mojo Jojo - May 30, 2008 6:36 AM
we will be the victors! because you will be the defeated, leaving us, the victors, to be the winners! mhuahuahuahuah
16. I.AM.IRONMAN - May 30, 2008 8:14 AM
So, is it to early for me to cut off my limbs and ask them to build me a robotic suit?
17. Maersk - June 1, 2008 5:28 AM
That part about breaking the monkeys out of a scientific testing facility brang back to me haunting memories of the opening scene of 28 days later, when the monkeys infected with rage are broken out and, of course, all hell breaks loose.
Don't say I didn't warn you guys when the monkey cyborg apocalypse comes!
18. KYLE - June 9, 2008 6:49 PM
i would just like to say that the sick little selfish bastard that wrote this must have been retarded. I can understand the whole save the animals thing, cause i am against animal testing. But honestly, get to a effin doctor because you need to get some meds for paranoia. Its not to make an army you dumb fuck, its so people who are paralyzed or loose a limb can have a chance to function more normally, witout having to wear a giant battery powered machine, or a plastic arm or leg that is useless. So next time you want to complaine about "robot armies" go take a long walk off a short peir, cause i'm pretty sure that the air that your wasting, thinking up these shit filled ideas, could have billions of better uses.
as far as i'm concerned, the only reason for the scientists to make a "monkey controled robot army' would be so they could teach it to fly to your house, and kick your ass.