Oct 5 2007 Lamp Works Without Touching, Clapping
The Airswitch Lamp works without ever having to touch it. You just swipe your hand over it and it turns on and off. You place your hand over the lamp and either raise or lower it in order to adjust brightness. They cost $79 and come in red, orange, blue and green. The only problem is, unlike the clapper, you have to be within arm's reach of the lamp in order to control it. I have a better system, but it works on a similar premise. I swipe my hand across my girlfriend's ass, follow it with a "get the damn light woman" and ta-da, off it goes.
AirSwitch Lamp: The New Clapper [uberreview]
Oct 5 2007 Swoop Scooper Better Than Bare Hands
The swoop is a new take on an old problem -- picking up dog shit. You attach one of the special elastic bags, and it's spring loaded mechanism grabs the crap and turns the bag inside out in one action. It costs $25 and the replacement bags are stupidly expensive. Almost everyone I know just takes a plastic grocery bag with them when they walk their dog. I don't do that. If the dog shits in a neighbor's yard that I don't like then I give it a kick and try to hit their porch. If it's in someone's yard that I like, I just leave it, out of respect.
Scoopin Dog Poo [electroplankton]
Oct 5 2007 Panzer Paintball Tank Is A Cute Little Thing
The Paintball Panzer is a tank designed for use in paintball matches. It has a 24-inch gun, and can shoot 15 balls a second. They cost a staggering $18,000 apiece. Now I'm not here to steal their business or anything, but for only $4,500 I'll sell you a Paintball Plymouth. And if you're thinking a Paintball Plymouth is just my neighbor's stolen Neon with the windows knocked out, you're right.
A video of the cute little bugger after the splatter.
Continue Reading " Panzer Paintball Tank Is A Cute Little Thing "
Oct 5 2007 Light Up Chair Is A Chair With Lights In It
The Bot-One Pod Cushion is a seating creation from Slide Italian Design. It's made of polyethylene, so you can rock it inside or outside, and it looks like a giant douche bag. It's got energy-efficient 25 watt bulbs in it, making it a reasonably well lit giant douche bag. I just don't know how I feel about my ass being lit up when I'm seated. Because the last time my ass lit up was when I was burning the hair off it with a lighter. My ass and balls went up in flames, followed by my pants, and finally the couch. Try explaining that one to the fire department. I just told them I passed out with the crack pipe, so I wouldn't look stupid.
Light Up Lounger - Bot-One Pod Cushion [trendhunter]
Oct 5 2007 Looj Robot Is A Gutter Cleaner, Not For Ass
Looj is a remote controlled gutter cleaning robot from iRobot. It was not made for asses. Models start at $100 and go up to $170. You throw the wily little bastard in the gutter, and away he goes, augering all the very loose debris and throwing it over the side. I don't need one, because whenever I babysit the neighbor's kid I throw him up on the roof and make him clean the gutters for me. Sometimes I give him a dollar in change if he does a real good job. Sike, he doesn't get shit.
A video after the jump. It's hilarious. A guy selling a GUTTER CLEANING ROBOT forgets what a gutter is at 0:28. Awesome.
Continue Reading " Looj Robot Is A Gutter Cleaner, Not For Ass "
Oct 5 2007 D3O Protects Head/Knees From Snow Shovel
D3O Lab has developed D3O, a "specially engineered material with intelligent molecules that flow with you as you move but on shock lock together to absorb impact energy." It's being used for it's shock absorption properties, and is currently available in motorcycle gear, shin pads, hats, etc. The video above shows a moderate to severely retarded man getting hit in the head and knees with a snow shovel. I want to try. I'd pretend I was going for the knee and then *crack*, right in the face. He could use some of that orange shit to glue his nose back on afterwards.
Product Site via Beat me in the head with a shovel [neatorama]
Oct 5 2007 Kyokusen Watch Tells Time, Somehow
I love the watches at Tokyoflash, because I really appreciate a timepiece that is hard to read. The Kyoshen ($120) is surprisingly less confusing than many of the other watches they sell. Yellow bars are hours, red circle dots are five minute increments, and the green dots are single minutes. See, simple as pie. Just wait till someone asks you what time it is. Say "let me just check my wa... OH JESUS, SOMEONE'S STRAPPED A BOMB TO MY ARM!!" then push them to the ground, and walk away.
One more of the time telling directions, along with a couple more of my favorites, after the tick.
Oct 5 2007 More Remote Buttons = More Awesome
The Pultius remote was designed by Art Lebedev Studios with the idea of having a button for every channel on television. It's 20-inches long and has 102 small channel buttons, in a rainbow of colors. I'm from the old school, where more buttons means you're more of a man, so I'm all about it. The color gradient may detract from the manliness slightly, but you can't win them all. This might not be a bad idea. If you can program all the buttons any way you want, then you can program color blocks for different genres of channels. For example, my remote would be sports in the purple section at the bottom. The sections above that would be for porno.
Art Lebedev's Pultius remote: one button for every channel [engadget]
Oct 4 2007 Apple Fan Pwns Microsoft Sign
An Apple fan was caught showing Bill and the rest of Microsoft what he/she thinks of the company. I use he/she because I've spent the better part of fifteen minutes trying to figure out what sex that person is, and I still can't tell. Let's run through the photographic evidence. Long hair: Many dorky men in the computer industry have pony tails, so this is inconclusive. Tucked in t-shirt: Just as popular with both male and female virgins, so again, inconclusive. Possible earring: Looks like it may be a hoop, so leaning female, or very gay male. Lastly, Peeing like a dude, but no visible urine on sign: Likely indicates a female, or a male with penis so small the guy is lost in his own pubic hair and peeing into his hand. Conclusion: Dork. Likely virgin. Little or no penis.
UPDATE: I'm not making fun of Apple or Apple users, just the boob in the picture.
Microsoft Sign Gets Upgraded [techeblog]
Oct 4 2007 Chair Is Opposite Of Humpty Dumpty
Max Dean and Raffaello D'Andrea have created a chair that breaks apart, and then puts itself back together again -- slooowly. The first part of the clip is sped up 2x, but it still takes about two minutes for the reassembly to take place. The chair is controlled by two computers, has 14 motors, and 2 gearboxes to make it all possible. I'd like to see the sorry little bastard put himself back together after I take a chainsaw to a few of those legs and maybe bash the seat a few times. Not so tough now, are you robot chair? I didn't think so. I win.
Zombie Chair Cannot Be Destroyed [botjunkie]
Oct 4 2007 Folding Urinal Takes Up Less Space, Water
Mister Miser is a urinal that folds out of the wall to save space. It looks bad. It has a "porcelain-like" finished door, meaning it's a big piece of plastic, and costs $295. It only uses 10 ounces of water per flush, making them a greener alternative than regular toilets. Of course they'll probably save even more water that that, because you're likely to stumble in the bathroom at night, forget to unfold that bitch, and piss all over the wall. That requires 0 ounces per flush. And so does draining your snake in the sink, which is what I do.
Folding Urinal For Your Bathroom [uberreview]
Oct 4 2007 Multimedia Ring Box Pops The Question Why?
The Euricase Multimedia Ring Box costs $200 ($250 for gold or silver plated), and includes a tiny LCD screen and illuminated ring bed. You can upload a slide show with up to 500 pictures, or an hour of video, that starts playing when the box is opened. Hopefully you don't accidentally include the footage of you banging/doing drugs off the hooker you spent the night with last week. I feel like this thing might detract from the actual proposal, which is supposed to be romantic, not goofy. Of course, if I can provide any useful advice, the next time you're about to pop the question -- don't. Run like hell in the opposite direction. Stay young. Live your life. Stick with hookers.
Euricase Multimedia Ring Box [newlaunches]
Oct 4 2007 Finger Touching Turns Fingers To Buttons
Finger Touching, a device developed by Samsung, turns your fingers into the buttons on a cellphone, so you can text faster -- or at least on bigger buttons. It's "easier and lighter in mobile circumstances corresponding to the 3.5G, 4G communication standard." Basically it projects the letters onto the three segments of each finger, and you push what you want. I think this is a pretty clever idea, but I don't need one. Because I don't have a cell phone. Or a land line. I have two rusty soup cans and a very long string. Which is ultra high technology. Don't believe me? You wouldn't know high technology if it called your treefort and gave you tetanus. Which is what it did to me, so I know.
Wearable Mobile Device For Enhanced Chatting [yankodesign]
Oct 4 2007 Delicious Bread Wrist Rest Prevents Strain
I don't know about you, but when I think carpal tunnel prevention, I think Subway subs. Now, instead of smashing my lunch, I can purchase a cell foam replica to provide the same comfort. For $20, you can get a bread shaped wrist rest for your keyboard. You may think this is the dumbest idea ever, but I need one. You see, there's this real jerk at work who always sneaks into my cubicle when I'm out and eats my f'ing lunch. So I'm gonna use this as a decoy. The fat bastard will come over and start eating it, and then when he's almost done I'll pop out from behind the paper shredder and yell "Haha, I caught you! The joke's on you buddy, because that's a fake. Should be a real treat on it's way out." Then I'll kick him in the scrotum, for good measure.
Baguette Keyboard Wrist Rest: The Tasty Way To Prevent Carpal Tunnel [uberreview]
Oct 4 2007 Wire Lamborghini Is Slow, Must Be Pedaled
Sculptor Benedict Radcliffe and pedal car designer Ben Wilson showed off this wire Lamborghini at the Art Car Parade in Manchester last month. If you can't tell, it's made of wire. And has pedals to make it go. God, can you imagine all the bugs splattered on your face when you take that puppy out and let it rip at speeds in excess of 2-3 mph? Wow, what a joyride that would be. Needless to say, this is one Lamborghini that will not get you laid. Which, I thought, was the purpose of them in the first place.
One more of a cop warning these guys they're about to chop the toes off an oblivious woman with a sign, after the jump.
Continue Reading " Wire Lamborghini Is Slow, Must Be Pedaled "
Oct 4 2007 Nail Assist: For Struggling Carpenters
I'm building a pirate ship and taking it out to sea to rob and pillage the rich, so you better believe I can drive a nail straight. For those of you who can't, you should learn. For those of you that aren't into learning there's the 'Nail Assist' system. You put a nail in the tube, put it where you want, and bang on the big ass top with a hammer. Please note: Your wife will probably insist you do the cooking and laundry and that she'll handle the home repairs if you're caught with this thing. She may also cheat on you. Which you will deserve.
One more after the jump, just in case the concept is beyond you.
Oct 3 2007 Buy Your Own Moon, Hang It Anywhere!
A group of Russian designers have created and started manufacture of these moon shaped light boxes and sells them as 'Your Personal Moon'. I used to know a Russian once, and all he would do is break the top off a vodka bottle and drink the whole thing. I've got the feeling he was not involved with this project. No idea how to get one or how much they are, because my mail order Russian bride used me to gain U.S. citizenship and ran away. Someone feel free to find that out. Oh, and someone feel free to explain to me why the hell that guy in the picture is sleeping with a moon. Sure I've banged my share of embarrassing objects (most notably a grill), but come on. A moon? That guy is one sick bastard.
Some blowups of the small pictures after the jump.
Oct 3 2007 Mario Brothers Air Fresheners Smell
Because one Mario Brothers related post just wasn't enough for today, come these two handsome bastards. They're Mario and Luigi car air fresheners! Okay, they're air fresheners that happen to have Mario and Luigi standing on top. Now I'm not encouraging you to make your own, but you probably should. Or you can pay $7.61 for the two pack. They stand just short of 4 inches tall, and come in odors like clogged toilet, urine, crap, and shit. Just kidding. They're probably vanilla or pine or something equally stupid. Pina colada would be okay though.
The Fresh, Invigorating Scent Of Mario And Luigi [uberreview]
Oct 3 2007 Betty Bike Lamp Is Bright And Expensive
The Betty cycle lamp is a lamp for your bicycle. It's called Betty because I used to date a girl by the same name and she had some headlights on her that would make you curl and weep they were so damn fine. So that's why it's called that. It's 22 watts and 1,400 lumens, making it pretty damn bright. Yeah, but here comes the kicker. Get ready. Here comes. Just a minute now. It costs $1,185. Wasn't expecting that were you? You should have been sitting down. I meant to warn you but I was daydreaming about Betty's milk balloons. Sorry.
Betty Cycle Lamp Lights Up The Night [ubergizmo]
Oct 3 2007 Gun Mice Are Awesome, Wear You Out
When I first saw this mouse I thought it was a great idea, and I still do, but it needs to be improved slightly. It's awesome to play first person shooters with, but only for the first five minutes. Even with my incredible wrists and forearms I can't hold my arm in that awkward position for too long. What I'm getting at is that it needs an armrest. And for $70 it should come with one. It should also come with a warning that reads "If you use this mouse at work and yell "bang! bang!" whenever you click on something you will probably be fired." Because, well, that's what happened.
Move Up to a 'Higher Caliber' Pointing Device [therawfeed]
Oct 3 2007 Replug Prevents Unsafe Pull Out
Replug protects your audio devices by preventing the cord from being ripped out at awkward angles. It consists of a 3.5mm audio jack that plugs into your device and just leaves a little magnetic nubbin sticking out. This connects to the rest of the Replug system and your audio cable. No word on release date or price, but these things are long overdue. They just need to make them for all cables. Because one time my dog ran by the desk and caught the scanner's cord to my pc on his leg. He yanked the whole damn thing off the desk, trashing it. It was awesome. So awesome I dropped him off at the pound.
One more showing how the piece works after the jump.
Oct 3 2007 Mario Mushroom Lamps Lack Power-Ups
Brando.com.hk is selling these mushroom lamps, which resemble the shrooms from Mario Brothers. They're powered by 4 AA batteries, and their illumination comes from 2 white LEDs. You mash the top to turn them on and off, which is fun. They cost $12, which isn't too shabby, and come in the colors shown above. Just don't take a bite of one for a midnight snack. The last time I ate a shroom that looked like that I spent six hours having a heart to heart with my neighbor's garden gnome. Great guy.
Oct 3 2007 New Sony Display Is Thinner Than Hell
Sony had their new XEL-1 OLED TV on display recently at CEATEC, a Japanese consumer electronics show. Now I'm not one to jump to conclusions or anything, but based on the photographic evidence, I'm tempted to say this thing is thin. It boasts a 3mm depth, 1 million:1 contrast ratio, and costs $1,700 (!!) for an 11-incher. Now I know what you're thinking. Here comes a 3mm wide, 11 inch long dong joke. Well I have news for you folks. I'm too mature for that. So instead I'm just going to say that while thin may be in, fat is where it's at. CRTs forever.
One more from the side after the jump.
Oct 2 2007 Ex-Time Watch Projects Time On Arm
The Ex-Time Watch, a conceptual watch by Rong Yong, projects the current time and date onto your arm/hand with the push of a button. So when someone asks what time it is, you push a button, and then point your arm in their direction while flipping them the bird. I like the concept, because I hate listening to people. Just show me your damn watch, I can tell the time myself. Besides, you'll probably round off to the closest five minutes or something. I want the exact damn time. This watch is not for me. My wrists are so fat it would be projecting the time straight into a chub roll. You wouldn't be able to read anything.
Ex-Time Projector Watch [ohgizmo]
Oct 2 2007 Bike Mowers Are Awesome, Cut Grass
I don't know what rock I was living under when this trend started but bike-mower hybrids look like they're really catching on. You take a shitty ass bike, attach a shitty ass push mower instead of a front wheel, and presto, bike mower! Make it a lowrider and you're the coolest person on the block. Who needs an expensive John Deere when you can pedal around the yard on one of these? Well me for one. But that's because I have a monster f'ing yard. I'd love to be greener, but the goats don't eat as much grass as was advertised. They just stand on the damn shed all day making funny noises.
A few more after the jump, including one of me mowing the concrete.
Oct 2 2007 Numeric Keypad + Mouse = Numeric Mouse!
I work almost exclusively from the john, so my computing is typically done via a laptop perched on the sink. Well my little laptop doesn't have a numeric keypad, so when I have to punch in numbers to work out how much I owe in alimony this month, it's a pain. Enter the numeric keypad mouse. For about $28, you can purchase the lovechild of a horny keypad and very slutty mouse. They come in black or white (although the white looks silver to me) and may save you some time while avoiding the shift key. I know I'm going to buy one. Then I'm going to realize that I don't use a mouse on the john and stuff it in a desk drawer to be forgotten.
Numeric Keypad Mouse For Number Nerds Hits [therawfeed]
Oct 2 2007 NYPD's New License Plate Readers
The New York Police Department is currently testing a camera that can read license plates and then transmit that information to a database to search for matches. The camera is a couple of blocks from ground zero, and is part of the city's effort to create a high-tech security ring around Lower Manhattan. No data is being collected at the moment -- the camera is just being tested, so you can rest (a little) easier. Big brother is not yet in full swing. The good news is that they didn't say the camera can scan vehicles for hookers. They also failed to mention what happens if you don't have a plate on. Which probably means you beat the system.
New York City Cameras to Read License Plates [therawfeed]
Oct 2 2007 Time Machine: World's First Computer Mouse
Proving that things were way cooler back in the day, is the world's first computer mouse. Made by Douglas Engelbart in 1964, it "consisted of two gear-wheels positioned perpendicular to each other -- allowing movement on one axis." Just look at this thing. Ergonomic shape, great button placement -- and it's made of wood. If that ain't style, then I don't know what is. Sure the front has rotted out, but who cares. My mouse looks like that, and it's brand new. That's just what happens when porn doesn't download fast enough and you start slamming the mouse on the desk.
One more of the underside after the jump.
Continue Reading " Time Machine: World's First Computer Mouse "
Oct 2 2007 Man Attaches Train Horn To Car, People Crap
My dad hooked an old 18 wheeler's horn up to his Pinto station wagon, and when you honked it the headlights would basically dim off. But damn was it loud. The dumb bastard in this video specializes in mounting train horns to cars so you can go out and honk so loud people crap their pants. Based on the video I would say several people got a case of the ookey dookies that day. Now I don't promote this kind of behavior. I'm confident these guys are penis-less jackasses. But that's because they use this horn for evil. I'm mature enough to only use it for good, like getting jerks off their cell phones while driving. I'm practically a superhero.
Train horn on a car - Havoc on the streets [newlaunches]
Oct 2 2007 Make The Whole Ocean Your Aquarium
The Jelly-fish 45 habitat is like a cross between a house and a boat. Which would make it a houseboat, except the damn thing doesn't go anywhere under its own power. So it's a habitat instead. It measures 30 meters tall and 15 meters wide. It can house up to 6 people, and has 5 levels, the lowest of which is partially submerged so you can see fish and pollution and stuff. I really do want one, but at $2,500,000, I can forget about it. I've already sold all my non-critical organs for video games and beer. I'm basically just a head and an arm.
One more picture of the underwater section after the dive.
Oct 2 2007 Expensive Bathtub Reminds Me Of Pipe
Can't tell what you're looking at? It's a $26,000 bathtub from artist Tetsuya Nakamura. It reminds me of a pipe I used to have. My grandmother found it in my sock drawer and kicked me out of her attic. The bathtub is made out of reinforced plastic though, not glass. But I imagine you could still get a hell of a toke off it. But be careful. The last time I smoked out of plastic I inhaled too much vaporized polyvinyl chloride, and now they say I can't make babies. Which, in my case, is probably a good thing.
One more of a $8,600 sink after the splash.
Oct 1 2007 Female Master Chief Makes Me Feel Funny
Artist David Johnson has created a female Master Chief figure in polymer clay and is selling her on eBay. She is 8" tall and gives me a boner (which is about half that size). Bidding started at $199, but is now over $1,500. David insures his pieces for life, so if you break her during a heavy petting session one night he'll fix her for free. The auction ends on October 4th. It's totally cool to pleasure yourself to this thing right? I mean it's not like it's anime or anything. That's a cartoon. This thing is practically a real woman. Well just to be safe I'm not saying that it's okay to pleasure yourself while checking her out. But I did. Twice. Three times here in a few minutes.
A ton more of her after the jump, along with a link to the auction.
Continue Reading " Female Master Chief Makes Me Feel Funny "
Oct 1 2007 USB Whac-A-Mole Doesn't Relieve Stress
The USB stress relieving Whac-A-Mole ripoff, "Whack It" plays just like the original you used to play at Chuck E. Cheese's or local arcade, except that it's tiny and there's no damn mallet. So I guess it's not the same. You push the different colored heads with your finger as they light up. Whee! It costs $25. I love things USB but I may have to pass on this sucker. I mean it doesn't even dispense tickets to redeem for stupid trinkets and candy. What the hell? This guy wants some f'ing prizes.
Whac-A-Mole Comes To Desktop [ubergizmo]
Oct 1 2007 Vibro-Exerciser Machine Looks Questionable
Carl Lewis, a man best known for running fast as hell and winning 9 Olympic gold medals, has created a new piece of exercise equipment. The Vibro-Exerciser allegedly gives you 70% more benefit than regular exercise alone. It does this through "vibration training that taps into your “subconscious muscle responses” to help reduce fat and improve circulation." Now I'm pretty sure this thing doesn't work, because stuff like this has existed forever and everyone is still fat as hell. But I'm no gold medal Olympian. Maybe Carl Lewis knows something I don't. Hell, I can't even run. Unless it's to 7-11 for a case of beer and pack of smokes. And even then I'm only running figuratively, because I'm driving.
Carl Lewis Vibro Exerciser: Vibrate Your Way To A Toned Physique [uberreview]
Oct 1 2007 Using Phone While Driving Kills You Big Time
Someone took these pictures in Russia, where it is forbidden to use a cell phone while driving. It's a huge Motorola RAZR 2 inside a Mercedes. There was speculation it was an accident, that the phone fell of a sign, but if you look at the last picture in the gallery, the sign is about three feet above the Mercedes. So it's some kind of marketing gimmick. A stupid one. Some social commentary about driving responsibly and not talking on your phone. Like how beer companies always put "Please Drink Responsibly" on everything, even though they know I'm going to get shit-house plastered and make out with ugly chicks.
More photos after the jump.
Continue Reading " Using Phone While Driving Kills You Big Time "
Oct 1 2007 Man Has Death Wish, Does 130.7 On Bike
Markus Stoeckl broke the World Speed Record for mountain bikes, topping out at 130.7 mph. Down a mountain. In the snow. "The super speed antics took place on a 2000m stretch at a 45 degree run in the Chilean Andes. To prevent his helmet from fogging up, Mr. Stoeckl had to hold his breath for the entire 40 seconds it took to complete the distance." So, yeah. Apparently Mr. Stoeckl has no respect for his life. The last time I saw a giant red penis doing 130 mph I was masturbating and so hopped up on drugs that I ended up doing permanent damage to my unit.
The record breaking video after the jump.
Oct 1 2007 Robo-Frogs Are Coming, Will Kill Us All
Researchers at the University of Tokyo have developed Mowgli, the scary jumping robot frog. He's scary. He jumps. He's robotic. He will kill us all. He can jump on and off of things about 20 inches high, and can even kick a soccer ball (somehow). At first I thought those protrusions on his head were guns, and while they probably aren't right now, they will be soon. I happen to have never eaten frog legs, so I'm hoping to be spared during the Amphibious Uprising of 2010.
Video of the murderous little bastard after the jump.
Continue Reading " Robo-Frogs Are Coming, Will Kill Us All "
Oct 1 2007 Pet Fanatic Cramped For Space
Apparently some pet fanatic who lives in a very small apartment decided to conserve space by combining two pet habitats in one. The birds live in an acrylic box mostly submerged in a fishtank. While it does look neat, I imagine someone out there is calling the SPCA or PETA. Reminds me of the time I combined two pets. My sister's prized hamster and my snake. She hasn't spoken to me in nine years.
The Birdtank [neatorama, thanks to pet friendly Derek for the tip]